Saturday Morning. Day One of a week without John, who is on a surf trip in Mexico. (Yes, fully supported and not resented by me.)
Goals for the Week:
1. Have fun. Pancakes for dinner. Ice cream for breakfast. Whatever! We are going to have fun! Special day trips and beach fun planned. Don't just count down the moments until John gets home.
2. Pray every day. For myself, for John, for Z and for Harper. Praying Z has a "good" week of behavior. Praying I am strong and consistent no matter what kind of week Z has.
I have a plan for every day and some kind of help almost every day. I'm funding our babysitter's summer vacation. :)
Day One- Saturday:
> Babysitter at 9:30am. Breakfast with a friend. Home for naps and afternoon. Babysitter at 6:30pm. Dinner with a friend.
Here we go!
Saturday Night (10pm). Pretty good day, but very little of it was me at home by myself. Feeling okay. Off to bed!
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Mess Making During Nap
The up side to no nap? House of total quiet at 9pm. The down side to no nap? Figuring out how to get through quiet play time without gigantic messes (one of which included diaper rash cream and a lot of crying on my part). I've tried a variety of tactics to motivate Z to keep his room clean, and so far there has been a little improvement, but I can't say it's not a problem at all anymore. Sometimes the mess is made in playing - Z likes to pile all his stuff together and then "plow" it across the room. Or sometimes the pile is a natural disaster or sometimes a beaver dam (see picture below). As long as he's not destroying anything I've been telling him he can make messes as long as he cleans them up. I've been telling him he can come out when he's done cleaning everything up.
At first I wasn't sure if it was realistic to expect him to clean up his room on his own. One day he pulled everything out of the dresser- clothes and diapers were everywhere. I told him he had to clean it up and left the room. After crying and praying and trying to calm down, I went back in. I honestly expected it not to be done and I was looking forward to it so I could discipline him. I admit my goal was really punishment, not discipline. I was just still mad that he had made the big mess. When I went in, I was shocked. The room was spotless! He had put everything back- even into the right drawers. Harper's pajamas with Harper's pajamas, Z's with Z's. Diapers in the center cabinet. It wasn't perfect but he did a really good job! Well. I couldn't discipline him after that! I told him I didn't want him to do that again (which he hasn't) and told him he did a good job cleaning up.
But then the cleaning up was taking a REALLY long time. He was in his room for another two hours after the first hour and a half "cleaning" up the mess. I realized that I didn't want him taking that long to clean up. What if we had to go somewhere? So, borrowing an idea from a new book I'm reading, Loving Our Kids On Purpose by Danny Silk (a book which may have just changed my life- I'll write more on it later), I tried a new tactic. I told Z that if he didn't want to clean up the mess he could pay me to do it.
We talked it through a lot and I gave him examples of how he could pay me. I would accept payment in the form of his toys. I listed the toys that were worth enough for my labor: garbage truck, dump truck, fire truck. No, not the stroller- that's Harper's. No, not Elmo (because he doesn't really play with him anymore). No, not books. Why? Because they are something all of us enjoy; they don't belong just to you. This negotiation gave me insight into what Z really valued so I know what the high cost items are.
The first time he told me he wanted to pay me to do it. I said it would cost the garbage truck. But if he wanted to help me clean it up, it wouldn't take me as long so it would cost less. If we cleaned up together it would cost him the dump truck. Deal. We shook hands on it and cleaned the mess together. No fussing or crying. No punishment. The next day I took dump truck with me when I went out by myself. As I was leaving with the truck, Z asked about it and I reminded him that he paid me with it yesterday. He said, "oh... bye dump truck!" With some help from a friend, I "sold" dump truck and showed Z the money in my pocket when I got home.
We've only just started this new approach, so I'm curious to see what effect it has. However, I already like what I see. After Z and I cleaned up the mess together, later in the day, Harper tried to pull books off the shelf. Z said, "No, Harper, I just cleaned that up!!" Does that sound familiar?
At first I wasn't sure if it was realistic to expect him to clean up his room on his own. One day he pulled everything out of the dresser- clothes and diapers were everywhere. I told him he had to clean it up and left the room. After crying and praying and trying to calm down, I went back in. I honestly expected it not to be done and I was looking forward to it so I could discipline him. I admit my goal was really punishment, not discipline. I was just still mad that he had made the big mess. When I went in, I was shocked. The room was spotless! He had put everything back- even into the right drawers. Harper's pajamas with Harper's pajamas, Z's with Z's. Diapers in the center cabinet. It wasn't perfect but he did a really good job! Well. I couldn't discipline him after that! I told him I didn't want him to do that again (which he hasn't) and told him he did a good job cleaning up.
