On the Edge

I have felt on the edge of so many things lately. On the edge of frustration, losing my patience, anger, sadness, tears, harsh words, headaches. And also on the edge of joy streaming down my cheeks in tears, gratefulness, revelation, understanding. It seems that every time God has adjusted my perspective again to the right things and I'm able to focus on the gifts and joy in my life, a few hard moments or a rough couple nights of sleep take it all away again.

After a busy weekend and time with lots of great friends, I woke up on Monday morning stripped. And if I felt tired, then it's reasonable to assume the kids would be tired too. Needless to say, Z has been more difficult the past few days. And I have been weak and exhausted. Not a good combination. The battles in the moment are hard - keeping calm while he spews angry words and he's coming unhinged and it's all I can do to think clearly about what my next step should be. But it's usually after the battle that I break down. He'll be back to playing, having done his time and offered his apology. And I'm washing dishes in the kitchen, hiding my sobbing, screwed up face, trying to keep my shoulders from shaking.

I feel angry and sad and insufficient. Lies circle in my head, like cawing crows, saying that I can't do this any more, and, if I could just get away...

And the funny thing is that the chapter I read this weekend from One Thousand Gifts was about needing to daily go to God for sustenance. To daily focus on the beauty and gifts He has given. Just like the manna had to be collected daily in the desert lest we forget our dependence on God. And the most important thing is to find the manna- the little miracles of yumminess in a barren, desolate place- among the every day. To not need to get away or be alone to see the beauty. Up to this point, my list making has been on Sundays when I have time to myself to reflect. It's not enough. It fills the gas tank but there is a hole in my tank and the joy is all gone by Monday morning.

So, tomorrow is a new day. I'll start a new day finding the gifts God sends me. And I'll leave you with the last few I wrote down (some of which aren't from Sunday. Smile.)

73. Son's crooked mouth and half-closed eye when he's pondering something
75. Harper's muppet hair when she wakes up in the morning
76. cotton ball clouds
77. Silence when the kids finally do go to sleep.