How Long is Too Long?

I got a question on how long one should let a baby cry, when trying to get them to sleep through the night.

Chronicles of a Baby Wise Mom has a good post on Crying It Out Responsibly. For me, if the baby is crying at intervals, that is, he/she stops crying occasionally (even for just a little bit, but not the kind where they are just pausing to draw in breath) then you can know that they are fine. They need time to resettle. When I pushed Z to sleep through the night, his cries were pretty loud and angry sounding but they only lasted 15 minutes. However, I knew from his crying during naps and such that it was a cry within normal limits, if that makes sense. Doctors will tell you anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour and a half of crying is okay. That seems a bit arbitrary to me. The best judge is Mom. Definitely listen to your baby and gauge whether she is okay. But remember, in the middle of the night, even very modest crying seems overwhelming. Listen for a pattern of crescendos and calms. If the baby is coming back down from the peaks of crying, then you know they are soothing themselves and are likely to settle back down. But you may have a few more peaks to go through first.

Also, you should consider how the baby falls asleep for naps. Do you rock the baby to sleep, use the pacifier, swaddle, etc? If the baby woke up during daytime naps, did you help him/her fall back asleep? These are important elements to how able the baby will be to falling back asleep on her own at night. Now, the nighttime sleep should be one of the easiest for baby to fall back asleep because they are in that sleep phase which tends to be deeper. That said, if you have been giving the baby a pacifier to go to sleep or fall back asleep, consider that in the equation. You could either give her the pacifier and decide to work on going without at another time, or you could go whole hog and wait for her to go back to sleep without pacifier. The second option will probably require more crying. Even Baby wise says it's okay to help soothe your baby back to sleep with a pacifier when working on dropping a feeding (just beware that once you're up and holding her, you're much more likely to cave in and feed her-at least that is how it was for me). However, the pacifier does tend to interrupt nighttime sleep. The baby is used to it and then they wake up without it and can't go back to sleep on their own. One option would be to work on the baby going to sleep on her own (if she doesn't already) and then try the crying it out in a week or so.

Another thing to consider is that sleeping through the night is a developmental skill. I just read that in an article-- that sleeping through the night has more to do with the age of the baby than the weight of the baby. It just happens that a common age for sleeping through the night (5-6 hour stretch) is also about the time when the average baby hits the 8 or 10 pound mark (would that make it around 6 weeks or so?). It helped me to think of the crying it out as training Harper to sleep rather than denying her food. Sure, a baby who is used to waking up at night to eat will be hungry if they wake up. You or I would also be hungry if we woke up in the middle of the night. However, the baby doesn't need the food; she will make up for the calories in her waking hours. The first night you let the baby cry, she'll be hungry, but usually by the second night the baby has compensated for the missed feeding and will be better "prepared." If your baby has slept longer through the night than what they are currently doing, then you know they can do it. Harper did a couple of nights where she went to 5am and then 6am. This told me she was able to wait to eat and was ready to work on the sleeping skill. I could also tell that she wasn't starving for her 7am feeding since she had just eaten at 4am. Remember these facts when your heart feels like it will burst listening to your sweetie cry at 4am.

You could also push the last feeding of the night a little later and see if that helps her go a little longer. This was a good test for me. When I moved Harper's last feeding later it didn't make a difference. She still woke up at 4am. This told me her little clock was stuck on that time. It was a matter of habit not necessity. I've also heard of others who suggest cluster feeding at the end of the day to pack in more food. So, rather than doing one 3 hour increment between the evening and late night (7pm and 10pm), you squeeze in two feedings at a two hour increment (7pm, 9pm, 11pm). I never really did this, but others have liked it. I kind of think it just helps you feel better that they've gotten enough so you're more likely to stay strong in the middle of the night (see comments above about developmental skill rather than feeding matter). I am completely supportive of doing whatever you need to do to make sure you are as strong as possible in your will to let the baby cry it out. Set yourself up for success. Don't push baby to cry it out after a crazy day of erratic feedings and naps.

So I know this is another one of those things you read that leave you with a bunch of options rather than answers. The bottom line is that you know your baby best. One baby's 15 minutes could be too much while another baby's 2 hours is fine. Listen to your baby and remember that you're working for what's best for her in the long run. An hour of crying seems okay to me, but I would be listening for those variations in intensity. The longest Z ever had to cry was an hour and a half. This was when we were working through the 45-minute intruder at 6 months of age. I think you already deserve a medal of honor for holding out for an hour with your 18 week-old. Hang in there and keep trying!

P.S. For what Baby Wise says about sleeping through the night, go here. For those who may already be shocked, dismayed or discouraged by this post, don't go see what Baby Wise says.