I've been talking to a lot of friends lately about the struggles of being a Mom. I've also been thinking a lot about my own struggles- when I feel the most defeated, what I feel when I'm frustrated and angry with my kids, what events cause the most stress to me. Here are some reasons why motherhood is difficult for me. Perhaps they'll ring true for you also.
Previous Levels of Success Don't Always Translate to Motherhood
No matter what you did before you were a mom, you will always feel out of your element when becoming a mom for the first time. And as I come across every new step in mothering, I feel yet again out of my league. Then the second child comes along and you think it will be easier. To some extent it is easier, but every child is different and you have to learn how to adapt and change your approach with that new child. It's easy to remember previous successes in life- high school awards, college degrees, promotions at work- and think, I should be able to handle this. I have a college degree! I did this or that! And our society tells us that those are obvious measures of success and set you up for a prosperous future. And the irony is that a college degree doesn't really help with the daily challenges of being a mom- disciplining your children, not losing your temper, stacking blocks for the 15th time, cutting grapes and packing diaper bags.
Don't get me wrong, a college degree (as one example of success) is valuable and I highly recommend it. I even think it will come in handy (and already has) in communicating with my children, problem solving, multi-tasking. I'm just saying that it's a fallacy to think that a successful person will automatically be successful at parenting.
Parenting Requires A Different Measure of Success
Since my previous measures for success aren't translating to motherhood, I've been thinking a lot about what I view as successful parenting. And I'm starting to see why my frustration is so high when I have to discipline Z over and over again. I've been judging my success as a parent by Z's behavior. When Z is obedient, I'm doing a good job. Talk about setting myself up for failure! Z is a sinner, just like me. He will never be perfect, just like I won't. Yet I'm holding myself responsible for his behavior. If I did a better job, he wouldn't be disobedient or unkind. The only measure of my success is my own actions as a parent. Z will disobey. Z will knock over his sister. So, what did I do in response? Did I discipline him in anger? Did I take the time to firmly and lovingly discipline him and teach him what is right? THAT is my success or failure!
The tricky thing is that there is a correlation between successful parenting and the behavior of the child. If I am doing my best in training and disciplining Z, there will be results. But those results are long term and gradual. And Z's behavior is his responsibility as well. Even perfect parenting (as if that existed) does not always bring perfect results. A child does eventually make his own way and may turn away from the things you've taught him. Which is just another reason to trust God and rely on His grace in our failures and your kids' failures.
Lack of Recognition
Of course your two-year-old doesn't tell you good job. No one thinks they will. But I certainly think that someone ought to notice. Someone is going to stop me in the grocery and tell me what well-behaved children I have. My mom or in-laws are going to say that I'm doing a great job with their grandkids. My husband is going to be daily blown away by the way I handled the day with endurance and a sense of humor. Okay, maybe not that much, but shoot, a little appreciation goes a long way, right? If only I could really grasp this verse: "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving." (Colossians 3:23-24) How much would that change my daily life? And, I'm not letting our husbands off the hook, who really should make an effort to encourage us in our mothering, but imagine if we only cared about what God thought. And we only thought about our eternal reward. Phew. I'm not anywhere close to that, but thank the Lord that He is working in me. That is definitely something I'll be praying for...and I know God will appreciate it!
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Therapy Session (2)
Be careful of the stories you believe about yourself.
This one has really been brewing in my head for a while now. It's kind of a big umbrella for all the ways we think about ourselves- either from what others have told us, the roles we've filled, or our own patterns of thinking. For one woman this might be the care-taking role she has always filled as the oldest sibling that develops into caring for everyone else except herself. She finds her worth in caring for others to such an extent that she might feel worthless when she doesn't. For another woman this might mean that she thinks she's not smart because of words a teacher or parent said to her when she struggled in school.
For me, it looks like this. I think that if I plan and prepare and work hard enough then everything in my life will go smoothly. I think I'm smart and capable (which is good). But I think that because of that, everything should be easy. When I make mistakes, I beat myself up about them. It could be something as silly as forgetting to write something on my grocery list, thus causing another trip to the grocery store. Or it could be the bigger mistakes like losing my temper with Z or, on the other side of the coin, letting a discipline problem go unaddressed. If I really let the voice go in my head, these mistakes turn into failures, with a capital F. It's only a short jump to go from "I'm failing" to "I'm a failure."
