Just flipped open my Bible to this, Psalm 77:
1 I cried out to God for help;
I cried out to God to hear me.
2 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
at night I stretched out untiring hands,
and I would not be comforted.
3 I remembered you, God, and I groaned;
I meditated, and my spirit grew faint.[b]
4 You kept my eyes from closing;
I was too troubled to speak.
5 I thought about the former days,
the years of long ago;
6 I remembered my songs in the night.
My heart meditated and my spirit asked:
7 “Will the Lord reject forever?
Will he never show his favor again?
8 Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
Has his promise failed for all time?
9 Has God forgotten to be merciful?
Has he in anger withheld his compassion?”
10 Then I thought, “To this I will appeal:
the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand.
11 I will remember the deeds of the LORD;
yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
12 I will consider all your works
and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”
13 Your ways, God, are holy.
What god is as great as our God?
14 You are the God who performs miracles;
you display your power among the peoples.
15 With your mighty arm you redeemed your people,
the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.
The next psalm lists the ways God watched over the Israelites despite their turning away from Him again and again.
This reminds me to remember. To think of all the ways God blesses me. To name the tangible ways He shows His love.
210. The pteredactyl noises of a newborn.
211. The collaboration of two kids building a secret hide-out fort. "Harper, get back to work." "Can I have the blue tape now?" "Yeah, we're really special, because we have special powers in our body."
212. Bean and cheese burrito, no onion, no sauce.
213. Nap time.
214. The witty words of Jane Austen making a long drive enjoyable.
215. A quick but deep conversation with a friend, tears flowing, arms holding.
216. Gently probing the wound and feeling only a slight tenderness. Thank you, God, for healing!
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Monday, September 26, 2011
Beautiful Wreck
Seven or so years ago I was in a scary car accident on the 405 freeway. It was raining very hard and my car hydroplaned perpendicularly across five lanes of traffic. Thank God, I was okay and the passenger in the only car I hit was also okay. After the car was pulled out of the bushes and ditch (and was still drive-able), we drove side streets to a gas station near our house to look at the damage and decide where to drop it for repairs. When I saw the damage done to the front of the car I almost collapsed. All the pseudo-calm to handle the emergency dissolved and I sobbed hysterically. Seeing the extent of the accident, I realized how much worse it could have been and I felt intense gratitude that I didn't die.
This past week I felt like I was getting a glimpse at the mangling, ripping emotional and spiritual accident that occurred in my life within the last five years. Grief, post partum depression, young children (one who was extremely challenging), unhappiness in life circumstances, a fruitless church life... they all twisted and turned me, John and our marriage into a gory wreck. In the depths of that dark place, ugliness, sin and anger thrived and marred us even more. We have been walking away from the wreck for more than two years and slowly healing and rebuilding. We have felt God's hand through the love of our friends and new church family helping us to mend and renew. But recent events have turned me around to look again at that wreck I so want to leave behind.
Last weekend John shared our story at a men's retreat for our church. In preparing to talk about accountability, John was led back through those very difficult years and was able to see God's loving hand through it all. At a time when John felt alone, he can now see how God's church and people were there the entire time, like a safety net, keeping John from more sin and pain. John was deeply blessed by this view of God's work in his life and God's protection of him during a very vulnerable time. But for me, this was like looking back at the twisted metal of my car and seeing what might have been. The wounds of the last few years are reopened and I'm hurt again by the animosity and indifference that was in our marriage. I can see more clearly the sin that thrived when we were in that dark place and now I can see how much worse it could have been.
And it hurts.
I've been so tempted to be angry again. At myself. At John. At God. All the same questions come up again. Why me? Why us? Why did this have to happen? How can this be for our good? Does God really love me? Does God really want only good for me?
I turn to One Thousand Gifts again for Ann Voskamp's God-given, life-giving words.
"Surely, just as I have intended so it has happened, and just as I have planned so it will stand." (Is 14:24)
and
"See that I am God. See that I am in everything. See that I do everything. See that I have never stopped ordering my works, nor ever shall, eternally. See that I lead everything on to the conclusion I ordained for it before time began, by the same power, wisdom and love with which I made it. How can anything be amiss." (Julian of Norwich)
"...I won't shield God from my anguish by claiming He's not involved in the ache of this world and Satan prowls but he's a lion on a leash and the God who governs all can be shouted at when I bruise, and I can cry and I can howl and He embraces the David-hearts who pound hard on His heart with their grief and I can moan deep that He did this -- and He did. I feel Him hold me -- a flailing child tired in Father's arms.... I know all our days are struggle and warfare and that the spirit-to-spirit combat I endlessly wage with Satan is this ferocious thrash for joy. He sneers at all the things that seem to have gone hideously mad in this sin-drunk world, and I gasp to say God is good. The liar defiantly scrawls his graffiti across God's glory and I heave to enjoy God."(AV)
This moment of light and sight to John, for me, is a moment of darkness. I too easily turn toward the darkness of lacking, the lie that God is not there. And yet He whispers sweetly that if I had never seen the wreckage I would never have known His protective hand. Never seeing the bottom of that chasm, I would not rightly know my dependence on Him. Without the vision of God's word to properly see the things around us, I will only see the hole, the lack. God's word points me again to His goodness.
