Routine Honesty

Sometimes Things Come Easy

2011-11-09T10:50:00.000-08:00

I've been decidedly grumpy for the past few days (a cold doesn't help) and I was sitting here grumbling about various things when I decided I needed to just focus on something positive. Remembering that I haven't blogged in a while, I decided I need to write about a child-rearing event that was simply a gift from God.

Harper is potty-trained.

No gearing up, no printing certificates, no stocking juice and rags and treats. One day John puts her in underwear. And it's a day I go to work, so the babysitter keeps it up. I come home and feel Harper's little underwear-clad bottom. Surprise! She went all day in underwear. No accidents.

WHAT!!??

I'm one of those moms who has one of those stories. Really? What a gift! What a GIGANTIC contrast to my potty-training experience with Z. (Feel free to read previous potty training angst.) This is nothing short of a beautifully wrapped, perfect gift from God.

So, to be clear, and so you don't hate me too much, Harper has been working up to it for a while. We started doing poops on the potty when she was less than two years old because it was easy to tell when she had to go and it usually helped her to not have a diaper on when she did it. Then, recently she was very picky about her pants feeling wet at all. The diapers had to be immediately changed and then if there was the slightest residual wetness, it had to be changed again. One day we counted 14 diapers changed. So I decided to try pull-ups, thinking at least she could change them herself. True. And then she changed them 16-20 times herself. At one point I actually pulled out the hair dryer to "dry" the pull-up and to dry, um, herself (gentle cool setting from far away, don't worry!).

The morning John put her in underwear was after changing her pull-up four times before 7am. Understandable. So, she was just ready. She liked the feel of the underwear and is generally aware of when she needs to go. She still needs reminders, and she has had some accidents. But it was so much simpler and easy-going than with our first inductee. And that's not to say that it is all based just on the child. My philosophy and approach this time was a lot more easy-going.

For example, I thought a lot more about whether Harper was ready. I talked about potty on the toilet a LONG time before I even considered working on it with her. My standard for being "potty-trained" is different. I didn't focus as much on Harper being able to do it ALL on her own. I believe that independence will come with time and practice and can be gradual. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. I still help her get onto the toilet and wipe. She can pull her pants down and mostly back up, but is slow at it, so it depends on if we are in hurry mode whether she does it or not. I'm okay with reminding her. Mostly I just build it into our routine, so it's a pattern and doesn't feel like I'm nagging.

And, just in general, I have a lot less anxiety about it. I just knew she would get there eventually and didn't want to set any deadlines for it. With Z, I felt like if he wasn't trained it would seem like he was behind. I let social pressure suck me into it a bit. That said, there were a lot more issues at work with Z that we didn't know about at that time. So, a hug of grace to myself and let it go.

So, I'm thankful for milestones and Harper growing up. I'm thankful for learning from mistakes and being able to let go a bit more. I'm thankful for an easy-going, sweet little girl who continues to prove her middle name.

Lint

2011-10-12T15:06:00.000-07:00

We had a visit from the local fire department on Monday. I still can't believe it happened. I was taking a nap, Z was watching TV, Harper was sleeping in my bedroom... and I smelled smoke. I jumped up and ran to the laundry room and found smoke coming out of the dryer. I stopped the dryer and emptied it to see if I could see what was going on. I opened the side door (in the laundry) room to get ventilation. The smoke was getting heavier so I ran to get the fire extinguisher and came back to the dryer. By then the smoke was thicker and I picked up the phone on the laundry room wall and called 911. My voice was a choking squeak but I got out my address.
After hanging up I sprayed my fire extinguisher into the dryer but I couldn't tell where the fire was. When I stopped and listened, I could hear the fire. A roaring, crackling fire. Then I looked on the right side of the dryer and saw an orange glow through the crack in the dryer side. That is when I threw my basket of clothes outside (to get it out of the way) and I ran to get the kids. Z was great and put his shoes on right away. I picked up Harper, grabbed my purse and a pair of pants for Z (who was in his underwear). We went out front and sat on the front lawn to wait for the fire truck. I pulled snacks out of my purse and had them start eating and I ran to open the gate to the backyard and move that laundry basket of clothes farther into the backyard to get them further out of the way. At that point I also was thinking through the fact that was roughly one half of John and my regular wardrobe.
The fire truck pulled up... this was probably 10 minutes after I first smelled fire, so they probably only took about 7 minutes max. I showed them where to go and then went to sit with the kids. They had us move across the street and we waited. They all were very nonchalant, and I told Z that that was a good sign. After another 10 or 15 minutes they pulled our dryer out onto the front lawn:

My neighbor came over and gave me a hug. At that point I finally lost it a little and started to cry. I just didn't want to fall apart in front of the kids. My neighbor was SOO hugely helpful just by being there. It made me think of that proverb that a neighbor near by is better than a brother far away. Anyway, there was a bit of a mess, but no damage to the house. Praise God that we were all safe and we didn't lose anything significant. There are so many "what if's" that go through your mind after something like this... what if I wasn't home, what if it was the middle of the night, what if the fire department wasn't as close to us as they are...
I'm sure you're wondering what caused it...
LINT.
Unbelievable. I didn't clean the lint trap and the exhaust to outside was backed up with lint so not enough air was getting to it. The fireman said to clean out that vent every two months. And clean the lint filter EVERY time. Now I know. And now you know. I'll never make that mistake again. I'll also never run the dryer when I'm away, or even at night.

We spent the rest of the day cleaning up the mess. John had to scrub down the walls and ceiling of the laundry room because of the soot. And there was water and smokey yuck all on our kitchen floor. There is still a faint smell of smoke in the laundry room and at that side of the kitchen, but it didn't go into the bedrooms or living room. I'm just so, so thankful for our safety.

A friend said that I could officially call that a bad day. I told him that I actually felt more like I had won the lottery. :)

Remembering to Name

2011-09-28T13:04:00.000-07:00

Just flipped open my Bible to this, Psalm 77:

1 I cried out to God for help;
I cried out to God to hear me.
2 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
at night I stretched out untiring hands,
and I would not be comforted.

3 I remembered you, God, and I groaned;
I meditated, and my spirit grew faint.[b]
4 You kept my eyes from closing;
I was too troubled to speak.
5 I thought about the former days,
the years of long ago;
6 I remembered my songs in the night.
My heart meditated and my spirit asked:

7 “Will the Lord reject forever?
Will he never show his favor again?
8 Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
Has his promise failed for all time?
9 Has God forgotten to be merciful?
Has he in anger withheld his compassion?”

10 Then I thought, “To this I will appeal:
the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand.
11 I will remember the deeds of the LORD;
yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
12 I will consider all your works
and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”

13 Your ways, God, are holy.
What god is as great as our God?
14 You are the God who performs miracles;
you display your power among the peoples.
15 With your mighty arm you redeemed your people,
the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.

The next psalm lists the ways God watched over the Israelites despite their turning away from Him again and again.

This reminds me to remember. To think of all the ways God blesses me. To name the tangible ways He shows His love.
210. The pteredactyl noises of a newborn.
211. The collaboration of two kids building a secret hide-out fort. "Harper, get back to work." "Can I have the blue tape now?" "Yeah, we're really special, because we have special powers in our body."
212. Bean and cheese burrito, no onion, no sauce.
213. Nap time.
214. The witty words of Jane Austen making a long drive enjoyable.
215. A quick but deep conversation with a friend, tears flowing, arms holding.
216. Gently probing the wound and feeling only a slight tenderness. Thank you, God, for healing!

Beautiful Wreck

2011-09-26T11:16:00.000-07:00

Seven or so years ago I was in a scary car accident on the 405 freeway. It was raining very hard and my car hydroplaned perpendicularly across five lanes of traffic. Thank God, I was okay and the passenger in the only car I hit was also okay. After the car was pulled out of the bushes and ditch (and was still drive-able), we drove side streets to a gas station near our house to look at the damage and decide where to drop it for repairs. When I saw the damage done to the front of the car I almost collapsed. All the pseudo-calm to handle the emergency dissolved and I sobbed hysterically. Seeing the extent of the accident, I realized how much worse it could have been and I felt intense gratitude that I didn't die.

This past week I felt like I was getting a glimpse at the mangling, ripping emotional and spiritual accident that occurred in my life within the last five years. Grief, post partum depression, young children (one who was extremely challenging), unhappiness in life circumstances, a fruitless church life... they all twisted and turned me, John and our marriage into a gory wreck. In the depths of that dark place, ugliness, sin and anger thrived and marred us even more. We have been walking away from the wreck for more than two years and slowly healing and rebuilding. We have felt God's hand through the love of our friends and new church family helping us to mend and renew. But recent events have turned me around to look again at that wreck I so want to leave behind.

Last weekend John shared our story at a men's retreat for our church. In preparing to talk about accountability, John was led back through those very difficult years and was able to see God's loving hand through it all. At a time when John felt alone, he can now see how God's church and people were there the entire time, like a safety net, keeping John from more sin and pain. John was deeply blessed by this view of God's work in his life and God's protection of him during a very vulnerable time. But for me, this was like looking back at the twisted metal of my car and seeing what might have been. The wounds of the last few years are reopened and I'm hurt again by the animosity and indifference that was in our marriage. I can see more clearly the sin that thrived when we were in that dark place and now I can see how much worse it could have been.

And it hurts.

I've been so tempted to be angry again. At myself. At John. At God. All the same questions come up again. Why me? Why us? Why did this have to happen? How can this be for our good? Does God really love me? Does God really want only good for me?

I turn to One Thousand Gifts again for Ann Voskamp's God-given, life-giving words.
"Surely, just as I have intended so it has happened, and just as I have planned so it will stand." (Is 14:24)
and
"See that I am God. See that I am in everything. See that I do everything. See that I have never stopped ordering my works, nor ever shall, eternally. See that I lead everything on to the conclusion I ordained for it before time began, by the same power, wisdom and love with which I made it. How can anything be amiss." (Julian of Norwich)
"...I won't shield God from my anguish by claiming He's not involved in the ache of this world and Satan prowls but he's a lion on a leash and the God who governs all can be shouted at when I bruise, and I can cry and I can howl and He embraces the David-hearts who pound hard on His heart with their grief and I can moan deep that He did this -- and He did. I feel Him hold me -- a flailing child tired in Father's arms.... I know all our days are struggle and warfare and that the spirit-to-spirit combat I endlessly wage with Satan is this ferocious thrash for joy. He sneers at all the things that seem to have gone hideously mad in this sin-drunk world, and I gasp to say God is good. The liar defiantly scrawls his graffiti across God's glory and I heave to enjoy God."(AV)

This moment of light and sight to John, for me, is a moment of darkness. I too easily turn toward the darkness of lacking, the lie that God is not there. And yet He whispers sweetly that if I had never seen the wreckage I would never have known His protective hand. Never seeing the bottom of that chasm, I would not rightly know my dependence on Him. Without the vision of God's word to properly see the things around us, I will only see the hole, the lack. God's word points me again to His goodness.

"Only the Word is the answer to rightly reading the world, because the Word has nail-scarred hands that cup our face close, wipe away the tears running down, has eyes to look deep into our brimming ached, and whisper, "I know. I know." The passion on the page is a Person, and the lens I wear of the Word is not abstract idea but they eyes of the God-Man who came and knows the pain." AV

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 1 Peter 5:10

Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. Hebrews 5:14-16

Relief in New Routines

2011-09-10T16:09:00.001-07:00

This past week was the start of our new routine for the year. Z started preschool on Wednesday. I started my new job on Thursday. From now on, Z will be in school Monday, Wednesday, Friday. And I'll be working Tuesday, Thursday: two full days which is twice as much as I used to work. As with any new thing, I was nervous about the change and the transition for the kids. With change being especially hard for Z, I was expecting the worst, hoping the best for his adjustment to his new class and teacher.

And, honestly, I'm coming to realize that the change is often harder for me than it is for him! He ran right off to his new class on the first day... and the second day.... And he was calm and happy when I picked him up both days. I had lobbied the school director to have the teacher he has and I'm so thrilled to see him connecting already with her. I think she also was expecting the worst (based on true feedback from Z's last year teacher and from me) and was pleasantly surprised. She called me Friday night and told me that his behavior was so good that he was picked to be the line leader for the whole day. I must have smiled for at least five minutes after the call!

I am just so amazed and grateful for the progress Z has made over the summer in so many ways. He is so much more calm and confident. He is thrilled when he does a good job and I can see how hard he tries to do a good job most of the time. The funny thing about change is how even when it is for the better, I can keep operating in the assumptions of the past. I have to fight against the anxiety and dread that I used to feel every time there was a social interaction of a long outing. Z is proving to me again and again how much he has grown and I just have to learn to trust it. Or, another way of saying it is, God is proving to me over and over how much He loves me through the good and the bad, and I just have to learn to trust Him.

Photo Credit: Sofia

Gift Number 148

2011-09-07T12:50:00.000-07:00

Contagious Laughter

For those catching up, I've been counting gifts from God to stir up the joy in my life. Hope this brings you some joy today.

Evolution of a Room II

2011-09-02T19:35:00.000-07:00

Two years ago I posted on how I rearranged the kids room to fit Harper in a crib and Z in a toddler bed. I can't believe we have now just transitioned again for the final time (at least in this two-bedroom house).

As Harper likes to tell everyone who will listen (including strangers): "I hab bunt-bed!" (I have a bunk bed!)

So I moved Harper from a mini crib to a twin bed! She is so tiny in it, but she loves it. Z is stoked to be on the top and is loving the extra wall space for his artwork that this brings. The first week of bedtime was pretty rough; lots of playing instead of sleeping, but they are getting used to it now. We were already disciplining Harper if she got out of her crib so we continued that (with some grace the first few nights as she adjusted) and she is doing really well.

I had a lot of fun planning this next phase of the kids' room. Bunk bed, dresser and comforters are from Ikea. The bunk bed took 5 hours to assemble. Thank you, John! And I only had to paint the turquoise circles in the room to a spring green color to give the room a bigger kid look. And that little storage unit with the pull out drawers is a life-saver! I can't believe the relief when I got all the toys put away in the drawers and there was even more room to pull out some of the toys I had to keep buried in the closet. I'm really happy with the result!

Death's Sting

2011-08-10T15:39:00.000-07:00

I just heard that my neighbor's 20 year-old son passed away. He struggled with drug addiction and it finally was what ended his life.
I've been thinking about what to write in a sympathy card to the family, and especially the mom, who I talk to pretty regularly. The words I use will probably be gentle and vague and perhaps not very meaningful. But what I want to say is that...

Death is a terrible, tragic thing in anyone's life. It is wrong and unfair. It is the hateful conclusion to our lifelong struggle against the curse of sin and death we inherited from our first father, Adam. Even when it is a person who has lived a long life of many good things, there is still a great loss and sadness. In the best case, those left behind can be comforted that they will see their loved one again when they meet in heaven with their Lord and Savior. But even then, it just doesn't feel right. We were created as eternal beings. Interruption of our life, even if it is just in this world, still seems wrong.

And to think of how a mother must feel to see her son, still young, cut off by an addiction that crippled the fruitfulness of much of his life. The regret, the guilt, the what-if's, if-only's. I think of how much potential and hope I have for my own son and I imagine the deep, gut-wrenching sadness of seeing him make the wrong decisions. Watching him walk a path that will only lead to destruction.

What a wake-up call to what really matters in this life. I'm outside trimming rose bushes, contemplating these things and I pray that God would protect my kids from life-stealing sins. And then I thought what I really need to pray for is just that they would know their needfulness of God. That they would see their sin when they are small and learn to go to God for forgiveness and restoration. That God would clothe them in wisdom and strengthen them in making choices that please Him. And I pray that God would continually focus me on the things that really matter. The heart issues that lie below the surface. Not just the behaviors that annoy or hurt on the outside.

As ugly and sad as it is, I'm thankful for death. I'm thankful for the reminder that this life is just a blink of the eye. We are but grass that withers away and the things that matter are the eternal ones... loving God with all our heart, soul and strength.

Lord, help me store up treasures that do not fade: the thoughts, attitudes and actions that honor You.

Huge Thanks for Little Gifts

2011-08-05T20:44:00.001-07:00

All I can say is that you all are praying out there. Today was SO much better than the first few days of the week. I really could see the gifts of God today in so many ways.

We had a great time with friends at the beach and I got to see Z really playing with his friend and handling little interactions of sharing and getting into each other's projects. And then, the highlight of the morning was when I looked up to see him coming up out of the water, his little face streaming with water and a look of surprise on his face. I started toward him, thinking he had fallen, waiting for him to start crying, and then he burst into a triumphant smile! I heard him tell his friend, "That's a duck dive!" Oh, man! I was so proud of him! He NEVER puts his face in the water! And to see him do it on his own just for fun was spectacular!

This afternoon at the park, we found some chalk. Z wrote his entire name on the sidewalk. Another first! He has never written his whole name anywhere! He has shown a lot more interest in writing and drawing lately, which is so encouraging. He is showing more control of his hold on the pen and wanting to draw things more clearly. He has a journal he has been filling with pictures with squiggles at the bottom; he told us he is writing a book!

What a great day!

On the Edge

2011-08-02T16:37:00.000-07:00

I have felt on the edge of so many things lately. On the edge of frustration, losing my patience, anger, sadness, tears, harsh words, headaches. And also on the edge of joy streaming down my cheeks in tears, gratefulness, revelation, understanding. It seems that every time God has adjusted my perspective again to the right things and I'm able to focus on the gifts and joy in my life, a few hard moments or a rough couple nights of sleep take it all away again.

After a busy weekend and time with lots of great friends, I woke up on Monday morning stripped. And if I felt tired, then it's reasonable to assume the kids would be tired too. Needless to say, Z has been more difficult the past few days. And I have been weak and exhausted. Not a good combination. The battles in the moment are hard - keeping calm while he spews angry words and he's coming unhinged and it's all I can do to think clearly about what my next step should be. But it's usually after the battle that I break down. He'll be back to playing, having done his time and offered his apology. And I'm washing dishes in the kitchen, hiding my sobbing, screwed up face, trying to keep my shoulders from shaking.

I feel angry and sad and insufficient. Lies circle in my head, like cawing crows, saying that I can't do this any more, and, if I could just get away...

And the funny thing is that the chapter I read this weekend from One Thousand Gifts was about needing to daily go to God for sustenance. To daily focus on the beauty and gifts He has given. Just like the manna had to be collected daily in the desert lest we forget our dependence on God. And the most important thing is to find the manna- the little miracles of yumminess in a barren, desolate place- among the every day. To not need to get away or be alone to see the beauty. Up to this point, my list making has been on Sundays when I have time to myself to reflect. It's not enough. It fills the gas tank but there is a hole in my tank and the joy is all gone by Monday morning.

So, tomorrow is a new day. I'll start a new day finding the gifts God sends me. And I'll leave you with the last few I wrote down (some of which aren't from Sunday. Smile.)

73. Son's crooked mouth and half-closed eye when he's pondering something
75. Harper's muppet hair when she wakes up in the morning
76. cotton ball clouds
77. Silence when the kids finally do go to sleep.

Not A Mess

2011-07-27T13:52:00.000-07:00

Felt overwhelmed this morning by a messy house. Striving to see blessing instead of messing. If I had no children my house would be very clean, but how much I would be missing!
"Where there are no oxen, the manger is empty, but from the strength of an ox come abundant harvests." Proverbs 14:4

Not marker all over the table (you can't quite see it in the picture).
Budding artists. Refining fine motor skills.

Not sticky fingerprints.
Curious, capable fingers exploring for more art supplies.

Not furniture scraped across the floor to all the wrong places.
An airship flying to Africa.

Not books piled in commandeered laundry basket.
Trip to the library. Love of reading.

Not interference with order and decor.
A boy so proud of his artwork he has to "decorate" his whole room with it.

Not those d*&n cardboard blocks spread all over the room.
Baby dragon, just hatched from his egg.

The Most Perfect Spot

2011-07-22T14:51:00.000-07:00

(Photo taken by Harper)

I have to take time to write down this week. Z's teacher said that Wednesday at school was "the perfect day!" And those words have helped me see how so many things this week have been perfect.

On Monday at school, Z got amped up during the playground time and pushed a friend. Mrs D told him he couldn't do that or he wouldn't be able to play on the playground. Z apologized to his friend and then, on his own, ran to the tree and pushed it hard. Then he ran to the fence and pushed it. Back and forth, eight times, pushing that energy into "friends" that are okay to push. Then he was able to join back into the playing with more calm. Wow! I was so proud of him for finding a way to get the pressure and force he needed in a way that was acceptable and didn't hurt others. I was so happy to praise him for his great idea.

On Tuesday we went to Occupational Therapy as usual, but this week we didn't take Harper with us. The therapist thought we should try that again because Z has been very distractible these last few weeks and unable to focus on the "missions" she had for him. The difference was pretty significant. Z was calmer throughout the entire time and during the going in and leaving. I asked him as we were leaving if he had a good time even though Harper wasn't there. He said yes. I said it seemed like it was more calm and peaceful. Did he feel that too? And he said yes. Again, I'm so proud of him for sensing how he feels and things that make him overwhelmed versus more calm experiences.

On Wednesday Z had his "perfect day." He was happy and involved the entire day. They went to the music room (which they haven't done all summer and is usually a place of discomfort for him) and he participated in all of the movement games! This has never happened before. He usually gets agitated by the noise and movement and either lies down as far away from the other kids as he can or he'll sit in the hallway just outside the door (Mrs D's suggestion). Mrs. D said that he got a little wiggly at one point during a game but that she told him that the game required standing still at that moment. She gave him the option to go to the hallway if he felt overwhelmed but he chose to stay! And he was able to stay still and remain calm.

Then, during playground time he played with the other kids in sync with their games, playing WITH them, for the entire 20 minutes! This also hasn't happened before. Z will often need time to himself outdoors and he'll go find a quieter place to play by himself for a bit before rejoining other kids. And, finally, during playtime with water, a bin of water tipped over and drenched Z. He got a little upset and said to take his shirt off quick, quick! Mrs. D thought it was going to be a moment for him to lose it, but instead, once the shirt was off, he was fine! No one likes getting their shirt drenched, especially a child with tactile sensitivity! But he handled it! I'm so proud of him!

Praise God! I am so thankful for these signs of Z improving and maturing. And the best part is that he just seems happy! He seems more comfortable and not as anxious. When other kids are around he seems curious and friendly rather than on guard and withdrawn. Even today at a park with a bunch of kids, Auntie M commented on how happy he seemed. And he played pretty much the whole time WITH other kids instead of by himself.

So I'm writing down these reasons to be thankful. And I hope I've learned how children don't develop in a straight line and we could cycle around to another bad day/week, but I feel like I know what is possible for us. And I feel so much more hopeful that we are doing the right things to help Z.

I'm in the most perfect spot.*

*Also a very cute book by Diane Goode.

Grace Floats

2011-07-19T20:36:00.000-07:00

On Sundays, I dread it when it's my turn to take Z to sunday school (which starts right before the sermon). The class starts with singing, so Z usually heads straight under a table. I have a really hard time being patient when I just want to go listen to the sermon. Every time I see him resisting joining the group, hiding under tables, or worse, trying to run out of the building, I honestly just wish he was like the other kids. Why can't he just sit on the rug like everyone else?