What a lie! Not only am I not a failure, God tells me that He is perfecting His work in me. I will never be perfect on this earth, just like no one else will be. And sometimes stuff just happens no matter how perfectly I might plan and prepare. It is unrealistic to think that I can make anything perfect in this world. But, I can be confident that GOD is refining me in His perfect timing. And I can rest in knowing that His grace for me is infinite. And, if I really think about it from His perspective, does God care if I forget to buy milk? Doesn't He care more that I don't get bent out of shape about it and snap at my family? So, I'm working on staying alert for that voice in my head that tells me I'm failing. I'm fighting back against it and replacing it with God's words about me.
So think about it. What stories do you hear about yourself? Are they true? Where do they come from? Just because the words are in your head doesn't make them true.
This one has really been brewing in my head for a while now. It's kind of a big umbrella for all the ways we think about ourselves- either from what others have told us, the roles we've filled, or our own patterns of thinking. For one woman this might be the care-taking role she has always filled as the oldest sibling that develops into caring for everyone else except herself. She finds her worth in caring for others to such an extent that she might feel worthless when she doesn't. For another woman this might mean that she thinks she's not smart because of words a teacher or parent said to her when she struggled in school.
For me, it looks like this. I think that if I plan and prepare and work hard enough then everything in my life will go smoothly. I think I'm smart and capable (which is good). But I think that because of that, everything should be easy. When I make mistakes, I beat myself up about them. It could be something as silly as forgetting to write something on my grocery list, thus causing another trip to the grocery store. Or it could be the bigger mistakes like losing my temper with Z or, on the other side of the coin, letting a discipline problem go unaddressed. If I really let the voice go in my head, these mistakes turn into failures, with a capital F. It's only a short jump to go from "I'm failing" to "I'm a failure."
What a lie! Not only am I not a failure, God tells me that He is perfecting His work in me. I will never be perfect on this earth, just like no one else will be. And sometimes stuff just happens no matter how perfectly I might plan and prepare. It is unrealistic to think that I can make anything perfect in this world. But, I can be confident that GOD is refining me in His perfect timing. And I can rest in knowing that His grace for me is infinite. And, if I really think about it from His perspective, does God care if I forget to buy milk? Doesn't He care more that I don't get bent out of shape about it and snap at my family? So, I'm working on staying alert for that voice in my head that tells me I'm failing. I'm fighting back against it and replacing it with God's words about me.
So think about it. What stories do you hear about yourself? Are they true? Where do they come from? Just because the words are in your head doesn't make them true.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Therapy Session (1)
So it turns out that I don't blog as much when I go to a therapist. Interesting. I always knew blogging was therapeutic for me!
I've been learning a lot in my therapy sessions. I ended up switching to a Christian therapist and I'm so glad I did. The biggest difference was really just that I felt a lot more comfortable with her. She is very warm and personable and it is easy to talk to her. I've been surprised by the breadth of things we've talked about. All of it has been really good for me. I'm going to share some of what I'm learning where I think it could be helpful for others.
1. Parents Need To Take Breaks... especially if you're an introvert.
I always knew I was an introvert, but I underestimated how important getting alone time is for me. I can see how most of my breakdowns in the past have been after an intense time without breaks. I've really been prioritizing time away and it is helping a ton. John has really been supportive of this and reminds me every weekend. Having babysitters more often has helped and even when I'm working I take a half hour or more to do something on my own- get coffee and read a book, drive and listen to music. Having more time to myself has helped in my relationship with John also. So often in the evenings I'm just ready to shut down and zone out. Unfortunately, that is the most common time that John and I have together. But I find that my alone time during the day helps me reserve some energy for him at the end of the day. Talking through all of this with him has helped him understand me better, I think. The other night I was on the couch just decompressing from the day. He sat down on the chair next to the couch and said that he wanted to give me a hug and tell me that he loves me, but he could tell that I needed some space to myself. It was the best gift ever! It was like getting a hug and space at the same time! Perfect!
I've been learning a lot in my therapy sessions. I ended up switching to a Christian therapist and I'm so glad I did. The biggest difference was really just that I felt a lot more comfortable with her. She is very warm and personable and it is easy to talk to her. I've been surprised by the breadth of things we've talked about. All of it has been really good for me. I'm going to share some of what I'm learning where I think it could be helpful for others.
