Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Time-Outs

When Z turned two, I had in mind to start using the time-out technique for discipline. It took me a while to get things going and we took it slow, but I'm so happy with the results. I really like having another "tool" for disciplining Z. Up until this point we have used spanking and, more recently, reward/deprivation (taking away something he wanted to do).

As for the ramp up for the time-out, I started by getting a little rug I could put in his room in the corner. I involved him in its selection and talked about it a lot. Then, taking Babywise Mom's advice, I started training him a little when there was no discipline issue. I told him that I was going to put him on the rug when he disobeyed. Then, I gave him an example and walked through it. He understood it very quickly and started to refer to it when I used the word discipline (just like he has in the past with spanking).

I had intended to use it the first few times for a minor disobedience (not involving a tantrum) when he would be calm. However, it was during a tantrum that I first used it. I was surprised to see that the isolation and focus of one location actually helped him calm down. Then we talked about what he did wrong and went through the reconciliation. This was especially effective because we could talk about things after he calmed down, and while he was riled up he was still receiving the discipline. It has been hard to use spanking when he has thrown tantrums because, if he is really upset, I can't talk to him about what he did wrong (he is not in a place where he can really listen), and because he is really strong and it's getting harder to hold him on my shrinking lap.

Now, I don't know if you ever watch Super Nanny, but she is a big proponent of the time-out. And almost every episode has a scene where the parent(s) have to continually place the toddler back on the time-out location. It is a perfect example of the battle of wills that begins as a toddler starts to realize they are their own person. The parent who can outlast the persistent toddler is the victor. We had our time-out battle with Z yesterday. He was being disciplined for a tantrum. He was already really tired and this tantrum was among his worst. John put him on the time-out rug, explained what it was for and said he had to stay for two minutes. Z proceeded to crawl off the rug immediately after we put him on it. John put him back on. Z crawled off. John put him back on. Z crawled off. This went on for 15 minutes (you know I timed it). Fifteen minutes of relentlessness. I even took a turn moving Z back on when John got tired. I could only do it a few minutes it was so exhausting. The entire time Z is crying and not once sitting on the rug for longer than five seconds.

I am ashamed to admit that I questioned John during the process. In my mind I knew this was a showdown we had to win. But in my heart I wondered if Z could really do it. Was he too tired? How long would we have to do it? Are we sure this is how we want to do it? John firmly stated we would keep doing it until Z stayed on the rug. I am so thankful for my husband. After 15 minutes, Z stayed on the rug, sucked his thumb and calmed down. When his two minutes were up we praised him for obeying (sitting on the rug) and told him how much we loved him and that our discipline was because we loved him. He gave us big hugs and seemed very relieved that it was over (the two minutes or the battle, I wonder?).

There will be other battles, but at least I know we can win.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Encouragement

It's been a rough couple of weeks with the developmental evaluation (and aftermath) and then Z getting a bad cold. He was very clingy and needy for many days. It brought out the nurturer in me for the first couple days, but then I just got really tired of it. On top of the cold, Z started another round of fit-throwing. It was so discouraging to be back working on tantrums again. I know that it's not like they get "cured" one day of a bad behavior, but we hadn't had it too bad since the first struggle when Z was 18 months. Anyway, I couldn't help but link some of his communication frustration with the tantrums, so that made it even harder [to think that he was (we were) struggling because of the speech delay].

However, as it goes with parenting (and life in general), the rough period has smoothed out a little and I'm feeling hopeful again. Z started to feel better and our discipline of the tantrums started to show some fruit. We started using time-outs more regularly and I was so surprised to see Z understand and accept them quickly. I'll do another post on that, but the bottom line is that things are going better. We've had a few really fun outings and visits where Z was his most charming self. It was so much fun to see other people enjoy him and remember all the really wonderful gifts that Z has. It's so easy to lose perspective and see only the negative behavior. This makes me remember another reason to blog-- writing down the good stuff will help me hang on to hope when we hit another tough time.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Bringing Delay to the Light

So Z had his appointment for a developmental and speech assessment. It was much more challenging than I anticipated. And it has left me emotionally train-wrecked for the last few days. Cutting to the chase, they did recommend Z go to group therapy for an expressive speech delay. I'm glad to be doing something about it, but for now, it's hard to wait for that (paperwork takes a few weeks).

