About Having Two Kids

Now that I have a little (emphasis on little) perspective on having two kids...

During Pregnancy
It's in a mother's nature to feel guilty, but that guilt takes on all kinds of new dimensions when she is pregnant with child number two. "I'm not as excited about the second child as I was with the first." "What if I don't love the second one as much as the first." "I am neglecting my first because I'm too exhausted and nauseous and pregnant." "If I can't even handle one while I'm pregnant, how am I going to handle two?" "I'm hormonal and have zero patience for my first." "I'm not eating as well as I did with my first; not gaining weight like I did with my first; gaining more weight than I did with my first..."

I recommend you give a little talk to your second child in utero. The talk goes something like this:

You are our second child. We will love you just as much as our first, but that love might look a little different. We won't have as many pictures of you. We won't have a video of your ultrasounds. We won't force people to watch said video of your ultrasound. We won't hop to your every whimper and vibrate with anxiety at your smallest cough. We won't obsess over every indicator of personality (He seems so persistent with that rattle! Oh, boy, he's going to be stubborn like his Dad.) because we know, soon enough, we'll see it in all its two-year old glory. You are likely to have a few more cuts and bruises earlier on than your sibling, either inflicted by your sibling or occurring while we are distracted with your sibling, but your head won't be lopsided like your sibling's because your newbie parents didn't know to rotate the little melon. And, hey, more up-side to being the second: we will not expect you to be perfect (our delusions of that goal long-ago broken by your older sibling). We will not fret over every mess and nick you make to our house (it has long since been smeared and scratched into submission). You will probably get away with more, either because we're too busy to notice or because you will have learned how to be sneaky far too young from your older sibling.

This whole speech is similar to the discussion you've had with friends about how the love in your marriage after x-many years is more comfortable and soothing than what it was when you were just dating or newlywed. There is a thrill to dating (and the first child) that I loved. There were times I couldn't stop myself from smiling with the exhilaration and happiness of it all. But, there was also a lot of anxiety and hard work in figuring it all out. I love the security and ease after 11 years of marriage and the more confident, easy-going mothering of a second child. Both experiences are great. They are just different.

Post Partum
The second child is here and you begin the adjustment. Life is not the same (again). But there is a lot that doesn't change, like your toddler's tantrums. No, just teasing (sort of). What I mean is that once you have a routine of having a kid, a second can fit right in (with some adjustment, of course). After making the change from working full time to being a stay-at-home mom with the first child, I didn't have the same rock-my-world-grief-over-the-life-I-used-to-live with the second. And, since you have an older child who is burning holes in the carpet running in circles, you have to get out of the house a little more than you probably did with the first. This is a good thing. Sure, the naps will suffer and child number two will probably get sick more, but he/she will be more resilient because of it.

There are lots of great things about having two kids instead of one (if only to avoid the only child situation- no offense to the only children out there, I'm sure you turned out lovely). I'm told that the kids will eventually play together. I'm only starting to get a glimpse of this as "playing" still consists of Z knocking Harper over. However, already Harper laughs for Z like she won't for anyone else. Now, I hope you won't feel I'm overly negative here, but I do want to prepare you for a highly possible scenario when the second child comes: you will no longer like your first child.

Okay, don't panic. I said you will no longer like your first child. You will absolutely still love him or her. And before you get too worried, this feeling does go away. But let me express this in a speech to make to your first child - while you are on a walk by yourself with no one around to witness it:

You are the first child. You were God's gift to mankind for a long time. The entire family doted and ah'ed and obsessively swapped out screen-saver pictures of you every day. But things are going to change a little because everyone, and I mean everyone, likes a sweet, dimpled baby better than an opinionated toddler. Don't get me wrong. In the fun department, on a good day, you are way more fun than a baby. And you probably don't cry as much. But all it takes is a few power struggles over vegetables, or a television show, or the dinosaur pajamas ("nyooooooo...not wee-ooo....me want roars!") and most people will offer to change the baby's diaper instead. What I'm saying is that between an averagely content baby and an averagely ornery toddler, you, the toddler, are gonna lose. So, don't be surprised if your sleep-deprived mother loses her temper a little bit more than usual. And please be patient with me when I get extremely upset about what you thought was a perfectly reasonable power tool noise that just happened to wake up the baby. I promise that it will get better and, no matter how much I wish a relative would just come pick you up and take you to the park for an hour, or a week, that I love you very, very much. You, my first, will always have a special hold on my heart. And we will always have more pictures of you than your sibling.

So, get that speech out. Admit it. Own it. And then let it go. Stop the comparisons, stop the if-only's. Love your toddler as a toddler. Love your baby as a baby. Decide to put the toddler to bed and let your spouse put the baby to bed. Connect to your toddler in the moments that you love (for me, that is reading before bedtime). And enjoy your baby even when your toddler is watching and will likely misbehave the second you make one cooing sound at your baby. Love them. Love them both for who they are in this moment and never wish to change it.