Where Have I Been?

How is it that each day can seem SO long and yet the weeks just fly by? Harper is 12 weeks old today. It seems like not that long ago we brought her home. I still do occasionally get surprised when I see her sitting in her little seat or laying on a blanket. I tend to leave her places in the house and then forget about her (she is so quiet!). I'll be walking by her seat and suddenly a little kick of the legs will catch my eye. I'm going to blame it a little on the cumulative effects of sleep-deprivation, but there is a little of the second child syndrome in there also.

This week seems to be barely creeping by. Z has had a fever for the past three days and now has cold symptoms. That means we haven't really been out of the house much and we're watching a lot of Curious George. On top of that, Harper has been eating funny (not long enough, not interested, etc.) and then that is throwing her naps off a little. I have to just be thankful for how little she does cry because when she does and it coincides with Z needing something (always urgently!), I feel like my head will explode.

And, in the perfect trifecta of domestic life, John and I had a big fight this weekend. Everything is fine now and it was really good for us to air out some things. It's amazing how God uses children as a refining fire in my life. He continually brings my ugliness to light and makes me deal with it. In this highly demanding infancy and toddlerhood phase, I find myself going into a self-preservation mode where I convince myself I can only give exactly what I'm giving. Any other demands (typically my husband's) are just going to have to wait. Along with this self-protection comes a resentment and anger at the other demands that come, in whatever form: whatever seems to me to be above and beyond the daily strain of life. Somehow I manage to clean the bathroom but can't spare five minutes to cuddle with my husband on the couch. (Of course, some of that is feeling overwhelmed by the amount of physical touch required for a baby. I'm not an extremely cuddly person and I find that a baby more than fulfills my cuddle-meter, so more physical affection for and from my husband seems more than I can handle.)

Anyway, the point is that this is hard. But I can't let that be an excuse for my ugly behavior. All the things I'm trying to teach Z: self-control, not throwing tantrums, being patient, I need to work on for myself. There is nothing so humbling as realizing you just threw a tantrum (high chair tray across the room, anyone?) when you've disciplined your toddler all day for doing the same. I need to focus on praying for patience and endurance amidst the difficulty rather than praying the difficulty would go away.