The whole experience has been painful but beneficial for me. As much as I already knew that there was likely a problem, seeing it more concretely and hearing others confirm it was hard. The process itself (the developmental assessment) was very difficult. They had to test Z on a wide range of physical and comprehension abilities. At first it was hard to get Z to focus on the task at hand when there were lots of new things to look at and a stranger (a very nice one) cajoling him to participate. I was able to help a little and he started to do some of the things she was asking, like open a container, play with a puzzle, throw a ball, etc.

As the tasks got harder, Z got more and more tired and more and more frustrated. He wouldn't do things that I know he can do and he fussed and made "nnn" kind of noises that show he's uncomfortable/unhappy. It was so hard to watch as he was unable to do things I know he can do and then to not even try other things. It felt like we were both failing a test. The occupational therapist told me that they had to push him past his ability to see how far he could go. So, I knew that there were things they were asking that a two year-old probably wouldn't be able to do. But I didn't know which skills were supposed to be beyond him and which ones were expected. That felt like failing an unfair test.

Toward the end, the therapist told me that it often happens that they won't do things in the evaluation that they do at home all of the time. She told me not to be discouraged when I see the report they send me, and that the evaluation is only a reflection of that point in time in that situation. That made me feel better, but I'm guessing that report is going to be really hard to read.

All of this brought a lot of difficult emotions to the surface. There is, of course, the feeling of failure, which I know is a lie. There is nothing either of us did to cause this. Reading one more book, singing one more song, enrolling him in a play class would not have changed this situation. We are where we are. The worst part was that I started to look at Z differently. I would flash to his frustrated grunts in that room and imagine him like that as an eight year-old trying to do homework. I started to see only the upset, mostly mute boy in that room. It took some time and help from others for me to remember that Z is a charming, bright, curious, capable toddler. Other kids like him. Other adults like him. He is a unique individual who God created, and I need to love him for exactly who he is, not who I might want him to be.

The thing is, I know in my head that this is a very small problem that is manageable and fixable. This is not a terminal disease or a life-altering disability. By the time Z is five (or even sooner), we will hardly remember that there was any delay at all. However, it is one thing to know something and another to feel it. I couldn't help but feel the disappointment and failure. I felt discouraged and sad and overwhelmed. But the past few days have been an exercise of mind over heart. After finally balling my eyes out to my husband and sharing all of the dark feelings and thoughts, I started to heal and accept. I had to sweep the feelings into the light before my brain could start to combat them on an equal footing. John was understanding, comforting and gentle in pointing out the truth about Z and the whole situation. He helped bring me back to the light of the truth rather than the darkness of my own inner turmoil.

It's encouraging to know that we will have help with this and I'm excited to think about Z being able to communicate more clearly and completely. Anything new can be overwhelming and I'm trying to give myself a break that I have a lot of hormones and tiredness right now that make it feel worse. I need to be patient with myself and with Z during this process. Not to mention a little thing called Christmas is right around the corner. I so want to be present to enjoy and savor each moment with Z- his last Christmas with just Mama and Dada.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

TV Land

Since Z turned two, I've been letting him watch television. Two is the recommended age by the American Pediatric Association, but it was also what I thought was a good age for Z to actually absorb something from the experience rather than just being entranced. I also knew that it would be hard to stop once we started, so I just wanted to put it off for a while longer.

It is pretty delightful to see him get excited about dancing cartoon do-dee-do's on the TV. I've started to record some PBS shows (Caillou, Sesame Street, Sid the Science Kid) so I have something on hand for him. John put in Toy Story for him the other night for a few minutes and Z was more excited about sticking the DVD into the machine than the show. He has spent the last week sliding DVDs underneath our TiVo since then. Hee hee. (The DVD machine is locked behind the cabinet doors.)

Anyway, now that we've entered TV land, I have to admit it can be quite a temptation for both of us now. Already. Z really enjoys it and I get some time to myself to focus on something. It is SOO tempting to turn it on whenever I need it. I need to set some limits for us so I have some kind of line to keep us from watching hours of TV every day. Maybe 30 minutes? Hmm... Most of the time he'll only watch for 15 minutes or so before moving on to something else. I guess I'll start with 30 minutes and see how it goes. It was especially nice the last few days when Z had a fever. He could rest and watch TV for a bit and we didn't go as stir-crazy staying indoors.

Well, I better go turn off the TV. Z and I need to get outside and go to the park. Thanks to Caillou for this 15 minutes of uninterrupted time.