Monday, December 28, 2009

Moments of Joy

Joy has been my constant refrain this last year. I've prayed for it, studied it, thought about it a lot. I shared with some friends that my goal for this time next year was to have a little more joy. I was thinking of what seemed possible in my own struggle with choosing joy amidst the drudgery and difficulty of life with two young kids. A good friend challenged me to not set my goal so low since our God is so good as to make my joy overflow beyond what I could hope or imagine. So I started to pray for a bigger, fuller joy that is impossible in my own efforts, but completely possible for the Creator of all things.

I'm not going to tell you that God answered my prayer and I am forever changed into a light-hearted woman of effervescent joy. But I can tell you about a precious moment of tangible, palpable joy that even a sleep-deprived, dull-brained mother couldn't miss.

A Christmas concert at my Mom's church. Harper playing on the pew next to me. Z standing in his Papa's lap, straining to see Grammy on stage- mouth open, eyes wide. An easy-going, family-friendly atmosphere in which I didn't worry about the noise my children might make. Music about the coming of God as a tiny baby boy to save us from our sins. Joy. Joy filling me up and spilling over. Joy bouncing off my smile into Z's clapping hands, ricocheting over to Harper's bobbing head and zinging back to the warm spot on John's shoulder where Z's hand is resting.

That's it. That's enough.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

A Few of My Favorite Things

>Handel's "Messiah"
>Cookies baking in the oven
>Weather cold enough to wear a scarf
>Shopping online instead of trudging into stores with two kids
>Z pointing out every set of Christmas lights he sees, even in the day time
>Getting Christmas cards in the mail
>Z singing in his first Christmas program at church- "Gentle Mary Laid her child lowly in a manger..."
>Harper's cluelessness about the gifts at Christmas and her love for something as simple as a bowl to play with
>For the first time ever... the song "Feliz Navidad" because Z heard it on the radio (before I could turn it off) and told me that it was Mrs. M's song - the music teacher from preschool (imagine amazement in his voice that other people besides Mrs. M know that song!)

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Quality of Life

I'm so pleased Harper continues to sleep soundly through the night! The sleep and one less feeding both have improved my quality of life significantly. I feel like a different person. I had forgotten how good it felt to put the kids in bed by 8pm and know that the rest of the evening is mine. Just a month or so ago we weren't able to do that for either kid. Z was still fighting hard against the tyranny of a 8pm bedtime (or a 9pm bedtime for that matter). He continues to do well staying in bed once we put him to bed. He still plays, sings, chatters in his bed but he doesn't get out of bed! And even when he occasionally does the discipline is effective and he'll stay in bed after that. I am so grateful to have our evenings back!

As for potty training, things have really improved there too. I honestly had no idea it was such a long process. Z is doing really well with peeing, except for the occasional miss when aiming at the toilet (which only this morning I got upset with him about). And just in the last two weeks he has gone poo on the potty every time. About half of the time we caught him in the poo-poo stance and reminded him to go to the potty. The other half of the time he went to the potty all by himself! Today he even tried to clean himself up, unfortunately, with disastrous results: poo smeared on the wall, door and all over himself. I gotta give him credit for trying but I was NOT happy about that clean up.

Looking back on the last couple of months I am realizing how God was teaching me to trust Him amidst difficult circumstances. I spent a lot of time begging God to take the circumstances away and, I'll admit, angry at Him for not doing that. A good friend gave me the book, "Respectable Sins" by Jerry Bridges. It's all about the seemingly less terrible sins we tolerate in our lives like anger, discontentment, jealousy, etc. That chapter on anger kicked my butt. At the heart of my anger was the belief that God didn't really want what was best for me. If I believe He ordains the path of my life and is in control of all things, then He was working through the sleepless nights and the poo messes too. And then I had to remember that He causes all things to work for the good of those who love Him. I knew that God was using parenthood to refine me like nothing else in my life so far, but I kept thinking God could choose to do it a different way, like with a decent night sleep or one less poo accident.

After confronting my anger and discontentment I was able to redirect my thoughts in the difficult moments. I often prayed for patience but now I know to pray for trust in God and for help to keep me from getting angry. It's a battle. Every day. But I feel better knowing what I'm battling against- my own sin, not the poo on the floor.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Re-Training II: Crying It Out

Here it is a week and a half after I last wrote and the crying it out for Harper continues. Even after she showed progress last time, the waking up started again- sometimes once, sometimes three times a night. I stopped feeding her, but I would still occasionally go to her and comfort her or give her some Tylenol if I thought it was the teething bothering her. After talking to my Baby Wise Guru and reading Chronicles of a Baby Wise Mom, I finally decided to listen to the nagging voice telling me that the dream feed was disrupting Harper's nighttime sleep. I kept thinking I didn't want to try until she was sleeping through the night, but the waking up at night and the fact that she wasn't that eager to eat at all feedings made me think she really didn't need it. I dropped the dream feed for Z when he was just over six months, so I knew it was long past due.

If I was going to drop the dream feed I had to figure out how to put Harper down to sleep at 7:30pm and not disturb her until the morning. I've kept that dream feed much longer than was really necessary because it was an easy way to move her from our bedroom to the living room for the night. After some cleaning and rearranging, Harper is now sleeping the night away in our laundry room. It's right off the kitchen but there are some curtains that hang half-way down to block some of the light. We kept the kitchen lights off and tried to be quiet when in the kitchen.

Last night was the first night and I can call it a success. After many nights of Harper waking up in the middle of the night and crying for an hour or more, I was prepared for the worst. But she woke up at 9:30pm, 10:15pm and 11pm and cried for anywhere from five to fifteen minutes. Then she slept the rest of the night! There are bags hanging in the laundry room that serve as a colorful mobile type distraction. And I added a soft lamb rattle for her to play with (advice from my BWG and our pediatrician). Sure enough, this morning around 6am I heard the rattle but she didn't make a peep. I didn't feed her until 7am!

With just a small taste of dropping that feeding I'm already feeling better. There will probably be more nights of crying, but at least I feel confident enough in the change that I can stick with it. Also, I think going to four feedings a day will start to slow down my milk production, which is actually something I want. I'm ready to be done with nursing, but trying to be patient since Harper is putting up a huge fight with the formula. That's another story. For today, I'm just happy to be making some progress that is good for Harper and for me.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Re-Training - Crying It Out Again

With the recent sicknesses, and even previously with a growth spurt and teething, Harper has started waking up at night. I could kick myself but I started feeding her! Gah! It was a good call to do it the first few times because I did think it might be a growth spurt, but after that, I should have known! That's a downside of breastfeeding this long: it is way too easy to whip it out in the middle of the night instead of simply comforting.
Anyway, mistakes aside, we're finally through the sickness (Harper's) and mental fog (mine) and I can see clearly now how she doesn't need the feeding. It has even started to affect her eating during the day. She is not eating very much of the solid food because she's getting the extra calories at night.
It is time to begin Crying It Out. Ugh. I thought I was through it. But here we go again. Harper's back in the pack-n-play in the living room (where she's been for a while, actually, because of the sick waking up at night- both Z and Harper). I'm trying to focus on this as a spiral of re-training. I am not back at the beginning. We are just revisiting. This happens a lot with kids, right? - having to learn and learn again.

Night One:
2:30am. 45 minutes on the dot. Hm.. one full sleep cycle. Interesting. I listened to Fernando Ortega turned up too high on my iPod. John had to use ear plugs. But we made it. Her crying was a little off and on until the end when it got more persistent. Those 9 month olds know what's up and she wasn't too happy about it.

Night Two:
Hallelujah! 12:30am. 5 minutes of crying and then she didn't wake up again until the morning. Another praise was Z didn't wake up that night either. Yeah! Six consecutive hours of sleep!

Night Three:
Another small wakeup for just a few minutes. Yeah!

I'm going to take a moment of self-congratulation and just say that I think my hard work in training Harper up until this point allowed her to more quickly get back on track with sleeping through the night. Sometimes it's hard to see the result of the work I do each day, so I'm thankful for this very tangible success. Also, it reminds me how quickly things can change and just when you think a particular struggle isn't going to end, it does. Hm. That sounds familiar. I guess I needed a little re-training too.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Z 3


Big Boy Z is three years old today! Weird to think back to that surprise Sunday when Z came one month early. We had NO idea what we were in for... in so many delightful and challenging ways.

Z is really growing up in so many ways. We can see how he has changed even in the last six months. He's talking up a storm and likes to point out things he sees- Mixer, mama! Struck-shun site not working, mama! After seeing a big wall built around the Storybook ride at Disneyland he is obsessed with construction and building things. Every morning he moves all of his trucks and big toys onto Mama and Papa's bed and builds a wall around the "whale." We've taught him to be a good foreman, putting safety first (watching the edge of the bed) and giving his construction workers breaks (for lunch and naps). At the end of the day he moves the construction site to another location in the house (since Mama and Papa need our bed to sleep). He is super excited to go to Disneyland tonight because last time we were there they told us the Storybook ride would be open today.

