Making Sense

My inner writer has finally nagged me enough to bring me back here again. It feels like a lot has happened in just six months so it's a little hard to jump back into writing. But no way to jump in but to jump...

Z has a delay in sensory integration.

There it is. Such a simple sentence with so much strain, effort and struggle behind it. Raising Z has never been a walk in the park, but after he was in preschool for a few months I decided to meet with his teacher and pick her brain about his behavior and if she had any big ideas for helping him. I just thought that if he was such a challenge to me at home then he had to be challenging her as well. I asked her if he interacted readily with the other kids, if he got angry, if she had ever seen him pedal the bike. That first meeting inspired his teacher, Mrs. D., to observe him more and note anything unusual in his behavior or development. I still praise God that Mrs. D. had enough experience and knowledge to look further into sensory integration as a potential problem area for Z.

Since then we have confirmed Z does have a delay in sensory integration. I like to say this more than "he has sensory integration disorder." Disorder seems unsurmountable. Delay is something he can overcome.

So what the heck is sensory integration disorder [also known as sensory processing disorder (SPD)]? Here's what wikipedia defines sensory integration dysfunction: "inability to organize sensory information as it comes in through the senses." A more useful description is available in "The Out of Sync Child," by Carol Stock Kranowitz: "SPD can cause a bewildering variety of symptoms. When their central nervous systems are ineffective in processing sensory information, children have a hard time functioning in daily life. They may look fine and have superior intelligence, but may be awkward and clumsy, fearful and withdrawn, or hostile and aggressive. SPD can affect not only how they move and learn, but also how they behave, how they play and make friends, and especially how they feel about themselves."

I've had some time to read and understand this so this is how I explain it to friends. A delay in sensory integration means that a child hasn't learned how to interpret all of the signals his senses send to his brain in the appropriate way. This could look very different in different kids because of all of the senses involved: touch, sight, sound, balance and movement (or, tactile, visual, auditory, proprioceptive and vestibular). It can also take the form of a child being either over-responsive or under-responsive. For example, a child over-responsive to touch may not be able to tell the difference between a light touch by a bee or by her mother. In the case of the bee, the child should be alert and careful. In the other, the child should be comforted and reassured.

No imagine that occurring with every sense-- imagine how overwhelming it would be to feel like every sense is potentially harmful. Imagine how it would feel to have your body in a state of "flight or fright" a lot of the time. Children in the situation learn how to protect themselves from those negative responses by secluding themselves, not being willing to try new things, being defiant or difficult or withdrawn.

I have seen all of those things in Z. Often it has been at times that seem inexplicable as it was a situation most kids love (bounce house, birthday party, park). So many times I was disappointed and confused by his terrible behavior, such as tantrums or aggressiveness, in places that were supposed to be fun. It happened enough that I did learn how to prevent and ease these reactions when I could. I guess I learned Z without knowing some of the why behind him.

Now that I have more information on sensory integration and how the brain and body respond, there are many mysteries about Z that have come clear. It's good to know that we were doing a lot of good things for Z already, but I sure do appreciate having a deeper understanding and rationale behind those decisions. It's a lot easier to say no to the second birthday party in one day when I have science to back up my mother's instinct.

So what now? I mentioned that a delay is something one can overcome. And it is true, that with some help (occupational therapy), Z's brain and body can catch up on the connections that aren't working quite right. And the therapy isn't tedious or difficult - it is playing! All of the things kids do all of the time help them make sense of their senses. Spinning, running, climbing, playing in water, play-dough, eating, dress-up. Isn't it wonderful how kids naturally do the things that help them grow! So Z is just getting a little extra, extra-special, play time. And we've already seen some good improvements, so stay tuned, if you're interested and I'll write more on that next time.

Thanks for listening!

Big Z - Four Years Old

Time is FLYING by and I've been too busy to write about it apparently. Really I just would rather nap than write for my blog. Anyway, I wanted to write about my amazing little boy. He turned 4 November 19th and he is at such a fun and curious age. There is so much going on in that little head!

Z still loves construction and machines (Might Machines, anyone?). Thanks to President Obama, there was lots of construction around our town this year and it is an endless fascination for him. The highlight was when the redid the sidewalk in front of our house and we watched a digger break apart the cement and pry it up with the pointy edges of the bucket like Harper picks up stickers with her tiny little forefinger. We literally sat on our front steps with snacks and watched for an hour! Z acts out his own construction in the house, using tape or books or play blocks as "yellow cones" and says there are signs saying "open trench" and "road closed." For his birthday he got a set of little sport orange cones from Grammy. The worst execution of this construction fascination was when he drew a line across the threshold of his room in black PERMANENT marker. (By the way, thank God for google, where we learned that a pencil pink eraser will get Sharpie off of hard wood floor. It worked!)

