Seven or so years ago I was in a scary car accident on the 405 freeway. It was raining very hard and my car hydroplaned perpendicularly across five lanes of traffic. Thank God, I was okay and the passenger in the only car I hit was also okay. After the car was pulled out of the bushes and ditch (and was still drive-able), we drove side streets to a gas station near our house to look at the damage and decide where to drop it for repairs. When I saw the damage done to the front of the car I almost collapsed. All the pseudo-calm to handle the emergency dissolved and I sobbed hysterically. Seeing the extent of the accident, I realized how much worse it could have been and I felt intense gratitude that I didn't die.
This past week I felt like I was getting a glimpse at the mangling, ripping emotional and spiritual accident that occurred in my life within the last five years. Grief, post partum depression, young children (one who was extremely challenging), unhappiness in life circumstances, a fruitless church life... they all twisted and turned me, John and our marriage into a gory wreck. In the depths of that dark place, ugliness, sin and anger thrived and marred us even more. We have been walking away from the wreck for more than two years and slowly healing and rebuilding. We have felt God's hand through the love of our friends and new church family helping us to mend and renew. But recent events have turned me around to look again at that wreck I so want to leave behind.
Last weekend John shared our story at a men's retreat for our church. In preparing to talk about accountability, John was led back through those very difficult years and was able to see God's loving hand through it all. At a time when John felt alone, he can now see how God's church and people were there the entire time, like a safety net, keeping John from more sin and pain. John was deeply blessed by this view of God's work in his life and God's protection of him during a very vulnerable time. But for me, this was like looking back at the twisted metal of my car and seeing what might have been. The wounds of the last few years are reopened and I'm hurt again by the animosity and indifference that was in our marriage. I can see more clearly the sin that thrived when we were in that dark place and now I can see how much worse it could have been.
And it hurts.
I've been so tempted to be angry again. At myself. At John. At God. All the same questions come up again. Why me? Why us? Why did this have to happen? How can this be for our good? Does God really love me? Does God really want only good for me?
I turn to One Thousand Gifts again for Ann Voskamp's God-given, life-giving words.
"Surely, just as I have intended so it has happened, and just as I have planned so it will stand." (Is 14:24)
and
"See that I am God. See that I am in everything. See that I do everything. See that I have never stopped ordering my works, nor ever shall, eternally. See that I lead everything on to the conclusion I ordained for it before time began, by the same power, wisdom and love with which I made it. How can anything be amiss." (Julian of Norwich)
"...I won't shield God from my anguish by claiming He's not involved in the ache of this world and Satan prowls but he's a lion on a leash and the God who governs all can be shouted at when I bruise, and I can cry and I can howl and He embraces the David-hearts who pound hard on His heart with their grief and I can moan deep that He did this -- and He did. I feel Him hold me -- a flailing child tired in Father's arms.... I know all our days are struggle and warfare and that the spirit-to-spirit combat I endlessly wage with Satan is this ferocious thrash for joy. He sneers at all the things that seem to have gone hideously mad in this sin-drunk world, and I gasp to say God is good. The liar defiantly scrawls his graffiti across God's glory and I heave to enjoy God."(AV)
This moment of light and sight to John, for me, is a moment of darkness. I too easily turn toward the darkness of lacking, the lie that God is not there. And yet He whispers sweetly that if I had never seen the wreckage I would never have known His protective hand. Never seeing the bottom of that chasm, I would not rightly know my dependence on Him. Without the vision of God's word to properly see the things around us, I will only see the hole, the lack. God's word points me again to His goodness.
"Only the Word is the answer to rightly reading the world, because the Word has nail-scarred hands that cup our face close, wipe away the tears running down, has eyes to look deep into our brimming ached, and whisper, "I know. I know." The passion on the page is a Person, and the lens I wear of the Word is not abstract idea but they eyes of the God-Man who came and knows the pain." AV
And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 1 Peter 5:10
Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. Hebrews 5:14-16
Monday, September 26, 2011
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Relief in New Routines
This past week was the start of our new routine for the year. Z started preschool on Wednesday. I started my new job on Thursday. From now on, Z will be in school Monday, Wednesday, Friday. And I'll be working Tuesday, Thursday: two full days which is twice as much as I used to work. As with any new thing, I was nervous about the change and the transition for the kids. With change being especially hard for Z, I was expecting the worst, hoping the best for his adjustment to his new class and teacher.