1. Parents Need To Take Breaks... especially if you're an introvert.
I always knew I was an introvert, but I underestimated how important getting alone time is for me. I can see how most of my breakdowns in the past have been after an intense time without breaks. I've really been prioritizing time away and it is helping a ton. John has really been supportive of this and reminds me every weekend. Having babysitters more often has helped and even when I'm working I take a half hour or more to do something on my own- get coffee and read a book, drive and listen to music. Having more time to myself has helped in my relationship with John also. So often in the evenings I'm just ready to shut down and zone out. Unfortunately, that is the most common time that John and I have together. But I find that my alone time during the day helps me reserve some energy for him at the end of the day. Talking through all of this with him has helped him understand me better, I think. The other night I was on the couch just decompressing from the day. He sat down on the chair next to the couch and said that he wanted to give me a hug and tell me that he loves me, but he could tell that I needed some space to myself. It was the best gift ever! It was like getting a hug and space at the same time! Perfect!
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
New
Just adjusting to the new normal here. Learning the difference between hard days and days lived in depression. Every time a difficult day pops up I get scared that the depression is returning. It feels like the black cloud (think Lost) is circling at my ankles and I'm not sure if it will grab me and throw me across the jungle or just click and go away. So far it has always left. Sometimes I kick it lose and sometimes I realize it was never there at all.
Mostly it is really just fear. Fear that the depression will come back. Fear that I won't realize it and I'll suffer through months of darkness again. But I have to remember that I will never be in the same position again. Before I didn't really know what was going on. Now I know what to watch for and I'm on medicine that is already working and can be adjusted to work better if needed.
My therapist (how weird is it to say that?!) says that every time I "exercise" my brain to get through the struggles and realize that it is not depression that I build my ability to do it again. Each time the exercise will get a little easier until I won't even realize I'm doing it. I'll just recognize the feelings and move past them. I like this idea of exercising or practicing. It reminds me of when Paul talks about training as if for a race (1 Corinthians 9:23-27). I feel like I'm practicing trusting that God will take care of me and by doing so I gain confidence in getting through the struggles of every day life.
Speaking of new... I think I felt the need to mark this new phase of my life. I decided to change my hair. I have not changed my hair significantly since high school.
Here it is:
(Don't pay attention to my dirty mirror.)
Mostly it is really just fear. Fear that the depression will come back. Fear that I won't realize it and I'll suffer through months of darkness again. But I have to remember that I will never be in the same position again. Before I didn't really know what was going on. Now I know what to watch for and I'm on medicine that is already working and can be adjusted to work better if needed.
My therapist (how weird is it to say that?!) says that every time I "exercise" my brain to get through the struggles and realize that it is not depression that I build my ability to do it again. Each time the exercise will get a little easier until I won't even realize I'm doing it. I'll just recognize the feelings and move past them. I like this idea of exercising or practicing. It reminds me of when Paul talks about training as if for a race (1 Corinthians 9:23-27). I feel like I'm practicing trusting that God will take care of me and by doing so I gain confidence in getting through the struggles of every day life.
Speaking of new... I think I felt the need to mark this new phase of my life. I decided to change my hair. I have not changed my hair significantly since high school.
Here it is:
(Don't pay attention to my dirty mirror.)
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Harper: One Year Old
Warning-- Gush alert...
My little sweet girl is one year old! Harper continues to exude her middle name, Joy. I love getting to know her personality as she becomes more expressive and able to communicate. Every time she turns her hands up (like she's offering you a delicate plate of tea cakes) in her "all done" sign, my heart melts. She scoots/crawls around like a little monkey with one leg tucked under her and the other foot out in front pulling her along. She is getting very quick at this crawl and loves to insert herself in whatever Z is doing at any given moment. Harper will often crawl over to my or John's legs, grab hold and bury her little face into a shin or calf. Her favorites sounds to make are "teh"- like a soft push of air through her teeth, and "mama" and "da" (with the long "a" like cat).
Harper is curious and likes to explore although she tends to stick to toys, books and swinging doors. She does not show the same fascination Z had for electric cords, thankfully. She does like to get into a cabinet in the kitchen she's not allowed. I tell her no and she gives me the most charming "who me" smile you've ever seen. A lot of the time she'll stop when I say no. She easily moves on to other interests. Sometimes she'll throw a mini-fit when I take something away. There is no more appropriate phrase than tempest in a teapot. She throws her head back, sheds a few tears and then, pop, as if the lid went back on the teapot, she's off to find something else to do. This is highly amusing although I have to stop laughing at this highly unacceptable behavior (hee hee).
