Milestones

This Sunday, when we were at church, Baby Z got the closest ever to crawling. We were in the main sanctuary and Baby Z was playing on a blanket on the floor. I watched him get up on his knees and one arm (the other arm wasn't quite straight) and move a little forward until he went back to his belly. I got really excited but could only drop my mouth open in delight because I didn't want to make noise. Any day now, I think, he'll be crawling around like a flash.

Since I was thinking of milestones, I thought I would put a picture up of another one-- Baby Z's first teeth. They are super cute and this is the only picture I've managed of them so far. Enjoy!

Subconscious Processing

Well, I didn't think I had too much more to say about going back to work. My subconscious is telling me otherwise. Since making things official, I've had several stress dreams-- of a light variety. They are about exploring something new and getting a surprise: swimming comfortably and then an eel pops out of a rock and comes toward my face; I woke my husband kicking at that one. Or, they are about starting back at something I already do, but feeling a little anxious and not all together prepared: deciding to surf in a contest and so excited I run out into the waves, feeling like I'm missing some good sets only to realize that I don't have my board.

Those who know me know that I tend to have vivid dreams. My husband sometimes thinks I may need psychological attention for them. They almost always give me a good look into how I'm really feeling when on the surface I'm not paying much attention. I tend to need time to process things and really understand how they are affecting me. So, I'm thankful for the little jump starts God gives me in my dreams (by creating a thing such as dreams as a way for the brain to exercise and reveal; not in a "Samuel, Samuel? Yes, Lord" kind of way).

I'm still feeling good about my decision and I'm excited for the new challenge. I know that the first few weeks will be a little tough and then things will settle down. And I know that I should expect some really funky dreams for the next few weeks.

Change, Again

I'm down to breastfeeding once a day for the morning feeding. It has been very easy to drop the other feedings and give Baby Z a bottle instead. Except for the occasional attempt to suck on my cheek, I don't think Baby Z really has a preference for bottle or breast. It has always been my goal to breastfeed at least for 6 months. Now that we're past the 9-month mark, I think I'm okay with letting it go any time.

As with a lot of other changes for Baby Z, I need an impetus to motivate me to make a change. I really don't mind change, as long as everything stays the same. :) The most immediate impetus is going back to work. I could still feed him before I leave for work, but I guess it would be easier to not have to. Since I have to make his solid food breakfast anyway, it's not that much extra work to make a bottle. So, knowing the practicalities of it are in favor of dropping breastfeeding, I'm forced to recognize that I have an emotional reason for hesitating.

Other women used to tell me things about it being hard to stop breastfeeding, and I would think, "Man, I can't wait to stop breastfeeding!" They would talk about the closeness of nursing and that warm, Mommy feeling of connectedness to their baby. Letting go of the breastfeeding was truly a signal that their little baby was no longer an infant, but well on their way to toddlerhood. If you told me 5 months ago I would hesitate to stop nursing when I could, I would have been shocked. I couldn't wait for it to end so I could get my body back.

Part of me still feels that way a little, but I finally did reach the point where I can appreciate the special intimacy of nursing. It feels nice to start the day with such warm closeness. I'm trying to take mental pictures of it now since I won't have it much longer. And, like the other changes we've made in the past, I'm waiting for the impetus to overwhelm the last bit of hesitation. Just as sure as Baby Z will continue to grow, I'm sure the changes will continue to come. We're ready. But not just yet.

Are You Going Back to Work?

One of the questions John and I get a lot is when/if I will be going back to work. This is one of the biggest questions for a lot of Moms, although not everyone has full liberty in making the decision; that is, the ability to either stay at home, go back to work or some combination thereof. I am extremely blessed to have all of those options. Before Baby Z was born, I knew I wanted to give myself lots of time to be home with him and really settle into being a full-time Mom. The past almost 9 months have been priceless. I have so enjoyed learning my new role and learning about this new little person in our lives.

