Ask For Help

Just coming out of a week or so of physical and emotional breakdown on the level of post partum week 8-10. The trouble was that I didn't have a recent delivery and a newborn to help me realize I needed to ask for help. I've been struggling for months with interrupted sleep- mostly from Z who is still waking up 1-2 times every night. Then we got sick and Harper started waking up all the time at night. Somehow I still hobbled along expecting to still do laundry, make dinners, do something fun with the kids and so on until I reached my breaking point on Monday.

The best kind of friend listened to me cry on the phone and prayed with me and then convinced me to call John and tell him I needed help. He was able to leave work and come home to help. He was actually surprised since he thought I was fine when he left that morning. I had kept the tears back until I shut the door. John took the kids out twice so I could sleep some. Since he was home "to help," we were able to communicate better about what I needed. He had been around all weekend and I had never told him what I needed him to do to help me.

This has been a huge learning experience for me. Not just about recognizing my signs for help (for example, when I cry about lumpy mashed potatoes?), but communicating my need to John. I'm not sure why I think I have to be brave and strong and I can't ask for help. I was especially obtuse about it considering my history for mental disintegration when sleep deprived. But perhaps I can blame that on the lack of sleep. Or maybe it's just pride, pure and simple. I am so much harder on myself than I would ever be on a friend. Thank God for friends who can mirror you back to yourself and help you to see things how they really are.

Thank you, M, for your tangible, real friendship that reached me even through the phone. Love.