But then the cleaning up was taking a REALLY long time. He was in his room for another two hours after the first hour and a half "cleaning" up the mess. I realized that I didn't want him taking that long to clean up. What if we had to go somewhere? So, borrowing an idea from a new book I'm reading, Loving Our Kids On Purpose by Danny Silk (a book which may have just changed my life- I'll write more on it later), I tried a new tactic. I told Z that if he didn't want to clean up the mess he could pay me to do it.
We talked it through a lot and I gave him examples of how he could pay me. I would accept payment in the form of his toys. I listed the toys that were worth enough for my labor: garbage truck, dump truck, fire truck. No, not the stroller- that's Harper's. No, not Elmo (because he doesn't really play with him anymore). No, not books. Why? Because they are something all of us enjoy; they don't belong just to you. This negotiation gave me insight into what Z really valued so I know what the high cost items are.
The first time he told me he wanted to pay me to do it. I said it would cost the garbage truck. But if he wanted to help me clean it up, it wouldn't take me as long so it would cost less. If we cleaned up together it would cost him the dump truck. Deal. We shook hands on it and cleaned the mess together. No fussing or crying. No punishment. The next day I took dump truck with me when I went out by myself. As I was leaving with the truck, Z asked about it and I reminded him that he paid me with it yesterday. He said, "oh... bye dump truck!" With some help from a friend, I "sold" dump truck and showed Z the money in my pocket when I got home.
We've only just started this new approach, so I'm curious to see what effect it has. However, I already like what I see. After Z and I cleaned up the mess together, later in the day, Harper tried to pull books off the shelf. Z said, "No, Harper, I just cleaned that up!!" Does that sound familiar?
The End of the World: Dropping Naps
I thought it would be the end of the world when Z stopped taking his afternoon nap. Has anyone noticed the world ending? So it turns out life moves on and I've found ways to adapt.
For almost a year, Z hasn't been going right to sleep when we put him to bed. Thankfully we got through the phase where he wouldn't stay in his room or in his bed. So we put him to bed at 8:30pm and he would read and play in his bed until 9:30 or 9:45pm. I knew that the afternoon nap was contributing to it, but when he missed his afternoon nap he got SOO cranky by 6/7pm. I figured we were in a transition phase and decided to put him down for a nap and get one when I could, knowing he would be up making noise (and perhaps requiring some interaction) until 9 or 10pm. If you know me, then you know I also grabbed a nap at the same time, thus, my desire to keep Z's nap as long as I could.
I continued my wishful nap thinking for a good six months where he would miss a nap maybe once or twice a week. And I figured out that I could sleep even when Z doesn't. This involves ear plugs and my head between two pillows. Since the personal sacrifice (no nap for me) was no longer as much of an issue, I recently decided to let him decide whether he wanted to take a nap. I told him he had to stay in his room for quiet play time or to sleep. I think the novelty of not having to take a nap motivated him to stay in his room. There were a few times I had to tell him to go back, but he has been pretty good about staying in there. For the first week he played for a little while (maybe 30-40 minutes) and then put himself to sleep. We're in the third week now and he has not gone to sleep once this week. I have him stay in his room for an hour and half to two hours and I manage to catch a 30-45 minute nap. Z is doing better with more sleep at night and he isn't getting unbearably cranky in the evening. It just took some adjustment time to get over the crabby hump.
At the same time, Harper has pretty much dropped her morning nap. She'll be 16 months at the end of this week. Unlike with Z, I could hardly wait for her to drop the morning nap because it makes things easier. Without the nap, we can all go out and do things and we're not stuck at home so much. Also, she is sleeping longer in the afternoon, so that gives me more time to do my stuff or to hang out with just Z. She is so easy-going still that even when she is pretty tired, and could have taken a morning nap, she isn't overly cranky. Sometimes I try to get her down a little earlier than 1pm for her nap, but it's not critical. I'm looking forward to some fun things we can do this summer with the whole morning uninterrupted!
