On Sundays, I dread it when it's my turn to take Z to sunday school (which starts right before the sermon). The class starts with singing, so Z usually heads straight under a table. I have a really hard time being patient when I just want to go listen to the sermon. Every time I see him resisting joining the group, hiding under tables, or worse, trying to run out of the building, I honestly just wish he was like the other kids. Why can't he just sit on the rug like everyone else?
This Sunday, he was doing pretty well. I got him to sit next to me on the rug and as I participated in the songs, so did he. But just a few feet away from us there were these perfect little easter-egg colored balloons tied to a chair. As we came in we speculated together on what they were for and how special it was that just his class had them. It was a helpful incentive for him to want to go to class. But then, the balloons were just too tempting and he went over to see them. I followed quickly after him and told him right away that he couldn't touch them. They were only tied once around the arm of the chair. One light tug and the balloon would fly up to the high ceiling- out of reach. But Z HAD to touch them. He pulled at one and I managed to catch it just in time. My heart jumped in my throat at the near miss, imagining the class being one short of "enough" balloons. I'm sure the look on my face wasn't very patient as I emphasized again the importance of leaving them alone and if all the balloons got loose that no one would have the treat of having one and then someone will be sad... and then...
Z ran his fingers across those loosely-tied ribbons...
and I grasped and lunged and saved quite a few but six or seven balloons floated away. My face turned red, my blood surged. If I wasn't at church I'm not sure what might have come out of my mouth. I pseudo-calmly walked the remaining balloons over to one of the teachers and then grabbed Z's hand and walked him down the hall away from his class. I started to berate him about how he didn't listen and that was EXACTLY what I told him would happen and now not all of the kids would get balloons... and...
Then I saw his face.
He was very upset and about to cry. He started to get angry and said that he didn't want to be Z anymore. "I'm going to change my name." "I don't like being me." He even hit his chest with his fist. Oh, man. Did that change my tune. I asked him if he was upset because he didn't control himself. He said yes.
Deep breath. Praise God I had enough self control of my own to calm down and talk to him about asking for forgiveness when we sin. I told him I was glad he was sad about disobeying me and doing something that could take something special away from his friends. But that our sin was the reason Jesus came. And we all make mistakes and we all sin. But Jesus forgives us. And I forgive you. I made him look right in my eyes and I said that two or three times: I forgive you.
Eventually we went back to the group and he joined in. Shortly after, as I was walking back to the auditorium, I kept thinking about how hard I was on him about the balloons. That rage that welled up inside me. I realized how much of it was connected to embarrassment. All those balloons bobbing away and me and Z right there, the cause of it all because my son doesn't listen to me. And disappointment. Why is it always my kid who does stuff like that? Why can't he sit on the rug like everyone else? I let my concern for what others think about me be more important than my son.
I stewed on that for a while and replayed over and over in my head how it all happened and maybe I should have done this instead. Or who in their right mind ties balloons just once on the arm of a chair with a bunch of KIDS around? (Blame is always an easy defense mechanism.) And how mean was my face when I was talking to him? And how hard did I grab his little hand?
And then I remembered that I had just told Z he was forgiven. I told him that when something is forgiven that we forget about it and, when possible, see if we can make amends (maybe Papa will be able to reach the balloons if he stands on the table). And I told him that I didn't want him to be upset about it anymore or say mean things about himself. And there I was upset and dwelling on my own sin. And calling myself names. And not forgetting it. How can I show my son forgiveness when I don't accept God's forgiveness of me?
It was one of those times when I literally prayed, "Okay, God. I get it." Just like Z when he says: "I already know that, Ma!" I wonder if God chuckles at me like I do at Z: "Well, then, why do I have to remind you so often?"
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Friday, July 15, 2011
Naming to Save Me
1. the smell of the morning when you can tell it's going to be a hot day
9. my soft, gushy pillow
20. warm sun on back, cool breeze
36. the caramel-colored foam on a latte
55. the putter of a small plane overhead
It's been a couple of months now that I have been writing down things I love. Things for which I'm thankful. Things for which I thank God. It started with a book a friend gave me called One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. Her idea is that thanksgiving is a precursor to miracles. It's the faith that brings salvation. It's the grace that gives us a full, rich life in Christ. What started as a dare to write down one thousand gifts from God became a way of changing her perspective toward God's goodness instead of at the loss and lack in our world and in our own lives.