"Only the Word is the answer to rightly reading the world, because the Word has nail-scarred hands that cup our face close, wipe away the tears running down, has eyes to look deep into our brimming ached, and whisper, "I know. I know." The passion on the page is a Person, and the lens I wear of the Word is not abstract idea but they eyes of the God-Man who came and knows the pain." AV
And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 1 Peter 5:10
Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. Hebrews 5:14-16
This past week I felt like I was getting a glimpse at the mangling, ripping emotional and spiritual accident that occurred in my life within the last five years. Grief, post partum depression, young children (one who was extremely challenging), unhappiness in life circumstances, a fruitless church life... they all twisted and turned me, John and our marriage into a gory wreck. In the depths of that dark place, ugliness, sin and anger thrived and marred us even more. We have been walking away from the wreck for more than two years and slowly healing and rebuilding. We have felt God's hand through the love of our friends and new church family helping us to mend and renew. But recent events have turned me around to look again at that wreck I so want to leave behind.
Last weekend John shared our story at a men's retreat for our church. In preparing to talk about accountability, John was led back through those very difficult years and was able to see God's loving hand through it all. At a time when John felt alone, he can now see how God's church and people were there the entire time, like a safety net, keeping John from more sin and pain. John was deeply blessed by this view of God's work in his life and God's protection of him during a very vulnerable time. But for me, this was like looking back at the twisted metal of my car and seeing what might have been. The wounds of the last few years are reopened and I'm hurt again by the animosity and indifference that was in our marriage. I can see more clearly the sin that thrived when we were in that dark place and now I can see how much worse it could have been.
And it hurts.
I've been so tempted to be angry again. At myself. At John. At God. All the same questions come up again. Why me? Why us? Why did this have to happen? How can this be for our good? Does God really love me? Does God really want only good for me?
I turn to One Thousand Gifts again for Ann Voskamp's God-given, life-giving words.
"Surely, just as I have intended so it has happened, and just as I have planned so it will stand." (Is 14:24)
and
"See that I am God. See that I am in everything. See that I do everything. See that I have never stopped ordering my works, nor ever shall, eternally. See that I lead everything on to the conclusion I ordained for it before time began, by the same power, wisdom and love with which I made it. How can anything be amiss." (Julian of Norwich)
"...I won't shield God from my anguish by claiming He's not involved in the ache of this world and Satan prowls but he's a lion on a leash and the God who governs all can be shouted at when I bruise, and I can cry and I can howl and He embraces the David-hearts who pound hard on His heart with their grief and I can moan deep that He did this -- and He did. I feel Him hold me -- a flailing child tired in Father's arms.... I know all our days are struggle and warfare and that the spirit-to-spirit combat I endlessly wage with Satan is this ferocious thrash for joy. He sneers at all the things that seem to have gone hideously mad in this sin-drunk world, and I gasp to say God is good. The liar defiantly scrawls his graffiti across God's glory and I heave to enjoy God."(AV)
This moment of light and sight to John, for me, is a moment of darkness. I too easily turn toward the darkness of lacking, the lie that God is not there. And yet He whispers sweetly that if I had never seen the wreckage I would never have known His protective hand. Never seeing the bottom of that chasm, I would not rightly know my dependence on Him. Without the vision of God's word to properly see the things around us, I will only see the hole, the lack. God's word points me again to His goodness.
"Only the Word is the answer to rightly reading the world, because the Word has nail-scarred hands that cup our face close, wipe away the tears running down, has eyes to look deep into our brimming ached, and whisper, "I know. I know." The passion on the page is a Person, and the lens I wear of the Word is not abstract idea but they eyes of the God-Man who came and knows the pain." AV
And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 1 Peter 5:10
Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. Hebrews 5:14-16
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Relief in New Routines
This past week was the start of our new routine for the year. Z started preschool on Wednesday. I started my new job on Thursday. From now on, Z will be in school Monday, Wednesday, Friday. And I'll be working Tuesday, Thursday: two full days which is twice as much as I used to work. As with any new thing, I was nervous about the change and the transition for the kids. With change being especially hard for Z, I was expecting the worst, hoping the best for his adjustment to his new class and teacher.
