Crying It Out - Revisited

I've been thinking and reading about crying it out lately. I keep expecting to have some of that with Harper as the newborn sleepiness wears off. I thought I would write some thoughts on it for myself and for those with new and not-so-new babies. Some of this is based on going through it once already (see Strategies for Crying It Out)and there are some things I would do differently.

1. Start As You Mean To Go: This is from Tracy Hogg's Baby Whisperer book. Her whole point is to make things easier for you and your baby by starting from the beginning with how you want things to be later. If you don't want to rock your baby to sleep at 3 months, then don't start with it at 3 days. It's easy to think there will be some age when you will feel more comfortable not rocking the baby and listening to him cry, but the truth is that changing later will be hard on you and on the baby. I would add to that that if you think hearing a newborn cry is rough, wait until you hear a 3-month-old cry. They just get better and better at tugging on your heart strings.

2. It's Not Too Late To Start: Having said number one above, I also have to say that it's never too late. Babies are far more resilient than we are, so chances are good that it will be much harder on you than on them to make a change when you decide to do it. If you're frustrated or unhappy with where you are now- change it! Don't convince yourself it's just a phase and things will change. Babies/Children need to learn how to sleep. Sleep training is a skill they will carry for years; just ask around and you'll hear of 2, 3, 4 year-olds who still get up in the middle of the night. Our bodies establish little clocks for our sleeping. If you're always getting up at night, your body will start to expect it.

3. Are You Really Ready?: Don't start it until you are 110% committed and your spouse (especially your spouse!) and other caretakers are too. You could work tirelessly to get them sleeping at night only to sabotage it by continuing the old routine during the day. As long as the baby is getting the old routine at any point, he will continue to expect it at other points. Don't confuse the baby by doing it half-heartedly.

4. Remember the Big Picture: This is part of number 3. If you keep in mind the big picture that you are doing what is best for your baby and your family in the long run, you'll be less likely to crumble in the moment. Write down why you are doing it on an index card. Tape the index card to the door of the nursery, carry one in your pocket, tape it to the mirror. Repeat it like a mantra when you're in tears because your baby is in tears. Also, remember that letting your baby cry will not scar the baby emotionally, psychologically, physically. Your baby does not think you're a bad Mom. Your baby will not remember that you let him cry when he is an adult in psychotherapy. (Now, I am very confident in these statements based on my worldview. Others may not agree and, if so, will have a much harder time with a crying-it-out scenario. This blog is probably not for them.)

5. Make A Plan: Decide ahead of time how you will approach the situation and go over it with others who can help reinforce the plan (especially a spouse).
METHOD: Will you wait a certain amount of time before going in to soothe the baby? Will you use the pacifier? If you're working on putting them down to sleep, I suggest reading this very helpful post based on Tracy Hogg's newest book: Sleep Training - Four S's
There are those that swear by the Ferber method which uses a ramping up approach where you start with 5 minutes crying and then progress to 15 minutes. I think this is probably successful in the sense that it is a ramping up that parents can handle. That is extremely important because the parents need to stick with it. Now, for me, I found that I had to go whole hog. The minute I cracked and went in to Baby Z it only made things worse and started the clock all over. In a way, it tells the baby, "If I cry long enough, she'll come back. So, I'll keep crying." That said, I would just recommend you develop a plan and then stick with it. As long as your consistently working toward them falling asleep on their own (whether gradually or abruptly) then you'll get there; it is just a matter of how long it will take.
DISTRACTION: Part of your plan should include what you will be doing while the crying is going on. You must do something to keep yourself occupied and distracted. Go outside, put in earplugs, listen to music, organize the junk drawer. Whatever it takes. If your spouse is stronger, let him stay in the house while you go out for a walk. Or, go outside yourself (assuming you can hear enough to know if there is danger - choking, gagging, earthquake, fire. Smile.) One distraction that worked for me was writing about the process. Writing for my blog was accountability and catharsis all in one. A phone call to a friend (who is supportive and understanding, obviously) is also a good distraction.
TIMING: Decide when to start your plan. Perhaps you'll need to clear the calendar so the baby can sleep at home. Maybe you want to include the weekend so your spouse can help (or perhaps you need to avoid it because your spouse will weaken your resolve). Maybe you need to do it on the days when you don't have other caregivers. I would recommend giving yourself three days to work on it (See number 6 below).

6. Stick With It. Stick With It. Again, Stick With It: Rome was not built in a day. Sleep was not conjured in 2 nap times. I always prepared myself for 3-4 days of hard work. It takes time and repetition for a baby to learn something new. You can't expect to change something in one nap and see immediate results.

7. If You Cave In, Don't Give Up: I wrote this with baby number one and I'm so glad to see that. I struggled more with expecting perfection with my first. I though that if I messed up the game was over; there was no going back. Again, babies are resilient. If you don't stick with the plan, dust yourself off and start again at the next nap. Listening to a baby cry is extremely difficult. It is one of the most grating and stressful sounds on the earth (literally- there was a study on it). So give yourself a break and then get back on that horse.