A concept I really like in the book is about naming things. Naming was Adam's first job in Creation. To quote from her book (which is a quote from Alexander Schmemann):
“Naming reveals the very essence of a thing, manifests the meaning and value God gave it, to know it as coming from God and to know its place and function within the cosmos created by God. To name a thing, in other words, is to bless God for it and in it.”
I love this idea of the power of naming as a spiritual exercise which gives meaning to, and thanksgiving for, the things in my life. Those things are always there, but naming them and thanking God for them gives them power. It gives me power as I connect myself consciously to God and His love.
I've tried this kind of thing before- writing down things I'm thankful for- and sometimes it has been helpful and other times it failed horribly. One point Ann Voskamp makes is that the things need to be very specific and small. This seems counter-intuitive. We Christians so often thank God for things like family, salvation, creation, etc. As Ann says: "I discover that slapping a sloppy brush of thanksgiving over everything in my life leaves me deeply thankful for very few things in my life." As I started my list, I tried to focus on the things that make me happy. Those things that make me smile or sigh. And I didn't pressure myself to a schedule of a certain number a day or even a frequency. By keeping it natural and guilt-free, I'm hoping it is something I can sustain for a long time.
Is it working? Am I a changed woman who sees good in every situation? No. Not yet. But as Erasmus said, "A nail is driven out by another nail. Habit is overcome by habit." And, again quoting Ms. Voskamp: "To learn how to be grateful and happy, whether hands full or hands empty. That is a secret worth spending a life on learning.”
9. my soft, gushy pillow
20. warm sun on back, cool breeze
36. the caramel-colored foam on a latte
55. the putter of a small plane overhead
It's been a couple of months now that I have been writing down things I love. Things for which I'm thankful. Things for which I thank God. It started with a book a friend gave me called One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. Her idea is that thanksgiving is a precursor to miracles. It's the faith that brings salvation. It's the grace that gives us a full, rich life in Christ. What started as a dare to write down one thousand gifts from God became a way of changing her perspective toward God's goodness instead of at the loss and lack in our world and in our own lives.
A concept I really like in the book is about naming things. Naming was Adam's first job in Creation. To quote from her book (which is a quote from Alexander Schmemann):
“Naming reveals the very essence of a thing, manifests the meaning and value God gave it, to know it as coming from God and to know its place and function within the cosmos created by God. To name a thing, in other words, is to bless God for it and in it.”
I love this idea of the power of naming as a spiritual exercise which gives meaning to, and thanksgiving for, the things in my life. Those things are always there, but naming them and thanking God for them gives them power. It gives me power as I connect myself consciously to God and His love.
I've tried this kind of thing before- writing down things I'm thankful for- and sometimes it has been helpful and other times it failed horribly. One point Ann Voskamp makes is that the things need to be very specific and small. This seems counter-intuitive. We Christians so often thank God for things like family, salvation, creation, etc. As Ann says: "I discover that slapping a sloppy brush of thanksgiving over everything in my life leaves me deeply thankful for very few things in my life." As I started my list, I tried to focus on the things that make me happy. Those things that make me smile or sigh. And I didn't pressure myself to a schedule of a certain number a day or even a frequency. By keeping it natural and guilt-free, I'm hoping it is something I can sustain for a long time.
Is it working? Am I a changed woman who sees good in every situation? No. Not yet. But as Erasmus said, "A nail is driven out by another nail. Habit is overcome by habit." And, again quoting Ms. Voskamp: "To learn how to be grateful and happy, whether hands full or hands empty. That is a secret worth spending a life on learning.”