Z is starting to really enjoy music and singing now. They have a music time at preschool on Thursdays and he comes home wanting to play his guitar (his lawnmower turned sideways). He can sing two songs with all of the words, the Alphabet song and the Wonder Pets song, and a few others with some humming mixed in. When Harper cries I taught Z to sing to her rather than making loud roaring sounds. He very sweetly sings A, B, C, D...like it's a lullaby. It is so cute.

Z still loves gardeners, construction trucks, garbage trucks, dinosaurs and trains. And Curious George. He has learned to ask to watch George rather than just turning the TV on: "Okay watch some George now, Mama?" I also still really enjoy Curious George. The things that make him laugh the most are: jumpy squirrel on Curious George, getting tickled, the "hot-hot-hot" game with Uncle David and playing crash with Papa.

Z's potty training is still a bit of a challenge, but he has come a long way. We've gotten into a routine of when he goes and he has no problem going pee. We still struggle pretty much every time with the poo. We still use a kid potty for poops because he is more comfortable on them and can do it all on his own with some privacy in his room. He still gets dinosaur treats ("fruit" snacks shaped like dinosaurs) for going poo in the potty.

Z's sleep at night is about the same. He still wakes up once or twice on most nights. Just this last week he woke up really upset because he said he needed to brush his teeth. I shuffled back to bed and John helped him through it by taking him to the bathroom to brush his teeth. Once John flipped the light on, Z realized he didn't have a clue why he wanted to brush his teeth and he went back to bed.

Besides the waking up in the middle of the night, there has been a huge improvement in his going to bed and staying in bed. We had been disciplining him over and over for months and months about getting out of bed when we put him to bed at night. It really seemed like nothing would ever work. I guess consistency and time won the day. We told him one night that he could have a treat if he stayed in bed (a tactic we tried before that didn't work). This time it worked! He worked really hard to stay in bed even though he didn't fall asleep right away. And he got a treat. He has been doing it pretty much every night for a couple of weeks now. What a huge difference for John and I! Praise the Lord!

Overall Z is super imaginative and creative. Almost any toy can be turned into something he likes (lawnmower, edger, router, etc.). He'll take one small thing from something like a book or a Curious George episode and build a whole world out of it. We have spent an hour on a walk looking for the Rankins' silo (farmers on Curious George). If I didn't watch the show with him, I would have no idea what he was saying when he said, "It's the wrong siwo!" Or the other day in the bath when he told me he had found the satewite (satellite). Yes, another Curious George episode. Hilarious!

Z is a really sweet, fun-loving kid. We are so thankful for his health and growth over the last three years.
Happy Birthday, big Z!

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Ask For Help

Just coming out of a week or so of physical and emotional breakdown on the level of post partum week 8-10. The trouble was that I didn't have a recent delivery and a newborn to help me realize I needed to ask for help. I've been struggling for months with interrupted sleep- mostly from Z who is still waking up 1-2 times every night. Then we got sick and Harper started waking up all the time at night. Somehow I still hobbled along expecting to still do laundry, make dinners, do something fun with the kids and so on until I reached my breaking point on Monday.

The best kind of friend listened to me cry on the phone and prayed with me and then convinced me to call John and tell him I needed help. He was able to leave work and come home to help. He was actually surprised since he thought I was fine when he left that morning. I had kept the tears back until I shut the door. John took the kids out twice so I could sleep some. Since he was home "to help," we were able to communicate better about what I needed. He had been around all weekend and I had never told him what I needed him to do to help me.

This has been a huge learning experience for me. Not just about recognizing my signs for help (for example, when I cry about lumpy mashed potatoes?), but communicating my need to John. I'm not sure why I think I have to be brave and strong and I can't ask for help. I was especially obtuse about it considering my history for mental disintegration when sleep deprived. But perhaps I can blame that on the lack of sleep. Or maybe it's just pride, pure and simple. I am so much harder on myself than I would ever be on a friend. Thank God for friends who can mirror you back to yourself and help you to see things how they really are.

Thank you, M, for your tangible, real friendship that reached me even through the phone. Love.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Some Words to Help

I found these verses helpful this morning after another night in a long series of nights without much sleep.
Psalm 62 (excerpts)
1 My soul finds rest in God alone;
my salvation comes from him.
2 He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.
...

5 Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from him.
6 He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
7 My salvation and my honor depend on God;
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.

8 Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.
Selah
...

11 One thing God has spoken,
two things have I heard:
that you, O God, are strong,
12 and that you, O Lord, are loving.
...

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

All Grows Up

It was a winding road that led us here, but Z started preschool!

His November birthday means he's either very young for his grade or older for his grade, so I'm pretty sure I'll be keeping him back so that he'll be older. That means that now that he is almost three, he'll have three years of preschool before starting Kindergarten. That seemed like so much that I originally thought I wouldn't put him in it this year. Praise God, things change!

First I thought I would do a structured play group with some friends. We would meet twice a week and take turns organizing something for the kids. That didn't pan out. (And I'm glad it didn't because it would have been a lot of work!)

Then, I signed up for a co-op "preschool" that meets at a park near our house. It seemed like a great combination of an outdoor environment with opportunity for playing with other kids and some project and learning times for development. I was required to work one day a week and then Z was able to go any of the five days of the week. It was very inexpensive but they make money by doing fundraisers and things like that. I thought it would be a great way to give him some structure and be able to participate myself. In the end, it wasn't for us.

First I started to call it a "play group" instead of preschool because I didn't want Z to get the wrong idea. It was mostly organized with play time, project time, snack, etc. However, there were so many kids (35-40) that it was like herding cats to get all the kids to participate. So, I thought, okay, I'll think of it as an opportunity to play with other kids only. But Z is not an out-going kid and really has to be drawn in personally to participate. He played happily by himself in the sand (lots of great sand toys) and only participated at snack time. I didn't like how it felt so anonymous. No one knew his name and no one was able to take the time to involve him. And then there was the amount of work for me personally. Working one day a week was pretty tiring and it was hard to balance Harper's needs on that day. And there were meetings and fund-raisers and social events.... I couldn't help feeling that I would always work way harder than what we were getting out of it. I called it the Costco of preschools. It was very inexpensive, but it was a lot of work and very mass-produced.

So, I don't want to bash co-ops, because they are all different and can be great depending on your needs. However, I'm glad it didn't work out because it made me research preschools and enroll Z this year. He's been going three weeks and he really likes it. There are only 10 kids and the teacher knows his name (of course! just pointing out the differences). I think the late start was actually a blessing because I didn't have preschool on my brain while potty-training Z. As if we needed any more pressure in that realm!

I'm just so thankful how God stepped me through this to end up here. I'm really pleased with it. The step-by-step to getting there was actually less stressful for me. By the time I started looking there were less choices which was a good thing for me! I'm amazed at how God cares about these things in our lives and guides us through it. And Z is amazed at his backpack!

Monday, November 2, 2009

Every Day is A Hard Day

I find myself saying, "this was a hard day," a lot. And I think every day that is like that I think that it was the hardest day yet. And then another day comes along to top it. And it is relative. One child is sick with a cold so you can't do any of your planned Halloween activities is hard. And then you get sick too. And then the baby gets sick. The baby suddenly waking up at 2 and 4am is hard (teething) and then the baby gets sick and wakes up even more than that, and what's worse is you can't sleep because you can't breathe through your nose and your throat hurts...

Blah, blah, blah...No need to elaborate. You all know what I'm talking about. But I'll summarize by saying it's been a tough few days here. Everyone is feeling better, but that didn't keep me from losing it with Z this afternoon in a power struggle over his tools, which I took away because he played with them during his nap time. I'm so ashamed when I lose my temper with him. Especially when it is physical and I spank him when I am upset. I asked Z to forgive me for getting angry and he said sorry for throwing a "tantum." And I know when he gets up from his nap (he's in there sleeping now) I'll love him just as I always have. Isn't that what God does? Isn't there nothing that can separate us from the love of Christ (Romans 8:35)? Even ourselves (1 John 3:20)? Yet I struggle to let go of my sin and move on. In reality, I doubt that God really does forgive me. And if He can't forgive me what hope is there of me truly forgiving Z?

If Z were to ask me, "Do you fo-give me, Mama?" would I ever not? Of course not! (I might hold a grudge for a little bit, but eventually I would- really, I would. Yes, I'm working on that too.) Don't I tell Z that I love him no matter what? Then how much more will the Creator of the Universe, the Prince of Peace, the Lamb of God forgive me?

And if I keep praying for God to fill me with His Spirit so that maybe next time I won't lose control and get angry...
"Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!"Luke 11:10-14

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Remind Me Why We Do This?