Z and Harper really love playing together. Z has recently discovered that he loves making her laugh and he does all kind of goofy things to make her giggle. But their favorite activity is chasing each other around the house or playing hide and seek. Harper adores Z and tries to do everything he does. Z is a typical big brother who knocks Harper around himself but the minute anyone else gets even close to hurting her... watch out! His claws come out - literally!

Z and Harper sleep in the same room now (I know! I haven't even written a post on that!). It is ADORABLE to hear them in there. Well, once we got past Z throwing things into her crib. Me: Z, STOP throwing things in her crib! You are going to hurt her! Z: I'm not throwing things. I'm just shooting cannonballs." Sometimes Z will start telling her stories or even singing to her. And he's so helpful when he comes out and tells me Harper wants me after she has been crying Mama, Mama for 5 minutes. :)

I'm amazed at how much kids can absorb at this age. There are so many times he just blows me away with stuff he says. He told me that next year for Halloween he wanted to be ice. Or maybe Word Girl. (Have you seen that show? Awesome!). He never wants to put a jacket on and he tells me he turned on the warm air in his boiler. One day he was going on and on in the car about his boiler and warm air and his fire. And then I hear him say, "Because fire changed the world." No idea where he got that. Hm. We are going over stories from the Bible for Advent and after talking about creation I asked him why God made the world. (I'm looking at a little devotional thing all ready to give him the answer.) He says: "Because He loves us!" The best answer ever! (And by the way, that was the answer in the devotional.)

Z's new preschool is a huge blessing. He really loves his teacher and is learning a ton. He comes home saying things like, "Mama, I shared with Harper, because that's loving." And "that's not how we treat our friends." They have music every day and his favorite song is "Slippery fish." Harper even knows it now and their favorite verse is "humongous whale, humongous whale, spouting in the water..." which shows another current obsession of Z's: the ocean.

We got passes to the Aquarium of the Pacific and we go almost every week. The kids LOVE it. Harper likes to find "nemo" and Z loves looking at the jelly fish, sting rays and sharks. It's a great outing for us and it reminds me of how big my kids are getting because we go without a stroller and the kids listen to me and stay with me (for the most part). I remember going when Z had just turned 3 and it was a completely different story.

And that's the note I want to end on... how much Z's behavior is improving. He is doing so much better at obeying and not fighting every thing. He is still a negotiator and I find myself pulled into his deal-making too often, which I need to work on, but at least it's not full-on defiance and fighting. He is learning how to control himself more and is showing more consideration and kindness for others. I can't believe how much kind words and affection from Z can help. I know my love should be unconditional but I'm human. My favorite is..."you're so sweet" which he says while holding my face in his hands. heh heh So funny.

So that's Z. I love him. And I'm so proud of what a big boy he's becoming.

Harper Joy - 19-20 months

It appears I'm on a once a month routine for writing on this blog. Well, that's okay. There's just a lot going on. But I've been meaning to write about Harper for a while to capture her development and personality around the 18 month mark.

Harper is just so much fun at this age. She can run after Z and jump on the bed and climb stuff at the park- it blows me away. There is such a difference when they have an older sibling to keep up with. Having an older brother has definitely slanted her interests more towards trucks than dolls. But she still has that feminine sweetness and she'll spontaneously "mma" you (a kiss) or even kiss the animal pictures in her book.

She is picking up new words all the time, which never ceases to delight me. The absolute most adorable thing she says right now is "Oody," which is Woody from Toy Story (yes, the no TV 'til two rule went right out the door with the second child). She LOVES "Oody." But she also loves her "bubba," brother. She says "elwo" for "hello" when she pretends she's talking on a phone. She says "almo" for animal and "eee" for treat, key, and sleep. She says "wa" for wash and walk. She says down and peez and mo. Now she is pointing out pumpkins wherever we go: "pumpy." And she says Harper as "hoppy."

Harper is also starting to assert her opinion a lot more and is most likely to throw a tantrum when she doesn't get a "ee"- treat. She can definitely pitch a fit. She has started to smack me when I do something she doesn't like, which, of course, I tell her no and sometimes flick her hand, but it is hard to take her seriously. She doesn't quite have the impact that Z did when he was her age. But maybe it's just because she's the second child and I'm no longer impressed.

Anyway, I am really, really enjoying this stage and our sweet little girl.