And, honestly, I'm coming to realize that the change is often harder for me than it is for him! He ran right off to his new class on the first day... and the second day.... And he was calm and happy when I picked him up both days. I had lobbied the school director to have the teacher he has and I'm so thrilled to see him connecting already with her. I think she also was expecting the worst (based on true feedback from Z's last year teacher and from me) and was pleasantly surprised. She called me Friday night and told me that his behavior was so good that he was picked to be the line leader for the whole day. I must have smiled for at least five minutes after the call!
I am just so amazed and grateful for the progress Z has made over the summer in so many ways. He is so much more calm and confident. He is thrilled when he does a good job and I can see how hard he tries to do a good job most of the time. The funny thing about change is how even when it is for the better, I can keep operating in the assumptions of the past. I have to fight against the anxiety and dread that I used to feel every time there was a social interaction of a long outing. Z is proving to me again and again how much he has grown and I just have to learn to trust it. Or, another way of saying it is, God is proving to me over and over how much He loves me through the good and the bad, and I just have to learn to trust Him.
Photo Credit: Sofia
And, honestly, I'm coming to realize that the change is often harder for me than it is for him! He ran right off to his new class on the first day... and the second day.... And he was calm and happy when I picked him up both days. I had lobbied the school director to have the teacher he has and I'm so thrilled to see him connecting already with her. I think she also was expecting the worst (based on true feedback from Z's last year teacher and from me) and was pleasantly surprised. She called me Friday night and told me that his behavior was so good that he was picked to be the line leader for the whole day. I must have smiled for at least five minutes after the call!
I am just so amazed and grateful for the progress Z has made over the summer in so many ways. He is so much more calm and confident. He is thrilled when he does a good job and I can see how hard he tries to do a good job most of the time. The funny thing about change is how even when it is for the better, I can keep operating in the assumptions of the past. I have to fight against the anxiety and dread that I used to feel every time there was a social interaction of a long outing. Z is proving to me again and again how much he has grown and I just have to learn to trust it. Or, another way of saying it is, God is proving to me over and over how much He loves me through the good and the bad, and I just have to learn to trust Him.
Photo Credit: Sofia
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Gift Number 148
Contagious Laughter
For those catching up, I've been counting gifts from God to stir up the joy in my life. Hope this brings you some joy today.
For those catching up, I've been counting gifts from God to stir up the joy in my life. Hope this brings you some joy today.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Evolution of a Room II
Two years ago I posted on how I rearranged the kids room to fit Harper in a crib and Z in a toddler bed. I can't believe we have now just transitioned again for the final time (at least in this two-bedroom house).
As Harper likes to tell everyone who will listen (including strangers): "I hab bunt-bed!" (I have a bunk bed!)
So I moved Harper from a mini crib to a twin bed! She is so tiny in it, but she loves it. Z is stoked to be on the top and is loving the extra wall space for his artwork that this brings. The first week of bedtime was pretty rough; lots of playing instead of sleeping, but they are getting used to it now. We were already disciplining Harper if she got out of her crib so we continued that (with some grace the first few nights as she adjusted) and she is doing really well.
I had a lot of fun planning this next phase of the kids' room. Bunk bed, dresser and comforters are from Ikea. The bunk bed took 5 hours to assemble. Thank you, John! And I only had to paint the turquoise circles in the room to a spring green color to give the room a bigger kid look. And that little storage unit with the pull out drawers is a life-saver! I can't believe the relief when I got all the toys put away in the drawers and there was even more room to pull out some of the toys I had to keep buried in the closet. I'm really happy with the result!
As Harper likes to tell everyone who will listen (including strangers): "I hab bunt-bed!" (I have a bunk bed!)
So I moved Harper from a mini crib to a twin bed! She is so tiny in it, but she loves it. Z is stoked to be on the top and is loving the extra wall space for his artwork that this brings. The first week of bedtime was pretty rough; lots of playing instead of sleeping, but they are getting used to it now. We were already disciplining Harper if she got out of her crib so we continued that (with some grace the first few nights as she adjusted) and she is doing really well.
I had a lot of fun planning this next phase of the kids' room. Bunk bed, dresser and comforters are from Ikea. The bunk bed took 5 hours to assemble. Thank you, John! And I only had to paint the turquoise circles in the room to a spring green color to give the room a bigger kid look. And that little storage unit with the pull out drawers is a life-saver! I can't believe the relief when I got all the toys put away in the drawers and there was even more room to pull out some of the toys I had to keep buried in the closet. I'm really happy with the result!
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