Z, Harper and I went to the pumpkin patch today. We went last year and had a really fantastic time. This year didn't live up to my expectations, to say the least. Z was whiney. Harper wouldn't smile for pictures or eat her lunch. It was hotter than I expected and I think my face got a sunburn. Z was a typical bipolar two-year-old, wanting to go on a ride and then crying to get off as soon as I got him buckled in. We went through that routine four or five times. He even did it with the choo choo that he LOVED last year. And last year I remember feeling a calm acceptance to his interactions with farm animals in the petting zoo. This year all I could think about was the fecal matter strewn through the hay that he persisted in picking up and playing with.

And then, for the grand finale, when I finally decided we needed to leave because both kids were starting to meltdown and it appeared we would popcorn between rides and Z's indecision indefinitely, Z had a gigantic tantrum. At several points I had to pick him up and carry him while steering the stroller with one hand. At one point I was dragging him on gravel parking lot hoping the knees in his new jeans wouldn't get a hole. At one point I lost my temper. Okay, at several points. Somewhere between the knee dragging and an angry spanking between parked cars, one of the friends who we met at the pumpkin patch drove by and rolled down her window. She said, "Remind me why we do this?"

Why do we do this? Why? That question has been rolling around in my head for a long, long time. It comes up almost every Sunday when the disruption to schedule seem an insurmountable stumbling block. It comes up almost every week when we go to my Mom's house for dinner and don't get home until after bedtime. It comes up every time I've ever gone to Disneyland. The thing is, the question usually doesn't come up until you're on your way home. When you're there, wherever there is, there are moments of joy. Sometimes it's just the moment of boredom we avoided by getting out of the house. Sometimes it's a surprisingly delightful story I'll write down in my journal of motherhood memory-keeping. And, true, there are times that the outing is a complete disaster. But I still pack up all my bags and forget the wipes (again) just for the chance that a wonderful moment will be had. Without some risk there is no gain.

It's like with surfing. There are lots of times (not so many recently for me) the getting up early, going into the cold water, fighting the crowds and so on really doesn't pan out. Maybe I'll catch one wave and I'll spend the rest of the time pissed about the wave-hog nearby. But when it does work, and I have caught that really nice wave, it makes me want to spend the rest of my life trying to get it again. There's no guarantee that this time will be the best, but hope springs eternal, right?

I guess my answer to the question my friend asked is this: we hope. We hope it will be fun. We hope we'll see our kids' smiles. We hope we'll have an interesting story to tell our husbands or a friend. We hope we'll catch a photo that will live framed in our house when our grandkids come over one day. We hope our kids will learn and grow by experiencing new things. We hope that at some point we'll forget the tantrum on the way home and we'll just remember the special time in a new, or perhaps our favorite, place. (And the photo we got will help with the selective amnesia because, don't know about you, but I don't ever get a picture of the tantrum after the event.)

So to all my fellow mothers who trudge out into the experiment of life with your little random behavior generators, here's to the hope that the next time will be better than the last.



Tuesday, October 13, 2009

About Having Two Kids

Now that I have a little (emphasis on little) perspective on having two kids...

During Pregnancy
It's in a mother's nature to feel guilty, but that guilt takes on all kinds of new dimensions when she is pregnant with child number two. "I'm not as excited about the second child as I was with the first." "What if I don't love the second one as much as the first." "I am neglecting my first because I'm too exhausted and nauseous and pregnant." "If I can't even handle one while I'm pregnant, how am I going to handle two?" "I'm hormonal and have zero patience for my first." "I'm not eating as well as I did with my first; not gaining weight like I did with my first; gaining more weight than I did with my first..."

I recommend you give a little talk to your second child in utero. The talk goes something like this:

You are our second child. We will love you just as much as our first, but that love might look a little different. We won't have as many pictures of you. We won't have a video of your ultrasounds. We won't force people to watch said video of your ultrasound. We won't hop to your every whimper and vibrate with anxiety at your smallest cough. We won't obsess over every indicator of personality (He seems so persistent with that rattle! Oh, boy, he's going to be stubborn like his Dad.) because we know, soon enough, we'll see it in all its two-year old glory. You are likely to have a few more cuts and bruises earlier on than your sibling, either inflicted by your sibling or occurring while we are distracted with your sibling, but your head won't be lopsided like your sibling's because your newbie parents didn't know to rotate the little melon. And, hey, more up-side to being the second: we will not expect you to be perfect (our delusions of that goal long-ago broken by your older sibling). We will not fret over every mess and nick you make to our house (it has long since been smeared and scratched into submission). You will probably get away with more, either because we're too busy to notice or because you will have learned how to be sneaky far too young from your older sibling.

This whole speech is similar to the discussion you've had with friends about how the love in your marriage after x-many years is more comfortable and soothing than what it was when you were just dating or newlywed. There is a thrill to dating (and the first child) that I loved. There were times I couldn't stop myself from smiling with the exhilaration and happiness of it all. But, there was also a lot of anxiety and hard work in figuring it all out. I love the security and ease after 11 years of marriage and the more confident, easy-going mothering of a second child. Both experiences are great. They are just different.

Post Partum
The second child is here and you begin the adjustment. Life is not the same (again). But there is a lot that doesn't change, like your toddler's tantrums. No, just teasing (sort of). What I mean is that once you have a routine of having a kid, a second can fit right in (with some adjustment, of course). After making the change from working full time to being a stay-at-home mom with the first child, I didn't have the same rock-my-world-grief-over-the-life-I-used-to-live with the second. And, since you have an older child who is burning holes in the carpet running in circles, you have to get out of the house a little more than you probably did with the first. This is a good thing. Sure, the naps will suffer and child number two will probably get sick more, but he/she will be more resilient because of it.

There are lots of great things about having two kids instead of one (if only to avoid the only child situation- no offense to the only children out there, I'm sure you turned out lovely). I'm told that the kids will eventually play together. I'm only starting to get a glimpse of this as "playing" still consists of Z knocking Harper over. However, already Harper laughs for Z like she won't for anyone else. Now, I hope you won't feel I'm overly negative here, but I do want to prepare you for a highly possible scenario when the second child comes: you will no longer like your first child.

Okay, don't panic. I said you will no longer like your first child. You will absolutely still love him or her. And before you get too worried, this feeling does go away. But let me express this in a speech to make to your first child - while you are on a walk by yourself with no one around to witness it:

You are the first child. You were God's gift to mankind for a long time. The entire family doted and ah'ed and obsessively swapped out screen-saver pictures of you every day. But things are going to change a little because everyone, and I mean everyone, likes a sweet, dimpled baby better than an opinionated toddler. Don't get me wrong. In the fun department, on a good day, you are way more fun than a baby. And you probably don't cry as much. But all it takes is a few power struggles over vegetables, or a television show, or the dinosaur pajamas ("nyooooooo...not wee-ooo....me want roars!") and most people will offer to change the baby's diaper instead. What I'm saying is that between an averagely content baby and an averagely ornery toddler, you, the toddler, are gonna lose. So, don't be surprised if your sleep-deprived mother loses her temper a little bit more than usual. And please be patient with me when I get extremely upset about what you thought was a perfectly reasonable power tool noise that just happened to wake up the baby. I promise that it will get better and, no matter how much I wish a relative would just come pick you up and take you to the park for an hour, or a week, that I love you very, very much. You, my first, will always have a special hold on my heart. And we will always have more pictures of you than your sibling.

So, get that speech out. Admit it. Own it. And then let it go. Stop the comparisons, stop the if-only's. Love your toddler as a toddler. Love your baby as a baby. Decide to put the toddler to bed and let your spouse put the baby to bed. Connect to your toddler in the moments that you love (for me, that is reading before bedtime). And enjoy your baby even when your toddler is watching and will likely misbehave the second you make one cooing sound at your baby. Love them. Love them both for who they are in this moment and never wish to change it.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

How to Find Joy Even While Picking Up Poop Off the Floor

I've been spending a good amount of time lately talking with friends and mentors about this. How to choose to be joyful amidst the trials of every day life. Amidst the tedious sameness of each day or the relentlessness of little ones needing me. Or the feeling of hopelessness during yet another tantrum and that question that haunts me: is it ever going to get better? And today, my own personal thorn in the flesh: cleaning up poo that has been stepped in and tracked all over the floor. For some reason, picking up feces seems to be particularly defeating. It makes me want to cry and scream and give up. Without going into psycho-analysis of why poo-cleaning is so hard on me, let me just talk about what I've been learning from some others who are wiser than me about this subject of joy.

First, I've been learning from a study on the fruit of the Spirit that joy is an action (not a feeling), just like love is. It is not a feeling that comes and goes, but an active decision to be joyful independent of circumstances. And, as long as I've know how hard that can be, I'm also finally really understanding that such joy is only possible through the Holy Spirit dwelling in me. No amount of positive thinking or slow breathing will bring me genuine joy. So, I've been praying a lot more than in the past for the Lord to fill me with His Spirit and to empty me of the sinful reactions of my own heart.

Second, recognizing that the Spirit is working in me, I can still work on my attitude during difficult situations. I can remember the true inspiration for joy- that Jesus Christ died for me and I am a new creation in Him. In the biggest picture of all, I am saved. My fate is sealed - in the most beautiful and sacrificial way - to be with God forever. In that big picture, these trials are the slightest breath of time.

