Re-Training - Crying It Out Again

With the recent sicknesses, and even previously with a growth spurt and teething, Harper has started waking up at night. I could kick myself but I started feeding her! Gah! It was a good call to do it the first few times because I did think it might be a growth spurt, but after that, I should have known! That's a downside of breastfeeding this long: it is way too easy to whip it out in the middle of the night instead of simply comforting.
Anyway, mistakes aside, we're finally through the sickness (Harper's) and mental fog (mine) and I can see clearly now how she doesn't need the feeding. It has even started to affect her eating during the day. She is not eating very much of the solid food because she's getting the extra calories at night.
It is time to begin Crying It Out. Ugh. I thought I was through it. But here we go again. Harper's back in the pack-n-play in the living room (where she's been for a while, actually, because of the sick waking up at night- both Z and Harper). I'm trying to focus on this as a spiral of re-training. I am not back at the beginning. We are just revisiting. This happens a lot with kids, right? - having to learn and learn again.

Night One:
2:30am. 45 minutes on the dot. Hm.. one full sleep cycle. Interesting. I listened to Fernando Ortega turned up too high on my iPod. John had to use ear plugs. But we made it. Her crying was a little off and on until the end when it got more persistent. Those 9 month olds know what's up and she wasn't too happy about it.

Night Two:
Hallelujah! 12:30am. 5 minutes of crying and then she didn't wake up again until the morning. Another praise was Z didn't wake up that night either. Yeah! Six consecutive hours of sleep!

Night Three:
Another small wakeup for just a few minutes. Yeah!

I'm going to take a moment of self-congratulation and just say that I think my hard work in training Harper up until this point allowed her to more quickly get back on track with sleeping through the night. Sometimes it's hard to see the result of the work I do each day, so I'm thankful for this very tangible success. Also, it reminds me how quickly things can change and just when you think a particular struggle isn't going to end, it does. Hm. That sounds familiar. I guess I needed a little re-training too.

Z 3

Big Boy Z is three years old today! Weird to think back to that surprise Sunday when Z came one month early. We had NO idea what we were in for... in so many delightful and challenging ways.

Z is really growing up in so many ways. We can see how he has changed even in the last six months. He's talking up a storm and likes to point out things he sees- Mixer, mama! Struck-shun site not working, mama! After seeing a big wall built around the Storybook ride at Disneyland he is obsessed with construction and building things. Every morning he moves all of his trucks and big toys onto Mama and Papa's bed and builds a wall around the "whale." We've taught him to be a good foreman, putting safety first (watching the edge of the bed) and giving his construction workers breaks (for lunch and naps). At the end of the day he moves the construction site to another location in the house (since Mama and Papa need our bed to sleep). He is super excited to go to Disneyland tonight because last time we were there they told us the Storybook ride would be open today.

Z is starting to really enjoy music and singing now. They have a music time at preschool on Thursdays and he comes home wanting to play his guitar (his lawnmower turned sideways). He can sing two songs with all of the words, the Alphabet song and the Wonder Pets song, and a few others with some humming mixed in. When Harper cries I taught Z to sing to her rather than making loud roaring sounds. He very sweetly sings A, B, C, D...like it's a lullaby. It is so cute.

Z still loves gardeners, construction trucks, garbage trucks, dinosaurs and trains. And Curious George. He has learned to ask to watch George rather than just turning the TV on: "Okay watch some George now, Mama?" I also still really enjoy Curious George. The things that make him laugh the most are: jumpy squirrel on Curious George, getting tickled, the "hot-hot-hot" game with Uncle David and playing crash with Papa.

Z's potty training is still a bit of a challenge, but he has come a long way. We've gotten into a routine of when he goes and he has no problem going pee. We still struggle pretty much every time with the poo. We still use a kid potty for poops because he is more comfortable on them and can do it all on his own with some privacy in his room. He still gets dinosaur treats ("fruit" snacks shaped like dinosaurs) for going poo in the potty.

Z's sleep at night is about the same. He still wakes up once or twice on most nights. Just this last week he woke up really upset because he said he needed to brush his teeth. I shuffled back to bed and John helped him through it by taking him to the bathroom to brush his teeth. Once John flipped the light on, Z realized he didn't have a clue why he wanted to brush his teeth and he went back to bed.

Besides the waking up in the middle of the night, there has been a huge improvement in his going to bed and staying in bed. We had been disciplining him over and over for months and months about getting out of bed when we put him to bed at night. It really seemed like nothing would ever work. I guess consistency and time won the day. We told him one night that he could have a treat if he stayed in bed (a tactic we tried before that didn't work). This time it worked! He worked really hard to stay in bed even though he didn't fall asleep right away. And he got a treat. He has been doing it pretty much every night for a couple of weeks now. What a huge difference for John and I! Praise the Lord!

Overall Z is super imaginative and creative. Almost any toy can be turned into something he likes (lawnmower, edger, router, etc.). He'll take one small thing from something like a book or a Curious George episode and build a whole world out of it. We have spent an hour on a walk looking for the Rankins' silo (farmers on Curious George). If I didn't watch the show with him, I would have no idea what he was saying when he said, "It's the wrong siwo!" Or the other day in the bath when he told me he had found the satewite (satellite). Yes, another Curious George episode. Hilarious!

Z is a really sweet, fun-loving kid. We are so thankful for his health and growth over the last three years.
Happy Birthday, big Z!

Ask For Help

Just coming out of a week or so of physical and emotional breakdown on the level of post partum week 8-10. The trouble was that I didn't have a recent delivery and a newborn to help me realize I needed to ask for help. I've been struggling for months with interrupted sleep- mostly from Z who is still waking up 1-2 times every night. Then we got sick and Harper started waking up all the time at night. Somehow I still hobbled along expecting to still do laundry, make dinners, do something fun with the kids and so on until I reached my breaking point on Monday.