No nap for Z has brought on new challenges, which I'll save for another post. But I guess I'm glad we've gone through another milestone and I see yet again how we can all adjust and adapt. And it never is really as bad as I think it's going to be.
For almost a year, Z hasn't been going right to sleep when we put him to bed. Thankfully we got through the phase where he wouldn't stay in his room or in his bed. So we put him to bed at 8:30pm and he would read and play in his bed until 9:30 or 9:45pm. I knew that the afternoon nap was contributing to it, but when he missed his afternoon nap he got SOO cranky by 6/7pm. I figured we were in a transition phase and decided to put him down for a nap and get one when I could, knowing he would be up making noise (and perhaps requiring some interaction) until 9 or 10pm. If you know me, then you know I also grabbed a nap at the same time, thus, my desire to keep Z's nap as long as I could.
I continued my wishful nap thinking for a good six months where he would miss a nap maybe once or twice a week. And I figured out that I could sleep even when Z doesn't. This involves ear plugs and my head between two pillows. Since the personal sacrifice (no nap for me) was no longer as much of an issue, I recently decided to let him decide whether he wanted to take a nap. I told him he had to stay in his room for quiet play time or to sleep. I think the novelty of not having to take a nap motivated him to stay in his room. There were a few times I had to tell him to go back, but he has been pretty good about staying in there. For the first week he played for a little while (maybe 30-40 minutes) and then put himself to sleep. We're in the third week now and he has not gone to sleep once this week. I have him stay in his room for an hour and half to two hours and I manage to catch a 30-45 minute nap. Z is doing better with more sleep at night and he isn't getting unbearably cranky in the evening. It just took some adjustment time to get over the crabby hump.
At the same time, Harper has pretty much dropped her morning nap. She'll be 16 months at the end of this week. Unlike with Z, I could hardly wait for her to drop the morning nap because it makes things easier. Without the nap, we can all go out and do things and we're not stuck at home so much. Also, she is sleeping longer in the afternoon, so that gives me more time to do my stuff or to hang out with just Z. She is so easy-going still that even when she is pretty tired, and could have taken a morning nap, she isn't overly cranky. Sometimes I try to get her down a little earlier than 1pm for her nap, but it's not critical. I'm looking forward to some fun things we can do this summer with the whole morning uninterrupted!
No nap for Z has brought on new challenges, which I'll save for another post. But I guess I'm glad we've gone through another milestone and I see yet again how we can all adjust and adapt. And it never is really as bad as I think it's going to be.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Why Being A Mom Is So Hard
I've been talking to a lot of friends lately about the struggles of being a Mom. I've also been thinking a lot about my own struggles- when I feel the most defeated, what I feel when I'm frustrated and angry with my kids, what events cause the most stress to me. Here are some reasons why motherhood is difficult for me. Perhaps they'll ring true for you also.
Previous Levels of Success Don't Always Translate to Motherhood
No matter what you did before you were a mom, you will always feel out of your element when becoming a mom for the first time. And as I come across every new step in mothering, I feel yet again out of my league. Then the second child comes along and you think it will be easier. To some extent it is easier, but every child is different and you have to learn how to adapt and change your approach with that new child. It's easy to remember previous successes in life- high school awards, college degrees, promotions at work- and think, I should be able to handle this. I have a college degree! I did this or that! And our society tells us that those are obvious measures of success and set you up for a prosperous future. And the irony is that a college degree doesn't really help with the daily challenges of being a mom- disciplining your children, not losing your temper, stacking blocks for the 15th time, cutting grapes and packing diaper bags.
Don't get me wrong, a college degree (as one example of success) is valuable and I highly recommend it. I even think it will come in handy (and already has) in communicating with my children, problem solving, multi-tasking. I'm just saying that it's a fallacy to think that a successful person will automatically be successful at parenting.
Parenting Requires A Different Measure of Success
Since my previous measures for success aren't translating to motherhood, I've been thinking a lot about what I view as successful parenting. And I'm starting to see why my frustration is so high when I have to discipline Z over and over again. I've been judging my success as a parent by Z's behavior. When Z is obedient, I'm doing a good job. Talk about setting myself up for failure! Z is a sinner, just like me. He will never be perfect, just like I won't. Yet I'm holding myself responsible for his behavior. If I did a better job, he wouldn't be disobedient or unkind. The only measure of my success is my own actions as a parent. Z will disobey. Z will knock over his sister. So, what did I do in response? Did I discipline him in anger? Did I take the time to firmly and lovingly discipline him and teach him what is right? THAT is my success or failure!