Also, I can choose to be thankful. There is no shortage of reasons to thank God, if only I would stop and notice. One of the most obvious reasons to be thankful is the very people bringing me so much challenge: my kids. The two beautiful children God gave to me. Me. No one else. They are for me to raise; I am their mother. Having them brings a lot of messes (on every level- physical, emotional, spiritual), but life without them is poorer. A friend shared this proverb with me: "Where there are no oxen, the manger is empty, but from the strength of an ox comes an abundant harvest." Proverbs 14:4. Without the oxen, the manger will be sparkling clean and there will be less work. But without the oxen there is less fruit, less harvest, less growth. That's less growth for me, because I know God is using this time to refine me and bring me closer to Him. And that's less harvest in the two little people who will go out and contribute to others and bring glory to God.

And, to quote a book I love (and just read again recently), The Life of Pi: "At moments of wonder, it is easy to avoid small thinking, to entertain thoughts that span the universe, that capture both thunder and tinkle, thick and thin, the near and the far." My moment of wonder is that God saved me. So, let me avoid small thinking and entertain thoughts that span God's infinite grace and the smear of poo on the carpet.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Toddler Snacks

I thought I would write down some more ideas for toddler food. This time, toddler snacks we couldn't live without. A lot of these are for toddlers on the older side; sorry, I'm forgetting what I used to feed Z. Also, I'm mostly writing down some things that perhaps aren't typical. I assume you all know snacks like fresh fruit or cheese and crackers. :)

> Freeze-dried fruit at Trader Joe's (TJ's). Blueberries, strawberries, banana, mango. They are a little expensive, but they're a great snack for when you're out and don't want to bring along messy fresh fruit. Z likes the blueberries in his yogurt.
> Apple Carrot Fruit Sauce Crushers (TJ's). Apple sauce with carrot in a portable foil juice-box type container with a screw-top. Z just likes to squeeze it and suck the stuff out. I'm not sure he really likes the contents all that much. But a good way to get some veggie in your kid.
> Peanut butter. Okay, maybe this is an obvious one. We love it on everything: crackers, bread, apples. Straight off the spoon. And for those who can't have peanut butter, try sunflower seed butter. It's pretty close to PB.
> String cheese, american cheese by the slice, cheese melted on veggies, beans, meat. Cheese makes everything better!
> Cereal for eating by hand: Kix (almost indestructable, but they do roll), Cheerios, Crispix, Chex
> Pretzels sticks- the big ones. I like the Rold Gold Honey Wheat ones or the Trader Joe's Honey Wheat ones. These are fun to dip in peanut butter and then "fish" for raisins.

For the bowel movement challenged (constipated):
> Ezekiel bread (we like the raisin cinnamon)- lots of fiber and yummy toasted with cream cheese
> Fiberful Ends & Pieces (Trader Joe's)- the leftover bits of fruit leather. Has a lot of sugar (fruit sugar), but lot's of fiber, too.
> Cinnamon Oat Bran Swirls (Trader Joe's)- I told Z they were cookies (really just a sweet-ish cereal). Again, for the fiber.
> Prunes. I was surprised Z ate them, but they are sweet and delicious!
> Miralax. When all else fails. Soluble, mild laxative that dissolves in anything and is tasteless. Consult your pediatrician first.

Again, I would love to hear ideas from other moms!

Monday, September 14, 2009

Toddler Food

Even after getting through the introduction of solids, the challenges with food continue. There was a long time with Z (maybe a year?) when I could feed him almost anything. His biggest turn-off was always texture. If I could get the right texture or disguise it enough, he would eat it. I would cook and chop up kale and blend it into other things and he would eat it. Kale. Really. I also fed him plain yogurt with wheat germ and tahini mixed in for his lunch every day. Wow, those were the days! :)

I based Z's first year of food on the book Super Baby Food. There are a lot of things I really liked about this book, but let me say it is not for the faint of heart. If you are overwhelmed by solids, don't start here. If you feel like you want lots of information and want a PLAN for the nutrition of your child, pick it up. I found the book extremely helpful for coming up with ideas of what to try and when. It has a chapter for each month and charts that show the different kinds of food to give for a balanced diet (one leafy green veggie, one orange veggie, one citrus/vitamin C, etc.). It has an appendix listing fruits and vegetables and how to pick them, cook them, store them. It's premise is that you are making most of the food for your baby, but it has lots of helpful information besides that.

Much of the good nutrition Z had in his first couple years of life is due to Super Baby Food. I am a picky eater. It is hard to make your child eat stuff you would never eat. But having the lists of things to try and some good recipes in the back helped me overcome myself. The kale, tahini, wheat germ? Papaya, avocado, kiwi? I would have never thought to give those things to Z. Like I said, I'm a picky eater.

So, anyway, after conquering that first year or so, just when I started to feel good about myself because my kid ate kale (did I mention Z ate kale?), Z started to get more discriminating in his tastes. And there was no rhyme or reason to it that I could tell. One day pasta was the best thing ever. The next day he wouldn't even put pasta in his mouth. The cornucopia of vegetables dwindled to store-bought baby food peas. It started to be a real challenge just to figure out what to feed Z every day. And by this point he was wanting to feed himself, so I was looking for healthy finger foods also (it takes A LOT of puffs to fill up a toddler, dang it).

Then one day I found...

Gotcha. I have no answer. I found no book that solved it all. It was just trial and error. It took a lot of try and try again. I kept lists of snack ideas and, even if Z refused something once, I would try it again another time. So here are some tips on feeding a toddler:

1. Try & Try Again. Don't just offer something once. Try it several days in a row; then, if still no luck, try it in a week or so.
2. Get Them Excited to Eat With You. Give your child one thing they like and then have them try something new that you are eating. We made a big deal that Z was eating the same thing we were eating. Sometimes this worked.
3. Avoid a Battle of Wills. This was a big one for Z. If I showed a strong desire for him to try something his spidey senses would take over and his mouth would snap shut. If I nonchalantly offered something, he would try it and sometimes even keep eating it.
4. Keep them Hungry. Keep snacks between meals to a minimum. This is easier said than done. It was hard for me to not feed him when he said he wanted something. But it's amazing how a cracker here, some apple there can really add up. Of course he's not going to eat broccoli at dinner when he's really not that hungry to start with.
5. Limit Where (not just when) Snack are Eaten. One of the best rules I ever made for my own sanity was that snacks are only eaten at the dining table. Sometime when I was exhausted and pregnant I started to let Z eat in front of the TV. It's true what they say about mindless eating in front of the television. And besides that, the mess was infuriating. The last thing a pregnant woman wants to do is bend down to pick up munched cereal off the floor. Besides the mess, however, limiting where Z could eat snacks meant he was less interested in eating. If eating a snack meant he had to sit at the table, he managed to do without the snack.
6. Keep A List. I mentioned this above: keep a list of snacks and foods to try. Keep the list even of the things he didn't like. So many times I gave in to crackers for lack of inspiration. Having a list helped me keep a variety of things and cut down on the brainpower required at each meal. So, here is my list- perhaps it will help you. Remember to try the same thing presented differently: cooked carrot, raw carrot, carrot mixed with peas, etc.

SNACKS/FOODS to try for a toddler:
> tortilla with beans and cheese (like a quesadilla), beans and cheese with a tortilla on the side (the wheat ones are good), tortilla with turkey meat and cheese
> pasta (orzo is a good start, then move on to more interesting shapes like fusilli) with tomato sauce, ground turkey and zucchini (cut up very small so less detectable). Substitute other types of meat and veggies. Gnocchi was a big hit with Z. And I get the multigrain pasta (only Barilla is edible in my opinion).
> -balls: meat balls, sweet potato balls, pea balls, peanut butter balls. You can make just about anything into a fun finger food with a little bread crumb and egg white. The back of Super Baby Food has a lot of recipes for those.
> Toast with turkey and cheese (I had to chop up the turkey so that Z wouldn't peel the entire turkey layer off and eat just the cheese). Pita with turkey and cheese. English muffin with turkey and cheese.
> Healthy raisin bread (like the Ezekiel brand) with cream cheese
> Mashed potatoes with roasted or baked chicken and broccoli or peas. Mix it all together and they might just eat it all.
> Mild chili- black beans, corn, petite cut diced tomato, ground turkey. Make it very thick and hearty and it's easy for them to spoon in.
> Yogurt with stuff mixed in: fruit, wheat germ, tahini. Yogurt and wheat germ make a complete protein. Tahini is a great healthy fat.

I'll try to think of some more... but I actually lost my list. :) I would love to hear ideas from other Mom's too!