The best kind of friend listened to me cry on the phone and prayed with me and then convinced me to call John and tell him I needed help. He was able to leave work and come home to help. He was actually surprised since he thought I was fine when he left that morning. I had kept the tears back until I shut the door. John took the kids out twice so I could sleep some. Since he was home "to help," we were able to communicate better about what I needed. He had been around all weekend and I had never told him what I needed him to do to help me.

This has been a huge learning experience for me. Not just about recognizing my signs for help (for example, when I cry about lumpy mashed potatoes?), but communicating my need to John. I'm not sure why I think I have to be brave and strong and I can't ask for help. I was especially obtuse about it considering my history for mental disintegration when sleep deprived. But perhaps I can blame that on the lack of sleep. Or maybe it's just pride, pure and simple. I am so much harder on myself than I would ever be on a friend. Thank God for friends who can mirror you back to yourself and help you to see things how they really are.

Thank you, M, for your tangible, real friendship that reached me even through the phone. Love.

Some Words to Help

I found these verses helpful this morning after another night in a long series of nights without much sleep.
Psalm 62 (excerpts)
1 My soul finds rest in God alone;
my salvation comes from him.
2 He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.
...

5 Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from him.
6 He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
7 My salvation and my honor depend on God;
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.

8 Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.
Selah
...

11 One thing God has spoken,
two things have I heard:
that you, O God, are strong,
12 and that you, O Lord, are loving.
...

All Grows Up

It was a winding road that led us here, but Z started preschool!

His November birthday means he's either very young for his grade or older for his grade, so I'm pretty sure I'll be keeping him back so that he'll be older. That means that now that he is almost three, he'll have three years of preschool before starting Kindergarten. That seemed like so much that I originally thought I wouldn't put him in it this year. Praise God, things change!

First I thought I would do a structured play group with some friends. We would meet twice a week and take turns organizing something for the kids. That didn't pan out. (And I'm glad it didn't because it would have been a lot of work!)

Then, I signed up for a co-op "preschool" that meets at a park near our house. It seemed like a great combination of an outdoor environment with opportunity for playing with other kids and some project and learning times for development. I was required to work one day a week and then Z was able to go any of the five days of the week. It was very inexpensive but they make money by doing fundraisers and things like that. I thought it would be a great way to give him some structure and be able to participate myself. In the end, it wasn't for us.

First I started to call it a "play group" instead of preschool because I didn't want Z to get the wrong idea. It was mostly organized with play time, project time, snack, etc. However, there were so many kids (35-40) that it was like herding cats to get all the kids to participate. So, I thought, okay, I'll think of it as an opportunity to play with other kids only. But Z is not an out-going kid and really has to be drawn in personally to participate. He played happily by himself in the sand (lots of great sand toys) and only participated at snack time. I didn't like how it felt so anonymous. No one knew his name and no one was able to take the time to involve him. And then there was the amount of work for me personally. Working one day a week was pretty tiring and it was hard to balance Harper's needs on that day. And there were meetings and fund-raisers and social events.... I couldn't help feeling that I would always work way harder than what we were getting out of it. I called it the Costco of preschools. It was very inexpensive, but it was a lot of work and very mass-produced.

So, I don't want to bash co-ops, because they are all different and can be great depending on your needs. However, I'm glad it didn't work out because it made me research preschools and enroll Z this year. He's been going three weeks and he really likes it. There are only 10 kids and the teacher knows his name (of course! just pointing out the differences). I think the late start was actually a blessing because I didn't have preschool on my brain while potty-training Z. As if we needed any more pressure in that realm!

I'm just so thankful how God stepped me through this to end up here. I'm really pleased with it. The step-by-step to getting there was actually less stressful for me. By the time I started looking there were less choices which was a good thing for me! I'm amazed at how God cares about these things in our lives and guides us through it. And Z is amazed at his backpack!

Every Day is A Hard Day

I find myself saying, "this was a hard day," a lot. And I think every day that is like that I think that it was the hardest day yet. And then another day comes along to top it. And it is relative. One child is sick with a cold so you can't do any of your planned Halloween activities is hard. And then you get sick too. And then the baby gets sick. The baby suddenly waking up at 2 and 4am is hard (teething) and then the baby gets sick and wakes up even more than that, and what's worse is you can't sleep because you can't breathe through your nose and your throat hurts...

Blah, blah, blah...No need to elaborate. You all know what I'm talking about. But I'll summarize by saying it's been a tough few days here. Everyone is feeling better, but that didn't keep me from losing it with Z this afternoon in a power struggle over his tools, which I took away because he played with them during his nap time. I'm so ashamed when I lose my temper with him. Especially when it is physical and I spank him when I am upset. I asked Z to forgive me for getting angry and he said sorry for throwing a "tantum." And I know when he gets up from his nap (he's in there sleeping now) I'll love him just as I always have. Isn't that what God does? Isn't there nothing that can separate us from the love of Christ (Romans 8:35)? Even ourselves (1 John 3:20)? Yet I struggle to let go of my sin and move on. In reality, I doubt that God really does forgive me. And if He can't forgive me what hope is there of me truly forgiving Z?

If Z were to ask me, "Do you fo-give me, Mama?" would I ever not? Of course not! (I might hold a grudge for a little bit, but eventually I would- really, I would. Yes, I'm working on that too.) Don't I tell Z that I love him no matter what? Then how much more will the Creator of the Universe, the Prince of Peace, the Lamb of God forgive me?

And if I keep praying for God to fill me with His Spirit so that maybe next time I won't lose control and get angry...
"Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!"Luke 11:10-14