Decisions Are The Worst

I've been reading a really good blog recently: Chronicles of a Babywise Mom. Unlike me, she has used the Babywise approach past the sleeping through the night phase. I got the Babywise II book but, honestly, only used some of it. Now, I've started reading it again and I could kick myself! There are so many things I could have done to make life easier now. I must go out and get Toddlerwise now.

I realize that I have opened up too wide the freedoms Z has. Babywise and Toddlerwise talk about the funnel of freedom and how you limit freedoms to a child until they show the maturity/capability to handle them. For example, you wouldn't let a 10-month old play with the remote, even though at the time they are doing no harm. He doesn't know how to change the channels and he hasn't started banging it on the coffee table. However, one day he will start that behavior and it will no longer be okay to touch the remote. So, it is better to restrict it from the beginning than to suddenly have to pull back a behavior that was previously okay.

I have to admit I didn't do a good job at that. When thinking through my strategies for baby "proofing," that is, what I wanted to be off-limits in the house, I failed to think through what it would look like for Z to do something similar when he was older. I didn't limit certain behavior early because the effects were minimal. Then, later, when Z became more developed and creative, I realized I should have never let him play with such-and-such. I also tended to think that a restriction at 10 months was going to be a restriction forever so I would hesitate to limit him. Instead, I should have been thinking that, for that time, Z wasn't able to handle something, but later he might, and at that time I could give him that freedom.

Let me give a practical and more personal example. When Z was around two years old I started to let him eat snacks in the living room. He did a pretty good job of being careful, but he was physically not coordinated enough to keep from spilling fairly regularly. Besides that he also gets extremely transfixed by the TV (like his Mom) and becomes so unaware that he spills and doesn't even realize it. It wasn't until I was pushed to an extreme (mashed Crispix all over living room) that I pulled back the freedom and made him eat snacks at the dinner table again.

Another good point from Toddlerwise, summarized by Chronicles of Babywise Mom was that when toddlers have too many choices behavioral problems ensue. Giving them too many choices pushes them beyond their developmental capability. It also gives them the feeling that they have more control than they do. After reading this I wrote a list of the times I give Z the opportunity to make a choice. I guess I had heard that a good way to keep a toddler from tantrums was to give them some choices. This is probably true, but if you go over board they start to expect it and then throw tantrums when they don't get the choice. Backfire. When I looked at my list I realized that I was, in a sense, negotiating with Z all day long. This cereal or that. This shirt or that. Even by asking him if he wanted to go to the park is misleading. I had already decided we would go to the park, so there is no point asking him his opinion. Then I'm stuck in a negotiation, convincing him it will be fun, etc.

Holy cow! The lightbulb has really gone on! Now I'm more aware throughout the day about how I tell Z what to do. Probably 95% of the time I phrase it like a question. Even when I say the command outright, I can't stop myself from saying, "okay?" on the end. Urgh. This is going to take some serious retraining- and I'm talking about me, not Z. I also realize how often I let Z pick what he is going to do rather than direct him. Just in one day, after reading that blog entry, I started telling Z what he was going to do next rather than just letting him decide (when we have free time usually because I'm feeding Harper). I picked the snack and set up an activity. I was amazed how well he responded! I was expecting tantrums or at least protest, but he just went along. (Boy, you know you've let the discipline go if you are surprised when your child obeys you. Sigh.) He actually really enjoyed it. Gosh, this all seems so obvious now, but, oh well, it's more important what you do once you know than what you didn't do when you didn't know.

Like I said, in that one day where I changed my approach and started directing rather than just sitting back, there was an improvement in Z's behavior. And, well, don't get me wrong. I still had to do a lot of disciplining. Perhaps more. But it was my attitude and mentality that was better. I felt like I was the leader/manager/parent. I wasn't the victim, waiting to see what my toddler would inflict. This is very similar to how I felt when Z was 10 weeks old and I was wound tight at every nap wondering if Z would sleep or not. My Babywise mentor came over to help and we worked through an approach to help Z sleep and help me keep sane. Once I had a plan for how to handle Z's crying, I was a new person. His crying hadn't changed one bit but I had changed. I can never say enough about having a plan.

Wow. I feel like I'm actually trying to be a parent again after many months of just trying to get by. It's not an excuse, but being pregnant (1st and 3rd trimesters) was pretty tough while parenting a two year-old. However, it probably just cracked the veneer of my parenting, and showed where things were already barely holding together under the surface. When I had energy to entertain and cajole Z, things were easier. It wasn't that he was better behaved; I was just better able to extract the good behavior. I'm thankful for the gentle way God is showing me this now, when I'm ready to handle it.

That felt good to get all of those thoughts down. Naptime is almost over. I only slept 15 minutes because Z has been waking up regularly during his naps (and sometimes at night too); I'll save that for another blog. But really, I couldn't go back to sleep because I have all these thoughts running through my head. And that is the main reason I started a blog in the first place. So, thanks for listening.