In the first few months, I struggled with the work question, wondering if I could be the Mom I want to be and still work. My employers are very open to alternative arrangements, like working from home, so I knew I would have flexibility and the option to work as few or as many hours as I wanted. I wrote down lists and lists of my priorities and things I didn't want to give up if I started to work again (like exercising, or going to the park in the middle of the day). The biggest thing is that I don't want to be stressed like I used to be working full-time-- rushing through things and feeling exhausted at the end of the day. I don't want to be so busy that I start to feel like I don't have enough to give to John or Baby Z.

After a lot of thinking, praying and planning, I have decided to go back to work. I'm going to work 8-10 hours a week and do 4 of those hours from home. I'll go into the office one day a week while my Mom watches Baby Z. The time Baby Z gets to spend with Grandma will be beneficial for both him and Grandma. And I feel like the amount of time working will be just the right challenge for my entire week (how I work at the office and at home).

I'm excited for this new chapter of balancing home life and a work life. It's going to be challenging, I'm sure. And if I start to get panicky about it, I just remember that nothing is permanent and if I don't like it, or it is too hard, I can always go back to being a full-time Mom at home. I am so extremely thankful for the options and liberty I have to make these decisions.

P.S. I'm also extremely thankful that my old work clothes fit now. Yeah!!

Monday, Funday

When I worked an office job full time, Mondays were always a bummer. It was hard to get up in the morning, hard to get back into the swing of things, hard to gear up for another week.

Now, as a full time Mom, I actually really enjoy Mondays. As much fun as the weekends are, by Sunday night I start to get a little antsy for the return of routine and down time. I usually wake up Monday morning ready to go, with a list of chores for the week in my head and with new energy to tackle housework and time with baby. I must admit that some of it is relief at the return of control: the ability to call the shots and do things the way I like them for most of the day. I like being able to pick up the house and set things in order and have it stay that way for a while. I like being able to take a nap without interruption. I like being able to coast through the day with our routine and not have to explain the special timing of this day to anyone.

On any day, by the time John gets home in the evening, I'm excited to see him and looking forward to some adult conversation. However, the degree of need for this adult interaction gradually increases as each day of the week passes. By Thursday night, I'm looking forward to the weekend again and thinking of all the fun, routine-interrupting activities we will do. But Monday night is a little different. When John gets home on Mondays, my need for him is the smallest, but in some ways my enjoyment of him is the greatest. As the week progresses, I need him more and more as a break from baby. Early on in the week, I need him just for him.

So, a salute to Mondays for Moms. Do some laundry, take a nap, run an errand with the little one(s). Enjoy!

Skilled in Discourse

Besides growing a third arm and eyes in the back of your head, learning how to have a conversation in 60-90 second intervals is a skill every Mom must learn. As much as you want to focus on your spouse or friend, as much as you swore you wouldn't be one of those woman who couldn't have a normal conversation after having kids, it is just not possible to have an uninterrupted conversation when you have kid(s) around. As soon as I realized this reality, and started to work with it instead of against it, I have started to develop conversational skills of which any Elizabethan courtier would be proud.

The key is learning how to compartmentalize the brain, much like a super-secret, undercover CIA agent would (with a kick-ass wig like Sydney Bristow). On one side, you have the child-interactive brain making statements like, "Yah, there's a bird!" and "No, don't eat the sand." Then, the other part of your brain picks up where you left off with "I know, sometimes I feel like my husband just doesn't understand....etc," or "I'm sorry to hear about your cousin....what is she going to do now?" It's easier to do this sort of thing with other Moms, who have learned the same skills and hardly even notice the breaks in discussion. The friends without kids may be a little phased, even disrupted, by this sort of thing. You must prove that you can hear them and respond while wiping spit up from the crevices in the car seat. At first it will be awkward, but over time, they will learn this new rhythm and start to follow along.

Adaptation, growth, transformation. I will embrace the lessons of motherhood. However, as good as I get at this new pattern of conversation, I think I will always prefer a cup of coffee with a friend without the adorable little discussion-buster.