The tricky thing is that there is a correlation between successful parenting and the behavior of the child. If I am doing my best in training and disciplining Z, there will be results. But those results are long term and gradual. And Z's behavior is his responsibility as well. Even perfect parenting (as if that existed) does not always bring perfect results. A child does eventually make his own way and may turn away from the things you've taught him. Which is just another reason to trust God and rely on His grace in our failures and your kids' failures.
Lack of Recognition
Of course your two-year-old doesn't tell you good job. No one thinks they will. But I certainly think that someone ought to notice. Someone is going to stop me in the grocery and tell me what well-behaved children I have. My mom or in-laws are going to say that I'm doing a great job with their grandkids. My husband is going to be daily blown away by the way I handled the day with endurance and a sense of humor. Okay, maybe not that much, but shoot, a little appreciation goes a long way, right? If only I could really grasp this verse: "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving." (Colossians 3:23-24) How much would that change my daily life? And, I'm not letting our husbands off the hook, who really should make an effort to encourage us in our mothering, but imagine if we only cared about what God thought. And we only thought about our eternal reward. Phew. I'm not anywhere close to that, but thank the Lord that He is working in me. That is definitely something I'll be praying for...and I know God will appreciate it!
Previous Levels of Success Don't Always Translate to Motherhood
No matter what you did before you were a mom, you will always feel out of your element when becoming a mom for the first time. And as I come across every new step in mothering, I feel yet again out of my league. Then the second child comes along and you think it will be easier. To some extent it is easier, but every child is different and you have to learn how to adapt and change your approach with that new child. It's easy to remember previous successes in life- high school awards, college degrees, promotions at work- and think, I should be able to handle this. I have a college degree! I did this or that! And our society tells us that those are obvious measures of success and set you up for a prosperous future. And the irony is that a college degree doesn't really help with the daily challenges of being a mom- disciplining your children, not losing your temper, stacking blocks for the 15th time, cutting grapes and packing diaper bags.
Don't get me wrong, a college degree (as one example of success) is valuable and I highly recommend it. I even think it will come in handy (and already has) in communicating with my children, problem solving, multi-tasking. I'm just saying that it's a fallacy to think that a successful person will automatically be successful at parenting.
Parenting Requires A Different Measure of Success
Since my previous measures for success aren't translating to motherhood, I've been thinking a lot about what I view as successful parenting. And I'm starting to see why my frustration is so high when I have to discipline Z over and over again. I've been judging my success as a parent by Z's behavior. When Z is obedient, I'm doing a good job. Talk about setting myself up for failure! Z is a sinner, just like me. He will never be perfect, just like I won't. Yet I'm holding myself responsible for his behavior. If I did a better job, he wouldn't be disobedient or unkind. The only measure of my success is my own actions as a parent. Z will disobey. Z will knock over his sister. So, what did I do in response? Did I discipline him in anger? Did I take the time to firmly and lovingly discipline him and teach him what is right? THAT is my success or failure!
The tricky thing is that there is a correlation between successful parenting and the behavior of the child. If I am doing my best in training and disciplining Z, there will be results. But those results are long term and gradual. And Z's behavior is his responsibility as well. Even perfect parenting (as if that existed) does not always bring perfect results. A child does eventually make his own way and may turn away from the things you've taught him. Which is just another reason to trust God and rely on His grace in our failures and your kids' failures.
Lack of Recognition
Of course your two-year-old doesn't tell you good job. No one thinks they will. But I certainly think that someone ought to notice. Someone is going to stop me in the grocery and tell me what well-behaved children I have. My mom or in-laws are going to say that I'm doing a great job with their grandkids. My husband is going to be daily blown away by the way I handled the day with endurance and a sense of humor. Okay, maybe not that much, but shoot, a little appreciation goes a long way, right? If only I could really grasp this verse: "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving." (Colossians 3:23-24) How much would that change my daily life? And, I'm not letting our husbands off the hook, who really should make an effort to encourage us in our mothering, but imagine if we only cared about what God thought. And we only thought about our eternal reward. Phew. I'm not anywhere close to that, but thank the Lord that He is working in me. That is definitely something I'll be praying for...and I know God will appreciate it!