This Sunday, he was doing pretty well. I got him to sit next to me on the rug and as I participated in the songs, so did he. But just a few feet away from us there were these perfect little easter-egg colored balloons tied to a chair. As we came in we speculated together on what they were for and how special it was that just his class had them. It was a helpful incentive for him to want to go to class. But then, the balloons were just too tempting and he went over to see them. I followed quickly after him and told him right away that he couldn't touch them. They were only tied once around the arm of the chair. One light tug and the balloon would fly up to the high ceiling- out of reach. But Z HAD to touch them. He pulled at one and I managed to catch it just in time. My heart jumped in my throat at the near miss, imagining the class being one short of "enough" balloons. I'm sure the look on my face wasn't very patient as I emphasized again the importance of leaving them alone and if all the balloons got loose that no one would have the treat of having one and then someone will be sad... and then...

Z ran his fingers across those loosely-tied ribbons...
and I grasped and lunged and saved quite a few but six or seven balloons floated away. My face turned red, my blood surged. If I wasn't at church I'm not sure what might have come out of my mouth. I pseudo-calmly walked the remaining balloons over to one of the teachers and then grabbed Z's hand and walked him down the hall away from his class. I started to berate him about how he didn't listen and that was EXACTLY what I told him would happen and now not all of the kids would get balloons... and...

Then I saw his face.
He was very upset and about to cry. He started to get angry and said that he didn't want to be Z anymore. "I'm going to change my name." "I don't like being me." He even hit his chest with his fist. Oh, man. Did that change my tune. I asked him if he was upset because he didn't control himself. He said yes.
Deep breath. Praise God I had enough self control of my own to calm down and talk to him about asking for forgiveness when we sin. I told him I was glad he was sad about disobeying me and doing something that could take something special away from his friends. But that our sin was the reason Jesus came. And we all make mistakes and we all sin. But Jesus forgives us. And I forgive you. I made him look right in my eyes and I said that two or three times: I forgive you.

Eventually we went back to the group and he joined in. Shortly after, as I was walking back to the auditorium, I kept thinking about how hard I was on him about the balloons. That rage that welled up inside me. I realized how much of it was connected to embarrassment. All those balloons bobbing away and me and Z right there, the cause of it all because my son doesn't listen to me. And disappointment. Why is it always my kid who does stuff like that? Why can't he sit on the rug like everyone else? I let my concern for what others think about me be more important than my son.

I stewed on that for a while and replayed over and over in my head how it all happened and maybe I should have done this instead. Or who in their right mind ties balloons just once on the arm of a chair with a bunch of KIDS around? (Blame is always an easy defense mechanism.) And how mean was my face when I was talking to him? And how hard did I grab his little hand?

And then I remembered that I had just told Z he was forgiven. I told him that when something is forgiven that we forget about it and, when possible, see if we can make amends (maybe Papa will be able to reach the balloons if he stands on the table). And I told him that I didn't want him to be upset about it anymore or say mean things about himself. And there I was upset and dwelling on my own sin. And calling myself names. And not forgetting it. How can I show my son forgiveness when I don't accept God's forgiveness of me?

It was one of those times when I literally prayed, "Okay, God. I get it." Just like Z when he says: "I already know that, Ma!" I wonder if God chuckles at me like I do at Z: "Well, then, why do I have to remind you so often?"

Naming to Save Me

2011-07-15T15:16:00.000-07:00

1. the smell of the morning when you can tell it's going to be a hot day

9. my soft, gushy pillow

20. warm sun on back, cool breeze

36. the caramel-colored foam on a latte

55. the putter of a small plane overhead

It's been a couple of months now that I have been writing down things I love. Things for which I'm thankful. Things for which I thank God. It started with a book a friend gave me called One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. Her idea is that thanksgiving is a precursor to miracles. It's the faith that brings salvation. It's the grace that gives us a full, rich life in Christ. What started as a dare to write down one thousand gifts from God became a way of changing her perspective toward God's goodness instead of at the loss and lack in our world and in our own lives.

A concept I really like in the book is about naming things. Naming was Adam's first job in Creation. To quote from her book (which is a quote from Alexander Schmemann):
“Naming reveals the very essence of a thing, manifests the meaning and value God gave it, to know it as coming from God and to know its place and function within the cosmos created by God. To name a thing, in other words, is to bless God for it and in it.”
I love this idea of the power of naming as a spiritual exercise which gives meaning to, and thanksgiving for, the things in my life. Those things are always there, but naming them and thanking God for them gives them power. It gives me power as I connect myself consciously to God and His love.

I've tried this kind of thing before- writing down things I'm thankful for- and sometimes it has been helpful and other times it failed horribly. One point Ann Voskamp makes is that the things need to be very specific and small. This seems counter-intuitive. We Christians so often thank God for things like family, salvation, creation, etc. As Ann says: "I discover that slapping a sloppy brush of thanksgiving over everything in my life leaves me deeply thankful for very few things in my life." As I started my list, I tried to focus on the things that make me happy. Those things that make me smile or sigh. And I didn't pressure myself to a schedule of a certain number a day or even a frequency. By keeping it natural and guilt-free, I'm hoping it is something I can sustain for a long time.

Is it working? Am I a changed woman who sees good in every situation? No. Not yet. But as Erasmus said, "A nail is driven out by another nail. Habit is overcome by habit." And, again quoting Ms. Voskamp: "To learn how to be grateful and happy, whether hands full or hands empty. That is a secret worth spending a life on learning.”

The Robot Place

2011-06-29T14:35:00.000-07:00

To help Z with his sensory integration delay, we are going to Occupational Therapy once a week. It's just him and the therapist, Miss Kim. And Z loves it! It's a big super-fun playground indoors with a two-story robot and a giant ship with a swing in the middle. We call it the robot place and he looks forward to going every week. I can even take Harper now so she and I play while Z plays with the therapist.

As I said before, Z just thinks it's a great place to play. The first few times we went he asked when the other kids were coming. When the parking lot was fuller than usual one week, he said, "uh oh, there are going to be a lot of kids there!" Smile. I explained that we have a special appointment each week and Miss Kim doesn't let anyone else come when it's our time.

His favorite things so far are a gigantic ball pit full of those little soft spikey balls and the swing which is hanging down in the middle of the giant ship. The swing bounces and spins in every direction and he can't get enough. I would love to go on it myself. Here is a video:

I think all this vestibular stimulation is really helping because a few weeks ago I saw him walk up stairs alternating his feet for the first time. And he has started pedaling a bike more often (although not all the time yet).

And one of the most simple solutions has been a little chewy star that he can keep on his belt loop. When Z felt overwhelmed or even excited he would put things in his mouth. I guess it helps get out energy and even stimulates both sides of the brain somehow. The first time he took it to school, the teacher commented on what a great day he had. We waited to see if it was the star or not and, sure enough, the next time at school, he had another good day. She said he uses it quite a bit at times that were noisy or when the kids were very active. I can't believe that something so simple could help so much.

Seeing some tangible improvements has been so encouraging. It just confirms that we are on the right track and that we can really help him.

Making Sense

2011-06-17T14:37:00.001-07:00

My inner writer has finally nagged me enough to bring me back here again. It feels like a lot has happened in just six months so it's a little hard to jump back into writing. But no way to jump in but to jump...

Z has a delay in sensory integration.

There it is. Such a simple sentence with so much strain, effort and struggle behind it. Raising Z has never been a walk in the park, but after he was in preschool for a few months I decided to meet with his teacher and pick her brain about his behavior and if she had any big ideas for helping him. I just thought that if he was such a challenge to me at home then he had to be challenging her as well. I asked her if he interacted readily with the other kids, if he got angry, if she had ever seen him pedal the bike. That first meeting inspired his teacher, Mrs. D., to observe him more and note anything unusual in his behavior or development. I still praise God that Mrs. D. had enough experience and knowledge to look further into sensory integration as a potential problem area for Z.

Since then we have confirmed Z does have a delay in sensory integration. I like to say this more than "he has sensory integration disorder." Disorder seems unsurmountable. Delay is something he can overcome.

So what the heck is sensory integration disorder [also known as sensory processing disorder (SPD)]? Here's what wikipedia defines sensory integration dysfunction: "inability to organize sensory information as it comes in through the senses." A more useful description is available in "The Out of Sync Child," by Carol Stock Kranowitz: "SPD can cause a bewildering variety of symptoms. When their central nervous systems are ineffective in processing sensory information, children have a hard time functioning in daily life. They may look fine and have superior intelligence, but may be awkward and clumsy, fearful and withdrawn, or hostile and aggressive. SPD can affect not only how they move and learn, but also how they behave, how they play and make friends, and especially how they feel about themselves."

I've had some time to read and understand this so this is how I explain it to friends. A delay in sensory integration means that a child hasn't learned how to interpret all of the signals his senses send to his brain in the appropriate way. This could look very different in different kids because of all of the senses involved: touch, sight, sound, balance and movement (or, tactile, visual, auditory, proprioceptive and vestibular). It can also take the form of a child being either over-responsive or under-responsive. For example, a child over-responsive to touch may not be able to tell the difference between a light touch by a bee or by her mother. In the case of the bee, the child should be alert and careful. In the other, the child should be comforted and reassured.

No imagine that occurring with every sense-- imagine how overwhelming it would be to feel like every sense is potentially harmful. Imagine how it would feel to have your body in a state of "flight or fright" a lot of the time. Children in the situation learn how to protect themselves from those negative responses by secluding themselves, not being willing to try new things, being defiant or difficult or withdrawn.

I have seen all of those things in Z. Often it has been at times that seem inexplicable as it was a situation most kids love (bounce house, birthday party, park). So many times I was disappointed and confused by his terrible behavior, such as tantrums or aggressiveness, in places that were supposed to be fun. It happened enough that I did learn how to prevent and ease these reactions when I could. I guess I learned Z without knowing some of the why behind him.

Now that I have more information on sensory integration and how the brain and body respond, there are many mysteries about Z that have come clear. It's good to know that we were doing a lot of good things for Z already, but I sure do appreciate having a deeper understanding and rationale behind those decisions. It's a lot easier to say no to the second birthday party in one day when I have science to back up my mother's instinct.

So what now? I mentioned that a delay is something one can overcome. And it is true, that with some help (occupational therapy), Z's brain and body can catch up on the connections that aren't working quite right. And the therapy isn't tedious or difficult - it is playing! All of the things kids do all of the time help them make sense of their senses. Spinning, running, climbing, playing in water, play-dough, eating, dress-up. Isn't it wonderful how kids naturally do the things that help them grow! So Z is just getting a little extra, extra-special, play time. And we've already seen some good improvements, so stay tuned, if you're interested and I'll write more on that next time.

Thanks for listening!

Big Z - Four Years Old

2010-12-15T21:22:00.000-08:00

Time is FLYING by and I've been too busy to write about it apparently. Really I just would rather nap than write for my blog. Anyway, I wanted to write about my amazing little boy. He turned 4 November 19th and he is at such a fun and curious age. There is so much going on in that little head!

Z still loves construction and machines (Might Machines, anyone?). Thanks to President Obama, there was lots of construction around our town this year and it is an endless fascination for him. The highlight was when the redid the sidewalk in front of our house and we watched a digger break apart the cement and pry it up with the pointy edges of the bucket like Harper picks up stickers with her tiny little forefinger. We literally sat on our front steps with snacks and watched for an hour! Z acts out his own construction in the house, using tape or books or play blocks as "yellow cones" and says there are signs saying "open trench" and "road closed." For his birthday he got a set of little sport orange cones from Grammy. The worst execution of this construction fascination was when he drew a line across the threshold of his room in black PERMANENT marker. (By the way, thank God for google, where we learned that a pencil pink eraser will get Sharpie off of hard wood floor. It worked!)

Z and Harper really love playing together. Z has recently discovered that he loves making her laugh and he does all kind of goofy things to make her giggle. But their favorite activity is chasing each other around the house or playing hide and seek. Harper adores Z and tries to do everything he does. Z is a typical big brother who knocks Harper around himself but the minute anyone else gets even close to hurting her... watch out! His claws come out - literally!

Z and Harper sleep in the same room now (I know! I haven't even written a post on that!). It is ADORABLE to hear them in there. Well, once we got past Z throwing things into her crib. Me: Z, STOP throwing things in her crib! You are going to hurt her! Z: I'm not throwing things. I'm just shooting cannonballs." Sometimes Z will start telling her stories or even singing to her. And he's so helpful when he comes out and tells me Harper wants me after she has been crying Mama, Mama for 5 minutes. :)

I'm amazed at how much kids can absorb at this age. There are so many times he just blows me away with stuff he says. He told me that next year for Halloween he wanted to be ice. Or maybe Word Girl. (Have you seen that show? Awesome!). He never wants to put a jacket on and he tells me he turned on the warm air in his boiler. One day he was going on and on in the car about his boiler and warm air and his fire. And then I hear him say, "Because fire changed the world." No idea where he got that. Hm. We are going over stories from the Bible for Advent and after talking about creation I asked him why God made the world. (I'm looking at a little devotional thing all ready to give him the answer.) He says: "Because He loves us!" The best answer ever! (And by the way, that was the answer in the devotional.)

Z's new preschool is a huge blessing. He really loves his teacher and is learning a ton. He comes home saying things like, "Mama, I shared with Harper, because that's loving." And "that's not how we treat our friends." They have music every day and his favorite song is "Slippery fish." Harper even knows it now and their favorite verse is "humongous whale, humongous whale, spouting in the water..." which shows another current obsession of Z's: the ocean.

We got passes to the Aquarium of the Pacific and we go almost every week. The kids LOVE it. Harper likes to find "nemo" and Z loves looking at the jelly fish, sting rays and sharks. It's a great outing for us and it reminds me of how big my kids are getting because we go without a stroller and the kids listen to me and stay with me (for the most part). I remember going when Z had just turned 3 and it was a completely different story.

And that's the note I want to end on... how much Z's behavior is improving. He is doing so much better at obeying and not fighting every thing. He is still a negotiator and I find myself pulled into his deal-making too often, which I need to work on, but at least it's not full-on defiance and fighting. He is learning how to control himself more and is showing more consideration and kindness for others. I can't believe how much kind words and affection from Z can help. I know my love should be unconditional but I'm human. My favorite is..."you're so sweet" which he says while holding my face in his hands. heh heh So funny.

So that's Z. I love him. And I'm so proud of what a big boy he's becoming.

Harper Joy - 19-20 months

2010-10-05T11:09:00.000-07:00

It appears I'm on a once a month routine for writing on this blog. Well, that's okay. There's just a lot going on. But I've been meaning to write about Harper for a while to capture her development and personality around the 18 month mark.

Harper is just so much fun at this age. She can run after Z and jump on the bed and climb stuff at the park- it blows me away. There is such a difference when they have an older sibling to keep up with. Having an older brother has definitely slanted her interests more towards trucks than dolls. But she still has that feminine sweetness and she'll spontaneously "mma" you (a kiss) or even kiss the animal pictures in her book.

She is picking up new words all the time, which never ceases to delight me. The absolute most adorable thing she says right now is "Oody," which is Woody from Toy Story (yes, the no TV 'til two rule went right out the door with the second child). She LOVES "Oody." But she also loves her "bubba," brother. She says "elwo" for "hello" when she pretends she's talking on a phone. She says "almo" for animal and "eee" for treat, key, and sleep. She says "wa" for wash and walk. She says down and peez and mo. Now she is pointing out pumpkins wherever we go: "pumpy." And she says Harper as "hoppy."

Harper is also starting to assert her opinion a lot more and is most likely to throw a tantrum when she doesn't get a "ee"- treat. She can definitely pitch a fit. She has started to smack me when I do something she doesn't like, which, of course, I tell her no and sometimes flick her hand, but it is hard to take her seriously. She doesn't quite have the impact that Z did when he was her age. But maybe it's just because she's the second child and I'm no longer impressed.

Anyway, I am really, really enjoying this stage and our sweet little girl.

I Am What I Am

2010-09-29T16:15:00.000-07:00

The kids and I were driving home from visiting a new park. I said that I wasn't sure I wanted to go to that park again. Z asked the ubiquitous "Why?"
Me: "There were a lot of people there."
Z: "Why?"
Me: "I don't know, it's a popular park, I guess. But that was too many people for me."
Z: "Why?"
I paused....
"Well, buddy, because I'm an introvert."
Z paused....
"Mama, I'm a truck!"

I've been reading a book called "Introvert Advantage" by Marti Olsen Laney, and it has been helping me understand some things better. Since 75% of the world are extroverts, being an introvert can make you feel like the odd-one-out. And there are all kinds of labels people throw on introverts like shy, quiet, self-focused, reserved. Here are some words from the book:
"The primary difference between extroverts and introverts is how they recharge their batteries. Extroverts spend energy freely and often have trouble slowing down. They can refresh themselves easily by doing something in the outer world. Introverts, on the other hand, are energized by the internal world - by ideas, impressions, and emotions. Their focus is inside their heads."

I've known since high school that I was an introvert. My entire immediate family are also introverts, so I think we had a good rhythm for our house and allowing each other space. I didn't really mind being an introvert until it started to make me feel really different from my very best friends. Three out of four of my closest friends in high school are extroverts. And at least two of them are probably on the extreme end of extroverted-ness. There were lots of times I would notice myself shutting down and wonder what was wrong with me. A weekend together was really exhausting but I didn't have the consciousness or self-discipline to take care of myself by taking breaks. I was often confused how I could feel so tired after doing something I loved (hanging out with friends).

By the time I was in the thick of my career I had more understanding about my abilities and limits and I was able to balance the intensity of work with recharging time (usually meaning alone time). There was quite a bit of alone time built into my day- the drive to and from work, time spent at the computer, chores at home, etc. There were times I would need some space from John when I got home, but we were able to work through that really quickly. And it didn't take much- just fifteen minutes to change my clothes, wash my hands, tie my hair back.

And then came children. The interaction with them, from the sweet and precious to the obnoxious and frustrating, DRAINS me. There are little people around ALL THE TIME. And they are very needy. And noisy. What's an introvert to do? There are lots of good tips in the book, but the ones I'm working on the most are:

1. Taking your temperament temperature. Being aware of what I can handle and not over-booking myself. Watching for the natural ebbs and flows in my energy and not expecting myself to do exhausting social things when I'm already low on energy. And, this is especially important, not feeling bad about saying no. This can be a little harder if your spouse is an extrovert, which I'm pretty sure mine is, although he is still denying it. I have a hard time saying no when I view it as holding John back. But we're starting to come up with more creative ways to handle things, like he goes early or stays late. Or I make sure I get some alone time prior to going out.

2. Re-charging. I already knew I needed alone time, but this book had some good ideas for things to do when you only have fifteen minutes or half an hour. Some of my favorites: staring off into space (I especially like to do this sitting on my front porch), doing a crossword puzzle, looking at a funny website or reading a magazine article. I've even had John drive the kids home after my Mom's house so I can have twenty minutes of quiet.

3. Be Kind, Don't Rewind. I love this snappy saying in the book. Introverts tend to go back over events and analyze (and often criticize) everything they said. (Extroverts are more critical of their actions.) It's all about how introverts process experiences and information. We have to compare things to the past, present and future to put it in a context that is important to us. One way we do this is by thinking things over again and again. But if the internal voice is critical, then it's not helping! Sometimes you gotta tell yourself to put a sock in it! And what's funny is that the words you think were so wrong probably weren't even noticed by most of the others (at least the extroverts, probably!). You can't let this internal critic make you fearful of sharing/talking/socializing in the future.

Anyway, just a few things I've been learning. I'll leave you with a link to this test for introversion/extroversion. You might surprise yourself!
Fun Test- Introvert/Extrovert

OK

2010-08-25T14:32:00.000-07:00

Wow, it's been a while. I guess things have been busy. Since I wrote last I've been feeling better. Still some valleys here and there, but not like that weekend, thankfully. Some time away and a change of scene have helped.

I went on a girls' getaway weekend with some friends two weekends ago. They are more recent friends so I was looking forward to getting to know them better. It was a really great weekend with lots of good conversation and some alone time for me. I found it easy to do my own thing and they were all understanding. And I knew from previous weekend trips going all the way back to high school that I would need that alone time or I would get really crabby by Sunday. I really enjoyed it and felt refreshed coming back to my family on Sunday night.

Then, this last weekend, we took our first family trip since Harper was born. John, Z, Harper, my Mom and I all hopped on a plane and flew to Oklahoma for my grandmother's 90th birthday. We left on Thursday and came back on Monday. It all went very well, but it was pretty exhausting. Staying in one room with your children is not the easiest thing. The kids did really well and did sleep but just not exactly when I wanted them to. Harper took one nap with her head down on the shopping cart handle at Walmart. Z took one nap sitting in a swing.* It was a good learning experience for how we might want to structure a vacation in the future. And it was so worth it to be there for my grandmother, who is just as feisty now as she always was and ended her party with a ride on the back of a motorcycle.*

*Pictures below to prove it.

It was really hot and he just conked out. I was able to move him to the stroller and he slept inside for a while.

She's on the back in the pink t-shirt.

Hello Darkness My Old Friend (Psalm 88)

2010-08-02T13:37:00.000-07:00

I'm learning that just when I start to feel like I've "kicked this thing," I start to struggle again. I've been tracking the depression and irritability in relation to my period, and there is definitely a pattern. So I was prepared for this weekend to be hard, but, man, it was hard! We went out Saturday night until late so I woke up Sunday morning completely drained and crabby. And then Z woke up crabby (at 6:15am!). And then John left to go surfing and I never did go back to sleep. I think I just laid there simmering. By the time John got home at 9:15am, I was done. I was so angry and resentful that, once again, John is off enjoying himself while I was home with crabby kids. Everything in me screams that this is unfair, even though we have worked it through so many times in our marriage. Him surfing on weekend mornings is really important to him and to me. But it's not always an easy gift to give. It wasn't John's fault that it happened to be a bad morning, but I was ready to blame him for all of it.

After a shower I was a little calmer and I was able to tell John how I was feeling. I so often bottle things up when I know they are ugly. This time I just told him how I was feeling and told him that it didn't mean he did anything wrong but that I was still struggling with it. He just listened, for which I was grateful.

Then off to church where the sermon was on depression from Psalm 42. Okay, God. Thank you. It was just what I needed in so many ways. There were so many things that spoke to me. First, that it is so common and it doesn't mean you're a bad Christian. I think this point is so obvious, but it helps to hear it again and again. And our pastor also mentioned how depression isn't something that just goes away one day, but it's something that can come and go and it's a process to work through it. So often I want to think that I'm just done with this hard part in my life and I'm finally "better." Second, that I have to stop listening to the lies I tell myself when I'm depressed. That I'm not good enough, that God isn't there, that I'm all alone, that I can't keep going another day. Third, that I need to listen to God's Word instead of the thoughts in my head. Like this:
The LORD your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with his love, He will rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17 
-- I love this idea that God delights in me. Just as I am. Not just when I'm happy.
and this:
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:37-39
-- Nothing can separate me from Him. Even me.

Finally, the sermon also talked about going to other people for help. And not being too proud to ask someone to tell you the gospel again. And again. It's so hard for me to talk about this stuff and I hate crying in front of people. But John and I talked after church and I had some time to rest and reflect. I know God is using this for my good, but sometimes I just want to tell God that I'm done growing and learning. Can't I have it a little easier for a while? :) Well, I guess the Creator of the universe knows what He's doing.

Today I'm feeling a little better, but I'm on guard for the ugliness. It is most often stress-induced, so who knows what the rest of this day holds for me. I keep thinking about something my therapist said about God redeeming us. That the pain and suffering we go through is part of this fallen world. But that He is actively redeeming (buying back) and recreating us into His new creation. I'm going to pray that God will "redeem" my monthly cycle so that it isn't always my ticket to Crabby Land.
"I do believe; help my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24)

Quick Vignettes

2010-07-14T22:11:00.000-07:00

Tonight at my Mom's, I asked Z to start cleaning up his toys outside. He climbed onto the chaise lounge and said, "Ok, but I'm just going to lay here and think about my day."

