Bringing Delay to the Light

So Z had his appointment for a developmental and speech assessment. It was much more challenging than I anticipated. And it has left me emotionally train-wrecked for the last few days. Cutting to the chase, they did recommend Z go to group therapy for an expressive speech delay. I'm glad to be doing something about it, but for now, it's hard to wait for that (paperwork takes a few weeks).

The whole experience has been painful but beneficial for me. As much as I already knew that there was likely a problem, seeing it more concretely and hearing others confirm it was hard. The process itself (the developmental assessment) was very difficult. They had to test Z on a wide range of physical and comprehension abilities. At first it was hard to get Z to focus on the task at hand when there were lots of new things to look at and a stranger (a very nice one) cajoling him to participate. I was able to help a little and he started to do some of the things she was asking, like open a container, play with a puzzle, throw a ball, etc.

As the tasks got harder, Z got more and more tired and more and more frustrated. He wouldn't do things that I know he can do and he fussed and made "nnn" kind of noises that show he's uncomfortable/unhappy. It was so hard to watch as he was unable to do things I know he can do and then to not even try other things. It felt like we were both failing a test. The occupational therapist told me that they had to push him past his ability to see how far he could go. So, I knew that there were things they were asking that a two year-old probably wouldn't be able to do. But I didn't know which skills were supposed to be beyond him and which ones were expected. That felt like failing an unfair test.

Toward the end, the therapist told me that it often happens that they won't do things in the evaluation that they do at home all of the time. She told me not to be discouraged when I see the report they send me, and that the evaluation is only a reflection of that point in time in that situation. That made me feel better, but I'm guessing that report is going to be really hard to read.

All of this brought a lot of difficult emotions to the surface. There is, of course, the feeling of failure, which I know is a lie. There is nothing either of us did to cause this. Reading one more book, singing one more song, enrolling him in a play class would not have changed this situation. We are where we are. The worst part was that I started to look at Z differently. I would flash to his frustrated grunts in that room and imagine him like that as an eight year-old trying to do homework. I started to see only the upset, mostly mute boy in that room. It took some time and help from others for me to remember that Z is a charming, bright, curious, capable toddler. Other kids like him. Other adults like him. He is a unique individual who God created, and I need to love him for exactly who he is, not who I might want him to be.

The thing is, I know in my head that this is a very small problem that is manageable and fixable. This is not a terminal disease or a life-altering disability. By the time Z is five (or even sooner), we will hardly remember that there was any delay at all. However, it is one thing to know something and another to feel it. I couldn't help but feel the disappointment and failure. I felt discouraged and sad and overwhelmed. But the past few days have been an exercise of mind over heart. After finally balling my eyes out to my husband and sharing all of the dark feelings and thoughts, I started to heal and accept. I had to sweep the feelings into the light before my brain could start to combat them on an equal footing. John was understanding, comforting and gentle in pointing out the truth about Z and the whole situation. He helped bring me back to the light of the truth rather than the darkness of my own inner turmoil.

It's encouraging to know that we will have help with this and I'm excited to think about Z being able to communicate more clearly and completely. Anything new can be overwhelming and I'm trying to give myself a break that I have a lot of hormones and tiredness right now that make it feel worse. I need to be patient with myself and with Z during this process. Not to mention a little thing called Christmas is right around the corner. I so want to be present to enjoy and savor each moment with Z- his last Christmas with just Mama and Dada.