tantrum [ˈtӕntrəm] noun: A fit of bad temper.

Have you ever seen that Mom in the store whose child is throwing a fit? I'm sure most of the time you felt bad for the Mom, and, if we're honest, there were times when you thought, "I'm never going to let my kid get away with that." Oh man. I am that Mom.

Since Baby Z turned 18 months he has decided to explore his independence by exercising his right to be upset. He cries, he does the limp noodle onto the floor, he runs to the wall and smacks his hands against it, he knock things around (an especially good effect when eating). We mostly tried the "ignore it" or "remove the audience" approach for the first few months. This worked pretty well; the tantrum would diffuse pretty quickly. However, Baby Z has grown in strength and stamina. He knows that this technique can sometimes work, i.e., he gets what he wants. I swore I wouldn't be that Mom. I thought I would stand up to him on principal alone, such as: "No, you cannot eat your vegetables right now. You can't get what you want just by throwing a fit!" But slowly, I started to let it happen. It is a slippery slope, my friends.

First it would be something like having the check-out person at the grocery store quickly (quickly!) scan the box of pasta so I could give it back to Baby Z because he HAD to hold it. Then I would find myself negotiating with Baby Z to get him into the car when he wanted to play in the yard. The idea of simply commanding my child to do something and having him follow (what I expected of my parenting) started to slip away. Then, before I knew it, slight moments of discomfort became full-on battles of will. When I really needed him to get in the car I had to pick him up and carry him there, potentially kicking and screaming.

Perhaps the Moms of toddlers know what's coming next. I had a break down. Or maybe a couple. Lots of crying and wondering why life is so hard. Thankfully, God uses breakdowns to wake me up and turn me around. I consulted (again) the several books we have on discipline. I thought through my approach for handling disobedience and crying fits (loss of self control). I sought advice. I prayed (and begged God) for wisdom. I decided what I wanted to do. Oh yeah, then I remembered that I should discuss all of this with my husband (oops).

After all of that, both John and I are refocused on discipline. We are now disciplining Baby Z for temper tantrums and crying fits. I finally realized that he was not going to stop unless he understood it was unacceptable and there were consequences, just like any other training situation, such as touching dangerous objects. Discipline for throwing fits is a little harder than the more tangible infractions because it involves emotion and frustration- genuine feelings Baby Z cannot stop. However, we can teach him how to deal with those emotions and help him learn self control. We talk to him a lot about self control and staying calm when he is upset. When he doesn't work to calm himself down, I show him what self control looks/feels like, by hugging him tight and putting his two hands together. If he is really out of control (where he won't be able to converse during the discipline), I put him in his crib to calm down. This is usually accompanied by my own time out (sans crib).

Also, both John and I have started talking to Baby Z more about our expectations before a situation. I tell him before we walk out of the house that we're going straight to the car rather than playing. John tells Baby Z we're having dinner in the restaurant and we expect him to eat and be patient; no throwing food or crying/complaining. I was pretty surprised how much that actually helped. Baby Z still doesn't say a lot of words yet, but he understands A LOT.

I can't say yet that we've had resounding success. It's something I'm sure we are going to struggle with for a long time (self control is a lifelong pursuit, after all), but I am hopeful it will start to get a little easier. The thing with discipline that I've noticed is that it seems impossible at first (if I discipline him for that, I will do nothing but discipline all day long), but with some consistency and hard days/weeks, it does start to get better. I'm trying to think about my day in terms of training Baby Z rather than the list of to-do's. I have to be ready to put in the time no matter what I'm doing at that moment. And I have to be ready to follow through with what I say, such as the woman* in parenting folklore who exits the grocery store when a child misbehaves no matter where she is in the process. In the middle of checkout. Apologize. Walk away. Oh, the courage of that woman! May she inspire me one day when I need it.

* I actually know this woman and am extremely thankful for the things I've already learned from her. And she probably doesn't even know it. Thanks JW up north.