My Mom made a name tag with a string that goes around Z's neck. He calls it his medal. After he had decorated it with stickers and Grammy wrote his name, he said he wanted Harper's name on it too, because "she's my best friend."

Z has been very interested in what all of the traffic and parking signs say. He knows what all of the different colored curbs mean, too. The other day he pointed to a sticker on his three-wheeler and said it was his handicap sign. heh, heh. Well, I've tried to explain what it means, but I guess he just appreciates the close parking?

And some funny words Z has said recently:
> zuppachini (zucchini)
> carnita (granita- an italian sorbet style of ice cream that we made. I just thought that was an ironic pronunciation. Smile.)
> While playing Thomas, Z pointed to a spot and said, "Dat's Downa Mine!" I finally realized he was saying it was the mine which Thomas fell into in one of the stories. The title of the story is "Down A Mine."
> Z put one of his toys on my belly like a stethoscope and said "sumping's wrong with your insects."

Here he is making a train noise while driving this train. He can't seem to do it without closing his eyes. :)

Twelve

2010-06-27T16:26:00.000-07:00

John and I have been married twelve years today. Twelve. Think of a twelve year-old kid! That's a lot of years!

I'm so thankful for our marriage and how God has used it to make both of us more like Christ. This past year has been especially hard with having the second child and the post partum depression, yet I can see how God has used the struggle for our good. I can honestly say that we feel closer to each other now than ever before.

John's surf trip with four other Christian guys was really good. They did some lessons from a Tim Keller study on marriage and had good conversations about being husbands and fathers. And of course they did lots of surfing and relaxing!

Today we became members of our new church. It seems a fitting day for our anniversary and what I feel like is the beginning of lots of new beginnings. We already feel like we're growing at our new church and we're excited about getting to know everyone. It's awesome to feel hopeful and optimistic about the future. Praise the Lord!

Day Eight- He's Home!

2010-06-26T22:12:00.000-07:00

Saturday
All in all a pretty good day. My babysitter canceled (I was going to have some time to myself this morning), but I turned it for the best and we had a nice morning at the Nature Center and then to an animal shelter to see the cats and dogs. We made a Welcome Home sign for Pap and washed his car. Visited with the wives and kids of the rest of the guys on the surf trip and then off to the airport to pick up John.
Z is SOOOO happy to have John home. He was literally beaming and bouncing around. John brought him two really cool shells and Z put them on the shelf like they are the greatest treasure he's ever owned (which they probably are!).
I am SOOO happy to have John home too. He told me how proud he is of me for doing such a good job this week. And he thanked me again for allowing him to go. And he almost jumped with joy when I showed him the reorganized cabinets! :)

Goodnight! Looking forward to a good night's sleep tonight.

Day Seven

2010-06-25T19:53:00.000-07:00

Friday
Today was pretty easy because it's the day my Mom watches the kids and I go to work. I took off early for some alone time, which was nice. But I have to say I'm feeling pretty worn out. I had to pray and gear myself up for going to my Mom's house to pick up the kids. Z usually starts to act up right when I get to my Mom's but today he was tired so he was pretty good. I got the kids in bed early tonight because they were both so tired, but now Harper is crying and Z is reading a book. It feels harder when there's no one else here in the house.

-10 minutes later-
Aaah. Harper's finally asleep.

Overall, I guess I should be really proud and thankful we all made it through this week with some fun moments (and a few not so great moments). Again, I'm so, so thankful I don't have to do the single parent thing all of the time. But it's funny how you kind of just suck it up and do it because there is no other option. I wonder if sometimes I call John during the day about some difficulty because it is a way to feel like someone out there knows that my job is hard. This week I prayed a lot and really had to rely on God to "see" me.
This makes me think of Hagar, who after being mistreated by Sarai, runs away into the desert. She is pregnant with no where to go and no one to take care of her. God speaks to her directly and tells her that she is part of His plan. "She gave this name to the LORD who spoke to her: "You are the God who sees me," for she said, "I have now seen the One who sees me." (Genesis 16:13) I love this idea that God SEES me. He knows me better than I know myself and even when I can only pray, "God help me," He can, and does, help me better than anyone else. I hope I can take that truth into the weeks and years to come: that I am not flying solo ever and God is the best co-parent, spouse, friend there is.

-Another 10 minutes later-
Z is asleep!! 8:25pm. Yipee!

Day Six

2010-06-24T14:41:00.000-07:00

Thursday
Drop-off and pick-up without tantrums! Yipee! I praised Z over and over again for being such a big boy and handling his disappointment. He said he wanted to stay and started to sit at the tables but I reminded him that he couldn't stay and that he told me he wasn't going to through a tantrum like the last time. Other kids were getting picked up too so I was able to point out that other kids were going home. And the teacher helped by saying he was a lucky boy who got to go home.

I'm already seeing what a great school this new one is going to be for us. I talked to his teacher and the director of the preschool at drop-off today and they were both very encouraging and supportive. I really feel like I'm going to have another resource for ideas in how to help Z. I'm so thankful!

So this is the long stretch between now and bedtime tonight. I have some shopping and a trip to the park (meeting friends) planned, so hopefully it goes by quickly and we have a good time.

I just want to say thank you to everyone who has been praying for me. I really have felt God's strength in me this week. We are really looking forward to John coming home. Z keeps saying that he wants to go to Mexico. And yesterday he asked if Papa is coming home. Home stretch!

8:32pm. Both kids are in bed but neither are asleep. We skipped the shopping but went to the park. It didn't quite turn out like I thought (when will I learn) and I spent my time running after the kids rather than eating or talking to anyone. Oh well. We made it through another day. Just praying for a little more patience to make it through until Z falls asleep.

Day Five

2010-06-23T16:29:00.001-07:00

Wednesday
I feel like we're at the top of the hill now. Just downhill to go. But, man, I'm tired.

Went to the beach today with a babysitter to help. It was pretty fun and killed a bunch of time. A friend and her little girl came so it was nice to have some adult conversation. I also had that at book club last night, so that was good. After getting the kids home and down for nap time/quiet play time, the babysitter and I reorganized the bathroom cabinets and kitchen cupboard. Awesome!! It's totally one of those things I have a hard time making myself do, so having someone there to help was a good impetus.

I'm praying that the drop-off and pick-up at preschool tomorrow goes okay. Z keeps saying he's never going back to "dat preschool." I'm hoping he changes his mind when he sees the playground? Or maybe he'll just throw a fit upon drop-off like the rest of the kids. :)

I'm also praying for a good night sleep. Last night wasn't great. Perhaps I'm adjusting to the new bed? Or maybe it just feels strange to not have John there with me. I miss him. And not just in a co-parenting way. Our house is definitely less fun without him. Just a few more days!

Day Four... Solo

2010-06-22T13:14:00.000-07:00

Tuesday
How can it be only 1pm? It feels like an entire day has gone by already. New mattress delivered at 7:15am. Both kids already up by then. Z started his new preschool. Drop off was fine. Pick up was a nightmare.

All of the other kids are full-day kids so they stay for lunch and the rest of the afternoon. Z was very upset that he wasn't staying for lunch. Massive, code-red, full blown tantrum. Z screams, yells, cries, runs off along the side of the school (which is by a major street). Spankings. The drag-by-the-arm routine. Somehow I manage to remain calm in a kind of out-of-body sort of way where I'm seeing this all happen from a fluffy cloud above. More spankings. The physically-restrain-while-forcing-into-car routine. Z screams the whole way home. A flying shoe hits my arm. I am silent. I am a strong, unperterbable fortress of self control.

I leave the car on in the driveway with Z still strapped in while I carry my things inside. I ask the babysitter to take Harper outside so I don't have to manage her while handling Z's tantrum. I unstrap the monster, I mean, Z and tell him to go inside to his room. He can come out when he is calm and we will talk. He doesn't want to get out of the car so I walk away leaving both doors open. Thankfully, he soon follows and comes inside. He goes to his room and slams the door a few times. I ignore it.

After a stroll outside with Harper and the babysitter, I come back inside. Z is calm. Hallelujah! We have a talk and I tell him his behavior is unacceptable. He is a completely different child than 15 minutes before. He says, "I'm sorry, Mama, for throwing a tantrum... at my new... preschool." I forgive him and give him a hug. We talk about how disappointed he was about not getting lunch. I think it was partly that he was hungry and he didn't get to eat what they were eating (which apparently looked really good to him) and partly that he was singled out, sitting on a bench while all the kids ate their lunches at the tables. Boy. Well, I know how to do things better next time: prepare him for the lunch thing, getting there right on time (I was 3 minutes late!) before lunch is served. Once again I hear that phrase I hate: "We've never had this happen..." They've seen lots of tantrums over getting dropped off for preschool but none involving a child not wanting to leave. Well, Z is certainly one in a million. And praise the Lord, he is a napping one in a million right now.

Day Three Flying Solo

2010-06-21T19:05:00.001-07:00

Monday
Still going okay, but I've already calculated once how far into it we are. One-quarter through.

Had a good night and day at my Mom's. It was really nice to have the extra help and be in a different place. Adventureland was really fun. There was no wait for the rides and the rides are just right for pre-schoolers. This afternoon has been more challenging as Z has decided to test me at every turn. I'm hoping it's because he's tired (he stayed up late last night watching Toy Story 2) and that he'll go to bed easily tonight. One hour until bedtime. I can do it!

P.S. Confession: I'm having a celebratory orangina, tequila and citron drink. A little Mexico for me too!

Day Two Flying Solo

2010-06-20T13:27:00.000-07:00

Sunday
Made pancakes this morning, took a shower, got myself and the kids ready and made it to church on time. Wow! Church was great and then we just finished lunch at home. Nap time/Quiet Play Time then we'll go to my Mom's this evening. We're going to have a slumber party and then go to Adventureland tomorrow.

A bunch of people at church told me what a great wife I am that I let John go on a seven day trip. Although I do think I'm giving him a gift, what people don't know is what a huge gift he's been for me this past year. It has not been easy and I imagine John must have wondered many times who this woman was he was living with because she was pretty different from the one he married. And recently John has been so supportive and encouraging. We just changed churches recently to have a church family closer to our home. And God is really using it to challenge us and wake us up from the post-baby busy life stupor. It is really making a big difference in John, who is praying more and reading his Bible more. It really is an Awakening. And our family has already been extremely blessed by it.

So, yeah, I'm a pretty awesome wife to allow John to have a dream surf-trip. But John's a pretty awesome husband for loving me at my worst and helping me get to my best.

7 Days Flying Solo

2010-06-19T08:52:00.000-07:00

Saturday Morning. Day One of a week without John, who is on a surf trip in Mexico. (Yes, fully supported and not resented by me.)
Goals for the Week:
1. Have fun. Pancakes for dinner. Ice cream for breakfast. Whatever! We are going to have fun! Special day trips and beach fun planned. Don't just count down the moments until John gets home.
2. Pray every day. For myself, for John, for Z and for Harper. Praying Z has a "good" week of behavior. Praying I am strong and consistent no matter what kind of week Z has.

I have a plan for every day and some kind of help almost every day. I'm funding our babysitter's summer vacation. :)

Day One- Saturday:
> Babysitter at 9:30am. Breakfast with a friend. Home for naps and afternoon. Babysitter at 6:30pm. Dinner with a friend.

Here we go!

Saturday Night (10pm). Pretty good day, but very little of it was me at home by myself. Feeling okay. Off to bed!

Mess Making During Nap

2010-06-08T15:20:00.000-07:00

The up side to no nap? House of total quiet at 9pm. The down side to no nap? Figuring out how to get through quiet play time without gigantic messes (one of which included diaper rash cream and a lot of crying on my part). I've tried a variety of tactics to motivate Z to keep his room clean, and so far there has been a little improvement, but I can't say it's not a problem at all anymore. Sometimes the mess is made in playing - Z likes to pile all his stuff together and then "plow" it across the room. Or sometimes the pile is a natural disaster or sometimes a beaver dam (see picture below). As long as he's not destroying anything I've been telling him he can make messes as long as he cleans them up. I've been telling him he can come out when he's done cleaning everything up.

At first I wasn't sure if it was realistic to expect him to clean up his room on his own. One day he pulled everything out of the dresser- clothes and diapers were everywhere. I told him he had to clean it up and left the room. After crying and praying and trying to calm down, I went back in. I honestly expected it not to be done and I was looking forward to it so I could discipline him. I admit my goal was really punishment, not discipline. I was just still mad that he had made the big mess. When I went in, I was shocked. The room was spotless! He had put everything back- even into the right drawers. Harper's pajamas with Harper's pajamas, Z's with Z's. Diapers in the center cabinet. It wasn't perfect but he did a really good job! Well. I couldn't discipline him after that! I told him I didn't want him to do that again (which he hasn't) and told him he did a good job cleaning up.

But then the cleaning up was taking a REALLY long time. He was in his room for another two hours after the first hour and a half "cleaning" up the mess. I realized that I didn't want him taking that long to clean up. What if we had to go somewhere? So, borrowing an idea from a new book I'm reading, Loving Our Kids On Purpose by Danny Silk (a book which may have just changed my life- I'll write more on it later), I tried a new tactic. I told Z that if he didn't want to clean up the mess he could pay me to do it.

We talked it through a lot and I gave him examples of how he could pay me. I would accept payment in the form of his toys. I listed the toys that were worth enough for my labor: garbage truck, dump truck, fire truck. No, not the stroller- that's Harper's. No, not Elmo (because he doesn't really play with him anymore). No, not books. Why? Because they are something all of us enjoy; they don't belong just to you. This negotiation gave me insight into what Z really valued so I know what the high cost items are.

The first time he told me he wanted to pay me to do it. I said it would cost the garbage truck. But if he wanted to help me clean it up, it wouldn't take me as long so it would cost less. If we cleaned up together it would cost him the dump truck. Deal. We shook hands on it and cleaned the mess together. No fussing or crying. No punishment. The next day I took dump truck with me when I went out by myself. As I was leaving with the truck, Z asked about it and I reminded him that he paid me with it yesterday. He said, "oh... bye dump truck!" With some help from a friend, I "sold" dump truck and showed Z the money in my pocket when I got home.

We've only just started this new approach, so I'm curious to see what effect it has. However, I already like what I see. After Z and I cleaned up the mess together, later in the day, Harper tried to pull books off the shelf. Z said, "No, Harper, I just cleaned that up!!" Does that sound familiar?

The End of the World: Dropping Naps

2010-06-08T14:47:00.000-07:00

I thought it would be the end of the world when Z stopped taking his afternoon nap. Has anyone noticed the world ending? So it turns out life moves on and I've found ways to adapt.

For almost a year, Z hasn't been going right to sleep when we put him to bed. Thankfully we got through the phase where he wouldn't stay in his room or in his bed. So we put him to bed at 8:30pm and he would read and play in his bed until 9:30 or 9:45pm. I knew that the afternoon nap was contributing to it, but when he missed his afternoon nap he got SOO cranky by 6/7pm. I figured we were in a transition phase and decided to put him down for a nap and get one when I could, knowing he would be up making noise (and perhaps requiring some interaction) until 9 or 10pm. If you know me, then you know I also grabbed a nap at the same time, thus, my desire to keep Z's nap as long as I could.

I continued my wishful nap thinking for a good six months where he would miss a nap maybe once or twice a week. And I figured out that I could sleep even when Z doesn't. This involves ear plugs and my head between two pillows. Since the personal sacrifice (no nap for me) was no longer as much of an issue, I recently decided to let him decide whether he wanted to take a nap. I told him he had to stay in his room for quiet play time or to sleep. I think the novelty of not having to take a nap motivated him to stay in his room. There were a few times I had to tell him to go back, but he has been pretty good about staying in there. For the first week he played for a little while (maybe 30-40 minutes) and then put himself to sleep. We're in the third week now and he has not gone to sleep once this week. I have him stay in his room for an hour and half to two hours and I manage to catch a 30-45 minute nap. Z is doing better with more sleep at night and he isn't getting unbearably cranky in the evening. It just took some adjustment time to get over the crabby hump.

At the same time, Harper has pretty much dropped her morning nap. She'll be 16 months at the end of this week. Unlike with Z, I could hardly wait for her to drop the morning nap because it makes things easier. Without the nap, we can all go out and do things and we're not stuck at home so much. Also, she is sleeping longer in the afternoon, so that gives me more time to do my stuff or to hang out with just Z. She is so easy-going still that even when she is pretty tired, and could have taken a morning nap, she isn't overly cranky. Sometimes I try to get her down a little earlier than 1pm for her nap, but it's not critical. I'm looking forward to some fun things we can do this summer with the whole morning uninterrupted!

No nap for Z has brought on new challenges, which I'll save for another post. But I guess I'm glad we've gone through another milestone and I see yet again how we can all adjust and adapt. And it never is really as bad as I think it's going to be.

Why Being A Mom Is So Hard

2010-05-13T10:25:00.001-07:00

I've been talking to a lot of friends lately about the struggles of being a Mom. I've also been thinking a lot about my own struggles- when I feel the most defeated, what I feel when I'm frustrated and angry with my kids, what events cause the most stress to me. Here are some reasons why motherhood is difficult for me. Perhaps they'll ring true for you also.

Previous Levels of Success Don't Always Translate to Motherhood
No matter what you did before you were a mom, you will always feel out of your element when becoming a mom for the first time. And as I come across every new step in mothering, I feel yet again out of my league. Then the second child comes along and you think it will be easier. To some extent it is easier, but every child is different and you have to learn how to adapt and change your approach with that new child. It's easy to remember previous successes in life- high school awards, college degrees, promotions at work- and think, I should be able to handle this. I have a college degree! I did this or that! And our society tells us that those are obvious measures of success and set you up for a prosperous future. And the irony is that a college degree doesn't really help with the daily challenges of being a mom- disciplining your children, not losing your temper, stacking blocks for the 15th time, cutting grapes and packing diaper bags.
Don't get me wrong, a college degree (as one example of success) is valuable and I highly recommend it. I even think it will come in handy (and already has) in communicating with my children, problem solving, multi-tasking. I'm just saying that it's a fallacy to think that a successful person will automatically be successful at parenting.

Parenting Requires A Different Measure of Success
Since my previous measures for success aren't translating to motherhood, I've been thinking a lot about what I view as successful parenting. And I'm starting to see why my frustration is so high when I have to discipline Z over and over again. I've been judging my success as a parent by Z's behavior. When Z is obedient, I'm doing a good job. Talk about setting myself up for failure! Z is a sinner, just like me. He will never be perfect, just like I won't. Yet I'm holding myself responsible for his behavior. If I did a better job, he wouldn't be disobedient or unkind. The only measure of my success is my own actions as a parent. Z will disobey. Z will knock over his sister. So, what did I do in response? Did I discipline him in anger? Did I take the time to firmly and lovingly discipline him and teach him what is right? THAT is my success or failure!
The tricky thing is that there is a correlation between successful parenting and the behavior of the child. If I am doing my best in training and disciplining Z, there will be results. But those results are long term and gradual. And Z's behavior is his responsibility as well. Even perfect parenting (as if that existed) does not always bring perfect results. A child does eventually make his own way and may turn away from the things you've taught him. Which is just another reason to trust God and rely on His grace in our failures and your kids' failures.

Lack of Recognition
Of course your two-year-old doesn't tell you good job. No one thinks they will. But I certainly think that someone ought to notice. Someone is going to stop me in the grocery and tell me what well-behaved children I have. My mom or in-laws are going to say that I'm doing a great job with their grandkids. My husband is going to be daily blown away by the way I handled the day with endurance and a sense of humor. Okay, maybe not that much, but shoot, a little appreciation goes a long way, right? If only I could really grasp this verse: "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving." (Colossians 3:23-24) How much would that change my daily life? And, I'm not letting our husbands off the hook, who really should make an effort to encourage us in our mothering, but imagine if we only cared about what God thought. And we only thought about our eternal reward. Phew. I'm not anywhere close to that, but thank the Lord that He is working in me. That is definitely something I'll be praying for...and I know God will appreciate it!

Therapy Session (2)

2010-03-31T13:46:00.000-07:00

Be careful of the stories you believe about yourself.

This one has really been brewing in my head for a while now. It's kind of a big umbrella for all the ways we think about ourselves- either from what others have told us, the roles we've filled, or our own patterns of thinking. For one woman this might be the care-taking role she has always filled as the oldest sibling that develops into caring for everyone else except herself. She finds her worth in caring for others to such an extent that she might feel worthless when she doesn't. For another woman this might mean that she thinks she's not smart because of words a teacher or parent said to her when she struggled in school.

For me, it looks like this. I think that if I plan and prepare and work hard enough then everything in my life will go smoothly. I think I'm smart and capable (which is good). But I think that because of that, everything should be easy. When I make mistakes, I beat myself up about them. It could be something as silly as forgetting to write something on my grocery list, thus causing another trip to the grocery store. Or it could be the bigger mistakes like losing my temper with Z or, on the other side of the coin, letting a discipline problem go unaddressed. If I really let the voice go in my head, these mistakes turn into failures, with a capital F. It's only a short jump to go from "I'm failing" to "I'm a failure."

What a lie! Not only am I not a failure, God tells me that He is perfecting His work in me. I will never be perfect on this earth, just like no one else will be. And sometimes stuff just happens no matter how perfectly I might plan and prepare. It is unrealistic to think that I can make anything perfect in this world. But, I can be confident that GOD is refining me in His perfect timing. And I can rest in knowing that His grace for me is infinite. And, if I really think about it from His perspective, does God care if I forget to buy milk? Doesn't He care more that I don't get bent out of shape about it and snap at my family? So, I'm working on staying alert for that voice in my head that tells me I'm failing. I'm fighting back against it and replacing it with God's words about me.

So think about it. What stories do you hear about yourself? Are they true? Where do they come from? Just because the words are in your head doesn't make them true.

Therapy Session (1)

2010-03-22T13:37:00.000-07:00

So it turns out that I don't blog as much when I go to a therapist. Interesting. I always knew blogging was therapeutic for me!

I've been learning a lot in my therapy sessions. I ended up switching to a Christian therapist and I'm so glad I did. The biggest difference was really just that I felt a lot more comfortable with her. She is very warm and personable and it is easy to talk to her. I've been surprised by the breadth of things we've talked about. All of it has been really good for me. I'm going to share some of what I'm learning where I think it could be helpful for others.

1. Parents Need To Take Breaks... especially if you're an introvert.
I always knew I was an introvert, but I underestimated how important getting alone time is for me. I can see how most of my breakdowns in the past have been after an intense time without breaks. I've really been prioritizing time away and it is helping a ton. John has really been supportive of this and reminds me every weekend. Having babysitters more often has helped and even when I'm working I take a half hour or more to do something on my own- get coffee and read a book, drive and listen to music. Having more time to myself has helped in my relationship with John also. So often in the evenings I'm just ready to shut down and zone out. Unfortunately, that is the most common time that John and I have together. But I find that my alone time during the day helps me reserve some energy for him at the end of the day. Talking through all of this with him has helped him understand me better, I think. The other night I was on the couch just decompressing from the day. He sat down on the chair next to the couch and said that he wanted to give me a hug and tell me that he loves me, but he could tell that I needed some space to myself. It was the best gift ever! It was like getting a hug and space at the same time! Perfect!