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
The Robot Place
To help Z with his sensory integration delay, we are going to Occupational Therapy once a week. It's just him and the therapist, Miss Kim. And Z loves it! It's a big super-fun playground indoors with a two-story robot and a giant ship with a swing in the middle. We call it the robot place and he looks forward to going every week. I can even take Harper now so she and I play while Z plays with the therapist.
As I said before, Z just thinks it's a great place to play. The first few times we went he asked when the other kids were coming. When the parking lot was fuller than usual one week, he said, "uh oh, there are going to be a lot of kids there!" Smile. I explained that we have a special appointment each week and Miss Kim doesn't let anyone else come when it's our time.
His favorite things so far are a gigantic ball pit full of those little soft spikey balls and the swing which is hanging down in the middle of the giant ship. The swing bounces and spins in every direction and he can't get enough. I would love to go on it myself. Here is a video:
I think all this vestibular stimulation is really helping because a few weeks ago I saw him walk up stairs alternating his feet for the first time. And he has started pedaling a bike more often (although not all the time yet).
And one of the most simple solutions has been a little chewy star that he can keep on his belt loop. When Z felt overwhelmed or even excited he would put things in his mouth. I guess it helps get out energy and even stimulates both sides of the brain somehow. The first time he took it to school, the teacher commented on what a great day he had. We waited to see if it was the star or not and, sure enough, the next time at school, he had another good day. She said he uses it quite a bit at times that were noisy or when the kids were very active. I can't believe that something so simple could help so much.
Seeing some tangible improvements has been so encouraging. It just confirms that we are on the right track and that we can really help him.
As I said before, Z just thinks it's a great place to play. The first few times we went he asked when the other kids were coming. When the parking lot was fuller than usual one week, he said, "uh oh, there are going to be a lot of kids there!" Smile. I explained that we have a special appointment each week and Miss Kim doesn't let anyone else come when it's our time.
His favorite things so far are a gigantic ball pit full of those little soft spikey balls and the swing which is hanging down in the middle of the giant ship. The swing bounces and spins in every direction and he can't get enough. I would love to go on it myself. Here is a video:
I think all this vestibular stimulation is really helping because a few weeks ago I saw him walk up stairs alternating his feet for the first time. And he has started pedaling a bike more often (although not all the time yet).
And one of the most simple solutions has been a little chewy star that he can keep on his belt loop. When Z felt overwhelmed or even excited he would put things in his mouth. I guess it helps get out energy and even stimulates both sides of the brain somehow. The first time he took it to school, the teacher commented on what a great day he had. We waited to see if it was the star or not and, sure enough, the next time at school, he had another good day. She said he uses it quite a bit at times that were noisy or when the kids were very active. I can't believe that something so simple could help so much.
Seeing some tangible improvements has been so encouraging. It just confirms that we are on the right track and that we can really help him.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Making Sense
My inner writer has finally nagged me enough to bring me back here again. It feels like a lot has happened in just six months so it's a little hard to jump back into writing. But no way to jump in but to jump...
Z has a delay in sensory integration.
There it is. Such a simple sentence with so much strain, effort and struggle behind it. Raising Z has never been a walk in the park, but after he was in preschool for a few months I decided to meet with his teacher and pick her brain about his behavior and if she had any big ideas for helping him. I just thought that if he was such a challenge to me at home then he had to be challenging her as well. I asked her if he interacted readily with the other kids, if he got angry, if she had ever seen him pedal the bike. That first meeting inspired his teacher, Mrs. D., to observe him more and note anything unusual in his behavior or development. I still praise God that Mrs. D. had enough experience and knowledge to look further into sensory integration as a potential problem area for Z.
Since then we have confirmed Z does have a delay in sensory integration. I like to say this more than "he has sensory integration disorder." Disorder seems unsurmountable. Delay is something he can overcome.
So what the heck is sensory integration disorder [also known as sensory processing disorder (SPD)]? Here's what wikipedia defines sensory integration dysfunction: "inability to organize sensory information as it comes in through the senses." A more useful description is available in "The Out of Sync Child," by Carol Stock Kranowitz: "SPD can cause a bewildering variety of symptoms. When their central nervous systems are ineffective in processing sensory information, children have a hard time functioning in daily life. They may look fine and have superior intelligence, but may be awkward and clumsy, fearful and withdrawn, or hostile and aggressive. SPD can affect not only how they move and learn, but also how they behave, how they play and make friends, and especially how they feel about themselves."
