Will It Ever Get Easier?

I've been browsing back through old posts and remembering what I struggled with when Z was a newly roaming toddler. It is such a good thing to look back and see how Z has really improved in areas where training him was such a challenge. Some of it is training (parent setting expectations and enforcing them) and part of it is developmental (Z moving on to conquer new skills). So, I thought I would write a summary that might be encouraging to a Mom out there who is starting in one phase or another.

These are rough definitions of time that could begin earlier or later depending on the child.
One Year- The Exploring, Newly Mobile Toddler
The entire day is dedicated to exploring and investigating. He constantly goes back to touch things that were clearly a No yesterday (10 times a No) and then finds time to get into even new and better things (lotion was a favorite of Z's). A friend with three kids explained to me that a young toddler has very little memory in the sense of learning a concept and keeping it. That doesn't mean they are stupid, it just means that they learn through repetition, repetition, repetition. Each day is like a new start, so don't expect them to remember what you told them yesterday. They don't even know what yesterday is. Expect to be constantly training them and for them to continue to push the boundaries. I kept thinking that one day it would click with Z and I wouldn't have to tell him AGAIN to not touch the TV (for example). In reality, it is more like a meandering path: one day he might do really well and the next he's all over it again; then he may not touch something for weeks and then one day go right back to it with a vengeance. The good news (I can see it clearly now) is that the meandering path does head in the right direction due to, as I said above, training and development.
The hard part for me during this phase was the repetition of it. It seemed like it was never going to get better. I had to be constantly vigilant and it felt like I never had time to do anything on my own. Every time I tried to get something done, Z would get into something and make a big mess. This is just one of those times when they will need A LOT of supervision, but it does get better.

Two Years- The Willful, Newly Independent Toddler
Now exploration isn't as big of a motive. They are still very curious and inquisitive but the touching and pursuing is not as frenetic or compulsive. There are a lot of things they've already discovered and aren't as interested in anymore. In this phase I saw Z start to really process concepts and put things together into categories. Typically, the verbal communication is coming at this point, too, and they can tell you about the things they're figuring out. I also saw Z start to imitate adult behaviors more. This is when Imagination comes. Suddenly just about any long-ish toy can become a leaf blower and anything with wheels that one can push is a lawn mower. They are more interested in playing with others, especially in a role-playing kind of way. When we started giving voices to his stuffed animals or trucks, it was magical for Z. (It was also an excellent tool to get him to do something he didn't want to do, such as brushing his teeth. Amazing how Curious George could be so persuasive!)
This is also the stage where they figure out they are their own person. They suddenly don't like you getting in their business- cutting nails, brushing teeth, washing in the bath could become a problem when they weren't before. I found that explaining what I was doing and why was helpful with this. Don't just jump in and expect them to be okay with it. The infamous Terrible Two year-old is ready to assert his will and opinions. They realize they can say no and that it often gets a good reaction from Mom. For me, this has been a learning experience about giving Z some freedoms while not giving him to much (See Decisions Are the Worst). I heard a very wise and experienced Mom describe this phase as the battle of the wills. She said if the parent does not win, you will never win. This is a key point in teaching your child who is in charge. And it isn't about your ego; it is about training your child to be teach-able and obedient, skills that are essential to so many things in life. Your battle now will make it that much easier to guide your child through the phases that are yet to come. Putting off the battle to later only makes it much more difficult. I try to remember this when I feel tired and willing to give in. I imagine the power struggle with a 6, 8, 12 year-old and it helps me buckle down.
For me, this phase has been challenging because it is easy to take things personally. The child's non-compliance feels more like a direct challenge to your authority (which it is but only because he wants it his way, not because he wants to spite you). This phase (now that Z is talking more) also brings more negotiating. I constantly struggle with this. I give in to the discussion with Z rather than simply enforcing my decision. There is a place for listening to your child, but there also needs to be a line. When you've commanded them to do something or told them no, you have to stand your ground.

In summary, I try to remember constantly that this is a process. We are not going to just wake up one day and say, "Phew, glad that training and disciplining phase is done!" But, over time, it is possible to see the progress your child is making. I think back to a year ago (Z was 18 months) and remember that we struggled with getting him to sit and not fuss in restaurants (there were times we had to take him out and spank him 3-4 times). And, we couldn't walk down the street without constant vigilance because he would suddenly veer off away from us (and potentially into the street, although he never did). Now, we can go walking at our favorite location (a quaint small town Main Street kind of place) and Z does a pretty good job of staying with us and definitely knows to hold our hand to cross the street and such. And, for the most part, he also does a really good job of sitting patiently at a restaurant. I remember thinking we would never be able to really enjoy those activities with Z. And now we can!

So, whatever phase you're in, be sure that some things will get better and that new challenges will come. But don't lose sight of you and your child's progress when you're in the midst of it all.