New

2010-03-02T15:18:00.001-08:00

Just adjusting to the new normal here. Learning the difference between hard days and days lived in depression. Every time a difficult day pops up I get scared that the depression is returning. It feels like the black cloud (think Lost) is circling at my ankles and I'm not sure if it will grab me and throw me across the jungle or just click and go away. So far it has always left. Sometimes I kick it lose and sometimes I realize it was never there at all.
Mostly it is really just fear. Fear that the depression will come back. Fear that I won't realize it and I'll suffer through months of darkness again. But I have to remember that I will never be in the same position again. Before I didn't really know what was going on. Now I know what to watch for and I'm on medicine that is already working and can be adjusted to work better if needed.
My therapist (how weird is it to say that?!) says that every time I "exercise" my brain to get through the struggles and realize that it is not depression that I build my ability to do it again. Each time the exercise will get a little easier until I won't even realize I'm doing it. I'll just recognize the feelings and move past them. I like this idea of exercising or practicing. It reminds me of when Paul talks about training as if for a race (1 Corinthians 9:23-27). I feel like I'm practicing trusting that God will take care of me and by doing so I gain confidence in getting through the struggles of every day life.

Speaking of new... I think I felt the need to mark this new phase of my life. I decided to change my hair. I have not changed my hair significantly since high school.
Here it is:

(Don't pay attention to my dirty mirror.)

Harper: One Year Old

2010-02-13T15:46:00.001-08:00

Warning-- Gush alert...

My little sweet girl is one year old! Harper continues to exude her middle name, Joy. I love getting to know her personality as she becomes more expressive and able to communicate. Every time she turns her hands up (like she's offering you a delicate plate of tea cakes) in her "all done" sign, my heart melts. She scoots/crawls around like a little monkey with one leg tucked under her and the other foot out in front pulling her along. She is getting very quick at this crawl and loves to insert herself in whatever Z is doing at any given moment. Harper will often crawl over to my or John's legs, grab hold and bury her little face into a shin or calf. Her favorites sounds to make are "teh"- like a soft push of air through her teeth, and "mama" and "da" (with the long "a" like cat).

Harper is curious and likes to explore although she tends to stick to toys, books and swinging doors. She does not show the same fascination Z had for electric cords, thankfully. She does like to get into a cabinet in the kitchen she's not allowed. I tell her no and she gives me the most charming "who me" smile you've ever seen. A lot of the time she'll stop when I say no. She easily moves on to other interests. Sometimes she'll throw a mini-fit when I take something away. There is no more appropriate phrase than tempest in a teapot. She throws her head back, sheds a few tears and then, pop, as if the lid went back on the teapot, she's off to find something else to do. This is highly amusing although I have to stop laughing at this highly unacceptable behavior (hee hee).

Harper's favorite game is for me to chase her. I tell her I'm gonna get her and I make sounds on the wood floor behind her. She looks at me, sticks her tongue out and then scampers off to get away. When I finally catch her and grab her around the middle, her giggle sounds like bubbles percolating up through her throat. I can't get enough of that giggle. I can't say enough about my precious, sweet, fun little girl.

Here are some pictures from birthday festivities:
She was not impressed with what her Papa called a gratuitous American birthday tradition.

Her chubby little hands enjoyed mushing the frosting, though.

She's just started to push things and walk behind them. We see this tongue-out expression often. :)

Job Performance Feedback

2010-02-11T09:40:00.000-08:00

When I stopped working full time and became a stay-at-home mom, I knew that I would no longer get the feedback on my work that you get in a career job. I knew there would be no more performance evaluations or awards or raises. Getting praise for my work was very important to me and I wanted to know I was doing a good job and feel accomplishment.

In motherhood the feedback comes in smaller, less obvious ways. It's rarely in a verbal form from someone else, but I might see some changes or improvements in Z's behavior. Or I might realize that something I struggled with is no longer a struggle. I see it the most when I have markers to highlight changes. For example, when I compare Z's two-year checkup with his three-year checkup, I can see Z's growth summarized in an hour-long contrast. At two years I had a very hard time keeping Z calm in the exam room. I did everything I could to entertain him and he was still whiney and upset most of the time. When the doctor came in he tried to get out of the room. He hid in the corner and just stared at the doctor. It took a lot of coaxing to get the exam done. I remember being very worried about his minimal speech and frustrated that I couldn't understand what he needed. At three years we had a good time in the exam room. We read together and watched the cars outside. When the doctor came in, he sat calmly on the exam table and was very curious about her tools. He talked to the doctor and wasn't the least bit shy or nervous. Although I can't say that the improvement is really a direct result of my parenting, because age and development are a part of it, I can at least feel good that I'm helping Z along the way. I can say to myself that I'm doing a good job.

Yesterday, I had the uncommon experience of having a lot of feedback all in one day. I talked about depression at our MOPS meeting. Not only did I see the other women connecting to what I was saying while I was talking, I also got a lot of comments about it afterward. I'm so thankful it was helpful to others. I really feel like the Lord is using my experience to encourage others. What a great feeling!
And then, I had my family over for dinner last night to celebrate Harper's birthday. Everyone is usually complimentary of my cooking, but my brother specifically said, "You do good work." Something about the phrasing made it stick in my head more than usual. And then, after everyone had left, John said, "Thank you for doing such a great job on Harper's birthday." That felt really great! It told me that he noticed the time I took to decorate and make special heart-shaped cupcakes and so on.

What a great day! Besides the feeling of accomplishment, I also just felt happy! Happy! Celebrating our little girl made me so thankful and joyful. She is such a treasure and I'm enjoying her so much. I have so much to be thankful for, including the ability to feel thankful. Hallelujah! Thank you, Heavenly Father.

The Sunny Side of the Street

2010-02-09T15:31:00.000-08:00

I'm still thrilled that the medicine is really helping and I feel like myself again.

This past week was a little challenging because I have a cold and sinus infection. I had to call John home early from work one day. It felt reminiscent of the "dark time" but I'm glad I was able to ask for help. And even more thankful that it really was just the sickness and not the feelings of depression coming back. I just got medicine for the sinus infection today and I'm imagining how great I will feel when I'm over that. Yeah!

Plus, things are picking up again as I start up MOPS again every other Wednesday and I'm going to start working more and we're starting a music class on Monday afternoons. I'm really happy for all of the activity and change. I feel like I've come out of a hibernation and feeling the warm sunshine on my face.

I'm going to be talking (briefly) tomorrow at our MOPS meeting about postpartum depression. I'm really excited to do it because I really hope it might help someone there in the room or even a friend of theirs down the road. It just feels like a miracle how different I feel from even three weeks ago. Praise God for His grace and steadfast love to me!

Potty Training... Does It Ever End?

2010-01-29T11:37:00.001-08:00

I've been thinking that there should be a t-shirt that says "I survived Potty Training." Really! Getting through potty training has to be at least as challenging as hiking Half Dome, right? But then I don't think any mom would know when they earned the t-shirt. When is potty training really done? Just when I think we're there, I'm cleaning up poop off the top of the swirly slide at the park. (Seriously- that was on Wednesday.) When I was joking about the t-shirt with another mom, she commented that by the time you know they're really potty trained, there is another list of things you've survived besides. So, maybe we need a fill in the blank kind of t-shirt with the phrase "I'm surviving _____ "

By the way, when Z finally unloaded the big poop he had been holding back for a few days (thus the accident at the park), he said: "Don't go on da slide! Dare's a poop dare!"

Better and Better

2010-01-28T14:57:00.001-08:00

John says, "I can't believe what medicine can do." He's feeding Harper on the couch and I'm hustling to get the laundry put away before the kids go to bed.
I say: "What do you mean?"
John says, "It was like I used to come home every night to someone drowning. And now I'm watching you do laps in the pool."

Harper's Womanly Discovery

2010-01-22T13:08:00.000-08:00

Here is Harper's exploring at 11 months.

Glad I don't have to explain those for a very long time.

Sanity Status

2010-01-21T14:05:00.001-08:00

Things are moving along here. After the initial boost on the medicine I started to feel a little bit down again towards the end of the first week. The doctor started me on a week of 25mg and then switched me to 50mg after that. I think the higher dose has started to help again. This week has been challenging with lots of rain and lots of time inside, but I've been feeling okay. I haven't woken up feeling defeated or hopeless. I've been making the effort to plan things for Z to do inside and keep us all busy. Those are all good signs.
As for the plan, here is the status:
1. Vitamin supplement- I stopped it for now because I'm on the anti-depressant. Will keep it for use later on. Still think it helped.
2. Wean Harper- Done. Done. Done. Dropped a feeding at a time and have been off breast feeding for over a week. Harper was a little bothered by it, I think. Or, it could be teething. Who knows. Still having a hard time getting her to take the recommended number of ounces a day (24-32), but all I can do is keep trying. She has been waking up a little at night so I'm trying hard to just get her enough food.
3. Go to a counselor/therapist/psychologist- Finally have an appointment for this Saturday. What an ordeal trying to find someone. I kept waiting to see if I could get someone perhaps recommended by a friend and covered by our insurance. It felt weird to just pick a name on a list. In the end? I picked a name on the list. Oh well. We'll see how it goes.
4. See my doctor about my thyroid and hormones- Done. Thyroid fine. Anti-depressants prescribed.
5. Get regular babysitter so I have guaranteed time to myself at least once a week- Have this week covered. Trying out a new babysitter for long term duty.

Phew. That's about it.

LIGHT

2010-01-15T11:32:00.000-08:00

I've had four days of medication for postpartum depression.

And...

I

Feel

BETTER!!

I can't believe the difference already! I'm so, so thankful to God for giving wisdom to man to figure out things like medication for depression. It reminds me of the line in Joy To The World: "He comes to make His blessings flow, Far as the curse is found."

I started to feel more calm and less agitated pretty quickly. But by the fourth day, I could tell a difference in how I felt and thought. Everything seemed clearer and lighter. I had a long afternoon to find something for the kids to do and I didn't despair about it. I thought of several ideas and we ended up doing them all. Z had a couple of discipline problems, but it didn't even phase me! And, for the first time in a very long time, I really enjoyed spending time with my kids! It was like looking at them with new eyes. You know how when you're away from your child(ren) and you come back and see all their adorable-ness newly and freshly? It was like that- like I was coming back from a long trip away. I noticed it more with Z, who can try the patience of a saint. I watched him play and talk and smile and it filled me up with joy. Overflowing joy!

I can't even describe the relief I feel. I have a sense of well-being and settledness. Praise God!

Sanity Update

2010-01-12T13:33:00.000-08:00

My husband pointed out that my last postings have been a little dramatic. The terms I used like "crazy" and "crossing a line" sounded really intense. I agree. And I think it's what I needed. Once I really accepted that there was a "problem," I had to label it to the extent that I felt justified in seeking help. Hm. Up until that point I kept expecting the solution to be within me. If I could just have the right perspective then the cloud would go away. When I decided that it just wasn't something I could change on my own, the labels set down a marker for me. I would not go backwards over that marker again. I'm going forward from this point. No talking myself out of it.

I went to my OB/GYN and I'm so glad I did. As soon as I said a few words and started crying, she launched into a speech about post partum depression and how it is physical and it's not just in my head, and it's not just that I'm a bad Mom, etc. Her words couldn't have been more perfect. I knew she really understood what I was feeling and that she didn't think I was crazy. (Well, you know, like make-stuff-up crazy. Okay I'm overusing that term.) We talked for a little while and she prescribed me Zoloft (anti-depressant). She said she thought I would be feeling a lot better within a week. A WEEK!

I was thinking I would wait a little before going on medication, but when I heard that, I realized how badly I want to be better. And the whole thing about this being a physical thing happening to me really sunk in. I thought I knew that about post partum depression, but I didn't really KNOW it. You know? If I accept that this is a physical condition (sure, with lots of environmental, emotional and mental components), then why wouldn't I take medicine to help me? Waiting to see if stopping breastfeeding or the vitamin supplement would help just isn't worth it. I don't want to wait in this state to see if it gets better. I'm done waiting.

So that's it. I'm on medication. I'm still going to see a therapist because I think it will still help a lot to talk through things. I'm still getting babysitters because I still need breaks. But I feel like I'm doing the best thing for me and my family to start to feel better soon. (A week! Will keep you posted.)

Project Sanity II

2010-01-07T14:55:00.000-08:00

I am so grateful to everyone who has written or called and encouraged me about this. I think a lot of what I'm feeling is very typical of young mothers, but just a little too much so. Does that make sense? It's like I have a cup of average problems and irritations. And at another point in my life I would have felt stressed but not undone. Either there are too many things in the cup or my cup is smaller right now. It's like I'm just barely hanging on all the time. And the slightest thing can fill the cup up and everything overflows.
It's so easy to disregard how I'm feeling. There are lots of reasons to be overwhelmed or tired: new baby, three year-old, breast feeding, friction in marriage, interrupted sleep at night, lots and lots of work and very few breaks. All I can say is that I finally crossed that line for myself and realized I needed help. The biggest eye-opener for me was thinking back to how I've felt in the past- pre-kids and even after Z was born (let's say 4-5 months after when I started to feel more normal). I remember being bored, but I had the energy and desire to plan new things and try to keep active. I remember being overwhelmed by problems, but I had clarity and perspective to plan solutions. There were hard days, but usually by the next day I was ready to start again, refreshed and re-energized.
If anything, things should really be feeling good right now. Z is much better behaved (most days) than a year ago. Harper is a breeze. I have two delightful children but I just can't seem to delight in them. That's a line crossed.

So, a quick update on my plan for feeling better:
1. Still on vitamin supplement. Nothing new to report.
2. Weaning. A little bit of discomfort but I'm on day 2 of dropping the 2nd feeding. Will start dropping 3rd feeding on Saturday.
3. Waiting until next week to call for an appointment, after I've been to both doctors.
4. Saw general practitioner today about my thyroid. I've been on thyroid medication for twenty years or more, so this was an obvious thing to check. He agreed to check my blood and send me to have an ultrasound on my thyroid. (Back story- one side of my thyroid feels larger than the other. My Mom had severe hypothyroidism after she gave birth to me. It didn't show up on the blood test but they found it because her thyroid was enlarged.)
I'm realizing that it's likely my OB/GYN will just suggest anti-depressants. I think I'm going to get the prescription, but wait to fill it until I've completed weaning and I've gone to a therapist for a few sessions. I'd rather wait and see before starting medication.
5. Still looking for a regular babysitter, but have a few set up in the near term.

Thanks for listening.

Project Sanity

2010-01-06T09:18:00.001-08:00

Today started as another down day. So this is a good time to remind myself of the steps in Project Sanity:
1. Take vitamin supplement for hormones (Evening primrose and some other oils)
2. Wean Harper
3. Go to a counselor/therapist/psychologist
4. See my doctor about my thyroid and hormones
5. Get regular babysitter so I have guaranteed time to myself at least once a week

Report to date:
1. So far the vitamin supplement actually really seems to be helping. There have been a few moments that would have defeated me in the past and I was able to stay calm and handle it.

2. Weaning is going really well, contrary to what I would have thought even two weeks ago. I've dropped one nursing time (11am) completely and just started dropping another one (when I usually pumped at 8pm or so). Harper seems to be fine with formula; she is more temperamental about the temperature than anything else.

3. I've called several counselors and talked to a couple. Both told me to be sure to check with my doctor. After having a couple good days, it's easy to talk myself out of going. I'm going to wait and talk to my doctors, but still set up an appointment to talk to someone too. I don't want to bury some things I'm feeling and thinking and then have another crisis situation in a few months.

4. Two appointments scheduled, which seems a miracle as I've always had a hard time getting in with my general practitioner and my OB/GYN. I've written down the things I've been feeling so I don't downplay or minimize when I talk to them.

5. I have some babysitters scheduled for the next week or so, but still don't have a regular one. Trying out a new one this week, so I'll see if she might work out. I do have one for this Saturday, which my genius friend M suggested. Saturdays are always so hard for me, so why not use that time to get away and recharge rather than become further depleted. I love it! And, I might even be able to go surfing with John rather than fight resenting him for going while I'm "stuck" at home.

Perhaps it's good I'm feeling down today because it is reminding me that this problem isn't going to just disappear. I always do this-- like when I have bad cramps and then twenty minutes later they are better and I think I was just being dramatic or something. What is that about? I don't trust myself? I don't want to be weak so I downplay my struggles? Hm. Maybe that is something a therapist will help me see.

Well, I just took my vitamin and I'm headed outside for some sunshine with Z. Praying for patience and perseverance.
Jeremiah 32:17- "Ah Lord GOD! Behold, You have made the heavens and the earth by Your great power and by Your outstretched arm! Nothing is too difficult for You,"

Breaking Through

2010-01-05T10:45:00.001-08:00

I finally decided I'm crazy. After another couple of breakdowns and good conversations with a couple friends and John, I realized that things are just not right. I am not myself. At all. I kept thinking it would get better. I kept thinking, "It's just a bad day." But it's been ten months since Harper was born (plus the pregnancy-induced craziness before that) and not that much has changed. It really should be better by now and in some ways it feels worse.

The good news is that I have a plan of action. But I realized that I often don't want to face a problem, or talk about it until I have a solution, so today I'm just going to talk about the problem. For now I want to describe what crazy feels like for me. Because perhaps someone else out there is going crazy too and doesn't know it. To me, crazy feels like this:

There's a feeling of pressure building up where I think that I can't possibly handle one more thing. Little, seemingly innocuous things send me either into rage or a frenetic state of indecision, where I jump from one thing to the next and never finish anything and can't focus on anything. My mind literally can't focus on something like making lunch because I can FEEL that runway of dirt and leaves and footprints trailing from the front door. I know the dirt can wait, but I FEEL it will destroy me if I don't handle it immediately. When it's really bad, I just cry. And cry. And cry. (To which Z says: "Mama, why you cryin' all time?")
Some days I wake up feeling already defeated and exhausted. I dread getting out of bed or hearing the kids wake up. At many points during the day I calculate how many hours until the kids are in bed, or until I'm in bed. I wonder what I'm going to do with the chasm of time between now and then. I wish that someone would come over and play with the kids so I could leave. I wonder how many more times I will have to play "gardener" with Z and sometimes I remember when I used to be able to have fun with him when doing it. I think up "errands" to go on to get out of the house and to have the kids strapped into car seats for even just the ten-minute drive so I don't have to interact with them.
Other times, it feels like there is a thick curtain between me and what is going on. I am in the moment but not of it. I watch the kids play but am distracted by the shadows and anxiety in my head. Even when I'm doing something I love, like hanging out with friends or spending time out alone, I can't quite enjoy it. The gloomy cloud has followed me and I find reasons to be annoyed or discontent with what should bring me joy.
All the time I think that I should be able to snap out of it. A quiet moment of prayer, a refocusing on what is important, wise words from a friend repeating through my mind... these should help me turn my day around. Sometimes they help a little, but often they don't. I blame myself for my failure, my bad attitude, my sin. I'm ashamed.

And then I went to see movie and laughed out loud several times. It felt like something my cheek muscles hadn't done in a long time. And then I talked to a friend* who reflected back to me what she had seen and heard for months. And she reflected back to me the person I usually am- the person she has known a long time. And I remember that I actually usually enjoy my friends, my kids, my husband. I usually have a sense of humor. I usually can get my way to a solution to most problems pretty quickly. And I realize that I am very, very tired of feeling like this.

I'm sure some of what I described are very normal mother-of-small-children feelings. But there's a line there somewhere (and perhaps it's in a different spot for each of us) and there's a point where you just have to listen to yourself and others and realize things just don't feel right. I crossed the line, folks. But I'm making changes and getting help and I'm going to break back through again.

* P.S. Thanks, M. Friend is not a big enough word to describe you.

Moments of Joy

2009-12-28T10:02:00.001-08:00

Joy has been my constant refrain this last year. I've prayed for it, studied it, thought about it a lot. I shared with some friends that my goal for this time next year was to have a little more joy. I was thinking of what seemed possible in my own struggle with choosing joy amidst the drudgery and difficulty of life with two young kids. A good friend challenged me to not set my goal so low since our God is so good as to make my joy overflow beyond what I could hope or imagine. So I started to pray for a bigger, fuller joy that is impossible in my own efforts, but completely possible for the Creator of all things.

I'm not going to tell you that God answered my prayer and I am forever changed into a light-hearted woman of effervescent joy. But I can tell you about a precious moment of tangible, palpable joy that even a sleep-deprived, dull-brained mother couldn't miss.

A Christmas concert at my Mom's church. Harper playing on the pew next to me. Z standing in his Papa's lap, straining to see Grammy on stage- mouth open, eyes wide. An easy-going, family-friendly atmosphere in which I didn't worry about the noise my children might make. Music about the coming of God as a tiny baby boy to save us from our sins. Joy. Joy filling me up and spilling over. Joy bouncing off my smile into Z's clapping hands, ricocheting over to Harper's bobbing head and zinging back to the warm spot on John's shoulder where Z's hand is resting.

That's it. That's enough.

A Few of My Favorite Things

2009-12-15T15:13:00.000-08:00

>Handel's "Messiah"
>Cookies baking in the oven
>Weather cold enough to wear a scarf
>Shopping online instead of trudging into stores with two kids
>Z pointing out every set of Christmas lights he sees, even in the day time
>Getting Christmas cards in the mail
>Z singing in his first Christmas program at church- "Gentle Mary Laid her child lowly in a manger..."
>Harper's cluelessness about the gifts at Christmas and her love for something as simple as a bowl to play with
>For the first time ever... the song "Feliz Navidad" because Z heard it on the radio (before I could turn it off) and told me that it was Mrs. M's song - the music teacher from preschool (imagine amazement in his voice that other people besides Mrs. M know that song!)

Quality of Life

2009-12-10T15:19:00.000-08:00

I'm so pleased Harper continues to sleep soundly through the night! The sleep and one less feeding both have improved my quality of life significantly. I feel like a different person. I had forgotten how good it felt to put the kids in bed by 8pm and know that the rest of the evening is mine. Just a month or so ago we weren't able to do that for either kid. Z was still fighting hard against the tyranny of a 8pm bedtime (or a 9pm bedtime for that matter). He continues to do well staying in bed once we put him to bed. He still plays, sings, chatters in his bed but he doesn't get out of bed! And even when he occasionally does the discipline is effective and he'll stay in bed after that. I am so grateful to have our evenings back!

As for potty training, things have really improved there too. I honestly had no idea it was such a long process. Z is doing really well with peeing, except for the occasional miss when aiming at the toilet (which only this morning I got upset with him about). And just in the last two weeks he has gone poo on the potty every time. About half of the time we caught him in the poo-poo stance and reminded him to go to the potty. The other half of the time he went to the potty all by himself! Today he even tried to clean himself up, unfortunately, with disastrous results: poo smeared on the wall, door and all over himself. I gotta give him credit for trying but I was NOT happy about that clean up.

Looking back on the last couple of months I am realizing how God was teaching me to trust Him amidst difficult circumstances. I spent a lot of time begging God to take the circumstances away and, I'll admit, angry at Him for not doing that. A good friend gave me the book, "Respectable Sins" by Jerry Bridges. It's all about the seemingly less terrible sins we tolerate in our lives like anger, discontentment, jealousy, etc. That chapter on anger kicked my butt. At the heart of my anger was the belief that God didn't really want what was best for me. If I believe He ordains the path of my life and is in control of all things, then He was working through the sleepless nights and the poo messes too. And then I had to remember that He causes all things to work for the good of those who love Him. I knew that God was using parenthood to refine me like nothing else in my life so far, but I kept thinking God could choose to do it a different way, like with a decent night sleep or one less poo accident.

After confronting my anger and discontentment I was able to redirect my thoughts in the difficult moments. I often prayed for patience but now I know to pray for trust in God and for help to keep me from getting angry. It's a battle. Every day. But I feel better knowing what I'm battling against- my own sin, not the poo on the floor.