Harper's favorite game is for me to chase her. I tell her I'm gonna get her and I make sounds on the wood floor behind her. She looks at me, sticks her tongue out and then scampers off to get away. When I finally catch her and grab her around the middle, her giggle sounds like bubbles percolating up through her throat. I can't get enough of that giggle. I can't say enough about my precious, sweet, fun little girl.
Here are some pictures from birthday festivities:
She was not impressed with what her Papa called a gratuitous American birthday tradition.
Her chubby little hands enjoyed mushing the frosting, though.
She's just started to push things and walk behind them. We see this tongue-out expression often. :)
My little sweet girl is one year old! Harper continues to exude her middle name, Joy. I love getting to know her personality as she becomes more expressive and able to communicate. Every time she turns her hands up (like she's offering you a delicate plate of tea cakes) in her "all done" sign, my heart melts. She scoots/crawls around like a little monkey with one leg tucked under her and the other foot out in front pulling her along. She is getting very quick at this crawl and loves to insert herself in whatever Z is doing at any given moment. Harper will often crawl over to my or John's legs, grab hold and bury her little face into a shin or calf. Her favorites sounds to make are "teh"- like a soft push of air through her teeth, and "mama" and "da" (with the long "a" like cat).
Harper is curious and likes to explore although she tends to stick to toys, books and swinging doors. She does not show the same fascination Z had for electric cords, thankfully. She does like to get into a cabinet in the kitchen she's not allowed. I tell her no and she gives me the most charming "who me" smile you've ever seen. A lot of the time she'll stop when I say no. She easily moves on to other interests. Sometimes she'll throw a mini-fit when I take something away. There is no more appropriate phrase than tempest in a teapot. She throws her head back, sheds a few tears and then, pop, as if the lid went back on the teapot, she's off to find something else to do. This is highly amusing although I have to stop laughing at this highly unacceptable behavior (hee hee).
Harper's favorite game is for me to chase her. I tell her I'm gonna get her and I make sounds on the wood floor behind her. She looks at me, sticks her tongue out and then scampers off to get away. When I finally catch her and grab her around the middle, her giggle sounds like bubbles percolating up through her throat. I can't get enough of that giggle. I can't say enough about my precious, sweet, fun little girl.
Here are some pictures from birthday festivities:
She was not impressed with what her Papa called a gratuitous American birthday tradition.
Her chubby little hands enjoyed mushing the frosting, though.
She's just started to push things and walk behind them. We see this tongue-out expression often. :)
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Job Performance Feedback
When I stopped working full time and became a stay-at-home mom, I knew that I would no longer get the feedback on my work that you get in a career job. I knew there would be no more performance evaluations or awards or raises. Getting praise for my work was very important to me and I wanted to know I was doing a good job and feel accomplishment.
In motherhood the feedback comes in smaller, less obvious ways. It's rarely in a verbal form from someone else, but I might see some changes or improvements in Z's behavior. Or I might realize that something I struggled with is no longer a struggle. I see it the most when I have markers to highlight changes. For example, when I compare Z's two-year checkup with his three-year checkup, I can see Z's growth summarized in an hour-long contrast. At two years I had a very hard time keeping Z calm in the exam room. I did everything I could to entertain him and he was still whiney and upset most of the time. When the doctor came in he tried to get out of the room. He hid in the corner and just stared at the doctor. It took a lot of coaxing to get the exam done. I remember being very worried about his minimal speech and frustrated that I couldn't understand what he needed. At three years we had a good time in the exam room. We read together and watched the cars outside. When the doctor came in, he sat calmly on the exam table and was very curious about her tools. He talked to the doctor and wasn't the least bit shy or nervous. Although I can't say that the improvement is really a direct result of my parenting, because age and development are a part of it, I can at least feel good that I'm helping Z along the way. I can say to myself that I'm doing a good job.
Yesterday, I had the uncommon experience of having a lot of feedback all in one day. I talked about depression at our MOPS meeting. Not only did I see the other women connecting to what I was saying while I was talking, I also got a lot of comments about it afterward. I'm so thankful it was helpful to others. I really feel like the Lord is using my experience to encourage others. What a great feeling!
