Therapy Session (2)

Be careful of the stories you believe about yourself.

This one has really been brewing in my head for a while now. It's kind of a big umbrella for all the ways we think about ourselves- either from what others have told us, the roles we've filled, or our own patterns of thinking. For one woman this might be the care-taking role she has always filled as the oldest sibling that develops into caring for everyone else except herself. She finds her worth in caring for others to such an extent that she might feel worthless when she doesn't. For another woman this might mean that she thinks she's not smart because of words a teacher or parent said to her when she struggled in school.

For me, it looks like this. I think that if I plan and prepare and work hard enough then everything in my life will go smoothly. I think I'm smart and capable (which is good). But I think that because of that, everything should be easy. When I make mistakes, I beat myself up about them. It could be something as silly as forgetting to write something on my grocery list, thus causing another trip to the grocery store. Or it could be the bigger mistakes like losing my temper with Z or, on the other side of the coin, letting a discipline problem go unaddressed. If I really let the voice go in my head, these mistakes turn into failures, with a capital F. It's only a short jump to go from "I'm failing" to "I'm a failure."

What a lie! Not only am I not a failure, God tells me that He is perfecting His work in me. I will never be perfect on this earth, just like no one else will be. And sometimes stuff just happens no matter how perfectly I might plan and prepare. It is unrealistic to think that I can make anything perfect in this world. But, I can be confident that GOD is refining me in His perfect timing. And I can rest in knowing that His grace for me is infinite. And, if I really think about it from His perspective, does God care if I forget to buy milk? Doesn't He care more that I don't get bent out of shape about it and snap at my family? So, I'm working on staying alert for that voice in my head that tells me I'm failing. I'm fighting back against it and replacing it with God's words about me.

So think about it. What stories do you hear about yourself? Are they true? Where do they come from? Just because the words are in your head doesn't make them true.

Therapy Session (1)

So it turns out that I don't blog as much when I go to a therapist. Interesting. I always knew blogging was therapeutic for me!

I've been learning a lot in my therapy sessions. I ended up switching to a Christian therapist and I'm so glad I did. The biggest difference was really just that I felt a lot more comfortable with her. She is very warm and personable and it is easy to talk to her. I've been surprised by the breadth of things we've talked about. All of it has been really good for me. I'm going to share some of what I'm learning where I think it could be helpful for others.

1. Parents Need To Take Breaks... especially if you're an introvert.
I always knew I was an introvert, but I underestimated how important getting alone time is for me. I can see how most of my breakdowns in the past have been after an intense time without breaks. I've really been prioritizing time away and it is helping a ton. John has really been supportive of this and reminds me every weekend. Having babysitters more often has helped and even when I'm working I take a half hour or more to do something on my own- get coffee and read a book, drive and listen to music. Having more time to myself has helped in my relationship with John also. So often in the evenings I'm just ready to shut down and zone out. Unfortunately, that is the most common time that John and I have together. But I find that my alone time during the day helps me reserve some energy for him at the end of the day. Talking through all of this with him has helped him understand me better, I think. The other night I was on the couch just decompressing from the day. He sat down on the chair next to the couch and said that he wanted to give me a hug and tell me that he loves me, but he could tell that I needed some space to myself. It was the best gift ever! It was like getting a hug and space at the same time! Perfect!

New

Just adjusting to the new normal here. Learning the difference between hard days and days lived in depression. Every time a difficult day pops up I get scared that the depression is returning. It feels like the black cloud (think Lost) is circling at my ankles and I'm not sure if it will grab me and throw me across the jungle or just click and go away. So far it has always left. Sometimes I kick it lose and sometimes I realize it was never there at all.
Mostly it is really just fear. Fear that the depression will come back. Fear that I won't realize it and I'll suffer through months of darkness again. But I have to remember that I will never be in the same position again. Before I didn't really know what was going on. Now I know what to watch for and I'm on medicine that is already working and can be adjusted to work better if needed.
My therapist (how weird is it to say that?!) says that every time I "exercise" my brain to get through the struggles and realize that it is not depression that I build my ability to do it again. Each time the exercise will get a little easier until I won't even realize I'm doing it. I'll just recognize the feelings and move past them. I like this idea of exercising or practicing. It reminds me of when Paul talks about training as if for a race (1 Corinthians 9:23-27). I feel like I'm practicing trusting that God will take care of me and by doing so I gain confidence in getting through the struggles of every day life.

Speaking of new... I think I felt the need to mark this new phase of my life. I decided to change my hair. I have not changed my hair significantly since high school.
Here it is:


(Don't pay attention to my dirty mirror.)