Re-Training II: Crying It Out

2009-12-02T13:43:00.000-08:00

Here it is a week and a half after I last wrote and the crying it out for Harper continues. Even after she showed progress last time, the waking up started again- sometimes once, sometimes three times a night. I stopped feeding her, but I would still occasionally go to her and comfort her or give her some Tylenol if I thought it was the teething bothering her. After talking to my Baby Wise Guru and reading Chronicles of a Baby Wise Mom, I finally decided to listen to the nagging voice telling me that the dream feed was disrupting Harper's nighttime sleep. I kept thinking I didn't want to try until she was sleeping through the night, but the waking up at night and the fact that she wasn't that eager to eat at all feedings made me think she really didn't need it. I dropped the dream feed for Z when he was just over six months, so I knew it was long past due.

If I was going to drop the dream feed I had to figure out how to put Harper down to sleep at 7:30pm and not disturb her until the morning. I've kept that dream feed much longer than was really necessary because it was an easy way to move her from our bedroom to the living room for the night. After some cleaning and rearranging, Harper is now sleeping the night away in our laundry room. It's right off the kitchen but there are some curtains that hang half-way down to block some of the light. We kept the kitchen lights off and tried to be quiet when in the kitchen.

Last night was the first night and I can call it a success. After many nights of Harper waking up in the middle of the night and crying for an hour or more, I was prepared for the worst. But she woke up at 9:30pm, 10:15pm and 11pm and cried for anywhere from five to fifteen minutes. Then she slept the rest of the night! There are bags hanging in the laundry room that serve as a colorful mobile type distraction. And I added a soft lamb rattle for her to play with (advice from my BWG and our pediatrician). Sure enough, this morning around 6am I heard the rattle but she didn't make a peep. I didn't feed her until 7am!

With just a small taste of dropping that feeding I'm already feeling better. There will probably be more nights of crying, but at least I feel confident enough in the change that I can stick with it. Also, I think going to four feedings a day will start to slow down my milk production, which is actually something I want. I'm ready to be done with nursing, but trying to be patient since Harper is putting up a huge fight with the formula. That's another story. For today, I'm just happy to be making some progress that is good for Harper and for me.

Re-Training - Crying It Out Again

2009-11-20T22:17:00.001-08:00

With the recent sicknesses, and even previously with a growth spurt and teething, Harper has started waking up at night. I could kick myself but I started feeding her! Gah! It was a good call to do it the first few times because I did think it might be a growth spurt, but after that, I should have known! That's a downside of breastfeeding this long: it is way too easy to whip it out in the middle of the night instead of simply comforting.
Anyway, mistakes aside, we're finally through the sickness (Harper's) and mental fog (mine) and I can see clearly now how she doesn't need the feeding. It has even started to affect her eating during the day. She is not eating very much of the solid food because she's getting the extra calories at night.
It is time to begin Crying It Out. Ugh. I thought I was through it. But here we go again. Harper's back in the pack-n-play in the living room (where she's been for a while, actually, because of the sick waking up at night- both Z and Harper). I'm trying to focus on this as a spiral of re-training. I am not back at the beginning. We are just revisiting. This happens a lot with kids, right? - having to learn and learn again.

Night One:
2:30am. 45 minutes on the dot. Hm.. one full sleep cycle. Interesting. I listened to Fernando Ortega turned up too high on my iPod. John had to use ear plugs. But we made it. Her crying was a little off and on until the end when it got more persistent. Those 9 month olds know what's up and she wasn't too happy about it.

Night Two:
Hallelujah! 12:30am. 5 minutes of crying and then she didn't wake up again until the morning. Another praise was Z didn't wake up that night either. Yeah! Six consecutive hours of sleep!

Night Three:
Another small wakeup for just a few minutes. Yeah!

I'm going to take a moment of self-congratulation and just say that I think my hard work in training Harper up until this point allowed her to more quickly get back on track with sleeping through the night. Sometimes it's hard to see the result of the work I do each day, so I'm thankful for this very tangible success. Also, it reminds me how quickly things can change and just when you think a particular struggle isn't going to end, it does. Hm. That sounds familiar. I guess I needed a little re-training too.

Z 3

2009-11-19T14:26:00.001-08:00

Big Boy Z is three years old today! Weird to think back to that surprise Sunday when Z came one month early. We had NO idea what we were in for... in so many delightful and challenging ways.

Z is really growing up in so many ways. We can see how he has changed even in the last six months. He's talking up a storm and likes to point out things he sees- Mixer, mama! Struck-shun site not working, mama! After seeing a big wall built around the Storybook ride at Disneyland he is obsessed with construction and building things. Every morning he moves all of his trucks and big toys onto Mama and Papa's bed and builds a wall around the "whale." We've taught him to be a good foreman, putting safety first (watching the edge of the bed) and giving his construction workers breaks (for lunch and naps). At the end of the day he moves the construction site to another location in the house (since Mama and Papa need our bed to sleep). He is super excited to go to Disneyland tonight because last time we were there they told us the Storybook ride would be open today.

Z is starting to really enjoy music and singing now. They have a music time at preschool on Thursdays and he comes home wanting to play his guitar (his lawnmower turned sideways). He can sing two songs with all of the words, the Alphabet song and the Wonder Pets song, and a few others with some humming mixed in. When Harper cries I taught Z to sing to her rather than making loud roaring sounds. He very sweetly sings A, B, C, D...like it's a lullaby. It is so cute.

Z still loves gardeners, construction trucks, garbage trucks, dinosaurs and trains. And Curious George. He has learned to ask to watch George rather than just turning the TV on: "Okay watch some George now, Mama?" I also still really enjoy Curious George. The things that make him laugh the most are: jumpy squirrel on Curious George, getting tickled, the "hot-hot-hot" game with Uncle David and playing crash with Papa.

Z's potty training is still a bit of a challenge, but he has come a long way. We've gotten into a routine of when he goes and he has no problem going pee. We still struggle pretty much every time with the poo. We still use a kid potty for poops because he is more comfortable on them and can do it all on his own with some privacy in his room. He still gets dinosaur treats ("fruit" snacks shaped like dinosaurs) for going poo in the potty.

Z's sleep at night is about the same. He still wakes up once or twice on most nights. Just this last week he woke up really upset because he said he needed to brush his teeth. I shuffled back to bed and John helped him through it by taking him to the bathroom to brush his teeth. Once John flipped the light on, Z realized he didn't have a clue why he wanted to brush his teeth and he went back to bed.

Besides the waking up in the middle of the night, there has been a huge improvement in his going to bed and staying in bed. We had been disciplining him over and over for months and months about getting out of bed when we put him to bed at night. It really seemed like nothing would ever work. I guess consistency and time won the day. We told him one night that he could have a treat if he stayed in bed (a tactic we tried before that didn't work). This time it worked! He worked really hard to stay in bed even though he didn't fall asleep right away. And he got a treat. He has been doing it pretty much every night for a couple of weeks now. What a huge difference for John and I! Praise the Lord!

Overall Z is super imaginative and creative. Almost any toy can be turned into something he likes (lawnmower, edger, router, etc.). He'll take one small thing from something like a book or a Curious George episode and build a whole world out of it. We have spent an hour on a walk looking for the Rankins' silo (farmers on Curious George). If I didn't watch the show with him, I would have no idea what he was saying when he said, "It's the wrong siwo!" Or the other day in the bath when he told me he had found the satewite (satellite). Yes, another Curious George episode. Hilarious!

Z is a really sweet, fun-loving kid. We are so thankful for his health and growth over the last three years.
Happy Birthday, big Z!

Ask For Help

2009-11-18T09:09:00.001-08:00

Just coming out of a week or so of physical and emotional breakdown on the level of post partum week 8-10. The trouble was that I didn't have a recent delivery and a newborn to help me realize I needed to ask for help. I've been struggling for months with interrupted sleep- mostly from Z who is still waking up 1-2 times every night. Then we got sick and Harper started waking up all the time at night. Somehow I still hobbled along expecting to still do laundry, make dinners, do something fun with the kids and so on until I reached my breaking point on Monday.

The best kind of friend listened to me cry on the phone and prayed with me and then convinced me to call John and tell him I needed help. He was able to leave work and come home to help. He was actually surprised since he thought I was fine when he left that morning. I had kept the tears back until I shut the door. John took the kids out twice so I could sleep some. Since he was home "to help," we were able to communicate better about what I needed. He had been around all weekend and I had never told him what I needed him to do to help me.

This has been a huge learning experience for me. Not just about recognizing my signs for help (for example, when I cry about lumpy mashed potatoes?), but communicating my need to John. I'm not sure why I think I have to be brave and strong and I can't ask for help. I was especially obtuse about it considering my history for mental disintegration when sleep deprived. But perhaps I can blame that on the lack of sleep. Or maybe it's just pride, pure and simple. I am so much harder on myself than I would ever be on a friend. Thank God for friends who can mirror you back to yourself and help you to see things how they really are.

Thank you, M, for your tangible, real friendship that reached me even through the phone. Love.

Some Words to Help

2009-11-12T09:16:00.000-08:00

I found these verses helpful this morning after another night in a long series of nights without much sleep.
Psalm 62 (excerpts)
1 My soul finds rest in God alone;
my salvation comes from him.
2 He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.
...

5 Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from him.
6 He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
7 My salvation and my honor depend on God;
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.

8 Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.
Selah
...

11 One thing God has spoken,
two things have I heard:
that you, O God, are strong,
12 and that you, O Lord, are loving.
...

All Grows Up

2009-11-11T09:47:00.000-08:00

It was a winding road that led us here, but Z started preschool!

His November birthday means he's either very young for his grade or older for his grade, so I'm pretty sure I'll be keeping him back so that he'll be older. That means that now that he is almost three, he'll have three years of preschool before starting Kindergarten. That seemed like so much that I originally thought I wouldn't put him in it this year. Praise God, things change!

First I thought I would do a structured play group with some friends. We would meet twice a week and take turns organizing something for the kids. That didn't pan out. (And I'm glad it didn't because it would have been a lot of work!)

Then, I signed up for a co-op "preschool" that meets at a park near our house. It seemed like a great combination of an outdoor environment with opportunity for playing with other kids and some project and learning times for development. I was required to work one day a week and then Z was able to go any of the five days of the week. It was very inexpensive but they make money by doing fundraisers and things like that. I thought it would be a great way to give him some structure and be able to participate myself. In the end, it wasn't for us.

First I started to call it a "play group" instead of preschool because I didn't want Z to get the wrong idea. It was mostly organized with play time, project time, snack, etc. However, there were so many kids (35-40) that it was like herding cats to get all the kids to participate. So, I thought, okay, I'll think of it as an opportunity to play with other kids only. But Z is not an out-going kid and really has to be drawn in personally to participate. He played happily by himself in the sand (lots of great sand toys) and only participated at snack time. I didn't like how it felt so anonymous. No one knew his name and no one was able to take the time to involve him. And then there was the amount of work for me personally. Working one day a week was pretty tiring and it was hard to balance Harper's needs on that day. And there were meetings and fund-raisers and social events.... I couldn't help feeling that I would always work way harder than what we were getting out of it. I called it the Costco of preschools. It was very inexpensive, but it was a lot of work and very mass-produced.

So, I don't want to bash co-ops, because they are all different and can be great depending on your needs. However, I'm glad it didn't work out because it made me research preschools and enroll Z this year. He's been going three weeks and he really likes it. There are only 10 kids and the teacher knows his name (of course! just pointing out the differences). I think the late start was actually a blessing because I didn't have preschool on my brain while potty-training Z. As if we needed any more pressure in that realm!

I'm just so thankful how God stepped me through this to end up here. I'm really pleased with it. The step-by-step to getting there was actually less stressful for me. By the time I started looking there were less choices which was a good thing for me! I'm amazed at how God cares about these things in our lives and guides us through it. And Z is amazed at his backpack!

Every Day is A Hard Day

2009-11-02T15:05:00.000-08:00

I find myself saying, "this was a hard day," a lot. And I think every day that is like that I think that it was the hardest day yet. And then another day comes along to top it. And it is relative. One child is sick with a cold so you can't do any of your planned Halloween activities is hard. And then you get sick too. And then the baby gets sick. The baby suddenly waking up at 2 and 4am is hard (teething) and then the baby gets sick and wakes up even more than that, and what's worse is you can't sleep because you can't breathe through your nose and your throat hurts...

Blah, blah, blah...No need to elaborate. You all know what I'm talking about. But I'll summarize by saying it's been a tough few days here. Everyone is feeling better, but that didn't keep me from losing it with Z this afternoon in a power struggle over his tools, which I took away because he played with them during his nap time. I'm so ashamed when I lose my temper with him. Especially when it is physical and I spank him when I am upset. I asked Z to forgive me for getting angry and he said sorry for throwing a "tantum." And I know when he gets up from his nap (he's in there sleeping now) I'll love him just as I always have. Isn't that what God does? Isn't there nothing that can separate us from the love of Christ (Romans 8:35)? Even ourselves (1 John 3:20)? Yet I struggle to let go of my sin and move on. In reality, I doubt that God really does forgive me. And if He can't forgive me what hope is there of me truly forgiving Z?

If Z were to ask me, "Do you fo-give me, Mama?" would I ever not? Of course not! (I might hold a grudge for a little bit, but eventually I would- really, I would. Yes, I'm working on that too.) Don't I tell Z that I love him no matter what? Then how much more will the Creator of the Universe, the Prince of Peace, the Lamb of God forgive me?

And if I keep praying for God to fill me with His Spirit so that maybe next time I won't lose control and get angry...
"Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!"Luke 11:10-14

Remind Me Why We Do This?

2009-10-21T15:04:00.000-07:00

Z, Harper and I went to the pumpkin patch today. We went last year and had a really fantastic time. This year didn't live up to my expectations, to say the least. Z was whiney. Harper wouldn't smile for pictures or eat her lunch. It was hotter than I expected and I think my face got a sunburn. Z was a typical bipolar two-year-old, wanting to go on a ride and then crying to get off as soon as I got him buckled in. We went through that routine four or five times. He even did it with the choo choo that he LOVED last year. And last year I remember feeling a calm acceptance to his interactions with farm animals in the petting zoo. This year all I could think about was the fecal matter strewn through the hay that he persisted in picking up and playing with.

And then, for the grand finale, when I finally decided we needed to leave because both kids were starting to meltdown and it appeared we would popcorn between rides and Z's indecision indefinitely, Z had a gigantic tantrum. At several points I had to pick him up and carry him while steering the stroller with one hand. At one point I was dragging him on gravel parking lot hoping the knees in his new jeans wouldn't get a hole. At one point I lost my temper. Okay, at several points. Somewhere between the knee dragging and an angry spanking between parked cars, one of the friends who we met at the pumpkin patch drove by and rolled down her window. She said, "Remind me why we do this?"

Why do we do this? Why? That question has been rolling around in my head for a long, long time. It comes up almost every Sunday when the disruption to schedule seem an insurmountable stumbling block. It comes up almost every week when we go to my Mom's house for dinner and don't get home until after bedtime. It comes up every time I've ever gone to Disneyland. The thing is, the question usually doesn't come up until you're on your way home. When you're there, wherever there is, there are moments of joy. Sometimes it's just the moment of boredom we avoided by getting out of the house. Sometimes it's a surprisingly delightful story I'll write down in my journal of motherhood memory-keeping. And, true, there are times that the outing is a complete disaster. But I still pack up all my bags and forget the wipes (again) just for the chance that a wonderful moment will be had. Without some risk there is no gain.

It's like with surfing. There are lots of times (not so many recently for me) the getting up early, going into the cold water, fighting the crowds and so on really doesn't pan out. Maybe I'll catch one wave and I'll spend the rest of the time pissed about the wave-hog nearby. But when it does work, and I have caught that really nice wave, it makes me want to spend the rest of my life trying to get it again. There's no guarantee that this time will be the best, but hope springs eternal, right?

I guess my answer to the question my friend asked is this: we hope. We hope it will be fun. We hope we'll see our kids' smiles. We hope we'll have an interesting story to tell our husbands or a friend. We hope we'll catch a photo that will live framed in our house when our grandkids come over one day. We hope our kids will learn and grow by experiencing new things. We hope that at some point we'll forget the tantrum on the way home and we'll just remember the special time in a new, or perhaps our favorite, place. (And the photo we got will help with the selective amnesia because, don't know about you, but I don't ever get a picture of the tantrum after the event.)

So to all my fellow mothers who trudge out into the experiment of life with your little random behavior generators, here's to the hope that the next time will be better than the last.

About Having Two Kids

2009-10-13T21:39:00.000-07:00

Now that I have a little (emphasis on little) perspective on having two kids...

During Pregnancy
It's in a mother's nature to feel guilty, but that guilt takes on all kinds of new dimensions when she is pregnant with child number two. "I'm not as excited about the second child as I was with the first." "What if I don't love the second one as much as the first." "I am neglecting my first because I'm too exhausted and nauseous and pregnant." "If I can't even handle one while I'm pregnant, how am I going to handle two?" "I'm hormonal and have zero patience for my first." "I'm not eating as well as I did with my first; not gaining weight like I did with my first; gaining more weight than I did with my first..."

I recommend you give a little talk to your second child in utero. The talk goes something like this:

You are our second child. We will love you just as much as our first, but that love might look a little different. We won't have as many pictures of you. We won't have a video of your ultrasounds. We won't force people to watch said video of your ultrasound. We won't hop to your every whimper and vibrate with anxiety at your smallest cough. We won't obsess over every indicator of personality (He seems so persistent with that rattle! Oh, boy, he's going to be stubborn like his Dad.) because we know, soon enough, we'll see it in all its two-year old glory. You are likely to have a few more cuts and bruises earlier on than your sibling, either inflicted by your sibling or occurring while we are distracted with your sibling, but your head won't be lopsided like your sibling's because your newbie parents didn't know to rotate the little melon. And, hey, more up-side to being the second: we will not expect you to be perfect (our delusions of that goal long-ago broken by your older sibling). We will not fret over every mess and nick you make to our house (it has long since been smeared and scratched into submission). You will probably get away with more, either because we're too busy to notice or because you will have learned how to be sneaky far too young from your older sibling.

This whole speech is similar to the discussion you've had with friends about how the love in your marriage after x-many years is more comfortable and soothing than what it was when you were just dating or newlywed. There is a thrill to dating (and the first child) that I loved. There were times I couldn't stop myself from smiling with the exhilaration and happiness of it all. But, there was also a lot of anxiety and hard work in figuring it all out. I love the security and ease after 11 years of marriage and the more confident, easy-going mothering of a second child. Both experiences are great. They are just different.

Post Partum
The second child is here and you begin the adjustment. Life is not the same (again). But there is a lot that doesn't change, like your toddler's tantrums. No, just teasing (sort of). What I mean is that once you have a routine of having a kid, a second can fit right in (with some adjustment, of course). After making the change from working full time to being a stay-at-home mom with the first child, I didn't have the same rock-my-world-grief-over-the-life-I-used-to-live with the second. And, since you have an older child who is burning holes in the carpet running in circles, you have to get out of the house a little more than you probably did with the first. This is a good thing. Sure, the naps will suffer and child number two will probably get sick more, but he/she will be more resilient because of it.

There are lots of great things about having two kids instead of one (if only to avoid the only child situation- no offense to the only children out there, I'm sure you turned out lovely). I'm told that the kids will eventually play together. I'm only starting to get a glimpse of this as "playing" still consists of Z knocking Harper over. However, already Harper laughs for Z like she won't for anyone else. Now, I hope you won't feel I'm overly negative here, but I do want to prepare you for a highly possible scenario when the second child comes: you will no longer like your first child.

Okay, don't panic. I said you will no longer like your first child. You will absolutely still love him or her. And before you get too worried, this feeling does go away. But let me express this in a speech to make to your first child - while you are on a walk by yourself with no one around to witness it:

You are the first child. You were God's gift to mankind for a long time. The entire family doted and ah'ed and obsessively swapped out screen-saver pictures of you every day. But things are going to change a little because everyone, and I mean everyone, likes a sweet, dimpled baby better than an opinionated toddler. Don't get me wrong. In the fun department, on a good day, you are way more fun than a baby. And you probably don't cry as much. But all it takes is a few power struggles over vegetables, or a television show, or the dinosaur pajamas ("nyooooooo...not wee-ooo....me want roars!") and most people will offer to change the baby's diaper instead. What I'm saying is that between an averagely content baby and an averagely ornery toddler, you, the toddler, are gonna lose. So, don't be surprised if your sleep-deprived mother loses her temper a little bit more than usual. And please be patient with me when I get extremely upset about what you thought was a perfectly reasonable power tool noise that just happened to wake up the baby. I promise that it will get better and, no matter how much I wish a relative would just come pick you up and take you to the park for an hour, or a week, that I love you very, very much. You, my first, will always have a special hold on my heart. And we will always have more pictures of you than your sibling.

So, get that speech out. Admit it. Own it. And then let it go. Stop the comparisons, stop the if-only's. Love your toddler as a toddler. Love your baby as a baby. Decide to put the toddler to bed and let your spouse put the baby to bed. Connect to your toddler in the moments that you love (for me, that is reading before bedtime). And enjoy your baby even when your toddler is watching and will likely misbehave the second you make one cooing sound at your baby. Love them. Love them both for who they are in this moment and never wish to change it.

How to Find Joy Even While Picking Up Poop Off the Floor

2009-10-07T14:49:00.000-07:00

I've been spending a good amount of time lately talking with friends and mentors about this. How to choose to be joyful amidst the trials of every day life. Amidst the tedious sameness of each day or the relentlessness of little ones needing me. Or the feeling of hopelessness during yet another tantrum and that question that haunts me: is it ever going to get better? And today, my own personal thorn in the flesh: cleaning up poo that has been stepped in and tracked all over the floor. For some reason, picking up feces seems to be particularly defeating. It makes me want to cry and scream and give up. Without going into psycho-analysis of why poo-cleaning is so hard on me, let me just talk about what I've been learning from some others who are wiser than me about this subject of joy.

First, I've been learning from a study on the fruit of the Spirit that joy is an action (not a feeling), just like love is. It is not a feeling that comes and goes, but an active decision to be joyful independent of circumstances. And, as long as I've know how hard that can be, I'm also finally really understanding that such joy is only possible through the Holy Spirit dwelling in me. No amount of positive thinking or slow breathing will bring me genuine joy. So, I've been praying a lot more than in the past for the Lord to fill me with His Spirit and to empty me of the sinful reactions of my own heart.

Second, recognizing that the Spirit is working in me, I can still work on my attitude during difficult situations. I can remember the true inspiration for joy- that Jesus Christ died for me and I am a new creation in Him. In the biggest picture of all, I am saved. My fate is sealed - in the most beautiful and sacrificial way - to be with God forever. In that big picture, these trials are the slightest breath of time.

Also, I can choose to be thankful. There is no shortage of reasons to thank God, if only I would stop and notice. One of the most obvious reasons to be thankful is the very people bringing me so much challenge: my kids. The two beautiful children God gave to me. Me. No one else. They are for me to raise; I am their mother. Having them brings a lot of messes (on every level- physical, emotional, spiritual), but life without them is poorer. A friend shared this proverb with me: "Where there are no oxen, the manger is empty, but from the strength of an ox comes an abundant harvest." Proverbs 14:4. Without the oxen, the manger will be sparkling clean and there will be less work. But without the oxen there is less fruit, less harvest, less growth. That's less growth for me, because I know God is using this time to refine me and bring me closer to Him. And that's less harvest in the two little people who will go out and contribute to others and bring glory to God.

And, to quote a book I love (and just read again recently), The Life of Pi: "At moments of wonder, it is easy to avoid small thinking, to entertain thoughts that span the universe, that capture both thunder and tinkle, thick and thin, the near and the far." My moment of wonder is that God saved me. So, let me avoid small thinking and entertain thoughts that span God's infinite grace and the smear of poo on the carpet.