I Am What I Am

The kids and I were driving home from visiting a new park. I said that I wasn't sure I wanted to go to that park again. Z asked the ubiquitous "Why?"
Me: "There were a lot of people there."
Z: "Why?"
Me: "I don't know, it's a popular park, I guess. But that was too many people for me."
Z: "Why?"
I paused....
"Well, buddy, because I'm an introvert."
Z paused....
"Mama, I'm a truck!"

I've been reading a book called "Introvert Advantage" by Marti Olsen Laney, and it has been helping me understand some things better. Since 75% of the world are extroverts, being an introvert can make you feel like the odd-one-out. And there are all kinds of labels people throw on introverts like shy, quiet, self-focused, reserved. Here are some words from the book:
"The primary difference between extroverts and introverts is how they recharge their batteries. Extroverts spend energy freely and often have trouble slowing down. They can refresh themselves easily by doing something in the outer world. Introverts, on the other hand, are energized by the internal world - by ideas, impressions, and emotions. Their focus is inside their heads."

I've known since high school that I was an introvert. My entire immediate family are also introverts, so I think we had a good rhythm for our house and allowing each other space. I didn't really mind being an introvert until it started to make me feel really different from my very best friends. Three out of four of my closest friends in high school are extroverts. And at least two of them are probably on the extreme end of extroverted-ness. There were lots of times I would notice myself shutting down and wonder what was wrong with me. A weekend together was really exhausting but I didn't have the consciousness or self-discipline to take care of myself by taking breaks. I was often confused how I could feel so tired after doing something I loved (hanging out with friends).

By the time I was in the thick of my career I had more understanding about my abilities and limits and I was able to balance the intensity of work with recharging time (usually meaning alone time). There was quite a bit of alone time built into my day- the drive to and from work, time spent at the computer, chores at home, etc. There were times I would need some space from John when I got home, but we were able to work through that really quickly. And it didn't take much- just fifteen minutes to change my clothes, wash my hands, tie my hair back.

And then came children. The interaction with them, from the sweet and precious to the obnoxious and frustrating, DRAINS me. There are little people around ALL THE TIME. And they are very needy. And noisy. What's an introvert to do? There are lots of good tips in the book, but the ones I'm working on the most are:

1. Taking your temperament temperature. Being aware of what I can handle and not over-booking myself. Watching for the natural ebbs and flows in my energy and not expecting myself to do exhausting social things when I'm already low on energy. And, this is especially important, not feeling bad about saying no. This can be a little harder if your spouse is an extrovert, which I'm pretty sure mine is, although he is still denying it. I have a hard time saying no when I view it as holding John back. But we're starting to come up with more creative ways to handle things, like he goes early or stays late. Or I make sure I get some alone time prior to going out.

2. Re-charging. I already knew I needed alone time, but this book had some good ideas for things to do when you only have fifteen minutes or half an hour. Some of my favorites: staring off into space (I especially like to do this sitting on my front porch), doing a crossword puzzle, looking at a funny website or reading a magazine article. I've even had John drive the kids home after my Mom's house so I can have twenty minutes of quiet.

3. Be Kind, Don't Rewind. I love this snappy saying in the book. Introverts tend to go back over events and analyze (and often criticize) everything they said. (Extroverts are more critical of their actions.) It's all about how introverts process experiences and information. We have to compare things to the past, present and future to put it in a context that is important to us. One way we do this is by thinking things over again and again. But if the internal voice is critical, then it's not helping! Sometimes you gotta tell yourself to put a sock in it! And what's funny is that the words you think were so wrong probably weren't even noticed by most of the others (at least the extroverts, probably!). You can't let this internal critic make you fearful of sharing/talking/socializing in the future.

Anyway, just a few things I've been learning. I'll leave you with a link to this test for introversion/extroversion. You might surprise yourself!
Fun Test- Introvert/Extrovert

OK

Wow, it's been a while. I guess things have been busy. Since I wrote last I've been feeling better. Still some valleys here and there, but not like that weekend, thankfully. Some time away and a change of scene have helped.

I went on a girls' getaway weekend with some friends two weekends ago. They are more recent friends so I was looking forward to getting to know them better. It was a really great weekend with lots of good conversation and some alone time for me. I found it easy to do my own thing and they were all understanding. And I knew from previous weekend trips going all the way back to high school that I would need that alone time or I would get really crabby by Sunday. I really enjoyed it and felt refreshed coming back to my family on Sunday night.

