Change, Again

I'm down to breastfeeding once a day for the morning feeding. It has been very easy to drop the other feedings and give Baby Z a bottle instead. Except for the occasional attempt to suck on my cheek, I don't think Baby Z really has a preference for bottle or breast. It has always been my goal to breastfeed at least for 6 months. Now that we're past the 9-month mark, I think I'm okay with letting it go any time.

As with a lot of other changes for Baby Z, I need an impetus to motivate me to make a change. I really don't mind change, as long as everything stays the same. :) The most immediate impetus is going back to work. I could still feed him before I leave for work, but I guess it would be easier to not have to. Since I have to make his solid food breakfast anyway, it's not that much extra work to make a bottle. So, knowing the practicalities of it are in favor of dropping breastfeeding, I'm forced to recognize that I have an emotional reason for hesitating.

Other women used to tell me things about it being hard to stop breastfeeding, and I would think, "Man, I can't wait to stop breastfeeding!" They would talk about the closeness of nursing and that warm, Mommy feeling of connectedness to their baby. Letting go of the breastfeeding was truly a signal that their little baby was no longer an infant, but well on their way to toddlerhood. If you told me 5 months ago I would hesitate to stop nursing when I could, I would have been shocked. I couldn't wait for it to end so I could get my body back.

Part of me still feels that way a little, but I finally did reach the point where I can appreciate the special intimacy of nursing. It feels nice to start the day with such warm closeness. I'm trying to take mental pictures of it now since I won't have it much longer. And, like the other changes we've made in the past, I'm waiting for the impetus to overwhelm the last bit of hesitation. Just as sure as Baby Z will continue to grow, I'm sure the changes will continue to come. We're ready. But not just yet.