Tantrum at grocery store yesterday because the cart with the car in front wasn't there. Z wouldn't get into the regular cart so I told him we were leaving. On our way out the door, actually, when I stopped to discipline him because he wouldn't walk out the door, a cart with a car showed up. He still got the discipline but I did go ahead with the shopping. Not sure if that was the right thing to do or not. Then, as we were buying our groceries, the bagger asked if the checker had scanned the candy, looking down at Z in the car. I said, oh, no, we're not going to buy that... and then he informed me it was already being consumed. A Butterfinger eviscerated, chocolate slobber running down Z's chin.
I know that part of Z's disobedience is boredom. We couldn't go to speech play group because he was sick, and I only have short windows of time and little imagination at the moment. So we're inside a lot and coloring gets old. Thus, Z eats a pink crayon and spits it out on our rug. I feel like I did in the first trimester of pregnancy when I didn't have the energy to keep Z moving and then got frustrated when he got into everything. The up side is that I have enough energy and strength to discipline him. I know that will help in the long run and that it is the right thing to do. He is testing the limits now that Harper is here, and I have to show him now that the rules haven't changed or else...everything gets a lot harder.
I'm struggling with patience and love for Z. I have often thought how nice it would be to just have Harper right now. Then I feel like a horrible Mom, of course. But I think it's okay to want a break from your toddler, right? I'm not planning on dropping him off at the orphanage or anything. Just a few hours to take a shower, check email, clean up the house. That's fair, right? Well, I have my wish for now because a babysitter just took Z to the park. He gets to run around; I get down time. Win-Win.
So, I'm praying that my down time now will help me be more patient and energetic with Z this afternoon. And I'm praying my love for Z will be unconditional and persistent even when he's disobedient. (Does that mean I have to always like him too?) This has made me think about how God continually forgives and loves us when we do a lot worse things than grind our cereal into dust all over the living room.
1 comment:
When my son was born my daughter was two. There were many days I struggled to show her love and tolerance. Today, with a 10 month old and a 3 yr old, it is much better. Sometimes I barely remember how hard it was at first. Thank you for your honesty. I'm glad to know I'm not the only mom who has felt less than a perfect love for for their child.
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