I've had some time to read and understand this so this is how I explain it to friends. A delay in sensory integration means that a child hasn't learned how to interpret all of the signals his senses send to his brain in the appropriate way. This could look very different in different kids because of all of the senses involved: touch, sight, sound, balance and movement (or, tactile, visual, auditory, proprioceptive and vestibular). It can also take the form of a child being either over-responsive or under-responsive. For example, a child over-responsive to touch may not be able to tell the difference between a light touch by a bee or by her mother. In the case of the bee, the child should be alert and careful. In the other, the child should be comforted and reassured.
No imagine that occurring with every sense-- imagine how overwhelming it would be to feel like every sense is potentially harmful. Imagine how it would feel to have your body in a state of "flight or fright" a lot of the time. Children in the situation learn how to protect themselves from those negative responses by secluding themselves, not being willing to try new things, being defiant or difficult or withdrawn.
I have seen all of those things in Z. Often it has been at times that seem inexplicable as it was a situation most kids love (bounce house, birthday party, park). So many times I was disappointed and confused by his terrible behavior, such as tantrums or aggressiveness, in places that were supposed to be fun. It happened enough that I did learn how to prevent and ease these reactions when I could. I guess I learned Z without knowing some of the why behind him.
Now that I have more information on sensory integration and how the brain and body respond, there are many mysteries about Z that have come clear. It's good to know that we were doing a lot of good things for Z already, but I sure do appreciate having a deeper understanding and rationale behind those decisions. It's a lot easier to say no to the second birthday party in one day when I have science to back up my mother's instinct.
So what now? I mentioned that a delay is something one can overcome. And it is true, that with some help (occupational therapy), Z's brain and body can catch up on the connections that aren't working quite right. And the therapy isn't tedious or difficult - it is playing! All of the things kids do all of the time help them make sense of their senses. Spinning, running, climbing, playing in water, play-dough, eating, dress-up. Isn't it wonderful how kids naturally do the things that help them grow! So Z is just getting a little extra, extra-special, play time. And we've already seen some good improvements, so stay tuned, if you're interested and I'll write more on that next time.
Thanks for listening!
Z has a delay in sensory integration.
There it is. Such a simple sentence with so much strain, effort and struggle behind it. Raising Z has never been a walk in the park, but after he was in preschool for a few months I decided to meet with his teacher and pick her brain about his behavior and if she had any big ideas for helping him. I just thought that if he was such a challenge to me at home then he had to be challenging her as well. I asked her if he interacted readily with the other kids, if he got angry, if she had ever seen him pedal the bike. That first meeting inspired his teacher, Mrs. D., to observe him more and note anything unusual in his behavior or development. I still praise God that Mrs. D. had enough experience and knowledge to look further into sensory integration as a potential problem area for Z.
Since then we have confirmed Z does have a delay in sensory integration. I like to say this more than "he has sensory integration disorder." Disorder seems unsurmountable. Delay is something he can overcome.
So what the heck is sensory integration disorder [also known as sensory processing disorder (SPD)]? Here's what wikipedia defines sensory integration dysfunction: "inability to organize sensory information as it comes in through the senses." A more useful description is available in "The Out of Sync Child," by Carol Stock Kranowitz: "SPD can cause a bewildering variety of symptoms. When their central nervous systems are ineffective in processing sensory information, children have a hard time functioning in daily life. They may look fine and have superior intelligence, but may be awkward and clumsy, fearful and withdrawn, or hostile and aggressive. SPD can affect not only how they move and learn, but also how they behave, how they play and make friends, and especially how they feel about themselves."