Doctor Do-Little

Going to the doctor stinks. It never goes as quickly as I hoped and I never feel like I get enough time with the doctor. I went for a checkup today and by the time I got in (an hour after my appointment time), Baby Z was starting to unravel. I really like this doctor and I haven't seen him in a long time, so I was looking forward to catching up. Alas, the little dude was overly ready for his nap and needed to go. So I got prescription refills and shot for the door. I'll have to go back another day for lab work. I'm a little wiser now, since a few months ago I might have tried to get the lab work done even with the dude starting to fall apart.
I'm just wondering what other Moms do, especially with more than one child, when they have to go to the doctor-- for themselves or the kids. Holy cow. It is not easy. It's gotta be one of the olympic events for motherhood. I'm going to try to schedule from now on when I can get a babysitter for Baby Z, because I'm not at the olympic level yet.

Summer is for Reading II

After having just spent an entire weekend mostly neglecting my family, I finished reading the final Harry Potter book today. No need to stop reading, this is strictly a NO SPOIL ZONE...
I just wanted to say how much I enjoyed it. I'm sad it is over. That's always the sign of a good book: when you're sad it's over. So, I thought I would mention some other books I've read that I wished wouldn't end:

• War and Peace, Tolstoy (seriously, you would think I would just be relieved when it was done, but it was sooo good.)
  
• Bridget Jones' Diary (either one), Helen Fielding
  
• Prodigal Summer, Barbara Kingsolver
  
• East of Eden, John Steinbeck
  
• The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay, Michael Chabon
  
• The Queen's Fool, Philippa Gregory (She has a whole series on British monarchs. Very easy reads and slightly addictive.)
  

And while I'm thinking about books, how about a few other categories.
Books I Threw Across the Room when finished

Animal Farm, George Orwell

Gone with the Wind, Margaret Mitchell

Books I stopped reading(usually because I didn't like where the characters were going)

Crime and Punishment, Fyodor Dostoevsky

Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy

The Corrections, Jonathan Franzen

Cannery Row, John Steinbeck (this one I stopped out of boredom)

That's it for today. I would love to hear from anyone else about books they might put in these (or other) categories.

Check Up

Since I tend to write about things with the routine and Baby Z when things are hard, I decided it was a good time to do a little self check up when nothing in particular is going wrong. It's been 2-3 weeks, I think, that Baby Z has been sleeping much better through his naps. He's only waking up for 5 minutes or less at the 45 minute mark during his nap. The first few times this happened consistently I told myself it was a fluke. And then I stopped noticing. Yesterday, Baby Z cried for maybe 7 minutes during his nap and I thought, "Hmm, that's strange." Then it hit me. He hasn't been crying for 15-30 minutes or more like he was a month ago. What a blessing and a relief!! Yeah!

As I mentioned before, John and I left Baby Z with my Mom while we went away for a night. I thought he would probably be okay at night, but worried a little that he might wake up and realize he was in a strange place and freak out. He didn't. He slept great all night long and my Mom got to go in and get him up at 8am and see his beaming, smiling face, like John and I do every day. Baby Z also slept fine through his morning nap, which I thought he might miss completely. He went down fine and did a little fuss mid-way but went back to sleep for the full 2 hours. Piece of cake! Yeah, yeah, yeah!

It's really great to think about how much both Baby Z and I have grown. There are so many little struggles that we made it through and I'm so, so glad I stuck to the routine and worked through the issues. Things I used to dread, like putting him down for a nap, or the 45 minute mark during the nap, aren't as big of deal anymore. It's just a regular part of the day and is so much easier for both of us. I can see how keeping consistent and helping him learn to sleep well have made him a well-rested and content baby (Most of the time. He is still a baby!). What a joy it makes spending every day with him!

P.S. Another thing I've noticed recently and am extremely thankful for... even when Baby Z does wake up from a nap, in the middle, or when it's over, he doesn't cry the "I'm upset" cry. It is more like a "hey, hello? are you there?" or a "Ergh. I'm awake and I don't want to be." It's much easier to hear and doesn't twist my heart into a knot like his "upset" cry used to.