Then, this last weekend, we took our first family trip since Harper was born. John, Z, Harper, my Mom and I all hopped on a plane and flew to Oklahoma for my grandmother's 90th birthday. We left on Thursday and came back on Monday. It all went very well, but it was pretty exhausting. Staying in one room with your children is not the easiest thing. The kids did really well and did sleep but just not exactly when I wanted them to. Harper took one nap with her head down on the shopping cart handle at Walmart. Z took one nap sitting in a swing.* It was a good learning experience for how we might want to structure a vacation in the future. And it was so worth it to be there for my grandmother, who is just as feisty now as she always was and ended her party with a ride on the back of a motorcycle.*

*Pictures below to prove it.

It was really hot and he just conked out. I was able to move him to the stroller and he slept inside for a while.


She's on the back in the pink t-shirt.

Hello Darkness My Old Friend (Psalm 88)

I'm learning that just when I start to feel like I've "kicked this thing," I start to struggle again. I've been tracking the depression and irritability in relation to my period, and there is definitely a pattern. So I was prepared for this weekend to be hard, but, man, it was hard! We went out Saturday night until late so I woke up Sunday morning completely drained and crabby. And then Z woke up crabby (at 6:15am!). And then John left to go surfing and I never did go back to sleep. I think I just laid there simmering. By the time John got home at 9:15am, I was done. I was so angry and resentful that, once again, John is off enjoying himself while I was home with crabby kids. Everything in me screams that this is unfair, even though we have worked it through so many times in our marriage. Him surfing on weekend mornings is really important to him and to me. But it's not always an easy gift to give. It wasn't John's fault that it happened to be a bad morning, but I was ready to blame him for all of it.

After a shower I was a little calmer and I was able to tell John how I was feeling. I so often bottle things up when I know they are ugly. This time I just told him how I was feeling and told him that it didn't mean he did anything wrong but that I was still struggling with it. He just listened, for which I was grateful.

Then off to church where the sermon was on depression from Psalm 42. Okay, God. Thank you. It was just what I needed in so many ways. There were so many things that spoke to me. First, that it is so common and it doesn't mean you're a bad Christian. I think this point is so obvious, but it helps to hear it again and again. And our pastor also mentioned how depression isn't something that just goes away one day, but it's something that can come and go and it's a process to work through it. So often I want to think that I'm just done with this hard part in my life and I'm finally "better." Second, that I have to stop listening to the lies I tell myself when I'm depressed. That I'm not good enough, that God isn't there, that I'm all alone, that I can't keep going another day. Third, that I need to listen to God's Word instead of the thoughts in my head. Like this:
The LORD your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with his love, He will rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17

-- I love this idea that God delights in me. Just as I am. Not just when I'm happy.
and this:
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:37-39
-- Nothing can separate me from Him. Even me.

Finally, the sermon also talked about going to other people for help. And not being too proud to ask someone to tell you the gospel again. And again. It's so hard for me to talk about this stuff and I hate crying in front of people. But John and I talked after church and I had some time to rest and reflect. I know God is using this for my good, but sometimes I just want to tell God that I'm done growing and learning. Can't I have it a little easier for a while? :) Well, I guess the Creator of the universe knows what He's doing.

Today I'm feeling a little better, but I'm on guard for the ugliness. It is most often stress-induced, so who knows what the rest of this day holds for me. I keep thinking about something my therapist said about God redeeming us. That the pain and suffering we go through is part of this fallen world. But that He is actively redeeming (buying back) and recreating us into His new creation. I'm going to pray that God will "redeem" my monthly cycle so that it isn't always my ticket to Crabby Land.
"I do believe; help my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24)

Quick Vignettes

Tonight at my Mom's, I asked Z to start cleaning up his toys outside. He climbed onto the chaise lounge and said, "Ok, but I'm just going to lay here and think about my day."

My Mom made a name tag with a string that goes around Z's neck. He calls it his medal. After he had decorated it with stickers and Grammy wrote his name, he said he wanted Harper's name on it too, because "she's my best friend."

Z has been very interested in what all of the traffic and parking signs say. He knows what all of the different colored curbs mean, too. The other day he pointed to a sticker on his three-wheeler and said it was his handicap sign. heh, heh. Well, I've tried to explain what it means, but I guess he just appreciates the close parking?

And some funny words Z has said recently:
> zuppachini (zucchini)
> carnita (granita- an italian sorbet style of ice cream that we made. I just thought that was an ironic pronunciation. Smile.)
> While playing Thomas, Z pointed to a spot and said, "Dat's Downa Mine!" I finally realized he was saying it was the mine which Thomas fell into in one of the stories. The title of the story is "Down A Mine."
> Z put one of his toys on my belly like a stethoscope and said "sumping's wrong with your insects."

Here he is making a train noise while driving this train. He can't seem to do it without closing his eyes. :)