And then, I had my family over for dinner last night to celebrate Harper's birthday. Everyone is usually complimentary of my cooking, but my brother specifically said, "You do good work." Something about the phrasing made it stick in my head more than usual. And then, after everyone had left, John said, "Thank you for doing such a great job on Harper's birthday." That felt really great! It told me that he noticed the time I took to decorate and make special heart-shaped cupcakes and so on.
What a great day! Besides the feeling of accomplishment, I also just felt happy! Happy! Celebrating our little girl made me so thankful and joyful. She is such a treasure and I'm enjoying her so much. I have so much to be thankful for, including the ability to feel thankful. Hallelujah! Thank you, Heavenly Father.
In motherhood the feedback comes in smaller, less obvious ways. It's rarely in a verbal form from someone else, but I might see some changes or improvements in Z's behavior. Or I might realize that something I struggled with is no longer a struggle. I see it the most when I have markers to highlight changes. For example, when I compare Z's two-year checkup with his three-year checkup, I can see Z's growth summarized in an hour-long contrast. At two years I had a very hard time keeping Z calm in the exam room. I did everything I could to entertain him and he was still whiney and upset most of the time. When the doctor came in he tried to get out of the room. He hid in the corner and just stared at the doctor. It took a lot of coaxing to get the exam done. I remember being very worried about his minimal speech and frustrated that I couldn't understand what he needed. At three years we had a good time in the exam room. We read together and watched the cars outside. When the doctor came in, he sat calmly on the exam table and was very curious about her tools. He talked to the doctor and wasn't the least bit shy or nervous. Although I can't say that the improvement is really a direct result of my parenting, because age and development are a part of it, I can at least feel good that I'm helping Z along the way. I can say to myself that I'm doing a good job.
Yesterday, I had the uncommon experience of having a lot of feedback all in one day. I talked about depression at our MOPS meeting. Not only did I see the other women connecting to what I was saying while I was talking, I also got a lot of comments about it afterward. I'm so thankful it was helpful to others. I really feel like the Lord is using my experience to encourage others. What a great feeling!
And then, I had my family over for dinner last night to celebrate Harper's birthday. Everyone is usually complimentary of my cooking, but my brother specifically said, "You do good work." Something about the phrasing made it stick in my head more than usual. And then, after everyone had left, John said, "Thank you for doing such a great job on Harper's birthday." That felt really great! It told me that he noticed the time I took to decorate and make special heart-shaped cupcakes and so on.
What a great day! Besides the feeling of accomplishment, I also just felt happy! Happy! Celebrating our little girl made me so thankful and joyful. She is such a treasure and I'm enjoying her so much. I have so much to be thankful for, including the ability to feel thankful. Hallelujah! Thank you, Heavenly Father.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
The Sunny Side of the Street
I'm still thrilled that the medicine is really helping and I feel like myself again.
This past week was a little challenging because I have a cold and sinus infection. I had to call John home early from work one day. It felt reminiscent of the "dark time" but I'm glad I was able to ask for help. And even more thankful that it really was just the sickness and not the feelings of depression coming back. I just got medicine for the sinus infection today and I'm imagining how great I will feel when I'm over that. Yeah!
Plus, things are picking up again as I start up MOPS again every other Wednesday and I'm going to start working more and we're starting a music class on Monday afternoons. I'm really happy for all of the activity and change. I feel like I've come out of a hibernation and feeling the warm sunshine on my face.
I'm going to be talking (briefly) tomorrow at our MOPS meeting about postpartum depression. I'm really excited to do it because I really hope it might help someone there in the room or even a friend of theirs down the road. It just feels like a miracle how different I feel from even three weeks ago. Praise God for His grace and steadfast love to me!
This past week was a little challenging because I have a cold and sinus infection. I had to call John home early from work one day. It felt reminiscent of the "dark time" but I'm glad I was able to ask for help. And even more thankful that it really was just the sickness and not the feelings of depression coming back. I just got medicine for the sinus infection today and I'm imagining how great I will feel when I'm over that. Yeah!
Plus, things are picking up again as I start up MOPS again every other Wednesday and I'm going to start working more and we're starting a music class on Monday afternoons. I'm really happy for all of the activity and change. I feel like I've come out of a hibernation and feeling the warm sunshine on my face.
I'm going to be talking (briefly) tomorrow at our MOPS meeting about postpartum depression. I'm really excited to do it because I really hope it might help someone there in the room or even a friend of theirs down the road. It just feels like a miracle how different I feel from even three weeks ago. Praise God for His grace and steadfast love to me!
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