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Therapy Session (2)
Be careful of the stories you believe about yourself.
This one has really been brewing in my head for a while now. It's kind of a big umbrella for all the ways we think about ourselves- either from what others have told us, the roles we've filled, or our own patterns of thinking. For one woman this might be the care-taking role she has always filled as the oldest sibling that develops into caring for everyone else except herself. She finds her worth in caring for others to such an extent that she might feel worthless when she doesn't. For another woman this might mean that she thinks she's not smart because of words a teacher or parent said to her when she struggled in school.
For me, it looks like this. I think that if I plan and prepare and work hard enough then everything in my life will go smoothly. I think I'm smart and capable (which is good). But I think that because of that, everything should be easy. When I make mistakes, I beat myself up about them. It could be something as silly as forgetting to write something on my grocery list, thus causing another trip to the grocery store. Or it could be the bigger mistakes like losing my temper with Z or, on the other side of the coin, letting a discipline problem go unaddressed. If I really let the voice go in my head, these mistakes turn into failures, with a capital F. It's only a short jump to go from "I'm failing" to "I'm a failure."
What a lie! Not only am I not a failure, God tells me that He is perfecting His work in me. I will never be perfect on this earth, just like no one else will be. And sometimes stuff just happens no matter how perfectly I might plan and prepare. It is unrealistic to think that I can make anything perfect in this world. But, I can be confident that GOD is refining me in His perfect timing. And I can rest in knowing that His grace for me is infinite. And, if I really think about it from His perspective, does God care if I forget to buy milk? Doesn't He care more that I don't get bent out of shape about it and snap at my family? So, I'm working on staying alert for that voice in my head that tells me I'm failing. I'm fighting back against it and replacing it with God's words about me.
So think about it. What stories do you hear about yourself? Are they true? Where do they come from? Just because the words are in your head doesn't make them true.
This one has really been brewing in my head for a while now. It's kind of a big umbrella for all the ways we think about ourselves- either from what others have told us, the roles we've filled, or our own patterns of thinking. For one woman this might be the care-taking role she has always filled as the oldest sibling that develops into caring for everyone else except herself. She finds her worth in caring for others to such an extent that she might feel worthless when she doesn't. For another woman this might mean that she thinks she's not smart because of words a teacher or parent said to her when she struggled in school.
For me, it looks like this. I think that if I plan and prepare and work hard enough then everything in my life will go smoothly. I think I'm smart and capable (which is good). But I think that because of that, everything should be easy. When I make mistakes, I beat myself up about them. It could be something as silly as forgetting to write something on my grocery list, thus causing another trip to the grocery store. Or it could be the bigger mistakes like losing my temper with Z or, on the other side of the coin, letting a discipline problem go unaddressed. If I really let the voice go in my head, these mistakes turn into failures, with a capital F. It's only a short jump to go from "I'm failing" to "I'm a failure."
What a lie! Not only am I not a failure, God tells me that He is perfecting His work in me. I will never be perfect on this earth, just like no one else will be. And sometimes stuff just happens no matter how perfectly I might plan and prepare. It is unrealistic to think that I can make anything perfect in this world. But, I can be confident that GOD is refining me in His perfect timing. And I can rest in knowing that His grace for me is infinite. And, if I really think about it from His perspective, does God care if I forget to buy milk? Doesn't He care more that I don't get bent out of shape about it and snap at my family? So, I'm working on staying alert for that voice in my head that tells me I'm failing. I'm fighting back against it and replacing it with God's words about me.
So think about it. What stories do you hear about yourself? Are they true? Where do they come from? Just because the words are in your head doesn't make them true.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Therapy Session (1)
So it turns out that I don't blog as much when I go to a therapist. Interesting. I always knew blogging was therapeutic for me!
I've been learning a lot in my therapy sessions. I ended up switching to a Christian therapist and I'm so glad I did. The biggest difference was really just that I felt a lot more comfortable with her. She is very warm and personable and it is easy to talk to her. I've been surprised by the breadth of things we've talked about. All of it has been really good for me. I'm going to share some of what I'm learning where I think it could be helpful for others.