Toddler Snacks

2009-09-24T13:47:00.001-07:00

I thought I would write down some more ideas for toddler food. This time, toddler snacks we couldn't live without. A lot of these are for toddlers on the older side; sorry, I'm forgetting what I used to feed Z. Also, I'm mostly writing down some things that perhaps aren't typical. I assume you all know snacks like fresh fruit or cheese and crackers. :)

> Freeze-dried fruit at Trader Joe's (TJ's). Blueberries, strawberries, banana, mango. They are a little expensive, but they're a great snack for when you're out and don't want to bring along messy fresh fruit. Z likes the blueberries in his yogurt.
> Apple Carrot Fruit Sauce Crushers (TJ's). Apple sauce with carrot in a portable foil juice-box type container with a screw-top. Z just likes to squeeze it and suck the stuff out. I'm not sure he really likes the contents all that much. But a good way to get some veggie in your kid.
> Peanut butter. Okay, maybe this is an obvious one. We love it on everything: crackers, bread, apples. Straight off the spoon. And for those who can't have peanut butter, try sunflower seed butter. It's pretty close to PB.
> String cheese, american cheese by the slice, cheese melted on veggies, beans, meat. Cheese makes everything better!
> Cereal for eating by hand: Kix (almost indestructable, but they do roll), Cheerios, Crispix, Chex
> Pretzels sticks- the big ones. I like the Rold Gold Honey Wheat ones or the Trader Joe's Honey Wheat ones. These are fun to dip in peanut butter and then "fish" for raisins.

For the bowel movement challenged (constipated):
> Ezekiel bread (we like the raisin cinnamon)- lots of fiber and yummy toasted with cream cheese
> Fiberful Ends & Pieces (Trader Joe's)- the leftover bits of fruit leather. Has a lot of sugar (fruit sugar), but lot's of fiber, too.
> Cinnamon Oat Bran Swirls (Trader Joe's)- I told Z they were cookies (really just a sweet-ish cereal). Again, for the fiber.
> Prunes. I was surprised Z ate them, but they are sweet and delicious!
> Miralax. When all else fails. Soluble, mild laxative that dissolves in anything and is tasteless. Consult your pediatrician first.

Again, I would love to hear ideas from other moms!

Toddler Food

2009-09-14T15:43:00.001-07:00

Even after getting through the introduction of solids, the challenges with food continue. There was a long time with Z (maybe a year?) when I could feed him almost anything. His biggest turn-off was always texture. If I could get the right texture or disguise it enough, he would eat it. I would cook and chop up kale and blend it into other things and he would eat it. Kale. Really. I also fed him plain yogurt with wheat germ and tahini mixed in for his lunch every day. Wow, those were the days! :)

I based Z's first year of food on the book Super Baby Food. There are a lot of things I really liked about this book, but let me say it is not for the faint of heart. If you are overwhelmed by solids, don't start here. If you feel like you want lots of information and want a PLAN for the nutrition of your child, pick it up. I found the book extremely helpful for coming up with ideas of what to try and when. It has a chapter for each month and charts that show the different kinds of food to give for a balanced diet (one leafy green veggie, one orange veggie, one citrus/vitamin C, etc.). It has an appendix listing fruits and vegetables and how to pick them, cook them, store them. It's premise is that you are making most of the food for your baby, but it has lots of helpful information besides that.

Much of the good nutrition Z had in his first couple years of life is due to Super Baby Food. I am a picky eater. It is hard to make your child eat stuff you would never eat. But having the lists of things to try and some good recipes in the back helped me overcome myself. The kale, tahini, wheat germ? Papaya, avocado, kiwi? I would have never thought to give those things to Z. Like I said, I'm a picky eater.

So, anyway, after conquering that first year or so, just when I started to feel good about myself because my kid ate kale (did I mention Z ate kale?), Z started to get more discriminating in his tastes. And there was no rhyme or reason to it that I could tell. One day pasta was the best thing ever. The next day he wouldn't even put pasta in his mouth. The cornucopia of vegetables dwindled to store-bought baby food peas. It started to be a real challenge just to figure out what to feed Z every day. And by this point he was wanting to feed himself, so I was looking for healthy finger foods also (it takes A LOT of puffs to fill up a toddler, dang it).

Then one day I found...

Gotcha. I have no answer. I found no book that solved it all. It was just trial and error. It took a lot of try and try again. I kept lists of snack ideas and, even if Z refused something once, I would try it again another time. So here are some tips on feeding a toddler:

1. Try & Try Again. Don't just offer something once. Try it several days in a row; then, if still no luck, try it in a week or so.
2. Get Them Excited to Eat With You. Give your child one thing they like and then have them try something new that you are eating. We made a big deal that Z was eating the same thing we were eating. Sometimes this worked.
3. Avoid a Battle of Wills. This was a big one for Z. If I showed a strong desire for him to try something his spidey senses would take over and his mouth would snap shut. If I nonchalantly offered something, he would try it and sometimes even keep eating it.
4. Keep them Hungry. Keep snacks between meals to a minimum. This is easier said than done. It was hard for me to not feed him when he said he wanted something. But it's amazing how a cracker here, some apple there can really add up. Of course he's not going to eat broccoli at dinner when he's really not that hungry to start with.
5. Limit Where (not just when) Snack are Eaten. One of the best rules I ever made for my own sanity was that snacks are only eaten at the dining table. Sometime when I was exhausted and pregnant I started to let Z eat in front of the TV. It's true what they say about mindless eating in front of the television. And besides that, the mess was infuriating. The last thing a pregnant woman wants to do is bend down to pick up munched cereal off the floor. Besides the mess, however, limiting where Z could eat snacks meant he was less interested in eating. If eating a snack meant he had to sit at the table, he managed to do without the snack.
6. Keep A List. I mentioned this above: keep a list of snacks and foods to try. Keep the list even of the things he didn't like. So many times I gave in to crackers for lack of inspiration. Having a list helped me keep a variety of things and cut down on the brainpower required at each meal. So, here is my list- perhaps it will help you. Remember to try the same thing presented differently: cooked carrot, raw carrot, carrot mixed with peas, etc.

SNACKS/FOODS to try for a toddler:
> tortilla with beans and cheese (like a quesadilla), beans and cheese with a tortilla on the side (the wheat ones are good), tortilla with turkey meat and cheese
> pasta (orzo is a good start, then move on to more interesting shapes like fusilli) with tomato sauce, ground turkey and zucchini (cut up very small so less detectable). Substitute other types of meat and veggies. Gnocchi was a big hit with Z. And I get the multigrain pasta (only Barilla is edible in my opinion).
> -balls: meat balls, sweet potato balls, pea balls, peanut butter balls. You can make just about anything into a fun finger food with a little bread crumb and egg white. The back of Super Baby Food has a lot of recipes for those.
> Toast with turkey and cheese (I had to chop up the turkey so that Z wouldn't peel the entire turkey layer off and eat just the cheese). Pita with turkey and cheese. English muffin with turkey and cheese.
> Healthy raisin bread (like the Ezekiel brand) with cream cheese
> Mashed potatoes with roasted or baked chicken and broccoli or peas. Mix it all together and they might just eat it all.
> Mild chili- black beans, corn, petite cut diced tomato, ground turkey. Make it very thick and hearty and it's easy for them to spoon in.
> Yogurt with stuff mixed in: fruit, wheat germ, tahini. Yogurt and wheat germ make a complete protein. Tahini is a great healthy fat.

I'll try to think of some more... but I actually lost my list. :) I would love to hear ideas from other Mom's too!

Tips for Starting Baby on Solids

2009-09-14T15:14:00.001-07:00

Harper is 7 months old now. I delayed starting her on solids because I just wasn't ready for one more thing to do. But then I noticed she was really breastfeeding vigorously and sometimes she didn't seem satisfied. Then, she started waking up more from naps and such, so I decided it was time. I started her about a week ago. The first few days were very slow going. She pushed her tongue out a lot and didn't really know what to do. I had to kind of shove the spoon into her mouth. Then, suddenly, on the third day, it just clicked. Pop! She opened her mouth like a little hungry birdy. (So cute!) I am shocked at how much she is eating already (probably around 2 tablespoons of dry rice cereal and then I add formula to make it a good semi-runny consistency).

I think it really helped make things easier by waiting until she was a little older. With Z, eager to follow what the books say, I started him on the day he turned six months old. He was a little slower in most developmental milestones (sitting up, crawling, etc.) so now I can see that if I had waited a little longer he might have caught on more quickly. He had more trouble with gagging; I had to get the consistency just right for him. So far, Harper has gagged only a couple of times when I made the cereal a little too thick.

Anyway, I thought I would use Harper's solids milestone as an opportunity to write down some of my tips for new Moms just starting baby on solids.

1. Breast, cereal, breast? Breast, wait an hour, cereal? I spent quite a bit of brain power on when I should feed Z his cereal. It seemed like every book said something different (as usual, right?). There are lots of good reasons to do it just about every possible way. I'll just share what I decided. For Z: For the first week or so, I fed him on one breast, then did cereal, then finished with other breast. I wanted to make sure he was hungry but not starving. After I was confident that he was interested in the cereal, I just fed him at the breast (both sides) then did the cereal. It was just a heck of a lot easier that way. Also, the breast milk or formula is the number one priority for babies, so I wanted to be sure he was getting enough of that. For Harper: I feed her as usual (both sides), then when I can get to it, I sit her down to eat her cereal. This is usually about forty-five minutes to an hour after she breastfeeds. I would rather get it a little closer to when I feed her, but that's breakfast or lunch time and I'm busy getting everyone else fed. I haven't noticed any decline in her appetite for the next feeding, so I'll stick with it for now. There is the potential that the baby will get used to eating more often rather than being able to eat enough to wait for the next feeding (for us, four hours later).

2. Do not view solids as a nutritional necessity. As soon as I started with the solids I started getting really anxious about Z getting enough and getting the right variety of things. Although solids do add all kinds of great nutrients to your child's diet, they really don't need it. A child can get everything they need from breastmilk or formula for the first year of life (isn't that amazing!?). Everything else is icing on the breast, er, cake. The solids do give them extra calories, so you will likely see a change in consumption of breastmilk/formula, however don't stress about how much of the solids they are eating. Follow the guidelines for how much they should be drinking of breastmilk or formula, and then give them solids to their heart's desire. Babies don't overeat. Really. They will stop when they are full; just be sure not to feed them so fast that they don't register their fullness soon enough. Be aware of their signs for "all done," such as turning away, closing their mouth, getting restless or whiney.

3. Do view solids as a developmental exercise.
Just think of all the things your baby is learning... sitting up at a table, opening her mouth for the spoon, mushing things in her mouth, swallowing (without sucking). That's just the physical stuff.... Then you can start to teach her table manners - no grabbing the bowl/spoon/bib, no throwing food, no tantrums, no rubbing food in hair. At first I taught Z those things just by guiding his hands and saying no. Eventually, when he was bigger and more insistent, I flicked his hands as a physical conditioning to go with the "no" that I'm saying. The hand thumps are a type of repetitive conditioning training (like you might do with a dog- I know, bad analogy, sorry). The child has to learn what you expect, but it is not a matter of right and wrong or disobedience. With all of these things your baby is learning, be patient with them!

4. Don't, I repeat, DON'T clean up until you're really done.
Get ready for a mess. All the training in the world won't stop your baby from smearing peas in her hair again. The most gigantic bib in the world won't prevent her from lifting the sweet potato sodden cloth and dumping it on her arms and the floor. Absolutely don't bother to really clean up until the spoon is retired from active duty. I still struggle with this. I obsessively clean up mid-meal and then get frustrated when there is more mess to clean. Don't do it! Save your wipes, your knees, your sanity. When baby is done, wipe her first (hands then mouth then hair, as the case may be), give her a toy and then, only then, proceed to the table and floor.

Two Kids One Room... Finally

2009-09-10T13:36:00.001-07:00

It's been a month since I started working on getting both kids into one room. We successfully worked through Harper's early morning wake-up and got rid of the pacifier and swaddle. Everything was "ready" except for me. I just kept delaying putting her in the kid's room for the night. I kind of wonder at what point I would have finally done it.... but circumstances intervened and our friends picked up the bassinet for their little one who is due very soon.

So, it has been about five nights with both kids sleeping in one room at night. Harper takes her naps in a portable crib in our room during the day. And then, after her 10:30pm feeding I just lay her down in the kids' room. Z is already asleep and he hasn't woken up from that yet.

I am so extremely thankful that Z is sleeping better at night now. I keep meaning to write about it, but it has been two or maybe three weeks of solid night-sleeping for him (with only a couple of exceptions). John offered to take over the wake-ups (which meant that I stayed in bed, adrenaline pumping from the abrupt wake-up, while he very leisurely, if at all, got up to take care of Z). I honestly think that John's delay in going to him is what helped. And John taking the responsibility, which meant I had to stay in bed, helped me not rush in as well. And perhaps Z also just got through the phase, I don't know. All I can say is that it has helped so much! I am SO thankful. Yet another example of how things change even when you think they never will. That phase was really rough and lasted almost a year!

With both kids in one room, the only problem really has been that Harper wakes up a little early still (6:45am) and plays and coos. She is not very loud, but it's enough at that time of the morning to wake Z up. A few times he has just remained awake and plays in his room and a couple times he went back to sleep. This morning he woke up really upset at 6am (I think because he had to pee) and when I put him back in bed he said he didn't want Harper in his room. I wanted to say- well, you're the one who woke her up! But that has been the biggest problem so far. I ended up feeding Harper early and putting her in the port-a-crib in our room. She is so sweet and just plays and barely makes any noise, but that was pretty much the end of my sleep. Really, though, it could be worse. (It could always be worse.)

At least when Z gets up early he still stays in his room. We've always had to reinforce the rule for Z to stay in his room in the morning until we come and get him. I am so glad we did. He still has to be reminded almost every day, but at least it is usually less of a fight. What a huge difference that 7-8am hour makes in my life! I feed Harper, pump, take a shower (sometimes), get breakfast ready. It takes me a while to wake up so that hour really helps.

Looking back on the last month or so, I realize how much we've accomplished. Here I am at the point of having both kids in one room, which was very high on my list of worries for having two kids. And it's fine! We worked hard to get to this point with the least amount of difficulty and we made it!

Poo-servering, Barely

2009-09-03T13:22:00.000-07:00

Day 7 of potty training. Yesterday was really hard and I seriously started contemplating giving up. I'm still telling Z when to go, so there were no potty accidents yesterday. Instead there was a total of, I kid you not, 10 poo accidents. All afternoon, he kept going a little in his underwear and then wasn't able to go on the toilet. Mess after mess after mess. Poo everywhere. On the toilet, on the kiddie toilet seat, on the floor on his shoes, on his foot, legs and hands. In the bathtub (twice). It is extremely difficult to be patient at a time like that. I tried really hard to stay calm but I didn't always succeed. I cried three or four times, but tried to hide it from Z. He found me anyway and said, "Okay, Mama." (I don't think he understood what I was crying about; he had already moved on.) By the fifth poo clean-up, John was home and I had put a pull-up on Z. I figured at least then I wouldn't have another pair of underwear to scrub.

After dinner I went out to a ladies thing and had a chance to talk to a few other moms about it. They gave me some great ideas like getting him a special book for reading on the potty just when he goes poo. And making the prize for number two something he really wants. And making Z help with the poo clean-up, at least putting his dirty underwear into the toilet to rinse. (This is supposed to really gross them out so they don't want an accident again. Z doesn't seem bothered about the poo all over. Really? Surely a loathing of your own feces is an inherent human trait?) Also, I got out the little potty for him and told him he could use it just for poo since it is much easier to get on and off and puts his legs in a more comfortable position. We'll see if he wants to use it.

So, when I got home last night, I felt a little more hopeful and had some more ideas to try. And then, (hope upon hope!) John gave me the update on the evening. Z did it! John also got to clean up poo five times, but Z finally went poo in the toilet! It turns out that he was constipated! Oh, man. I didn't think of that because it seemed like he had almost the opposite problem- lots of small soft poo's. So, Z was super proud of himself and told Papa that he gets dinosaur treats when he goes poo-poo. (This is past bedtime so Z had to wait until morning.) I think there is a different dynamic with Papa around. Maybe that will be John's job to help with the poo encouraging every night. Lucky him!

The next steps are just to keep working on Z knowing when he has to go himself. Today I started more indirect prompts and Z had an accident. I was actually kind of glad for the opportunity so he could learn. He's been going on autopilot for a while with me prompting him all the time. But I should report that we went to the grocery store this morning! When we passed the bathroom, I asked if he wanted to go. He was curious, of course, so he said he did want to go. And he actually did go in the toilet at the store. Again, a good learning opportunity, this time for both of us.

A friend last night told me to be patient and expect three weeks or so of really having to work on it (with the number two's). It's nice to have some rough idea in my head, because at my most tired and pessimistic, I was imagining him starting kindergarten and still unable to poo on the toilet. We're sticking with it. One day at a time, right? I plowed down the cleaning product aisle today and stocked up.

Potty Lifestyle Change

2009-08-31T14:54:00.000-07:00

I've realized that it's not really about Potty School but a Potty Change in Lifestyle. Sure, the potty school kicked things off, but the day-to-day is the real test. After my last post, when Z had a good morning, the rest of the day was nothing but accidents. I continued to prompt and prod in the indirect ways the book states and Z continued to perfect the art of distraction until a panicked "I have to potty" announced already wet pants. For these accidents John got to share the load of the "Positive Practice," which amounts to dragging Z, crying and screaming, from various points in the house to the toilet and moving his hands to pull his pants down and up. Needless to say, this is not fun for anyone.

At the end of the day, with the prospect of church and a trip to John's parents' house the next day, John and I had a very tough heart to heart. I was emotionally drained from the day; I felt defeated and disappointed. I talked John out of throwing out the entire approach and we decided to just slow things down a little. We decided to skip church to work on the training at home in the morning and then go to his parents for lunch. Since we would have to drive in the car, we told him to go potty before we left and again when we got there. He had no problem going either time. It was nice to be with family, who all made a big deal about Z going in the potty. He was really excited and proud of himself.

The rest of the day we would just prompt him to go when it seemed about time. He told me he had to go before and after his nap, so that was encouraging that he was starting to feel it before it was too late. That night, when we got home, I gave him his diploma and told him he graduated from Potty School. He was pretty excited. Overall, we are all feeling more relaxed about it. I have adjusted my expectations to let him gradually work on his independence. He has already learned a ton- pulling his pants up and down, going in the potty, wiping the seat, flushing, washing his hands after. It is a lot to learn. I'm going to be mindful of allowing him to do as much as possible on his own and I think he will pretty naturally start to do the whole thing on his own. My fear that I will be telling him to go to the potty a year from now is really unrealistic. He is very independent and as soon as he gets it, I'm sure he'll want to do it

Once again, when teaching my child, I really learned more about myself than anything else. I have to be realistic and optimistic about what Z can do. I need to let go of my predetermined goals and work at Z's pace. I need to look at learning as a process, not a job to just get done. And, (oh, when will I really learn?) I will not allow a book to dictate what I call success for my child.

Potty School - Day 2

2009-08-29T10:02:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was the longest day of my life composed of all my pet peeves as a Mom: trapped in the house all day (in 97-degree weather), confined to a small area, limited toys to play with, continual snack fixing and cleanup, lots of pee-pee and poo poo cleanup. Oh, and Z hopped up on sugary drinks and treats, bored and, at times, frustrated. Wow. Rough Day.

After a few good potties in the toilet early on, I jumped right to the last stage of training, where you no longer prompt the child to go to the potty. You simply continue to check their pants to see if they are dry every 15 minutes. Except I again jumped the gun and went to inspections every 45 minutes to an hour (the very last last step). Yeah, I guess I should have read the book (again) a little more closely. So after the initial success in the morning, the rest of the day was nothing but accidents. And our very first accident was a soft, smeary poo poo. Oh man. What a day.

That evening, after John got home, I had to run out on a quick errand (that couldn't be delayed). The entire time I'm re-thinking the strategy, thinking through what I wanted to change for day two, bummed at the apparent lack of success. Then, when I got home, I got the news that Z had gone to the toilet by himself and even for a number two! Holy cow. I thought all along that poos were going to be the last thing Z would get. When we tried earlier in the day, he fought me to even sit on the toilet (he goes pee standing up). I felt like crying with the relief and joy of it. Thankfully, John took a picture:

We put Z to bed with a pull-up and I thought through how we would continue day 2 of Potty School. I decided to make some changes. So this morning we started with the question prompt: "Z, do you need to use the potty?" and I kept up with the dry pants inspection every 15 minutes. I also decided he would only get sugary treats when he went potty in the toilet. I would give him salty snacks and drinks at the dry pants inspection to encourage more potty-ing. I also pulled out the big gun:
George. Why didn't I think of that yesterday? I told Z this morning that he would get to watch George as a reward when he went potty in the toilet. Bing! The lightbulb went on inside little Z's head!

He went potty the first time this morning after a pants inspection when I was telling him what he would get if he went potty in the toilet (candy and George). I then moved to just the dry pants question rather than any prompting. He went potty the second time by himself when I was checking his pants and I reminded him what he would get when he went potty in the toilet (candy and George). Now, for the next potty, he is going to get just the candy. I'll probably stick to candy the rest of today, with dry pants inspections less and less frequently. Then, tomorrow, I'll switch to dry pants inspections at set times of day (get up, before snacks, before we leave the house, before nap, etc.). I'll keep the candy as a motivator for more challenging circumstances like being at the store or outside perhaps. Then, that will phase out too.

Holy cow! What a difference from yesterday afternoon. I know there will be more accidents, and we still have to work on all of the steps (like leaving his underwear at his ankles rather than stepping out of them because then he needs my help to get them back on). But I'm so HUGELY encouraged that we are making progress!

Potty School

2009-08-27T13:22:00.001-07:00

It's been a year in the making...
Z is going to potty school tomorrow. No, this isn't a high-priced preschool for the toilet-challenged. It is a special day with just me and Z to focus on going potty in the potty. I've been working on the concepts of potty training for a while-- you know, a book here, comments there (Look at Papa go potty in the toilet!). But tomorrow is the day.

I'm using a book called "Toilet Training in Less Than a Day". The idea is that you spend an entire morning (or longer if needed) doing repeated practicing. You feed your child lots of treats and drinks to give them lots of opportunities to practice. It emphasizes building independence in the child so that the parent does not have to prompt the child to go potty. It's starts with a lot of hand holding and then, by the end of the training, they are initiating and doing it all themselves.

I decided to call it Potty School and I've been hyping it up to Z for a couple of weeks. He went with me to the store to pick out big boy underwear (he picked tighty-whitey's, I kid you not) and special snacks and treats. Harper will be with my Mom all day so that Z and I can focus entirely on potty training. I have a chart for checking for dry pants with glittery stars for each time he's dry. I even found a diploma and have told him when he learns everything he needs to learn he'll be graduating.

I'm really excited for this next big step for Z. He's getting so big!

Respite

2009-08-22T09:39:00.000-07:00

The rest of the week sans pacifier has gone pretty well. Thursday and Friday we were back to a busy schedule with more interrupted naps and such. Harper did really well with only one more really tough crying session. And she continues to do better in the morning waking up close to 7am. I am so thankful!!!

Now, taking a break from milestones and crying it out...

I am feeling better lately, which is such a relief after a few really hard weeks. I just re-read some of my blog entries from when Z was about 6 months and it reminded me how I didn't feel completely normal then either. I sort of forgot how much hormones and breastfeeding and being a Mom of an infant can really affect me physically and emotionally. Of course, the recent sleep interruptions from Z waking up in the middle of the night didn't help either. After a few big breakdowns when I finally told John how I was feeling, I felt much better. Amazing how just talking about it helps.

