Hello Darkness My Old Friend (Psalm 88)

I'm learning that just when I start to feel like I've "kicked this thing," I start to struggle again. I've been tracking the depression and irritability in relation to my period, and there is definitely a pattern. So I was prepared for this weekend to be hard, but, man, it was hard! We went out Saturday night until late so I woke up Sunday morning completely drained and crabby. And then Z woke up crabby (at 6:15am!). And then John left to go surfing and I never did go back to sleep. I think I just laid there simmering. By the time John got home at 9:15am, I was done. I was so angry and resentful that, once again, John is off enjoying himself while I was home with crabby kids. Everything in me screams that this is unfair, even though we have worked it through so many times in our marriage. Him surfing on weekend mornings is really important to him and to me. But it's not always an easy gift to give. It wasn't John's fault that it happened to be a bad morning, but I was ready to blame him for all of it.

After a shower I was a little calmer and I was able to tell John how I was feeling. I so often bottle things up when I know they are ugly. This time I just told him how I was feeling and told him that it didn't mean he did anything wrong but that I was still struggling with it. He just listened, for which I was grateful.

Then off to church where the sermon was on depression from Psalm 42. Okay, God. Thank you. It was just what I needed in so many ways. There were so many things that spoke to me. First, that it is so common and it doesn't mean you're a bad Christian. I think this point is so obvious, but it helps to hear it again and again. And our pastor also mentioned how depression isn't something that just goes away one day, but it's something that can come and go and it's a process to work through it. So often I want to think that I'm just done with this hard part in my life and I'm finally "better." Second, that I have to stop listening to the lies I tell myself when I'm depressed. That I'm not good enough, that God isn't there, that I'm all alone, that I can't keep going another day. Third, that I need to listen to God's Word instead of the thoughts in my head. Like this:
The LORD your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with his love, He will rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17

-- I love this idea that God delights in me. Just as I am. Not just when I'm happy.
and this:
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:37-39
-- Nothing can separate me from Him. Even me.

Finally, the sermon also talked about going to other people for help. And not being too proud to ask someone to tell you the gospel again. And again. It's so hard for me to talk about this stuff and I hate crying in front of people. But John and I talked after church and I had some time to rest and reflect. I know God is using this for my good, but sometimes I just want to tell God that I'm done growing and learning. Can't I have it a little easier for a while? :) Well, I guess the Creator of the universe knows what He's doing.

Today I'm feeling a little better, but I'm on guard for the ugliness. It is most often stress-induced, so who knows what the rest of this day holds for me. I keep thinking about something my therapist said about God redeeming us. That the pain and suffering we go through is part of this fallen world. But that He is actively redeeming (buying back) and recreating us into His new creation. I'm going to pray that God will "redeem" my monthly cycle so that it isn't always my ticket to Crabby Land.
"I do believe; help my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24)