I've had some time to read and understand this so this is how I explain it to friends. A delay in sensory integration means that a child hasn't learned how to interpret all of the signals his senses send to his brain in the appropriate way. This could look very different in different kids because of all of the senses involved: touch, sight, sound, balance and movement (or, tactile, visual, auditory, proprioceptive and vestibular). It can also take the form of a child being either over-responsive or under-responsive. For example, a child over-responsive to touch may not be able to tell the difference between a light touch by a bee or by her mother. In the case of the bee, the child should be alert and careful. In the other, the child should be comforted and reassured.
No imagine that occurring with every sense-- imagine how overwhelming it would be to feel like every sense is potentially harmful. Imagine how it would feel to have your body in a state of "flight or fright" a lot of the time. Children in the situation learn how to protect themselves from those negative responses by secluding themselves, not being willing to try new things, being defiant or difficult or withdrawn.
I have seen all of those things in Z. Often it has been at times that seem inexplicable as it was a situation most kids love (bounce house, birthday party, park). So many times I was disappointed and confused by his terrible behavior, such as tantrums or aggressiveness, in places that were supposed to be fun. It happened enough that I did learn how to prevent and ease these reactions when I could. I guess I learned Z without knowing some of the why behind him.
Now that I have more information on sensory integration and how the brain and body respond, there are many mysteries about Z that have come clear. It's good to know that we were doing a lot of good things for Z already, but I sure do appreciate having a deeper understanding and rationale behind those decisions. It's a lot easier to say no to the second birthday party in one day when I have science to back up my mother's instinct.
So what now? I mentioned that a delay is something one can overcome. And it is true, that with some help (occupational therapy), Z's brain and body can catch up on the connections that aren't working quite right. And the therapy isn't tedious or difficult - it is playing! All of the things kids do all of the time help them make sense of their senses. Spinning, running, climbing, playing in water, play-dough, eating, dress-up. Isn't it wonderful how kids naturally do the things that help them grow! So Z is just getting a little extra, extra-special, play time. And we've already seen some good improvements, so stay tuned, if you're interested and I'll write more on that next time.
Thanks for listening!
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Big Z - Four Years Old
Time is FLYING by and I've been too busy to write about it apparently. Really I just would rather nap than write for my blog. Anyway, I wanted to write about my amazing little boy. He turned 4 November 19th and he is at such a fun and curious age. There is so much going on in that little head!
Z still loves construction and machines (Might Machines, anyone?). Thanks to President Obama, there was lots of construction around our town this year and it is an endless fascination for him. The highlight was when the redid the sidewalk in front of our house and we watched a digger break apart the cement and pry it up with the pointy edges of the bucket like Harper picks up stickers with her tiny little forefinger. We literally sat on our front steps with snacks and watched for an hour! Z acts out his own construction in the house, using tape or books or play blocks as "yellow cones" and says there are signs saying "open trench" and "road closed." For his birthday he got a set of little sport orange cones from Grammy. The worst execution of this construction fascination was when he drew a line across the threshold of his room in black PERMANENT marker. (By the way, thank God for google, where we learned that a pencil pink eraser will get Sharpie off of hard wood floor. It worked!)
Z and Harper really love playing together. Z has recently discovered that he loves making her laugh and he does all kind of goofy things to make her giggle. But their favorite activity is chasing each other around the house or playing hide and seek. Harper adores Z and tries to do everything he does. Z is a typical big brother who knocks Harper around himself but the minute anyone else gets even close to hurting her... watch out! His claws come out - literally!
Z and Harper sleep in the same room now (I know! I haven't even written a post on that!). It is ADORABLE to hear them in there. Well, once we got past Z throwing things into her crib. Me: Z, STOP throwing things in her crib! You are going to hurt her! Z: I'm not throwing things. I'm just shooting cannonballs." Sometimes Z will start telling her stories or even singing to her. And he's so helpful when he comes out and tells me Harper wants me after she has been crying Mama, Mama for 5 minutes. :)
I'm amazed at how much kids can absorb at this age. There are so many times he just blows me away with stuff he says. He told me that next year for Halloween he wanted to be ice. Or maybe Word Girl. (Have you seen that show? Awesome!). He never wants to put a jacket on and he tells me he turned on the warm air in his boiler. One day he was going on and on in the car about his boiler and warm air and his fire. And then I hear him say, "Because fire changed the world." No idea where he got that. Hm. We are going over stories from the Bible for Advent and after talking about creation I asked him why God made the world. (I'm looking at a little devotional thing all ready to give him the answer.) He says: "Because He loves us!" The best answer ever! (And by the way, that was the answer in the devotional.)