And, honestly, I'm coming to realize that the change is often harder for me than it is for him! He ran right off to his new class on the first day... and the second day.... And he was calm and happy when I picked him up both days. I had lobbied the school director to have the teacher he has and I'm so thrilled to see him connecting already with her. I think she also was expecting the worst (based on true feedback from Z's last year teacher and from me) and was pleasantly surprised. She called me Friday night and told me that his behavior was so good that he was picked to be the line leader for the whole day. I must have smiled for at least five minutes after the call!
I am just so amazed and grateful for the progress Z has made over the summer in so many ways. He is so much more calm and confident. He is thrilled when he does a good job and I can see how hard he tries to do a good job most of the time. The funny thing about change is how even when it is for the better, I can keep operating in the assumptions of the past. I have to fight against the anxiety and dread that I used to feel every time there was a social interaction of a long outing. Z is proving to me again and again how much he has grown and I just have to learn to trust it. Or, another way of saying it is, God is proving to me over and over how much He loves me through the good and the bad, and I just have to learn to trust Him.
Photo Credit: Sofia
And, honestly, I'm coming to realize that the change is often harder for me than it is for him! He ran right off to his new class on the first day... and the second day.... And he was calm and happy when I picked him up both days. I had lobbied the school director to have the teacher he has and I'm so thrilled to see him connecting already with her. I think she also was expecting the worst (based on true feedback from Z's last year teacher and from me) and was pleasantly surprised. She called me Friday night and told me that his behavior was so good that he was picked to be the line leader for the whole day. I must have smiled for at least five minutes after the call!
I am just so amazed and grateful for the progress Z has made over the summer in so many ways. He is so much more calm and confident. He is thrilled when he does a good job and I can see how hard he tries to do a good job most of the time. The funny thing about change is how even when it is for the better, I can keep operating in the assumptions of the past. I have to fight against the anxiety and dread that I used to feel every time there was a social interaction of a long outing. Z is proving to me again and again how much he has grown and I just have to learn to trust it. Or, another way of saying it is, God is proving to me over and over how much He loves me through the good and the bad, and I just have to learn to trust Him.
Photo Credit: Sofia
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Gift Number 148
Contagious Laughter
For those catching up, I've been counting gifts from God to stir up the joy in my life. Hope this brings you some joy today.
For those catching up, I've been counting gifts from God to stir up the joy in my life. Hope this brings you some joy today.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Evolution of a Room II
Two years ago I posted on how I rearranged the kids room to fit Harper in a crib and Z in a toddler bed. I can't believe we have now just transitioned again for the final time (at least in this two-bedroom house).
As Harper likes to tell everyone who will listen (including strangers): "I hab bunt-bed!" (I have a bunk bed!)
So I moved Harper from a mini crib to a twin bed! She is so tiny in it, but she loves it. Z is stoked to be on the top and is loving the extra wall space for his artwork that this brings. The first week of bedtime was pretty rough; lots of playing instead of sleeping, but they are getting used to it now. We were already disciplining Harper if she got out of her crib so we continued that (with some grace the first few nights as she adjusted) and she is doing really well.
I had a lot of fun planning this next phase of the kids' room. Bunk bed, dresser and comforters are from Ikea. The bunk bed took 5 hours to assemble. Thank you, John! And I only had to paint the turquoise circles in the room to a spring green color to give the room a bigger kid look. And that little storage unit with the pull out drawers is a life-saver! I can't believe the relief when I got all the toys put away in the drawers and there was even more room to pull out some of the toys I had to keep buried in the closet. I'm really happy with the result!
As Harper likes to tell everyone who will listen (including strangers): "I hab bunt-bed!" (I have a bunk bed!)
So I moved Harper from a mini crib to a twin bed! She is so tiny in it, but she loves it. Z is stoked to be on the top and is loving the extra wall space for his artwork that this brings. The first week of bedtime was pretty rough; lots of playing instead of sleeping, but they are getting used to it now. We were already disciplining Harper if she got out of her crib so we continued that (with some grace the first few nights as she adjusted) and she is doing really well.
I had a lot of fun planning this next phase of the kids' room. Bunk bed, dresser and comforters are from Ikea. The bunk bed took 5 hours to assemble. Thank you, John! And I only had to paint the turquoise circles in the room to a spring green color to give the room a bigger kid look. And that little storage unit with the pull out drawers is a life-saver! I can't believe the relief when I got all the toys put away in the drawers and there was even more room to pull out some of the toys I had to keep buried in the closet. I'm really happy with the result!
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Death's Sting
I just heard that my neighbor's 20 year-old son passed away. He struggled with drug addiction and it finally was what ended his life.