1. Parents Need To Take Breaks... especially if you're an introvert.
I always knew I was an introvert, but I underestimated how important getting alone time is for me. I can see how most of my breakdowns in the past have been after an intense time without breaks. I've really been prioritizing time away and it is helping a ton. John has really been supportive of this and reminds me every weekend. Having babysitters more often has helped and even when I'm working I take a half hour or more to do something on my own- get coffee and read a book, drive and listen to music. Having more time to myself has helped in my relationship with John also. So often in the evenings I'm just ready to shut down and zone out. Unfortunately, that is the most common time that John and I have together. But I find that my alone time during the day helps me reserve some energy for him at the end of the day. Talking through all of this with him has helped him understand me better, I think. The other night I was on the couch just decompressing from the day. He sat down on the chair next to the couch and said that he wanted to give me a hug and tell me that he loves me, but he could tell that I needed some space to myself. It was the best gift ever! It was like getting a hug and space at the same time! Perfect!
I've been learning a lot in my therapy sessions. I ended up switching to a Christian therapist and I'm so glad I did. The biggest difference was really just that I felt a lot more comfortable with her. She is very warm and personable and it is easy to talk to her. I've been surprised by the breadth of things we've talked about. All of it has been really good for me. I'm going to share some of what I'm learning where I think it could be helpful for others.
1. Parents Need To Take Breaks... especially if you're an introvert.
I always knew I was an introvert, but I underestimated how important getting alone time is for me. I can see how most of my breakdowns in the past have been after an intense time without breaks. I've really been prioritizing time away and it is helping a ton. John has really been supportive of this and reminds me every weekend. Having babysitters more often has helped and even when I'm working I take a half hour or more to do something on my own- get coffee and read a book, drive and listen to music. Having more time to myself has helped in my relationship with John also. So often in the evenings I'm just ready to shut down and zone out. Unfortunately, that is the most common time that John and I have together. But I find that my alone time during the day helps me reserve some energy for him at the end of the day. Talking through all of this with him has helped him understand me better, I think. The other night I was on the couch just decompressing from the day. He sat down on the chair next to the couch and said that he wanted to give me a hug and tell me that he loves me, but he could tell that I needed some space to myself. It was the best gift ever! It was like getting a hug and space at the same time! Perfect!
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
New
Just adjusting to the new normal here. Learning the difference between hard days and days lived in depression. Every time a difficult day pops up I get scared that the depression is returning. It feels like the black cloud (think Lost) is circling at my ankles and I'm not sure if it will grab me and throw me across the jungle or just click and go away. So far it has always left. Sometimes I kick it lose and sometimes I realize it was never there at all.
Mostly it is really just fear. Fear that the depression will come back. Fear that I won't realize it and I'll suffer through months of darkness again. But I have to remember that I will never be in the same position again. Before I didn't really know what was going on. Now I know what to watch for and I'm on medicine that is already working and can be adjusted to work better if needed.
My therapist (how weird is it to say that?!) says that every time I "exercise" my brain to get through the struggles and realize that it is not depression that I build my ability to do it again. Each time the exercise will get a little easier until I won't even realize I'm doing it. I'll just recognize the feelings and move past them. I like this idea of exercising or practicing. It reminds me of when Paul talks about training as if for a race (1 Corinthians 9:23-27). I feel like I'm practicing trusting that God will take care of me and by doing so I gain confidence in getting through the struggles of every day life.
Speaking of new... I think I felt the need to mark this new phase of my life. I decided to change my hair. I have not changed my hair significantly since high school.
Here it is:
(Don't pay attention to my dirty mirror.)
Mostly it is really just fear. Fear that the depression will come back. Fear that I won't realize it and I'll suffer through months of darkness again. But I have to remember that I will never be in the same position again. Before I didn't really know what was going on. Now I know what to watch for and I'm on medicine that is already working and can be adjusted to work better if needed.
My therapist (how weird is it to say that?!) says that every time I "exercise" my brain to get through the struggles and realize that it is not depression that I build my ability to do it again. Each time the exercise will get a little easier until I won't even realize I'm doing it. I'll just recognize the feelings and move past them. I like this idea of exercising or practicing. It reminds me of when Paul talks about training as if for a race (1 Corinthians 9:23-27). I feel like I'm practicing trusting that God will take care of me and by doing so I gain confidence in getting through the struggles of every day life.
Speaking of new... I think I felt the need to mark this new phase of my life. I decided to change my hair. I have not changed my hair significantly since high school.
Here it is:
(Don't pay attention to my dirty mirror.)
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