One of the results of those conversations with John was that I've been taking more time for myself lately. Since I've preached that gospel in the past, I'm surprised I've forgotten it, but here I am again. So I've been trying to get out without kids more often and schedule more time with friends. It has really helped. Harper is so easy-going that I convinced myself that time with just her was a break (as opposed to having both kids), but it's not the same. This is also true with date time with John; we thought if we go out with Harper it was like a date, but it's not. We really need time just the two of us. So we need to schedule that more often also.

John surprised me with a You-Survived-6-months present: a massage and day at the spa! This was a gift before I had breakdowns, but it is certainly timely. I'm going this Tuesday and John is taking the day off to watch the kids. I'm really excited. I'm hoping to take some time to reflect and give thanks. Six months is an accomplishment and there is so much to be thankful for.

Phase 2: No More Pacifier or Swaddle - Day 2 & 3

2009-08-18T18:35:00.000-07:00

Now that I have enough data points... Here is how the Crying It Out looks for Phase 2: No More Pacifier or Swaddle:

You can see the overall crying has gone down and the amount of heavy crying has gone down. Note also that the very first nap was the hardest crying session by far. Thank goodness I didn't give up! Harper is definitely learning how to soothe herself and put herself to sleep. Even at the end of the nap she is waking up and kind of playing rather than crying.

It's funny how I had all kinds of expectations about going through this and there have been a lot of surprises. For one thing, I was expecting the sleep to be hardest at the start of a nap and, instead, it has been harder at the 45-minute intruder point. Also, I didn't think Harper's cries would be that bad and she proved me wrong. When she has cried the "heavy crying," it was enough to make me doubt everything. I'm thankful she has had enough meltdowns previously that I recognized the crying and knew that it wasn't a matter of physical pain or something like that. Her meltdowns in the past have been when she was tired and there was a "stranger" (you know, anyone except Mom) situation to throw her over the edge. Anyway, if she had been 100% angel baby (the kind that doesn't exist, i.e., never cries), this crying would have been very alarming.

So it has gotten better and I think we're almost through it. I can already see improvements in her sleeping since she has not woken up early two days in a row. That's a HUGE victory! (By the way, Z has also slept straight through two nights in a row and I'm starting to feel like a normal person.) I am so encouraged to see progress and growth.

Phase 2: No More Pacifier or Swaddle - Day 1

2009-08-17T09:12:00.000-07:00

Some survival rules for this week:
> Keep busy during crying (Incidentally, this is much easier to do with two kids.)
> Get out of the house and have a little fun when both kids are awake (Today we went to the park and had a picnic lunch.)
> Use Curious George (on TV) when I need it
> Don't worry about making dinner every night, or other household chores that can wait
> Keep nap times consistent and give her the opportunity for a good nap, meaning I'm not going to expect her to fall asleep in the grocery cart and then transfer easily to bed. I'm trying to set her (and me) up for the most likelihood of success.

Today's results:
Overall, starting out was tough, but it got a little easier. Every nap that passes I just keep thinking I'm one step closer. Here are the details. For those who prefer the big picture, you can wait for the summary in a few days complete with metrics on Harper's progress. :)

1st nap: 6 minutes of crying and then some small whimpers. She busted right out of the blanket and when John peeked at her he said she seemed to be enjoying the freedom. Then we hit the 45-minute intruder. Harper cried a little from 9:30-9:45am and then she cried A LOT from 9:45-1035am. I went outside with Z and we vacuumed out the inside of my car. And it was still really, really hard. This was the kind of crying where she reaches the end of her register. Somewhere around 10:15 or so, I caved a little and went in and reswaddled her. Not sure if that helped or not.... Total crying: 1 hour, 5 minutes

2nd nap: A good start again. Harper went to sleep after 20 minutes of intermittent minor crying and fussing. But, oh boy, that *&^%*& 45-minute intruder. She woke up at 2:30pm and cried a little off and on until 2:37pm and then the crying got more frantic. About ten minutes of that and then the crying got worse: full register, not stopping much. But that lasted only 4 minutes or so. Total crying: 25 minutes

With 1st and 2nd nap, once she fell asleep again after the 45-minute intruder, I let her sleep past her normal time so she could get 45 minutes of sleep. Harper's second nap is during Z's nap, so I was afraid he would wake up early, but he didn't! Yeah!

3rd nap: Maybe ten minutes of minor crying and then she slept. No 45-minute intruder, praise the Lord.
Down for the night: Fussing on and off for 20 minutes or so.

Phase 2: No More Pacifier or Swaddle

2009-08-16T20:42:00.000-07:00

It's been two weeks since I initiated Phase 1 (Stop Early Wake-Up) in my plan for getting the kids in one bedroom. Overall, things are much better and Harper isn't waking up (most days) at 5:30am. She is still waking up around 6:30am, so I have to keep working on that.

I've decided it's time to proceed to Phase 2: No More Pacifier or Swaddle. I've noticed more mid-nap wake-ups recently and I can see we're heading down the path of pacifier sleep disruption. I just re-read my posts from 2007 when I went through the same thing with Z and it helped strengthen my resolve. It also reminded me of how Z's cries were so much worse than Harper's are. It's never easy to hear your baby cry, but Z could have made a Nazi grimace. Seriously, I mean, someone called the cops on him, all right? I rest my case.

Anyway, I've been debating whether to go gradually with Harper or just cut it all out cold turkey. As for the pacifier, I'm going to stop cold turkey. It really is like an addiction where if I let myself use it even a little (just one drink), I can't stop there. However, for the swaddle, I've already started phasing it out by wrapping her more loosely and then using a stretchier blanket for an even easier swaddle. There have been a handful of naps where she got one or two arms out and did fine. So, starting tomorrow morning, I'm going to wrap her hands up by her chin as usual, but not tuck in the blanket around her torso. I'll see how that goes for a day, I think. If the pacifier withdrawal is really bad, I may step back to the very loose swaddle. I'm more concerned about getting rid of the pacifier than the swaddle for now. We'll see how it goes. Stay tuned. For the geeks out there, there is a high probability of charts being posted. (ooh....charts...)

Harper Joy - 6 months

2009-08-12T20:27:00.000-07:00

Harper is six months old! I can't believe it. I feel like these six months went a lot faster than the first six with Z. Perhaps having two kids will do that- make time go even quicker (although every day between 4 and 8pm I think they slow time down. hmm.).

Since all I've been doing is talking about Harper's early wake-up problem, this is a good time to revel in the delight of my little girl. She has continued to amaze me with her good-natured mellowness. She is still so easy to please: a small whine says she wants a change in scenery, a small cry means she wants to go to sleep. She's a great eater and hardly ever spits up (which after Z is a HUGE blessing for me). She sleeps really well (except for early morning problem, but we all know that, right?) and through almost anything (read: Z's tantrums).

Harper is super resilient and even when she misses a big chunk of her nap she still holds up pretty well. Besides five major meltdowns (the signs for which I have now narrowed down so I can avoid them in the future) she doesn't cry a lot. She has been flipped over twice in her infant seat and I found her hanging upside down with just her head on the floor and she barely cried. She is going to be tough with big brother Z around. :)

She loves to put her fingers in her mouth, especially backwards (holding her hand palm away from her and bending her fingers back into her mouth!). She laughs for her brother and her Obaachan (John's Mom) more than anyone. When she is lying in bed before going to sleep she'll kick her heels down into the bed or prop them up on the side of the bassinet. She likes to have her legs up a lot and wiggles around until she finds a spot to prop them up. She just got her depth perception and likes to look at her hands like she just discovered them again and they are blowing her mind.

We love you so much, Harper Joy.

Phase 1: Stop Early Wake-Up- Report 5

2009-08-12T20:17:00.000-07:00

Oh boy, are you as sick of this as I am? This is going to be my last report on Phase 1.

Day 9: Harper woke up at 5:20am, cried until 6:45am and then fell asleep. I let her sleep until 7:30am and then got her up. Despite the very long session of crying off and on, I felt encouraged that she did fall asleep again. I think that shows progress that she was able to soothe herself back to a solid sleep.
Day 10: Harper woke up at 6:45am and cried pretty good. I held out for 7 minutes or so and then fed her. (Funny how I can go over an hour one day and then not make it even ten minutes another day. I think it was because she was SO close.)

As with a lot of things with kids and their development and training, there is a lot of two steps forward and one step back. I think we're making progress, but I don't think it's going to just be done. We'll probably struggle with this for a while longer and then I'll realize one day that I can't remember the last time she woke up early. I'm going to wait a few more days and then start with Phase 2. I'll be posting on a few other topics in the meantime to lighten things up a bit.

Phase 1: Stop Early Wake-Up- Report 4

2009-08-10T14:53:00.001-07:00

Day 7: A breakthrough? Harper didn't wake up until 6:30am and cried off and on until 7am. I got in the shower so that helped the time go by quickly.
Day 8: Another pretty good morning. She didn't wake up until 6:20am. She only made a little bit of noise until 6:45am and then she really started going. I got up and fed her at 7am and saw that she had pulled down the sheet I cover the bassinet with.

Besides this early morning training, I think Harper did just hit a growth spurt. There were a few days where it seemed she just didn't want to stop eating even when the milk was gone. And then on Sunday morning it was like, pop, her cheeks just got chubbier. I kid you not. Crazy how that happens. I think it's pretty much over now, so maybe we'll make it to our 7am start time soon.

Phase 1: Stop Early Wake-Up - Report 3

2009-08-08T09:02:00.000-07:00

Day 5: Back to 5:30am wake-up. Bummer. Off and on crying until 6am, quiet for 15 minutes then awake again with more persistent crying. Got up and fed her at that point.
Day 6: 5:40am wake-up. Playing and light crying until 6am. Off and on crying until 6:45am. Small coos and talking until 7am.

This morning I used my iPod and listened to hymns with the pillow over my head. It was at least more relaxing if not restful (as in sleeping). Z woke up this morning when Harper was crying and said, "Mama, help Harper!" I put him back in bed and reassured him that everything was okay. I'm thankful this is the first time he has woken up with her crying. One good thing about this morning (Day 6) is that I can see how her crying off and on really shows that she is fine. She is not starving; she just wants to get up because she is used to waking up then. By 7am, when she was practically playing in her bed, I felt even better about sticking it out. When I finally got her up she was all smiles and charm. She is fine. Fine. Fine.

I have renewed my commitment to stick with it. I talked to my Baby Wise Guru (BWG) and she confirmed my decisions, including adding a feeding at night. She said five feedings is a good spot to stay on at this age if I want to continue breastfeeding. Switching to four hours and starting solids both can diminish milk supply. I remember that happening a little with Z, so I'll keep the five feedings and stay watchful to make sure the well doesn't run dry (so to speak). She also thought that 9-10 hours was a reasonable stretch at night for an exclusively breastfed baby. BabyWise kind of talks about that but isn't that clear, so I appreciated that feedback from an experienced mom. Once I start her on solids I can probably expect her to go a little longer.

Another suggestion BWG gave me was to really relax the swaddle so that Harper can get her hands to her mouth. I had been waiting on getting rid of the swaddle, but thought that she would be able to get her hands in the blanket to her mouth anyway. The first 3-4 days of Crying It Out, I swaddled her in a way that the more she pulled the blanket actually tightened so that she couldn't get her hands up. Last night I did only use one blanket and she could easily get her hands to her mouth. I think that helped her sooth herself which is why there was more talking and cooing than crying this morning.

Also, BWG brought up a good point that I shouldn't feed her at 6:30am unless I want that to be the wake-up time. I agree. If I'm going to go through this then I want to get to my true goal at the end of it. BWG said this is one of the hardest habits to break- the early morning wake-up - but that it would be worth it. The wake-up time has a way of getting engrained in the child so they continue with it even through the toddler years. Having started Z at 8am and seeing how now it's drifted to 7/7:30am, I'm all the more resolved to keep Harper to 7am. Something about waking up in the 6 am hour is really hard for me psychologically. (I could never be a teacher!)

I am pleased that we've made it this far without the pacifier in the morning. I can sense the end coming near. Just praying God will renew my strength. I'm a person who needs eight hours of sleep. Getting six or seven hours with a few Z interruptions at night is really draining me.

22 Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
24 I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him."

Lamentations 3:22-24

Phase 1: Stop Early Wake-Up - Report 2

2009-08-06T08:44:00.000-07:00

Day 4: Harper didn't wake up until 6am! That's a good improvement. She kind of played and talked to herself for 15 minutes (also a good improvement) and then started to cry off and on. Her crying got loud and persistent at 6:25am, so I waited five more minutes and then got up and fed her. I didn't wait as long as the other days because I was just happy to see some improvement. I think my goal for now will be to get her to at least 6:30am consistently. Then I can slowly work on moving that to 7am. 6:30am is a heck of a lot better than 5am.

I'm just encouraged that there was some change. I didn't feed her until kind of late last night (around 10:30am), so that makes me wonder again if it's just hunger. Then I start to wonder if we're in a growth spurt. She is just about to hit the 6-month mark. I'm going to stick with it for now and see how we're doing in a week.

On another encouraging note, Z has slept through the night without waking up twice in a row. I made a really big deal of what a good job he did and gave him a Curious George sticker (his special reward for very good behavior). I've been emphasizing how important sleep is and that it makes him grow big and strong. (I also tell him that it makes Mama very happy.) I'm extremely thankful for this glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.

O satisfy us in the morning with Your lovingkindness,
That we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.
Psalm 90:14

Phase 1: Stop Early Wake-Up - Report

2009-08-05T11:56:00.000-07:00

Boy, this is a rough one.
Day 1: Harper cried an hour and 5 minutes
Day 2: She woke up even earlier than the day before and cried for an hour and ten minutes and then I decided to feed her.
Day 3 (this morning): She woke up at 5:22am and cried for about 52 minutes and then was quiet for 15 minutes and then awake again. I fed her at that point which was around 6:30am.

Last night, I even gave her an extra feeding at 9:30pm because her feeding before that was at 6:45pm. Since she's waking up early, it's hard to get her back to the 7pm feeding. She goes 4 hours between each feeding, but I can't push her much past 7pm. I was letting her go longer when she would so that her last feeding of the night would be as late as possible. I have now decided to stick to four hours and then add one more feeding around 9pm or so to help with the early mornings. This makes it less stressful during the day since I don't have to push her longer at each feeding. I was feeling like the early wake-ups were just perpetuating the early wake-ups.

It felt a little like a step backward to feed her the dream feed again, but I know it's the right thing to do for now. I remember now that Z was almost 7 months when I dropped the dream feed with him but he had already been doing the 4 hour schedule. He was also already eating solids by that point. I did it in a different order for Harper, dropping the dream feed and then switching to four hours. This is the first time she has had the four hour schedule and the dream feed, so we'll see how it goes.

This whole thing reminds me how important it is to really listen to your baby and not get too caught up in "the right" way to do things. Giving her the extra feeding will set her up for success with the early morning wake-up. So, I'll keep plugging away with the crying in the morning. It will be worth it. It will be worth it.

P.S. As a relevant side-note, lest you imagine I'm handling this all with confidence and courage, I've cried every day this week. Lots. I'm really missing the sleep and feeling overwhelmed (not just with this but with other stuff too). Just want to keep the honesty in Routine Honesty. Being a Mom is hard (understatement of the year).

Working Toward One Bedroom

2009-08-03T16:21:00.000-07:00

Harper is a couple inches away from outgrowing the bassinet. So, I have a few more weeks to work on some things before I put her in the same room with Z. I figure it's better to do some Crying It Out situations BEFORE they sleep in the same bedroom.

1. Early Wake-Up
Harper sleeps great at night but is still waking up early - around 5:30am. I give her the pacifier and she goes back to sleep and then I usually have to give it to her one more time around 6/6:15am to make it close to her 7am wake-up time. She does this whether her last feeding of the night is 9:30pm or 7:30pm, so I'm pretty confident it isn't a hunger issue but just a waking up habit. I decided I need to break the habit of pacifying her since I don't want to be going into the kids' room at that time when Z is likely to wake up and because I don't want to keep waking up that early every day.

2. Pacifier
I swore I wouldn't keep the pacifier going as long as I did with Z, but here I am close to 6 months still using it. Harper is no where as near addiction as Z was, but I still depend on it for most naps to help her settle down quickly. I definitely want to get rid of using it in the next month or so. I think it just gets harder the longer you wait.

3. Swaddle
I also want to stop using the swaddle around the 6 month mark. Harper has good control of her arms and hands and is always putting her fingers in her mouth. I think she will figure out how to suck on her fingers to calm herself.

Phase 1- Stop Early Wake-Up:
So, the plan is to work on Early Wake-Up first. I'm going to keep the swaddle at night for now, but I won't use the pacifier. I have never used the pacifier when she went down for the night because of what happened with Z. He got so used to going to sleep with the pacifier that he would partially wake up when he didn't have it. So, I just have to stop giving her the pacifier when she wakes up early. Ha. Just. This involves some Crying It Out. No Mom likes that. I started this morning. I didn't really have a plan exactly about how long I was going to let her go for or anything. I just decided to plunge into it. She cried for an hour and five minutes and then slept for another 15 and then I fed her a little early at 6:45am. It was rough. Thankfully, the men in the house, yet again, are not affected by Harper's crying and they didn't wake up. I kept my cell phone in bed to check the time, put my earplugs in and kept a pillow over my head. This helped to the extent that the cries didn't sear through my gut, however, not enough to allow me to sleep. I talked myself through it by thinking, "Well, I already went 15 minutes, I might as well go for another 15." And so on and so on. I just didn't want to lose the ground I already conquered. I'm really hoping it's better tomorrow morning, but now I can say, I did an hour one day already, I can't stop now!

Phase 2- No More Pacifier or Swaddle:
The next step will be to work on stopping the pacifier and the swaddle. I'm going to do those together since Harper will hopefully start to use her fingers when she isn't swaddled. Also, if I'm going to listen to crying, I might as well kill a couple birds with one stone. Why not kill the Early Wake-Up bird also? Three reasons. One, I think once we break the habit of that wake-up time, she'll be able to make it through regardless of no swaddling later. Two, keeping the swaddle while breaking the habit will make breaking the habit a little easier. Three, I can't handle early morning crying AND crying for most naps at the same time. I'm hoping we can tackle the early morning crying and then I'll get more sleep to better handle the crying for naps.

Here we go.

Saturday

2009-08-01T09:11:00.000-07:00

Why are Saturdays so hard? How long before I give up the ideal of the weekend? Children don't know it's the weekend. They don't know you used to sleep in on a Saturday. You used to do something fun on a Saturday. A Saturday used to feel like a break.
Complaining over. Off I go with our Saturday-not-a-Saturday-day.

Congrajuashons

2009-07-30T14:54:00.001-07:00

Today was Z's very last day of speech therapy play group. He graduated!! They do a re-evaluation after 5-6 months to see if the child needs to continue and he didn't! I am so thrilled at his ENORMOUS progress in speaking. I think back to where we were when we started and I'm blown away at how quickly he has learned so much. When we started he said a handful of two-word phrases and a few three-word phrases. Now, he is talking in full sentences all the time. He uses prepositions! He repeats things he hears (including an especially hilarious- "darn"). He "reads" books to himself. He is a full-blown talking toddler!

So in honor of Z's speaking Skeels, I'll just relate some of the more humorous things he has said.

> Drumming his fingers on his chin, as if stroking a beard: "Me finking sumping, Mama"
> Moon popped out, Mama!
> After I tell him one more minute before an activity ends, he says: "Mama, clock says five more minutes!"
> Me: "Are you finished (with a snack)?" Z: "Nope, steel eat-ing!"
> Five, Four, Free, Two, One....poockkk-chhh (Rocket taking off)
> Me: "Time for dinner! Come sit down." Z: "Me workeen sumping, Mama."

Congratulations, Z. I am so very proud of you.

Here's Z with a celebratory donut at Chit Chat Group today. He takes his pink icing seriously.

Next Step. Check.

2009-07-23T20:40:00.001-07:00

I mentioned previously that the switch to a four hour feeding schedule was the next step for Harper. Unlike what I did with Z, I decided to drop the dream feed first with good result. Here we are only a few weeks later and I could tell Harper was getting close to the next step. My combination 3 1/2 to 4 hour schedule started to get more compacted toward the end of the day. I was having a hard time fitting in that last 8:30pm feeding because Harper was going longer and longer. Also, the 5:30pm feeding started to feel a little light- like she wasn't really that hungry; and that was when I was squeezing feedings a little closer together to fit them all in.

So here's a big difference between Babywise child number 1 and child number 2. With Z, I plotted and planned for weeks before switching his routine. I very carefully picked a mellow time when we would be home a lot to do it and prepared myself for the worst (lots of screaming). I was figuring I would do the same with Harper, but then yesterday I just decided to let her sleep and see if she made it. Worse case scenario was I would feed her a little late at the end of the day- maybe 9:30 or 10pm.

Just like that, Harper switched to four hours. We've had three days and two nights now and it's been going really well. The first night Harper woke up a little, but probably about what she usually does. I think I was just extra alert expecting something. She has even done well with a busy day and several naps in her car seat. I keep her up a little longer (closer to two hours) and she seems to go down to sleep a little easier because of it. She also sleeps harder and I haven't had a problem with her waking up early. And, when she eats, she eats really well. Yeah!

It's nice to feel more easy-going and confident about these transitions this time around. Seeing the big picture of where we're headed, and knowing that one nap, one feeding, one day wasn't going to ruin everything makes things easier. I should state, for the record, that Z changed to a four hour feeding schedule without any problems. It was really me who was full of anxiety about it. So, my lesson for today is that sometimes change is easy and maybe I shouldn't always expect the worst.

Un. Real.

2009-07-22T17:23:00.000-07:00

I put a sign on my door today during nap time: "Do not ring doorbell. Baby sleeping." This is more for me and Z than for Harper, but you know...
Anyway, two young women salespeople stopped by and knocked. LOUDLY. I cringed in my chair while feeding Harper and waited for Z to wake up (he didn't, praise the Lord). Then, apparently in retribution for me not answering the door, they rang the doorbell and hurried off giggling.
If I didn't have an infant attached to my boob, I swear I would have run down the street yelling at them.

Okay, I have anger issues.

Summer Fun

2009-07-21T15:05:00.000-07:00

A few pictures to show the summer has been more than meltdowns in public places.

Discipline in Difficult Situations

2009-07-15T15:21:00.000-07:00

Today Z and Harper and I met Auntie J and her little boy at Disneyland. We got passes. I know. I never thought I would...but here I am going to Disneyland in the summer heat. I could only do it with a good friend for help and support.

John and I had thought through discipline with Z at Disneyland. Z has to ride in a stroller for some of it and stay with us at all times. This can be very challenging in the most typical and subdued locales, let alone a stimulus stampede of a place like Disneyland. So, we spent a lot of time explaining expectations with Z and even did a trial run where we planned on leaving if Z behaved badly- like a throw-away trip for teaching purposes. Naturally on that trip, Z behaved very well.

So today I had my first "opportunity" to discipline Z at Disneyland. Let me just say that this is pretty much my worst nightmare for going places with Z. We were waiting in line on our very first ride and I had a snack for Z. He wanted to hold the bag of snacks and I said no because I didn't want cereal spilling everywhere. He got very upset about it and started to throw a tantrum. I should have seen a big meltdown possibility because he was pretty overwhelmed by everything. I wouldn't have chosen to have the battle over such a small thing if I knew it was going to be such an issue. Oh well... once I said no, I didn't want to give in to the tantrum. So, the tantrum turned into a meltdown with me dragging Z by the arm to keep him moving in line while I have Harper strapped to my chest in a carrier. Night. Mare.

