Top Ten Messy Z Stories

I once wrote about the most disgusting moment of motherhood to date. Key word is "to date." Little did I know that there were far more disturbing occurrences to come.

10. First poo situation. Z is 18 months. He explores his poopy diaper and has a very sensory experience in his crib. Caught it on video:


9. "Finger" painting with his toes in his vomit at the bottom of his activity center, The Office.

8. Straight-faced shovel full of sand into the face of a little girl who got too loud (What yo name? What yo name? What yo name?) and too close to him. Absolutely no warning on his face. Now knowing about his sensory integration delay, I can see why the girl was literally threatening to him. My first experience of being horrified at my child's behavior. Not knowing what was at work behind it, I just thought he was being really mean.

7. Poo on slide Top of the swirly slide. My friend (thank goodness I wasn't alone) stood guard warning off children while I ran to the car for wipes and plastic bags. Thankfully there was no smear of poop down the slide after, package delivered, Z slid on down. Z's re-enactment later that night: "Done go on da slide! Dare's poo up dare!"

6. Permanent marker on hard wood floor

5. Daily upheaval of room during nap time. For months!

4. On travel. Just off plane. John goes ahead to get the luggage. I stop with kids at bathroom. Z having really bad attitude. I give him a time out in a boarding area that is, thankfully, relatively empty. He is super angry about the time-out and he starts running around the row of chairs. I either have to chase him or just stand my ground and hope he comes back to me. I'm trying my hardest to stay calm. "Z, come here NOW." (In low, I-mean-business mommy voice). Z rounds the corner and stops directly across from me with two rows of chairs in between. He points and screams, "You killed my Faver!' (Yes, he meant Father.) I see a man start to chuckle out of the corner of my eye and I burst into laughter. I laugh so hard I almost cry. Z is so shocked he comes over to me and does his time-out. The kindness of strangers.

3. Z's reaction to a flu shot at the doctor's office. The door opened and he was a caged, injured animal set loose. Screaming (Full-on, cop-calling screams- see number two) and running through the ENTIRE office, back exam rooms, front waiting room, hallway to other businesses. "Get it off! Get it off!" Fifteen minutes of just barely keeping up to make sure he didn't impale himself on something. Harper in stroller, left behind at nurse's station. He almost throws himself into an elevator but a kind stranger blocks his escape path. Don't remember how I got him out of there and to the car.

2. Baby Z at home with Aunt and Uncle. So tired and upset. Can't sleep. Screaming. Lots of screaming. Cops show up.

1. (Re-creation of events, CSI-style) Z goes to the bathroom to pee. He gets distracted with Harper's new potty seat (plastic bottom, soft cushion top). He takes the seat to his bedroom to investigate. Grabs scissors and cuts apart the soft pad. Outer plastic tube, inner cushiony sponge. He cuts it into multiple neat little pieces. He realizes he never went potty and has an accident in his room. He looks around for something to clean it up. Sponges! He soaks up the pee. Nicely absorbent. Hm... the obvious next step? A little sponge painting with urine on the side of Harper's black crib.