Tips for Starting Baby on Solids

Harper is 7 months old now. I delayed starting her on solids because I just wasn't ready for one more thing to do. But then I noticed she was really breastfeeding vigorously and sometimes she didn't seem satisfied. Then, she started waking up more from naps and such, so I decided it was time. I started her about a week ago. The first few days were very slow going. She pushed her tongue out a lot and didn't really know what to do. I had to kind of shove the spoon into her mouth. Then, suddenly, on the third day, it just clicked. Pop! She opened her mouth like a little hungry birdy. (So cute!) I am shocked at how much she is eating already (probably around 2 tablespoons of dry rice cereal and then I add formula to make it a good semi-runny consistency).

I think it really helped make things easier by waiting until she was a little older. With Z, eager to follow what the books say, I started him on the day he turned six months old. He was a little slower in most developmental milestones (sitting up, crawling, etc.) so now I can see that if I had waited a little longer he might have caught on more quickly. He had more trouble with gagging; I had to get the consistency just right for him. So far, Harper has gagged only a couple of times when I made the cereal a little too thick.

Anyway, I thought I would use Harper's solids milestone as an opportunity to write down some of my tips for new Moms just starting baby on solids.

1. Breast, cereal, breast? Breast, wait an hour, cereal? I spent quite a bit of brain power on when I should feed Z his cereal. It seemed like every book said something different (as usual, right?). There are lots of good reasons to do it just about every possible way. I'll just share what I decided. For Z: For the first week or so, I fed him on one breast, then did cereal, then finished with other breast. I wanted to make sure he was hungry but not starving. After I was confident that he was interested in the cereal, I just fed him at the breast (both sides) then did the cereal. It was just a heck of a lot easier that way. Also, the breast milk or formula is the number one priority for babies, so I wanted to be sure he was getting enough of that. For Harper: I feed her as usual (both sides), then when I can get to it, I sit her down to eat her cereal. This is usually about forty-five minutes to an hour after she breastfeeds. I would rather get it a little closer to when I feed her, but that's breakfast or lunch time and I'm busy getting everyone else fed. I haven't noticed any decline in her appetite for the next feeding, so I'll stick with it for now. There is the potential that the baby will get used to eating more often rather than being able to eat enough to wait for the next feeding (for us, four hours later).

2. Do not view solids as a nutritional necessity. As soon as I started with the solids I started getting really anxious about Z getting enough and getting the right variety of things. Although solids do add all kinds of great nutrients to your child's diet, they really don't need it. A child can get everything they need from breastmilk or formula for the first year of life (isn't that amazing!?). Everything else is icing on the breast, er, cake. The solids do give them extra calories, so you will likely see a change in consumption of breastmilk/formula, however don't stress about how much of the solids they are eating. Follow the guidelines for how much they should be drinking of breastmilk or formula, and then give them solids to their heart's desire. Babies don't overeat. Really. They will stop when they are full; just be sure not to feed them so fast that they don't register their fullness soon enough. Be aware of their signs for "all done," such as turning away, closing their mouth, getting restless or whiney.

3. Do view solids as a developmental exercise.
Just think of all the things your baby is learning... sitting up at a table, opening her mouth for the spoon, mushing things in her mouth, swallowing (without sucking). That's just the physical stuff.... Then you can start to teach her table manners - no grabbing the bowl/spoon/bib, no throwing food, no tantrums, no rubbing food in hair. At first I taught Z those things just by guiding his hands and saying no. Eventually, when he was bigger and more insistent, I flicked his hands as a physical conditioning to go with the "no" that I'm saying. The hand thumps are a type of repetitive conditioning training (like you might do with a dog- I know, bad analogy, sorry). The child has to learn what you expect, but it is not a matter of right and wrong or disobedience. With all of these things your baby is learning, be patient with them!

4. Don't, I repeat, DON'T clean up until you're really done.
Get ready for a mess. All the training in the world won't stop your baby from smearing peas in her hair again. The most gigantic bib in the world won't prevent her from lifting the sweet potato sodden cloth and dumping it on her arms and the floor. Absolutely don't bother to really clean up until the spoon is retired from active duty. I still struggle with this. I obsessively clean up mid-meal and then get frustrated when there is more mess to clean. Don't do it! Save your wipes, your knees, your sanity. When baby is done, wipe her first (hands then mouth then hair, as the case may be), give her a toy and then, only then, proceed to the table and floor.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Two Kids One Room... Finally

It's been a month since I started working on getting both kids into one room. We successfully worked through Harper's early morning wake-up and got rid of the pacifier and swaddle. Everything was "ready" except for me. I just kept delaying putting her in the kid's room for the night. I kind of wonder at what point I would have finally done it.... but circumstances intervened and our friends picked up the bassinet for their little one who is due very soon.

So, it has been about five nights with both kids sleeping in one room at night. Harper takes her naps in a portable crib in our room during the day. And then, after her 10:30pm feeding I just lay her down in the kids' room. Z is already asleep and he hasn't woken up from that yet.

I am so extremely thankful that Z is sleeping better at night now. I keep meaning to write about it, but it has been two or maybe three weeks of solid night-sleeping for him (with only a couple of exceptions). John offered to take over the wake-ups (which meant that I stayed in bed, adrenaline pumping from the abrupt wake-up, while he very leisurely, if at all, got up to take care of Z). I honestly think that John's delay in going to him is what helped. And John taking the responsibility, which meant I had to stay in bed, helped me not rush in as well. And perhaps Z also just got through the phase, I don't know. All I can say is that it has helped so much! I am SO thankful. Yet another example of how things change even when you think they never will. That phase was really rough and lasted almost a year!

With both kids in one room, the only problem really has been that Harper wakes up a little early still (6:45am) and plays and coos. She is not very loud, but it's enough at that time of the morning to wake Z up. A few times he has just remained awake and plays in his room and a couple times he went back to sleep. This morning he woke up really upset at 6am (I think because he had to pee) and when I put him back in bed he said he didn't want Harper in his room. I wanted to say- well, you're the one who woke her up! But that has been the biggest problem so far. I ended up feeding Harper early and putting her in the port-a-crib in our room. She is so sweet and just plays and barely makes any noise, but that was pretty much the end of my sleep. Really, though, it could be worse. (It could always be worse.)

At least when Z gets up early he still stays in his room. We've always had to reinforce the rule for Z to stay in his room in the morning until we come and get him. I am so glad we did. He still has to be reminded almost every day, but at least it is usually less of a fight. What a huge difference that 7-8am hour makes in my life! I feed Harper, pump, take a shower (sometimes), get breakfast ready. It takes me a while to wake up so that hour really helps.

Looking back on the last month or so, I realize how much we've accomplished. Here I am at the point of having both kids in one room, which was very high on my list of worries for having two kids. And it's fine! We worked hard to get to this point with the least amount of difficulty and we made it!

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Poo-servering, Barely

Day 7 of potty training. Yesterday was really hard and I seriously started contemplating giving up. I'm still telling Z when to go, so there were no potty accidents yesterday. Instead there was a total of, I kid you not, 10 poo accidents. All afternoon, he kept going a little in his underwear and then wasn't able to go on the toilet. Mess after mess after mess. Poo everywhere. On the toilet, on the kiddie toilet seat, on the floor on his shoes, on his foot, legs and hands. In the bathtub (twice). It is extremely difficult to be patient at a time like that. I tried really hard to stay calm but I didn't always succeed. I cried three or four times, but tried to hide it from Z. He found me anyway and said, "Okay, Mama." (I don't think he understood what I was crying about; he had already moved on.) By the fifth poo clean-up, John was home and I had put a pull-up on Z. I figured at least then I wouldn't have another pair of underwear to scrub.

After dinner I went out to a ladies thing and had a chance to talk to a few other moms about it. They gave me some great ideas like getting him a special book for reading on the potty just when he goes poo. And making the prize for number two something he really wants. And making Z help with the poo clean-up, at least putting his dirty underwear into the toilet to rinse. (This is supposed to really gross them out so they don't want an accident again. Z doesn't seem bothered about the poo all over. Really? Surely a loathing of your own feces is an inherent human trait?) Also, I got out the little potty for him and told him he could use it just for poo since it is much easier to get on and off and puts his legs in a more comfortable position. We'll see if he wants to use it.

So, when I got home last night, I felt a little more hopeful and had some more ideas to try. And then, (hope upon hope!) John gave me the update on the evening. Z did it! John also got to clean up poo five times, but Z finally went poo in the toilet! It turns out that he was constipated! Oh, man. I didn't think of that because it seemed like he had almost the opposite problem- lots of small soft poo's. So, Z was super proud of himself and told Papa that he gets dinosaur treats when he goes poo-poo. (This is past bedtime so Z had to wait until morning.) I think there is a different dynamic with Papa around. Maybe that will be John's job to help with the poo encouraging every night. Lucky him!

The next steps are just to keep working on Z knowing when he has to go himself. Today I started more indirect prompts and Z had an accident. I was actually kind of glad for the opportunity so he could learn. He's been going on autopilot for a while with me prompting him all the time. But I should report that we went to the grocery store this morning! When we passed the bathroom, I asked if he wanted to go. He was curious, of course, so he said he did want to go. And he actually did go in the toilet at the store. Again, a good learning opportunity, this time for both of us.