I felt trapped not knowing whether to, or how to, exit the line. I bent over and spanked Z telling him his behavior was unacceptable. In retrospect, I can see how my spanking him was really aiming for behavior modification, not heart modification. I just wanted him to stop throwing a fit. I usually don't spank him in public because a) I want to respect his privacy and dignity as a person, and b) spanking is not everyone's idea of discipline and I don't need Child Services called on us. So, I can see how the spanking actually made things worse because Z really gets stubborn and angry when I discipline him in anger or without our usual protocol (explaining what he did wrong, telling him how many spankings, asking him to say sorry, hug and me telling him I forgive him).

So, after a few more minutes of tantrum and dragging by the arm, we finally make it to the front of the line and I can see an exit. I pick Z up (awkwardly because Harper is still strapped to me and crying herself by this point) and almost push people out of my way to get out of the line. We found a bench and I told Z he was on time-out. He sat there and calmed down while I also sat there and cooled off (while feeding Harper). After five minutes or so, I was able to calmly explain to him what he did wrong and ask him to say sorry. Now that the power struggle and chaotic surroundings were gone, and we were both calm, he very quickly said, "sorry, Mama frowing tatrum."

Boy. Big learning experience. There are no shortcuts to discipline. Always know where the exits are. Pick your battles. And teaching my child to obey and respect me must always come before whatever else is going on- from grocery shopping to, yes, even a fun ride at Disneyland.

Evolution of A Room

2009-07-08T15:00:00.000-07:00

How do you fit two kids in one room? Can you have two kids in a two bedroom house? Am I going to go crazy?
Storage. Yes. Not sure yet.

So far those are the answers to those questions I had when we first knew we would be having two kids. I obsessed about organization and storage in the early months of pregnancy and found some fine solutions for fitting extra storage into one room. This weekend, we finally finished setting up for Harper to share a room with Z. She has not yet slept in the bed yet but at least we're ready for it (physically, not necessarily mentally).

Here's how the transition went. We moved the big bookcase (filled with John and my books) into our bedroom and moved a little bookcase into the kids room. This will give extra space for the kids' books and toys. Getting the toys and crates off of the floor made room for Harper's crib.

Old Room (Z only)

New Room (Z and Harper)

Extra Storage
Storage, storage, storage. This is key.

I added a door-hanging organizer on the back of the door to contain all of those little toys and stuffed animals. I also added organizers in the closet for socks, shoes, hats, etc. The crates below in the closet are for clothes, books and toys (I hide some away in here to keep the clutter down and have some "new" toys to cycle through). One of the hardest things to manage is all of the baby clothes. Especially in the first year, the amount of clothes babies go through is phenomenal. About every 2-3 months, I try to sort through Harper's clothes and put the outgrown ones away and pull the new clothes out. That's what those gift bags (outgrown) and one of the crates (new) contain. I have a gift bag ready to go somewhere (giveaway or hand-me-down) and I just fill it up until it's full, then pass it along.

The next step is to have Harper actually sleep in the room with Z. Z is SO excited about it, but I'm waiting as long as I can. You can be sure I'll be posting when we make that change. :)

Dropping a Feeding

2009-07-03T22:36:00.001-07:00

After waiting a while to see if Harper was ready to go to a four hour schedule, I decided to drop her "dream feed" first while also lengthening the time between feedings. She did start to go a little longer in the morning (perhaps a dark sheet I drape over the bassinet helped a little?) and I figured I would just try moving the dream feed back a little at a time and see if it affected her morning wake-up at all. I moved her feeding from 10:30pm back to 10 and then 9:30 and then 9pm. It really didn't change the time she woke up in the morning, so I figured she was ready. So, here it is:

Previous Schedule	Current Schedule (at 4 1/2 months)
7am	7am -breastfeed & pump extra for her evening bottle
10am	10:30am
1pm	2/2:30pm
4pm	5:30pm -she sleeps well at this time but I didn't want to feed her at 6pm when I'm trying to get dinner ready
7pm- bottle;8:30-pump	8:30pm- bottle
10pm	9pm- pump

Part of what pushed me to switch was that I found it was getting harder and harder to squeeze in that sixth feeding. She continues to stay awake for an hour and a half, sometimes a little more. So, over the day, each feeding would get pushed a little later until I was feeding her the bottle at 7:30pm or even 8pm and then again only a couple hours later. I was staying up too late to try to make time between those last two feedings. Also, I didn't think Harper could make it four hours between every feeding and, for convenience, I didn't want feedings to fall at certain times. So, this is where I landed.

The downside of the new schedule is a much smaller window of opportunity for my own nap. Sigh. It was bound to happen. If I'm lucky I can still squeak in a 15-30 minute nap if Z goes down early and Harper doesn't wake up right at 2pm. Oh well, all the more reason for me to go to bed early...like now.

When You Need A Laugh

2009-06-29T10:52:00.001-07:00

Find the nearest hat (the dorkier the better) and put it on your infant.

Ah....I laughed and laughed....

Bedtime Confessions Part Two

2009-06-19T07:25:00.000-07:00

It has been almost two weeks since we started our new approach to putting Z to bed. It has continued to have good results. Out of the seven or so days past the first three hard days, he is mostly getting out of bed just once. We are sticking to the rule of putting him back in bed with no tuck-in and it's been working. There were a couple nights where he put up a big fight and cried when we did (actually when John did it because Z cried that he wanted Mama to do it), but he also has done a couple of nights where he didn't get out of bed at all. Since I have been on my own two of the most recent nights, I am incredibly thankful that we have finally had a breakthrough on this. Bedtime feels manageable again, even with two kids and even if I'm by myself.

An interesting side effect has been that for the most part, Z has been sleeping better in the middle of the night also. He is waking up less and hasn't gotten as worked up when he does. I'm speaking generally, however, since last night was the worst in a while: he woke up about five times in the space of an hour and a half. By the fifth time, I was ready to explode (I admit I can get irrationally angry when I get woken up at night). I woke John up to handle it, partly because I thought Papa going in would settle Z down for good because he really wants Mama to keep coming in, and partly because I needed someone else to feel the pain, and partly so I wouldn't get even more angry. (Which I'm ashamed to think about in the clear light of morning when I can't imagine why I was so angry about it.)

Papa going in after Z had been getting increasingly worked up just threw him over the edge. Full on tantrum. At 1 am. Then the tantrum turned into disobedience (No, Papa!) and John had to discipline him. Man, it was brutal just listening to it, so I can't imagine doing it. Yet another way I would be lost without John. His patience and steadfastness continue to amaze me.

We are really hoping to get the bedtime and sleep at night more manageable because Harper will be moving into Z's room - now "the kids' room" - soon. I'm using every week I can in the bassinet, but before too long they'll be in the same room. I'm hoping we'll have some time to adjust to that and then we'll probably be potty training Z so then we'll have to start adjusting again. But one step at a time...

Siblings

2009-06-15T15:30:00.000-07:00

Z and Harper - both at four months.

Harper Four Months

2009-06-13T07:32:00.000-07:00

She continues to be my angel baby. Harper started laughing a couple weeks ago and this week she started really babbling with all kinds of sounds. When she eats she runs her hand and arm in a circle around the side of her face- from the top of her head, back behind her ear and then up her cheek and across her eyes. She has a nice amount of chub on her legs and a little on her arms. She has those little dimples along the knuckles of her hand.

We love you, Harper!

Bedtime Confessions

2009-06-12T09:18:00.000-07:00

Ever since the beginning of the year Z has had trouble sleeping: going to bed at night, staying in bed at night, waking up during naps. It started before we switched to a toddler bed. In fact, it motivated us to switch to a toddler bed because I couldn't easily get Z back in bed, especially when I was 9 months pregnant. It started around the time when a dog barking woke him up and startled him. It took weeks to talk him down from that ledge. Every night he would talk about doggies barking and we started to cater to it and would check the door was locked, and turn on a fan. We even bought an air purifier (for white noise) and even started playing music. Eventually, I started to get worried about all of these props we were giving him for sleeping. We tried to emphasize what Z should do if he heard dogs barking (say: Hush, silly doggies!). Eventually the doggy fear fell by the wayside, but the waking up in the middle of the night didn't.

At first I chalked it up to the upcoming and then current change of having a new baby at home. When Harper started sleeping through the night and Z did also, I thought perhaps the baby had been disrupting his sleep. But it just keeps happening. Z wakes up in the middle of the night from one to three times. He cries and calls for Mama. Sometimes he gets out of bed and comes into our room. We put him back in bed, tuck his blanket in and he usually settles down again quickly. It's hard to know if he is legitimately upset or just fussy because he woke up and wants us to help him go back to sleep. In the middle of the night, we try to just get him in bed and tuck him in; no talking or extended interaction.

And it's happening during his naps, also. He'll wake up crying and upset and sometimes this goes into a full tantrum. At first I tried the middle of the night routine, but recently I've started to treat it more as a discipline issue. I tell him he needs to calm himself down and not throw a tantrum. If he doesn't want to get back in bed, I tell him he can do a time-out instead. So far, he picks bed. I also tell him he can't get up from a nap if he's grumpy. If he's whiny and wants up, I tell him to rest until he is happy, not grumpy. This has prompted him to declare, "Mama, Me happy!" when he gets up in the morning. (pretty cute!) These tactics have helped, but none of them "solved" the problem. Everyone tells me this is a phase and that it will get better. Z always has had trouble with the 45-minute intruder.

Besides the waking up from sleep, Z also started really putting up a fight going to bed at night. Now I realize how good we've had it for over a year, when the norm was to do the bedtime routine, leave and that was it. For six months or so, we've had to put him back in bed multiple times (crib and toddler bed). Just recently (maybe the last two months), it got a lot worse. We would spend about thirty minutes after putting him in bed putting him back in bed. We tried many tactics to motivate him to stay in bed: quality time before bed (see this post), rewards (George sticker and a treat), discipline (time out and spanking), repetition (putting him back over and over). Honestly, where we failed was to pick one method and stick with it. Between John and I and depending on the night, how we handled him getting out of bed varied a lot.

So, we (well, John really) finally decided it was time to stop. John started the Super Nanny approach of putting him back in bed without discussion. The difference was that now we told him we were not going to tuck him in. The "tuck" is a big motivator for Z. He loves getting tucked in and started to depend on it (or at least expect it) no matter how many times he got out of bed. Starting Monday, Z only got one tuck in. When he got out of bed, John put him back. Out. Back. Out Back. Out. BackOutBackOutBackOutBack...
Night One: 60 minutes pretty much continuous. A good portion of this was crying and screaming. If I had to guess, John (mostly) and I (a little) put him back in bed around 40 times.
Night Two: 60 minutes of putting him back over a 90 minute period. The rest of the time he played quietly. We didn't check up on him to see if he was in bed. I guess for now we are just waiting to see if he comes out of the bedroom.
Night Three: a little less than 60 minutes, but not as much hysteria. More time in between playing in his room.
Night Four (last night): 5 minutes. He got out of bed once. ONCE! Hallelujah!

During this whole thing we questioned our approach, we almost caved, I wanted to cry, John missed the ending a Laker game, I didn't get to eat cookies, and there was a questionable incident of an "accidental" tuck-in (it was purely accidental, I promise!). There's no way I could have done it alone. John has way more endurance and is not easily swayed by the emotion of it all. Although I'm not going to call the battle over just yet, at least we can see improvement. I'm sure it will come and go, as everything does with kids, but it feels so good to finally have decided on a strategy and be sticking to it. How many times will we have to re-learn that lesson?

Toddler Regression

2009-06-09T12:19:00.003-07:00

I've heard of toddlers regressing to infant behavior when a new baby comes into the family, but I didn't expect this:

Or this- yes, that's Z swaddled:

Thankfully, there have been only momentary relapses. And they have been pretty hilarious.

Newborn Routine - 16 weeks

2009-06-06T08:58:00.001-07:00

Here's an update on Harper's Routine.
Feeding Times:
Every three hours starting at 7am: 7am, 10am, 1pm, 4pm, 7pm, 10:30pm.
Harper dropped the first middle of the night feeding around 6 weeks and I pushed her to drop the second middle of the night feeding at 12 weeks. She still wakes up early on some days (around 6:30am or so). When she does, I usually just feed her (for now anyway) and adjust the next couple of feedings by 15 minutes or so to get her back to the usual feeding times.

Awake Times: Harper stays awake for an hour to an hour and a half (including the feeding time). I find she is able to stay up longer (1 1/2 hours or even a little more, although I don't let her go that long if I can help it) after the 7am feeding and after the 4pm feeding.
Activities: The second child gets a lot less interaction with Mom, that's for sure. Harper does a lot of sitting in her chair and watching. I try to get her on the play mate (back and tummy) once a day, but not as often as I would like because I have to sit by her and watch the Z factor.

Nap Times: Harper sleeps about 1 1/2 to 2 hours. If we're at home and she's in her bed, she'll sleep really well and I usually have to wake her up for the next feeding. She does wake up mid-way (45-minute intruder) through the nap pretty often. She'll cry for 5-10 minutes and then go back to sleep. When she sleeps in her car seat, it is a lot harder to get her to go back to sleep when she wakes up in the middle of her nap. She's pretty good-natured about it (unlike Z was), but when that happens, I sometimes feed her a little early (15 minutes) and put her down early for the next nap.
Going to sleep: I have been using the pacifier with Harper which puts her out really quickly. She would rarely cry, and if she did it was 5 minutes at the most. I told myself I wouldn't go past 3 months with the pacifier with Baby Number Two to avoid Pacifier Addiction, but here I am almost to four months. I was struggling about continuing to use it but now I'm noticing she is getting her hands to her mouth more readily and seems to want them instead of the pacifier. So, I'm going to try to go with that when I can, and when it's too hard (lots of crying), I'll probably go back to the pacifier. Most importantly, I'm watching my own compulsion to put the pacifier in; I'm trying to watch and wait rather than going for the easy "plug."

Next transition in the routine: I'm watching for signs that Harper can go to the 4-hour feeding interval. Baby Wise says to watch for when you're waking baby up for every feeding. It says this typically happens between 3 and 4 months of age. She is able to stay up longer and longer now. For a 4-hour schedule, she should be able to stay up an hour and a half pretty easily. Also, I'm waiting to see when she appears less fervent about the feeding, kind of like I saw before I pushed her to drop the last middle of the night feeding. I would also like to see her more consistently wake up at 7am, although that is not a must. I think she'll be ready pretty soon, but I'm not in a rush. Just watching and waiting. Although, in the back of my mind I remember that when I switched Z to a 4-hour feeding schedule that I felt a dramatic sense of relief and freedom. So, perhaps that will motivate me to make the change pretty soon here.

Our Routine: Two Kids - Checkup

2009-06-03T13:10:00.000-07:00

Now that we've been doing the two kid thing for a little over three months, I thought I would do a checkup on our routine and see what has changed. The biggest thing is that Harper is awake for longer periods of time. This means I have more time with both kids together now. Harper spends a lot of time in her chair watching, but I figure watching me and Z play is just as good an activity as other things for her. Also, I pretty much let Z watch TV whenever I feed Harper. Since she only eats for 15-30 minutes, this is a good time limit for TV. I try to save the TV watching just for that time (although I admit I'm not always succeeding at that). Although TV isn't ideal, I'm trying to relax and not worry about it. It will become less frequent as we are able to get out more as Harper gets bigger.

Some changes I would still like to make are giving Z more alone play time and more structured play time. A friend referred me to a good website, Productive Parenting, for ideas for activities. I'm going to start working on some with Z to help him improve his attention span and stay focused on things for longer. For now, I can get him to stick with something on his own for about 5-10 minutes. I'd like this to be closer to 15 minutes.

The changes since the last time I posted our routine are in red.

Time	Harper	Z	Mom
7am	Wake Up, Feeding, "Play" in chair in bathroom while I'm in the shower	Still asleep, or still playing in bed	Feeding (about 15 minutes), Take shower
8am	Awake Time; usually in seat while we're getting breakfast	Wake Up & Breakfast	Get Breakfast for Z
8:30 - 9:00am	Nap (On days we have to leave at 8:45, I'll put her to sleep in her car seat)	Breakfast cont'd, Some Television, Getting Dressed	Put Harper to bed, Get Breakfast, Get Ready.
8:45 or 9am	Move to Car Seat	Get in Car	Get Kids in Car (When we have to be somewhere, approx. 3-4 times per week.).
10am - 10:20am	Feeding	Play. ~~Good time for private play time. Or, I'm going to set him up with coloring or read books with him.~~ Z watches TV.	Feeding
10:30-11:15am	Awake time; Mon & Wed -bath time; Tues- awake in car seat at grocery store Thurs: out on errands or at park Frid: Playmat, tummy time, bath	Mon: Playtime outside with Mom & Harper (in baby carrier) Or, watches while I give Harper a bath Tues: Grocery store Wed: With babysitter outside or at park Thurs: park, outside, errands	Mon, Thurs: Playtime with Z (outside when possible) Wed: Housework Frid: Housework & play with Harper
11:30	Nap in car seat; often transfer her to bed when we get home Or nap at home	Outside or grocery store/errands; Bath at home couple times a week	Grocery store/errands or home with kid(s)
12pm	Still Napping	Clean up and Lunch Playtime with Mom	Lunch & Play with Z
1pm	Feeding	~~Alone playtime or~~ TV	Feeding
1:30-2:00pm	Sit with Z and me	Read books then go to bed for nap	Put Z down for nap and then Harper
2:00pm-4pm	A little more awake time just with Mom; Nap by 2:30pm	Nap	Nap (aahhh.... God shines his goodness on me!) Still napping, but not as long. Try to get 30-45 minutes. 3:30pm - do 10 minute Pilates video 3 times a week and check email or read the other two days, Prep for dinner (cut up things, get ingredients measured)
4pm	Feeding	Get up & Snack. If Z isn't out of his room by 4pm, he plays in there while I'm feeding Harper. Usually he's up and eats his snack and then watches TV while I feed Harper. This is one feeding where sometimes he'll play and we won't turn the TV on.	Feeding & Snack
4:30pm - 5:30pm	Outside in carrier with Mom	Play outside with Mom & Harper	Outside
5:30pm-6pm	Nap	Alone Play time	~~Play with Z until have to~~ get dinner ready
6/6:30pm	Nap	Dinner	Dinner and then clean up
7pm	Feeding	Playtime with Dad	Feeding
7:45pm	Sit with us for storytime before Z goes to bed	Get ready for bed and storytime	Storytime
8/8:15pm - 10pm	Nap	Bed	Clean up, Change into PJs, Watch TV with John
10:30pm	Feeding	Bed	Feeding
10:45/11pm	Bed	Bed	Bed

Will It Ever Get Easier?

2009-05-27T09:47:00.000-07:00

I've been browsing back through old posts and remembering what I struggled with when Z was a newly roaming toddler. It is such a good thing to look back and see how Z has really improved in areas where training him was such a challenge. Some of it is training (parent setting expectations and enforcing them) and part of it is developmental (Z moving on to conquer new skills). So, I thought I would write a summary that might be encouraging to a Mom out there who is starting in one phase or another.

These are rough definitions of time that could begin earlier or later depending on the child.
One Year- The Exploring, Newly Mobile Toddler
The entire day is dedicated to exploring and investigating. He constantly goes back to touch things that were clearly a No yesterday (10 times a No) and then finds time to get into even new and better things (lotion was a favorite of Z's). A friend with three kids explained to me that a young toddler has very little memory in the sense of learning a concept and keeping it. That doesn't mean they are stupid, it just means that they learn through repetition, repetition, repetition. Each day is like a new start, so don't expect them to remember what you told them yesterday. They don't even know what yesterday is. Expect to be constantly training them and for them to continue to push the boundaries. I kept thinking that one day it would click with Z and I wouldn't have to tell him AGAIN to not touch the TV (for example). In reality, it is more like a meandering path: one day he might do really well and the next he's all over it again; then he may not touch something for weeks and then one day go right back to it with a vengeance. The good news (I can see it clearly now) is that the meandering path does head in the right direction due to, as I said above, training and development.
The hard part for me during this phase was the repetition of it. It seemed like it was never going to get better. I had to be constantly vigilant and it felt like I never had time to do anything on my own. Every time I tried to get something done, Z would get into something and make a big mess. This is just one of those times when they will need A LOT of supervision, but it does get better.

Two Years- The Willful, Newly Independent Toddler
Now exploration isn't as big of a motive. They are still very curious and inquisitive but the touching and pursuing is not as frenetic or compulsive. There are a lot of things they've already discovered and aren't as interested in anymore. In this phase I saw Z start to really process concepts and put things together into categories. Typically, the verbal communication is coming at this point, too, and they can tell you about the things they're figuring out. I also saw Z start to imitate adult behaviors more. This is when Imagination comes. Suddenly just about any long-ish toy can become a leaf blower and anything with wheels that one can push is a lawn mower. They are more interested in playing with others, especially in a role-playing kind of way. When we started giving voices to his stuffed animals or trucks, it was magical for Z. (It was also an excellent tool to get him to do something he didn't want to do, such as brushing his teeth. Amazing how Curious George could be so persuasive!)
This is also the stage where they figure out they are their own person. They suddenly don't like you getting in their business- cutting nails, brushing teeth, washing in the bath could become a problem when they weren't before. I found that explaining what I was doing and why was helpful with this. Don't just jump in and expect them to be okay with it. The infamous Terrible Two year-old is ready to assert his will and opinions. They realize they can say no and that it often gets a good reaction from Mom. For me, this has been a learning experience about giving Z some freedoms while not giving him to much (See Decisions Are the Worst). I heard a very wise and experienced Mom describe this phase as the battle of the wills. She said if the parent does not win, you will never win. This is a key point in teaching your child who is in charge. And it isn't about your ego; it is about training your child to be teach-able and obedient, skills that are essential to so many things in life. Your battle now will make it that much easier to guide your child through the phases that are yet to come. Putting off the battle to later only makes it much more difficult. I try to remember this when I feel tired and willing to give in. I imagine the power struggle with a 6, 8, 12 year-old and it helps me buckle down.
For me, this phase has been challenging because it is easy to take things personally. The child's non-compliance feels more like a direct challenge to your authority (which it is but only because he wants it his way, not because he wants to spite you). This phase (now that Z is talking more) also brings more negotiating. I constantly struggle with this. I give in to the discussion with Z rather than simply enforcing my decision. There is a place for listening to your child, but there also needs to be a line. When you've commanded them to do something or told them no, you have to stand your ground.

In summary, I try to remember constantly that this is a process. We are not going to just wake up one day and say, "Phew, glad that training and disciplining phase is done!" But, over time, it is possible to see the progress your child is making. I think back to a year ago (Z was 18 months) and remember that we struggled with getting him to sit and not fuss in restaurants (there were times we had to take him out and spank him 3-4 times). And, we couldn't walk down the street without constant vigilance because he would suddenly veer off away from us (and potentially into the street, although he never did). Now, we can go walking at our favorite location (a quaint small town Main Street kind of place) and Z does a pretty good job of staying with us and definitely knows to hold our hand to cross the street and such. And, for the most part, he also does a really good job of sitting patiently at a restaurant. I remember thinking we would never be able to really enjoy those activities with Z. And now we can!

So, whatever phase you're in, be sure that some things will get better and that new challenges will come. But don't lose sight of you and your child's progress when you're in the midst of it all.

Proud Mama

2009-05-25T09:13:00.000-07:00

I was just looking through some pictures and I realized how STOKED I am to be the Mom of these two kids.

Z, who 6 months ago spoke less than 50 words:

Harper, who continues to bless me every day with her mellow, good nature: