Birth Experience- An Analysis

I've been processing Harper's birth for the past few days. Details pop into my head and as I'm remembering them I, of course, think back to Z's birth also. Overall, Harper's birth was much easier. John and I both felt more present in the moment and less anxious (that is not to say we weren't some anxious).

The waiting and prep time before surgery went pretty quickly. I was in a labor and delivery room and they put me on a monitor, took lots of vitals, hooked me up to an IV. I answered questions about medicines I was taking during pregnancy about three or four times. I told them my weight and height. I told them no, no illegal drugs or smoking.

I thought the waiting would build up the anxiety, but I successfully distracted myself with a pocket solitaire game and a book. I told my Mom and John that I was anxious about the epidural. The first time it surprised me how much it hurt and that was when there was a whole bunch of pain I wanted taken away. I told John I wanted him to hold my hand and remind me to breathe. It turns out that family members can't be near when you get the epidural (at least at my hospital, for liability reasons). I was upset about that, but I think it actually made me toughen up a little. There was a very nice nurse who did stay by me and reminded me to breathe. It was painful, but really not that bad. It is probably more a mental thing to think about needles and spine in the same sentence. Once it was over, I did break down and cry. The anesthesiologist was very confused about that since I suppose he is used to taking away pain. Between sobs I explained that I needed to get the tension out. The nurse and my Mom managed to translate that thought for him. (smile)

Once the epidural was done, they moved me pretty quickly into the operating room. The second big thing I was worried about was the shaking during the c-section. The last time, that was the thing that sent me into hyperventilating. I was hopeful it wouldn't happen this time but it did- pretty much right after the epidural. As much as I wanted to put my mind over the matter, it really bothered me this time also. The harder you try to stop it, the more it takes over. I had asked my doctor about it in an earlier appointment and was vocal enough about it this time that my doctor asked the anesthesiologist to help with it. He gave me a sedative which did pretty much stop it. Of course, it also made me really sleepy. I didn't want to miss out on the big reveal (so to speak) so I told John to be sure I was awake when they brought her out. Nurses and doctors tried to talk to me a little during the surgery but they soon figured out from my rolling eyes and slurred speech that I wasn't up for chit chat.

When the moment came, I was awake and even lifted my head to see my baby daughter being pulled up and out into the world. She was very pink with her arms and legs spread out as if to say, "ta da!" She cried (although not right away) and I heard them working on her over in the corner of the room. I heard them say something about a 9 AGPAR score and I honestly felt a little smug. Heh. I'm such an overachiever. Then John brought her over so I could see her.

There are a few moments in your life where you feel like everything stops. Everything drops away except for you and your moment. I looked at her and felt like she was the whole reason I was here on this earth. I felt like she was the most perfect thing I had ever seen. I felt like I would do anything in the world to make her safe and happy. It was just me and her and that was all I would ever need.

This was the bonding moment I had heard some women talk about. The earth-shaking moment of becoming a Mom and feeling that the whole world had changed. I didn't feel anything remotely close to it with Z. The feelings of motherly affection and protection took weeks and even months to build. When I first saw him I felt only relief that he was alive and breathing and the ordeal was over. I am so extremely thankful to have had this moment with Harper. I know that a big part of that was due to the circumstances. Z came suddenly and with a lot of worry. Harper came with a lot of planning and hopeful expectation.

Also, I can see how being a Mom to Z has taught me how to be a Mom to Harper. It took time to learn and grow in my motherly role for Z. I had to learn HOW to love him: physically, verbally, emotionally. He gave me a vocabulary of love for a child that I now have for Harper. It doesn't feel awkward or different anymore; it's just who I am. Z also gave John and I the first-time parent experience that is special and exhilarating, but also full of anxiety. Every new parent worries. About everything. Eating, sleeping, pooping, red spots on his face, flakes on his scalp. Will I be good at this? Will he be a good kid? Will I be able to keep him from pain. Z worked us soft and supple like a baseball glove. Harper gets the benefit of more relaxed, immediately affectionate parents.

Z brought baby sister a present when he visited the hospital: a little bib that says little sister. Although I'm sure Harper will one day appreciate the chocolate brown bib with adorable pink applique, she will always enjoy the gift that only a big brother can give.