I've been thinking about what to write in a sympathy card to the family, and especially the mom, who I talk to pretty regularly. The words I use will probably be gentle and vague and perhaps not very meaningful. But what I want to say is that...
Death is a terrible, tragic thing in anyone's life. It is wrong and unfair. It is the hateful conclusion to our lifelong struggle against the curse of sin and death we inherited from our first father, Adam. Even when it is a person who has lived a long life of many good things, there is still a great loss and sadness. In the best case, those left behind can be comforted that they will see their loved one again when they meet in heaven with their Lord and Savior. But even then, it just doesn't feel right. We were created as eternal beings. Interruption of our life, even if it is just in this world, still seems wrong.
And to think of how a mother must feel to see her son, still young, cut off by an addiction that crippled the fruitfulness of much of his life. The regret, the guilt, the what-if's, if-only's. I think of how much potential and hope I have for my own son and I imagine the deep, gut-wrenching sadness of seeing him make the wrong decisions. Watching him walk a path that will only lead to destruction.
What a wake-up call to what really matters in this life. I'm outside trimming rose bushes, contemplating these things and I pray that God would protect my kids from life-stealing sins. And then I thought what I really need to pray for is just that they would know their needfulness of God. That they would see their sin when they are small and learn to go to God for forgiveness and restoration. That God would clothe them in wisdom and strengthen them in making choices that please Him. And I pray that God would continually focus me on the things that really matter. The heart issues that lie below the surface. Not just the behaviors that annoy or hurt on the outside.
As ugly and sad as it is, I'm thankful for death. I'm thankful for the reminder that this life is just a blink of the eye. We are but grass that withers away and the things that matter are the eternal ones... loving God with all our heart, soul and strength.
Lord, help me store up treasures that do not fade: the thoughts, attitudes and actions that honor You.
I've been thinking about what to write in a sympathy card to the family, and especially the mom, who I talk to pretty regularly. The words I use will probably be gentle and vague and perhaps not very meaningful. But what I want to say is that...
Death is a terrible, tragic thing in anyone's life. It is wrong and unfair. It is the hateful conclusion to our lifelong struggle against the curse of sin and death we inherited from our first father, Adam. Even when it is a person who has lived a long life of many good things, there is still a great loss and sadness. In the best case, those left behind can be comforted that they will see their loved one again when they meet in heaven with their Lord and Savior. But even then, it just doesn't feel right. We were created as eternal beings. Interruption of our life, even if it is just in this world, still seems wrong.
And to think of how a mother must feel to see her son, still young, cut off by an addiction that crippled the fruitfulness of much of his life. The regret, the guilt, the what-if's, if-only's. I think of how much potential and hope I have for my own son and I imagine the deep, gut-wrenching sadness of seeing him make the wrong decisions. Watching him walk a path that will only lead to destruction.
What a wake-up call to what really matters in this life. I'm outside trimming rose bushes, contemplating these things and I pray that God would protect my kids from life-stealing sins. And then I thought what I really need to pray for is just that they would know their needfulness of God. That they would see their sin when they are small and learn to go to God for forgiveness and restoration. That God would clothe them in wisdom and strengthen them in making choices that please Him. And I pray that God would continually focus me on the things that really matter. The heart issues that lie below the surface. Not just the behaviors that annoy or hurt on the outside.
As ugly and sad as it is, I'm thankful for death. I'm thankful for the reminder that this life is just a blink of the eye. We are but grass that withers away and the things that matter are the eternal ones... loving God with all our heart, soul and strength.
Lord, help me store up treasures that do not fade: the thoughts, attitudes and actions that honor You.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Huge Thanks for Little Gifts
All I can say is that you all are praying out there. Today was SO much better than the first few days of the week. I really could see the gifts of God today in so many ways.
We had a great time with friends at the beach and I got to see Z really playing with his friend and handling little interactions of sharing and getting into each other's projects. And then, the highlight of the morning was when I looked up to see him coming up out of the water, his little face streaming with water and a look of surprise on his face. I started toward him, thinking he had fallen, waiting for him to start crying, and then he burst into a triumphant smile! I heard him tell his friend, "That's a duck dive!" Oh, man! I was so proud of him! He NEVER puts his face in the water! And to see him do it on his own just for fun was spectacular!
This afternoon at the park, we found some chalk. Z wrote his entire name on the sidewalk. Another first! He has never written his whole name anywhere! He has shown a lot more interest in writing and drawing lately, which is so encouraging. He is showing more control of his hold on the pen and wanting to draw things more clearly. He has a journal he has been filling with pictures with squiggles at the bottom; he told us he is writing a book!