A friend last night told me to be patient and expect three weeks or so of really having to work on it (with the number two's). It's nice to have some rough idea in my head, because at my most tired and pessimistic, I was imagining him starting kindergarten and still unable to poo on the toilet. We're sticking with it. One day at a time, right? I plowed down the cleaning product aisle today and stocked up.

Monday, August 31, 2009

Potty Lifestyle Change

I've realized that it's not really about Potty School but a Potty Change in Lifestyle. Sure, the potty school kicked things off, but the day-to-day is the real test. After my last post, when Z had a good morning, the rest of the day was nothing but accidents. I continued to prompt and prod in the indirect ways the book states and Z continued to perfect the art of distraction until a panicked "I have to potty" announced already wet pants. For these accidents John got to share the load of the "Positive Practice," which amounts to dragging Z, crying and screaming, from various points in the house to the toilet and moving his hands to pull his pants down and up. Needless to say, this is not fun for anyone.

At the end of the day, with the prospect of church and a trip to John's parents' house the next day, John and I had a very tough heart to heart. I was emotionally drained from the day; I felt defeated and disappointed. I talked John out of throwing out the entire approach and we decided to just slow things down a little. We decided to skip church to work on the training at home in the morning and then go to his parents for lunch. Since we would have to drive in the car, we told him to go potty before we left and again when we got there. He had no problem going either time. It was nice to be with family, who all made a big deal about Z going in the potty. He was really excited and proud of himself.

The rest of the day we would just prompt him to go when it seemed about time. He told me he had to go before and after his nap, so that was encouraging that he was starting to feel it before it was too late. That night, when we got home, I gave him his diploma and told him he graduated from Potty School. He was pretty excited. Overall, we are all feeling more relaxed about it. I have adjusted my expectations to let him gradually work on his independence. He has already learned a ton- pulling his pants up and down, going in the potty, wiping the seat, flushing, washing his hands after. It is a lot to learn. I'm going to be mindful of allowing him to do as much as possible on his own and I think he will pretty naturally start to do the whole thing on his own. My fear that I will be telling him to go to the potty a year from now is really unrealistic. He is very independent and as soon as he gets it, I'm sure he'll want to do it

Once again, when teaching my child, I really learned more about myself than anything else. I have to be realistic and optimistic about what Z can do. I need to let go of my predetermined goals and work at Z's pace. I need to look at learning as a process, not a job to just get done. And, (oh, when will I really learn?) I will not allow a book to dictate what I call success for my child.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Potty School - Day 2

Yesterday was the longest day of my life composed of all my pet peeves as a Mom: trapped in the house all day (in 97-degree weather), confined to a small area, limited toys to play with, continual snack fixing and cleanup, lots of pee-pee and poo poo cleanup. Oh, and Z hopped up on sugary drinks and treats, bored and, at times, frustrated. Wow. Rough Day.

After a few good potties in the toilet early on, I jumped right to the last stage of training, where you no longer prompt the child to go to the potty. You simply continue to check their pants to see if they are dry every 15 minutes. Except I again jumped the gun and went to inspections every 45 minutes to an hour (the very last last step). Yeah, I guess I should have read the book (again) a little more closely. So after the initial success in the morning, the rest of the day was nothing but accidents. And our very first accident was a soft, smeary poo poo. Oh man. What a day.

That evening, after John got home, I had to run out on a quick errand (that couldn't be delayed). The entire time I'm re-thinking the strategy, thinking through what I wanted to change for day two, bummed at the apparent lack of success. Then, when I got home, I got the news that Z had gone to the toilet by himself and even for a number two! Holy cow. I thought all along that poos were going to be the last thing Z would get. When we tried earlier in the day, he fought me to even sit on the toilet (he goes pee standing up). I felt like crying with the relief and joy of it. Thankfully, John took a picture:



We put Z to bed with a pull-up and I thought through how we would continue day 2 of Potty School. I decided to make some changes. So this morning we started with the question prompt: "Z, do you need to use the potty?" and I kept up with the dry pants inspection every 15 minutes. I also decided he would only get sugary treats when he went potty in the toilet. I would give him salty snacks and drinks at the dry pants inspection to encourage more potty-ing. I also pulled out the big gun:
George. Why didn't I think of that yesterday? I told Z this morning that he would get to watch George as a reward when he went potty in the toilet. Bing! The lightbulb went on inside little Z's head!

He went potty the first time this morning after a pants inspection when I was telling him what he would get if he went potty in the toilet (candy and George). I then moved to just the dry pants question rather than any prompting. He went potty the second time by himself when I was checking his pants and I reminded him what he would get when he went potty in the toilet (candy and George). Now, for the next potty, he is going to get just the candy. I'll probably stick to candy the rest of today, with dry pants inspections less and less frequently. Then, tomorrow, I'll switch to dry pants inspections at set times of day (get up, before snacks, before we leave the house, before nap, etc.). I'll keep the candy as a motivator for more challenging circumstances like being at the store or outside perhaps. Then, that will phase out too.

Holy cow! What a difference from yesterday afternoon. I know there will be more accidents, and we still have to work on all of the steps (like leaving his underwear at his ankles rather than stepping out of them because then he needs my help to get them back on). But I'm so HUGELY encouraged that we are making progress!

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Potty School

It's been a year in the making...
Z is going to potty school tomorrow. No, this isn't a high-priced preschool for the toilet-challenged. It is a special day with just me and Z to focus on going potty in the potty. I've been working on the concepts of potty training for a while-- you know, a book here, comments there (Look at Papa go potty in the toilet!). But tomorrow is the day.

I'm using a book called "Toilet Training in Less Than a Day". The idea is that you spend an entire morning (or longer if needed) doing repeated practicing. You feed your child lots of treats and drinks to give them lots of opportunities to practice. It emphasizes building independence in the child so that the parent does not have to prompt the child to go potty. It's starts with a lot of hand holding and then, by the end of the training, they are initiating and doing it all themselves.

I decided to call it Potty School and I've been hyping it up to Z for a couple of weeks. He went with me to the store to pick out big boy underwear (he picked tighty-whitey's, I kid you not) and special snacks and treats. Harper will be with my Mom all day so that Z and I can focus entirely on potty training. I have a chart for checking for dry pants with glittery stars for each time he's dry. I even found a diploma and have told him when he learns everything he needs to learn he'll be graduating.

I'm really excited for this next big step for Z. He's getting so big!

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Respite

The rest of the week sans pacifier has gone pretty well. Thursday and Friday we were back to a busy schedule with more interrupted naps and such. Harper did really well with only one more really tough crying session. And she continues to do better in the morning waking up close to 7am. I am so thankful!!!

Now, taking a break from milestones and crying it out...

I am feeling better lately, which is such a relief after a few really hard weeks. I just re-read some of my blog entries from when Z was about 6 months and it reminded me how I didn't feel completely normal then either. I sort of forgot how much hormones and breastfeeding and being a Mom of an infant can really affect me physically and emotionally. Of course, the recent sleep interruptions from Z waking up in the middle of the night didn't help either. After a few big breakdowns when I finally told John how I was feeling, I felt much better. Amazing how just talking about it helps.

One of the results of those conversations with John was that I've been taking more time for myself lately. Since I've preached that gospel in the past, I'm surprised I've forgotten it, but here I am again. So I've been trying to get out without kids more often and schedule more time with friends. It has really helped. Harper is so easy-going that I convinced myself that time with just her was a break (as opposed to having both kids), but it's not the same. This is also true with date time with John; we thought if we go out with Harper it was like a date, but it's not. We really need time just the two of us. So we need to schedule that more often also.

John surprised me with a You-Survived-6-months present: a massage and day at the spa! This was a gift before I had breakdowns, but it is certainly timely. I'm going this Tuesday and John is taking the day off to watch the kids. I'm really excited. I'm hoping to take some time to reflect and give thanks. Six months is an accomplishment and there is so much to be thankful for.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Phase 2: No More Pacifier or Swaddle - Day 2 & 3

Now that I have enough data points... Here is how the Crying It Out looks for Phase 2: No More Pacifier or Swaddle:



You can see the overall crying has gone down and the amount of heavy crying has gone down. Note also that the very first nap was the hardest crying session by far. Thank goodness I didn't give up! Harper is definitely learning how to soothe herself and put herself to sleep. Even at the end of the nap she is waking up and kind of playing rather than crying.

It's funny how I had all kinds of expectations about going through this and there have been a lot of surprises. For one thing, I was expecting the sleep to be hardest at the start of a nap and, instead, it has been harder at the 45-minute intruder point. Also, I didn't think Harper's cries would be that bad and she proved me wrong. When she has cried the "heavy crying," it was enough to make me doubt everything. I'm thankful she has had enough meltdowns previously that I recognized the crying and knew that it wasn't a matter of physical pain or something like that. Her meltdowns in the past have been when she was tired and there was a "stranger" (you know, anyone except Mom) situation to throw her over the edge. Anyway, if she had been 100% angel baby (the kind that doesn't exist, i.e., never cries), this crying would have been very alarming.