Z's new preschool is a huge blessing. He really loves his teacher and is learning a ton. He comes home saying things like, "Mama, I shared with Harper, because that's loving." And "that's not how we treat our friends." They have music every day and his favorite song is "Slippery fish." Harper even knows it now and their favorite verse is "humongous whale, humongous whale, spouting in the water..." which shows another current obsession of Z's: the ocean.
We got passes to the Aquarium of the Pacific and we go almost every week. The kids LOVE it. Harper likes to find "nemo" and Z loves looking at the jelly fish, sting rays and sharks. It's a great outing for us and it reminds me of how big my kids are getting because we go without a stroller and the kids listen to me and stay with me (for the most part). I remember going when Z had just turned 3 and it was a completely different story.
And that's the note I want to end on... how much Z's behavior is improving. He is doing so much better at obeying and not fighting every thing. He is still a negotiator and I find myself pulled into his deal-making too often, which I need to work on, but at least it's not full-on defiance and fighting. He is learning how to control himself more and is showing more consideration and kindness for others. I can't believe how much kind words and affection from Z can help. I know my love should be unconditional but I'm human. My favorite is..."you're so sweet" which he says while holding my face in his hands. heh heh So funny.
So that's Z. I love him. And I'm so proud of what a big boy he's becoming.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Harper Joy - 19-20 months
It appears I'm on a once a month routine for writing on this blog. Well, that's okay. There's just a lot going on. But I've been meaning to write about Harper for a while to capture her development and personality around the 18 month mark.
Harper is just so much fun at this age. She can run after Z and jump on the bed and climb stuff at the park- it blows me away. There is such a difference when they have an older sibling to keep up with. Having an older brother has definitely slanted her interests more towards trucks than dolls. But she still has that feminine sweetness and she'll spontaneously "mma" you (a kiss) or even kiss the animal pictures in her book.
She is picking up new words all the time, which never ceases to delight me. The absolute most adorable thing she says right now is "Oody," which is Woody from Toy Story (yes, the no TV 'til two rule went right out the door with the second child). She LOVES "Oody." But she also loves her "bubba," brother. She says "elwo" for "hello" when she pretends she's talking on a phone. She says "almo" for animal and "eee" for treat, key, and sleep. She says "wa" for wash and walk. She says down and peez and mo. Now she is pointing out pumpkins wherever we go: "pumpy." And she says Harper as "hoppy."
Harper is also starting to assert her opinion a lot more and is most likely to throw a tantrum when she doesn't get a "ee"- treat. She can definitely pitch a fit. She has started to smack me when I do something she doesn't like, which, of course, I tell her no and sometimes flick her hand, but it is hard to take her seriously. She doesn't quite have the impact that Z did when he was her age. But maybe it's just because she's the second child and I'm no longer impressed.
Anyway, I am really, really enjoying this stage and our sweet little girl.
Harper is just so much fun at this age. She can run after Z and jump on the bed and climb stuff at the park- it blows me away. There is such a difference when they have an older sibling to keep up with. Having an older brother has definitely slanted her interests more towards trucks than dolls. But she still has that feminine sweetness and she'll spontaneously "mma" you (a kiss) or even kiss the animal pictures in her book.
She is picking up new words all the time, which never ceases to delight me. The absolute most adorable thing she says right now is "Oody," which is Woody from Toy Story (yes, the no TV 'til two rule went right out the door with the second child). She LOVES "Oody." But she also loves her "bubba," brother. She says "elwo" for "hello" when she pretends she's talking on a phone. She says "almo" for animal and "eee" for treat, key, and sleep. She says "wa" for wash and walk. She says down and peez and mo. Now she is pointing out pumpkins wherever we go: "pumpy." And she says Harper as "hoppy."