What a great day!
We had a great time with friends at the beach and I got to see Z really playing with his friend and handling little interactions of sharing and getting into each other's projects. And then, the highlight of the morning was when I looked up to see him coming up out of the water, his little face streaming with water and a look of surprise on his face. I started toward him, thinking he had fallen, waiting for him to start crying, and then he burst into a triumphant smile! I heard him tell his friend, "That's a duck dive!" Oh, man! I was so proud of him! He NEVER puts his face in the water! And to see him do it on his own just for fun was spectacular!
This afternoon at the park, we found some chalk. Z wrote his entire name on the sidewalk. Another first! He has never written his whole name anywhere! He has shown a lot more interest in writing and drawing lately, which is so encouraging. He is showing more control of his hold on the pen and wanting to draw things more clearly. He has a journal he has been filling with pictures with squiggles at the bottom; he told us he is writing a book!
What a great day!
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
On the Edge
I have felt on the edge of so many things lately. On the edge of frustration, losing my patience, anger, sadness, tears, harsh words, headaches. And also on the edge of joy streaming down my cheeks in tears, gratefulness, revelation, understanding. It seems that every time God has adjusted my perspective again to the right things and I'm able to focus on the gifts and joy in my life, a few hard moments or a rough couple nights of sleep take it all away again.
After a busy weekend and time with lots of great friends, I woke up on Monday morning stripped. And if I felt tired, then it's reasonable to assume the kids would be tired too. Needless to say, Z has been more difficult the past few days. And I have been weak and exhausted. Not a good combination. The battles in the moment are hard - keeping calm while he spews angry words and he's coming unhinged and it's all I can do to think clearly about what my next step should be. But it's usually after the battle that I break down. He'll be back to playing, having done his time and offered his apology. And I'm washing dishes in the kitchen, hiding my sobbing, screwed up face, trying to keep my shoulders from shaking.
I feel angry and sad and insufficient. Lies circle in my head, like cawing crows, saying that I can't do this any more, and, if I could just get away...
And the funny thing is that the chapter I read this weekend from One Thousand Gifts was about needing to daily go to God for sustenance. To daily focus on the beauty and gifts He has given. Just like the manna had to be collected daily in the desert lest we forget our dependence on God. And the most important thing is to find the manna- the little miracles of yumminess in a barren, desolate place- among the every day. To not need to get away or be alone to see the beauty. Up to this point, my list making has been on Sundays when I have time to myself to reflect. It's not enough. It fills the gas tank but there is a hole in my tank and the joy is all gone by Monday morning.
So, tomorrow is a new day. I'll start a new day finding the gifts God sends me. And I'll leave you with the last few I wrote down (some of which aren't from Sunday. Smile.)
73. Son's crooked mouth and half-closed eye when he's pondering something
75. Harper's muppet hair when she wakes up in the morning
76. cotton ball clouds
77. Silence when the kids finally do go to sleep.
After a busy weekend and time with lots of great friends, I woke up on Monday morning stripped. And if I felt tired, then it's reasonable to assume the kids would be tired too. Needless to say, Z has been more difficult the past few days. And I have been weak and exhausted. Not a good combination. The battles in the moment are hard - keeping calm while he spews angry words and he's coming unhinged and it's all I can do to think clearly about what my next step should be. But it's usually after the battle that I break down. He'll be back to playing, having done his time and offered his apology. And I'm washing dishes in the kitchen, hiding my sobbing, screwed up face, trying to keep my shoulders from shaking.
I feel angry and sad and insufficient. Lies circle in my head, like cawing crows, saying that I can't do this any more, and, if I could just get away...
And the funny thing is that the chapter I read this weekend from One Thousand Gifts was about needing to daily go to God for sustenance. To daily focus on the beauty and gifts He has given. Just like the manna had to be collected daily in the desert lest we forget our dependence on God. And the most important thing is to find the manna- the little miracles of yumminess in a barren, desolate place- among the every day. To not need to get away or be alone to see the beauty. Up to this point, my list making has been on Sundays when I have time to myself to reflect. It's not enough. It fills the gas tank but there is a hole in my tank and the joy is all gone by Monday morning.
So, tomorrow is a new day. I'll start a new day finding the gifts God sends me. And I'll leave you with the last few I wrote down (some of which aren't from Sunday. Smile.)
73. Son's crooked mouth and half-closed eye when he's pondering something
75. Harper's muppet hair when she wakes up in the morning
76. cotton ball clouds
77. Silence when the kids finally do go to sleep.
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