So it has gotten better and I think we're almost through it. I can already see improvements in her sleeping since she has not woken up early two days in a row. That's a HUGE victory! (By the way, Z has also slept straight through two nights in a row and I'm starting to feel like a normal person.) I am so encouraged to see progress and growth.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Phase 2: No More Pacifier or Swaddle - Day 1

Some survival rules for this week:
> Keep busy during crying (Incidentally, this is much easier to do with two kids.)
> Get out of the house and have a little fun when both kids are awake (Today we went to the park and had a picnic lunch.)
> Use Curious George (on TV) when I need it
> Don't worry about making dinner every night, or other household chores that can wait
> Keep nap times consistent and give her the opportunity for a good nap, meaning I'm not going to expect her to fall asleep in the grocery cart and then transfer easily to bed. I'm trying to set her (and me) up for the most likelihood of success.

Today's results:
Overall, starting out was tough, but it got a little easier. Every nap that passes I just keep thinking I'm one step closer. Here are the details. For those who prefer the big picture, you can wait for the summary in a few days complete with metrics on Harper's progress. :)

1st nap: 6 minutes of crying and then some small whimpers. She busted right out of the blanket and when John peeked at her he said she seemed to be enjoying the freedom. Then we hit the 45-minute intruder. Harper cried a little from 9:30-9:45am and then she cried A LOT from 9:45-1035am. I went outside with Z and we vacuumed out the inside of my car. And it was still really, really hard. This was the kind of crying where she reaches the end of her register. Somewhere around 10:15 or so, I caved a little and went in and reswaddled her. Not sure if that helped or not.... Total crying: 1 hour, 5 minutes

2nd nap: A good start again. Harper went to sleep after 20 minutes of intermittent minor crying and fussing. But, oh boy, that *&^%*& 45-minute intruder. She woke up at 2:30pm and cried a little off and on until 2:37pm and then the crying got more frantic. About ten minutes of that and then the crying got worse: full register, not stopping much. But that lasted only 4 minutes or so. Total crying: 25 minutes

With 1st and 2nd nap, once she fell asleep again after the 45-minute intruder, I let her sleep past her normal time so she could get 45 minutes of sleep. Harper's second nap is during Z's nap, so I was afraid he would wake up early, but he didn't! Yeah!

3rd nap: Maybe ten minutes of minor crying and then she slept. No 45-minute intruder, praise the Lord.
Down for the night: Fussing on and off for 20 minutes or so.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Phase 2: No More Pacifier or Swaddle

It's been two weeks since I initiated Phase 1 (Stop Early Wake-Up) in my plan for getting the kids in one bedroom. Overall, things are much better and Harper isn't waking up (most days) at 5:30am. She is still waking up around 6:30am, so I have to keep working on that.

I've decided it's time to proceed to Phase 2: No More Pacifier or Swaddle. I've noticed more mid-nap wake-ups recently and I can see we're heading down the path of pacifier sleep disruption. I just re-read my posts from 2007 when I went through the same thing with Z and it helped strengthen my resolve. It also reminded me of how Z's cries were so much worse than Harper's are. It's never easy to hear your baby cry, but Z could have made a Nazi grimace. Seriously, I mean, someone called the cops on him, all right? I rest my case.

Anyway, I've been debating whether to go gradually with Harper or just cut it all out cold turkey. As for the pacifier, I'm going to stop cold turkey. It really is like an addiction where if I let myself use it even a little (just one drink), I can't stop there. However, for the swaddle, I've already started phasing it out by wrapping her more loosely and then using a stretchier blanket for an even easier swaddle. There have been a handful of naps where she got one or two arms out and did fine. So, starting tomorrow morning, I'm going to wrap her hands up by her chin as usual, but not tuck in the blanket around her torso. I'll see how that goes for a day, I think. If the pacifier withdrawal is really bad, I may step back to the very loose swaddle. I'm more concerned about getting rid of the pacifier than the swaddle for now. We'll see how it goes. Stay tuned. For the geeks out there, there is a high probability of charts being posted. (ooh....charts...)

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Harper Joy - 6 months

Harper is six months old! I can't believe it. I feel like these six months went a lot faster than the first six with Z. Perhaps having two kids will do that- make time go even quicker (although every day between 4 and 8pm I think they slow time down. hmm.).

Since all I've been doing is talking about Harper's early wake-up problem, this is a good time to revel in the delight of my little girl. She has continued to amaze me with her good-natured mellowness. She is still so easy to please: a small whine says she wants a change in scenery, a small cry means she wants to go to sleep. She's a great eater and hardly ever spits up (which after Z is a HUGE blessing for me). She sleeps really well (except for early morning problem, but we all know that, right?) and through almost anything (read: Z's tantrums).

Harper is super resilient and even when she misses a big chunk of her nap she still holds up pretty well. Besides five major meltdowns (the signs for which I have now narrowed down so I can avoid them in the future) she doesn't cry a lot. She has been flipped over twice in her infant seat and I found her hanging upside down with just her head on the floor and she barely cried. She is going to be tough with big brother Z around. :)

She loves to put her fingers in her mouth, especially backwards (holding her hand palm away from her and bending her fingers back into her mouth!). She laughs for her brother and her Obaachan (John's Mom) more than anyone. When she is lying in bed before going to sleep she'll kick her heels down into the bed or prop them up on the side of the bassinet. She likes to have her legs up a lot and wiggles around until she finds a spot to prop them up. She just got her depth perception and likes to look at her hands like she just discovered them again and they are blowing her mind.

We love you so much, Harper Joy.

Phase 1: Stop Early Wake-Up- Report 5

Oh boy, are you as sick of this as I am? This is going to be my last report on Phase 1.

Day 9: Harper woke up at 5:20am, cried until 6:45am and then fell asleep. I let her sleep until 7:30am and then got her up. Despite the very long session of crying off and on, I felt encouraged that she did fall asleep again. I think that shows progress that she was able to soothe herself back to a solid sleep.
Day 10: Harper woke up at 6:45am and cried pretty good. I held out for 7 minutes or so and then fed her. (Funny how I can go over an hour one day and then not make it even ten minutes another day. I think it was because she was SO close.)

As with a lot of things with kids and their development and training, there is a lot of two steps forward and one step back. I think we're making progress, but I don't think it's going to just be done. We'll probably struggle with this for a while longer and then I'll realize one day that I can't remember the last time she woke up early. I'm going to wait a few more days and then start with Phase 2. I'll be posting on a few other topics in the meantime to lighten things up a bit.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Phase 1: Stop Early Wake-Up- Report 4

Day 7: A breakthrough? Harper didn't wake up until 6:30am and cried off and on until 7am. I got in the shower so that helped the time go by quickly.
Day 8: Another pretty good morning. She didn't wake up until 6:20am. She only made a little bit of noise until 6:45am and then she really started going. I got up and fed her at 7am and saw that she had pulled down the sheet I cover the bassinet with.

Besides this early morning training, I think Harper did just hit a growth spurt. There were a few days where it seemed she just didn't want to stop eating even when the milk was gone. And then on Sunday morning it was like, pop, her cheeks just got chubbier. I kid you not. Crazy how that happens. I think it's pretty much over now, so maybe we'll make it to our 7am start time soon.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Phase 1: Stop Early Wake-Up - Report 3

Day 5: Back to 5:30am wake-up. Bummer. Off and on crying until 6am, quiet for 15 minutes then awake again with more persistent crying. Got up and fed her at that point.
Day 6: 5:40am wake-up. Playing and light crying until 6am. Off and on crying until 6:45am. Small coos and talking until 7am.

This morning I used my iPod and listened to hymns with the pillow over my head. It was at least more relaxing if not restful (as in sleeping). Z woke up this morning when Harper was crying and said, "Mama, help Harper!" I put him back in bed and reassured him that everything was okay. I'm thankful this is the first time he has woken up with her crying. One good thing about this morning (Day 6) is that I can see how her crying off and on really shows that she is fine. She is not starving; she just wants to get up because she is used to waking up then. By 7am, when she was practically playing in her bed, I felt even better about sticking it out. When I finally got her up she was all smiles and charm. She is fine. Fine. Fine.

I have renewed my commitment to stick with it. I talked to my Baby Wise Guru (BWG) and she confirmed my decisions, including adding a feeding at night. She said five feedings is a good spot to stay on at this age if I want to continue breastfeeding. Switching to four hours and starting solids both can diminish milk supply. I remember that happening a little with Z, so I'll keep the five feedings and stay watchful to make sure the well doesn't run dry (so to speak). She also thought that 9-10 hours was a reasonable stretch at night for an exclusively breastfed baby. BabyWise kind of talks about that but isn't that clear, so I appreciated that feedback from an experienced mom. Once I start her on solids I can probably expect her to go a little longer.