Harper is also starting to assert her opinion a lot more and is most likely to throw a tantrum when she doesn't get a "ee"- treat. She can definitely pitch a fit. She has started to smack me when I do something she doesn't like, which, of course, I tell her no and sometimes flick her hand, but it is hard to take her seriously. She doesn't quite have the impact that Z did when he was her age. But maybe it's just because she's the second child and I'm no longer impressed.
Anyway, I am really, really enjoying this stage and our sweet little girl.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
I Am What I Am
The kids and I were driving home from visiting a new park. I said that I wasn't sure I wanted to go to that park again. Z asked the ubiquitous "Why?"
Me: "There were a lot of people there."
Z: "Why?"
Me: "I don't know, it's a popular park, I guess. But that was too many people for me."
Z: "Why?"
I paused....
"Well, buddy, because I'm an introvert."
Z paused....
"Mama, I'm a truck!"
I've been reading a book called "Introvert Advantage" by Marti Olsen Laney, and it has been helping me understand some things better. Since 75% of the world are extroverts, being an introvert can make you feel like the odd-one-out. And there are all kinds of labels people throw on introverts like shy, quiet, self-focused, reserved. Here are some words from the book:
"The primary difference between extroverts and introverts is how they recharge their batteries. Extroverts spend energy freely and often have trouble slowing down. They can refresh themselves easily by doing something in the outer world. Introverts, on the other hand, are energized by the internal world - by ideas, impressions, and emotions. Their focus is inside their heads."
I've known since high school that I was an introvert. My entire immediate family are also introverts, so I think we had a good rhythm for our house and allowing each other space. I didn't really mind being an introvert until it started to make me feel really different from my very best friends. Three out of four of my closest friends in high school are extroverts. And at least two of them are probably on the extreme end of extroverted-ness. There were lots of times I would notice myself shutting down and wonder what was wrong with me. A weekend together was really exhausting but I didn't have the consciousness or self-discipline to take care of myself by taking breaks. I was often confused how I could feel so tired after doing something I loved (hanging out with friends).
By the time I was in the thick of my career I had more understanding about my abilities and limits and I was able to balance the intensity of work with recharging time (usually meaning alone time). There was quite a bit of alone time built into my day- the drive to and from work, time spent at the computer, chores at home, etc. There were times I would need some space from John when I got home, but we were able to work through that really quickly. And it didn't take much- just fifteen minutes to change my clothes, wash my hands, tie my hair back.
And then came children. The interaction with them, from the sweet and precious to the obnoxious and frustrating, DRAINS me. There are little people around ALL THE TIME. And they are very needy. And noisy. What's an introvert to do? There are lots of good tips in the book, but the ones I'm working on the most are:
1. Taking your temperament temperature. Being aware of what I can handle and not over-booking myself. Watching for the natural ebbs and flows in my energy and not expecting myself to do exhausting social things when I'm already low on energy. And, this is especially important, not feeling bad about saying no. This can be a little harder if your spouse is an extrovert, which I'm pretty sure mine is, although he is still denying it. I have a hard time saying no when I view it as holding John back. But we're starting to come up with more creative ways to handle things, like he goes early or stays late. Or I make sure I get some alone time prior to going out.
2. Re-charging. I already knew I needed alone time, but this book had some good ideas for things to do when you only have fifteen minutes or half an hour. Some of my favorites: staring off into space (I especially like to do this sitting on my front porch), doing a crossword puzzle, looking at a funny website or reading a magazine article. I've even had John drive the kids home after my Mom's house so I can have twenty minutes of quiet.
3. Be Kind, Don't Rewind. I love this snappy saying in the book. Introverts tend to go back over events and analyze (and often criticize) everything they said. (Extroverts are more critical of their actions.) It's all about how introverts process experiences and information. We have to compare things to the past, present and future to put it in a context that is important to us. One way we do this is by thinking things over again and again. But if the internal voice is critical, then it's not helping! Sometimes you gotta tell yourself to put a sock in it! And what's funny is that the words you think were so wrong probably weren't even noticed by most of the others (at least the extroverts, probably!). You can't let this internal critic make you fearful of sharing/talking/socializing in the future.