Another suggestion BWG gave me was to really relax the swaddle so that Harper can get her hands to her mouth. I had been waiting on getting rid of the swaddle, but thought that she would be able to get her hands in the blanket to her mouth anyway. The first 3-4 days of Crying It Out, I swaddled her in a way that the more she pulled the blanket actually tightened so that she couldn't get her hands up. Last night I did only use one blanket and she could easily get her hands to her mouth. I think that helped her sooth herself which is why there was more talking and cooing than crying this morning.

Also, BWG brought up a good point that I shouldn't feed her at 6:30am unless I want that to be the wake-up time. I agree. If I'm going to go through this then I want to get to my true goal at the end of it. BWG said this is one of the hardest habits to break- the early morning wake-up - but that it would be worth it. The wake-up time has a way of getting engrained in the child so they continue with it even through the toddler years. Having started Z at 8am and seeing how now it's drifted to 7/7:30am, I'm all the more resolved to keep Harper to 7am. Something about waking up in the 6 am hour is really hard for me psychologically. (I could never be a teacher!)

I am pleased that we've made it this far without the pacifier in the morning. I can sense the end coming near. Just praying God will renew my strength. I'm a person who needs eight hours of sleep. Getting six or seven hours with a few Z interruptions at night is really draining me.

22 Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
24 I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him."


Lamentations 3:22-24

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Phase 1: Stop Early Wake-Up - Report 2

Day 4: Harper didn't wake up until 6am! That's a good improvement. She kind of played and talked to herself for 15 minutes (also a good improvement) and then started to cry off and on. Her crying got loud and persistent at 6:25am, so I waited five more minutes and then got up and fed her. I didn't wait as long as the other days because I was just happy to see some improvement. I think my goal for now will be to get her to at least 6:30am consistently. Then I can slowly work on moving that to 7am. 6:30am is a heck of a lot better than 5am.

I'm just encouraged that there was some change. I didn't feed her until kind of late last night (around 10:30am), so that makes me wonder again if it's just hunger. Then I start to wonder if we're in a growth spurt. She is just about to hit the 6-month mark. I'm going to stick with it for now and see how we're doing in a week.

On another encouraging note, Z has slept through the night without waking up twice in a row. I made a really big deal of what a good job he did and gave him a Curious George sticker (his special reward for very good behavior). I've been emphasizing how important sleep is and that it makes him grow big and strong. (I also tell him that it makes Mama very happy.) I'm extremely thankful for this glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.

O satisfy us in the morning with Your lovingkindness,
That we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.

Psalm 90:14

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Phase 1: Stop Early Wake-Up - Report

Boy, this is a rough one.
Day 1: Harper cried an hour and 5 minutes
Day 2: She woke up even earlier than the day before and cried for an hour and ten minutes and then I decided to feed her.
Day 3 (this morning): She woke up at 5:22am and cried for about 52 minutes and then was quiet for 15 minutes and then awake again. I fed her at that point which was around 6:30am.

Last night, I even gave her an extra feeding at 9:30pm because her feeding before that was at 6:45pm. Since she's waking up early, it's hard to get her back to the 7pm feeding. She goes 4 hours between each feeding, but I can't push her much past 7pm. I was letting her go longer when she would so that her last feeding of the night would be as late as possible. I have now decided to stick to four hours and then add one more feeding around 9pm or so to help with the early mornings. This makes it less stressful during the day since I don't have to push her longer at each feeding. I was feeling like the early wake-ups were just perpetuating the early wake-ups.

It felt a little like a step backward to feed her the dream feed again, but I know it's the right thing to do for now. I remember now that Z was almost 7 months when I dropped the dream feed with him but he had already been doing the 4 hour schedule. He was also already eating solids by that point. I did it in a different order for Harper, dropping the dream feed and then switching to four hours. This is the first time she has had the four hour schedule and the dream feed, so we'll see how it goes.

This whole thing reminds me how important it is to really listen to your baby and not get too caught up in "the right" way to do things. Giving her the extra feeding will set her up for success with the early morning wake-up. So, I'll keep plugging away with the crying in the morning. It will be worth it. It will be worth it.

P.S. As a relevant side-note, lest you imagine I'm handling this all with confidence and courage, I've cried every day this week. Lots. I'm really missing the sleep and feeling overwhelmed (not just with this but with other stuff too). Just want to keep the honesty in Routine Honesty. Being a Mom is hard (understatement of the year).

Monday, August 3, 2009

Working Toward One Bedroom

Harper is a couple inches away from outgrowing the bassinet. So, I have a few more weeks to work on some things before I put her in the same room with Z. I figure it's better to do some Crying It Out situations BEFORE they sleep in the same bedroom.

1. Early Wake-Up
Harper sleeps great at night but is still waking up early - around 5:30am. I give her the pacifier and she goes back to sleep and then I usually have to give it to her one more time around 6/6:15am to make it close to her 7am wake-up time. She does this whether her last feeding of the night is 9:30pm or 7:30pm, so I'm pretty confident it isn't a hunger issue but just a waking up habit. I decided I need to break the habit of pacifying her since I don't want to be going into the kids' room at that time when Z is likely to wake up and because I don't want to keep waking up that early every day.

2. Pacifier
I swore I wouldn't keep the pacifier going as long as I did with Z, but here I am close to 6 months still using it. Harper is no where as near addiction as Z was, but I still depend on it for most naps to help her settle down quickly. I definitely want to get rid of using it in the next month or so. I think it just gets harder the longer you wait.

3. Swaddle
I also want to stop using the swaddle around the 6 month mark. Harper has good control of her arms and hands and is always putting her fingers in her mouth. I think she will figure out how to suck on her fingers to calm herself.

Phase 1- Stop Early Wake-Up:
So, the plan is to work on Early Wake-Up first. I'm going to keep the swaddle at night for now, but I won't use the pacifier. I have never used the pacifier when she went down for the night because of what happened with Z. He got so used to going to sleep with the pacifier that he would partially wake up when he didn't have it. So, I just have to stop giving her the pacifier when she wakes up early. Ha. Just. This involves some Crying It Out. No Mom likes that. I started this morning. I didn't really have a plan exactly about how long I was going to let her go for or anything. I just decided to plunge into it. She cried for an hour and five minutes and then slept for another 15 and then I fed her a little early at 6:45am. It was rough. Thankfully, the men in the house, yet again, are not affected by Harper's crying and they didn't wake up. I kept my cell phone in bed to check the time, put my earplugs in and kept a pillow over my head. This helped to the extent that the cries didn't sear through my gut, however, not enough to allow me to sleep. I talked myself through it by thinking, "Well, I already went 15 minutes, I might as well go for another 15." And so on and so on. I just didn't want to lose the ground I already conquered. I'm really hoping it's better tomorrow morning, but now I can say, I did an hour one day already, I can't stop now!

Phase 2- No More Pacifier or Swaddle:
The next step will be to work on stopping the pacifier and the swaddle. I'm going to do those together since Harper will hopefully start to use her fingers when she isn't swaddled. Also, if I'm going to listen to crying, I might as well kill a couple birds with one stone. Why not kill the Early Wake-Up bird also? Three reasons. One, I think once we break the habit of that wake-up time, she'll be able to make it through regardless of no swaddling later. Two, keeping the swaddle while breaking the habit will make breaking the habit a little easier. Three, I can't handle early morning crying AND crying for most naps at the same time. I'm hoping we can tackle the early morning crying and then I'll get more sleep to better handle the crying for naps.

Here we go.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Saturday

Why are Saturdays so hard? How long before I give up the ideal of the weekend? Children don't know it's the weekend. They don't know you used to sleep in on a Saturday. You used to do something fun on a Saturday. A Saturday used to feel like a break.
Complaining over. Off I go with our Saturday-not-a-Saturday-day.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Congrajuashons

Today was Z's very last day of speech therapy play group. He graduated!! They do a re-evaluation after 5-6 months to see if the child needs to continue and he didn't! I am so thrilled at his ENORMOUS progress in speaking. I think back to where we were when we started and I'm blown away at how quickly he has learned so much. When we started he said a handful of two-word phrases and a few three-word phrases. Now, he is talking in full sentences all the time. He uses prepositions! He repeats things he hears (including an especially hilarious- "darn"). He "reads" books to himself. He is a full-blown talking toddler!

So in honor of Z's speaking Skeels, I'll just relate some of the more humorous things he has said.

> Drumming his fingers on his chin, as if stroking a beard: "Me finking sumping, Mama"
> Moon popped out, Mama!
> After I tell him one more minute before an activity ends, he says: "Mama, clock says five more minutes!"
> Me: "Are you finished (with a snack)?" Z: "Nope, steel eat-ing!"
> Five, Four, Free, Two, One....poockkk-chhh (Rocket taking off)
> Me: "Time for dinner! Come sit down." Z: "Me workeen sumping, Mama."

Congratulations, Z. I am so very proud of you.

Here's Z with a celebratory donut at Chit Chat Group today. He takes his pink icing seriously.