Anyway, just a few things I've been learning. I'll leave you with a link to this test for introversion/extroversion. You might surprise yourself!
Fun Test- Introvert/Extrovert
Me: "There were a lot of people there."
Z: "Why?"
Me: "I don't know, it's a popular park, I guess. But that was too many people for me."
Z: "Why?"
I paused....
"Well, buddy, because I'm an introvert."
Z paused....
"Mama, I'm a truck!"
I've been reading a book called "Introvert Advantage" by Marti Olsen Laney, and it has been helping me understand some things better. Since 75% of the world are extroverts, being an introvert can make you feel like the odd-one-out. And there are all kinds of labels people throw on introverts like shy, quiet, self-focused, reserved. Here are some words from the book:
"The primary difference between extroverts and introverts is how they recharge their batteries. Extroverts spend energy freely and often have trouble slowing down. They can refresh themselves easily by doing something in the outer world. Introverts, on the other hand, are energized by the internal world - by ideas, impressions, and emotions. Their focus is inside their heads."
I've known since high school that I was an introvert. My entire immediate family are also introverts, so I think we had a good rhythm for our house and allowing each other space. I didn't really mind being an introvert until it started to make me feel really different from my very best friends. Three out of four of my closest friends in high school are extroverts. And at least two of them are probably on the extreme end of extroverted-ness. There were lots of times I would notice myself shutting down and wonder what was wrong with me. A weekend together was really exhausting but I didn't have the consciousness or self-discipline to take care of myself by taking breaks. I was often confused how I could feel so tired after doing something I loved (hanging out with friends).
By the time I was in the thick of my career I had more understanding about my abilities and limits and I was able to balance the intensity of work with recharging time (usually meaning alone time). There was quite a bit of alone time built into my day- the drive to and from work, time spent at the computer, chores at home, etc. There were times I would need some space from John when I got home, but we were able to work through that really quickly. And it didn't take much- just fifteen minutes to change my clothes, wash my hands, tie my hair back.
And then came children. The interaction with them, from the sweet and precious to the obnoxious and frustrating, DRAINS me. There are little people around ALL THE TIME. And they are very needy. And noisy. What's an introvert to do? There are lots of good tips in the book, but the ones I'm working on the most are:
1. Taking your temperament temperature. Being aware of what I can handle and not over-booking myself. Watching for the natural ebbs and flows in my energy and not expecting myself to do exhausting social things when I'm already low on energy. And, this is especially important, not feeling bad about saying no. This can be a little harder if your spouse is an extrovert, which I'm pretty sure mine is, although he is still denying it. I have a hard time saying no when I view it as holding John back. But we're starting to come up with more creative ways to handle things, like he goes early or stays late. Or I make sure I get some alone time prior to going out.
2. Re-charging. I already knew I needed alone time, but this book had some good ideas for things to do when you only have fifteen minutes or half an hour. Some of my favorites: staring off into space (I especially like to do this sitting on my front porch), doing a crossword puzzle, looking at a funny website or reading a magazine article. I've even had John drive the kids home after my Mom's house so I can have twenty minutes of quiet.
3. Be Kind, Don't Rewind. I love this snappy saying in the book. Introverts tend to go back over events and analyze (and often criticize) everything they said. (Extroverts are more critical of their actions.) It's all about how introverts process experiences and information. We have to compare things to the past, present and future to put it in a context that is important to us. One way we do this is by thinking things over again and again. But if the internal voice is critical, then it's not helping! Sometimes you gotta tell yourself to put a sock in it! And what's funny is that the words you think were so wrong probably weren't even noticed by most of the others (at least the extroverts, probably!). You can't let this internal critic make you fearful of sharing/talking/socializing in the future.
Anyway, just a few things I've been learning. I'll leave you with a link to this test for introversion/extroversion. You might surprise yourself!
Fun Test- Introvert/Extrovert
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)