Will It Ever Get Easier?

I've been browsing back through old posts and remembering what I struggled with when Z was a newly roaming toddler. It is such a good thing to look back and see how Z has really improved in areas where training him was such a challenge. Some of it is training (parent setting expectations and enforcing them) and part of it is developmental (Z moving on to conquer new skills). So, I thought I would write a summary that might be encouraging to a Mom out there who is starting in one phase or another.

These are rough definitions of time that could begin earlier or later depending on the child.
One Year- The Exploring, Newly Mobile Toddler
The entire day is dedicated to exploring and investigating. He constantly goes back to touch things that were clearly a No yesterday (10 times a No) and then finds time to get into even new and better things (lotion was a favorite of Z's). A friend with three kids explained to me that a young toddler has very little memory in the sense of learning a concept and keeping it. That doesn't mean they are stupid, it just means that they learn through repetition, repetition, repetition. Each day is like a new start, so don't expect them to remember what you told them yesterday. They don't even know what yesterday is. Expect to be constantly training them and for them to continue to push the boundaries. I kept thinking that one day it would click with Z and I wouldn't have to tell him AGAIN to not touch the TV (for example). In reality, it is more like a meandering path: one day he might do really well and the next he's all over it again; then he may not touch something for weeks and then one day go right back to it with a vengeance. The good news (I can see it clearly now) is that the meandering path does head in the right direction due to, as I said above, training and development.
The hard part for me during this phase was the repetition of it. It seemed like it was never going to get better. I had to be constantly vigilant and it felt like I never had time to do anything on my own. Every time I tried to get something done, Z would get into something and make a big mess. This is just one of those times when they will need A LOT of supervision, but it does get better.

Two Years- The Willful, Newly Independent Toddler
Now exploration isn't as big of a motive. They are still very curious and inquisitive but the touching and pursuing is not as frenetic or compulsive. There are a lot of things they've already discovered and aren't as interested in anymore. In this phase I saw Z start to really process concepts and put things together into categories. Typically, the verbal communication is coming at this point, too, and they can tell you about the things they're figuring out. I also saw Z start to imitate adult behaviors more. This is when Imagination comes. Suddenly just about any long-ish toy can become a leaf blower and anything with wheels that one can push is a lawn mower. They are more interested in playing with others, especially in a role-playing kind of way. When we started giving voices to his stuffed animals or trucks, it was magical for Z. (It was also an excellent tool to get him to do something he didn't want to do, such as brushing his teeth. Amazing how Curious George could be so persuasive!)
This is also the stage where they figure out they are their own person. They suddenly don't like you getting in their business- cutting nails, brushing teeth, washing in the bath could become a problem when they weren't before. I found that explaining what I was doing and why was helpful with this. Don't just jump in and expect them to be okay with it. The infamous Terrible Two year-old is ready to assert his will and opinions. They realize they can say no and that it often gets a good reaction from Mom. For me, this has been a learning experience about giving Z some freedoms while not giving him to much (See Decisions Are the Worst). I heard a very wise and experienced Mom describe this phase as the battle of the wills. She said if the parent does not win, you will never win. This is a key point in teaching your child who is in charge. And it isn't about your ego; it is about training your child to be teach-able and obedient, skills that are essential to so many things in life. Your battle now will make it that much easier to guide your child through the phases that are yet to come. Putting off the battle to later only makes it much more difficult. I try to remember this when I feel tired and willing to give in. I imagine the power struggle with a 6, 8, 12 year-old and it helps me buckle down.
For me, this phase has been challenging because it is easy to take things personally. The child's non-compliance feels more like a direct challenge to your authority (which it is but only because he wants it his way, not because he wants to spite you). This phase (now that Z is talking more) also brings more negotiating. I constantly struggle with this. I give in to the discussion with Z rather than simply enforcing my decision. There is a place for listening to your child, but there also needs to be a line. When you've commanded them to do something or told them no, you have to stand your ground.

In summary, I try to remember constantly that this is a process. We are not going to just wake up one day and say, "Phew, glad that training and disciplining phase is done!" But, over time, it is possible to see the progress your child is making. I think back to a year ago (Z was 18 months) and remember that we struggled with getting him to sit and not fuss in restaurants (there were times we had to take him out and spank him 3-4 times). And, we couldn't walk down the street without constant vigilance because he would suddenly veer off away from us (and potentially into the street, although he never did). Now, we can go walking at our favorite location (a quaint small town Main Street kind of place) and Z does a pretty good job of staying with us and definitely knows to hold our hand to cross the street and such. And, for the most part, he also does a really good job of sitting patiently at a restaurant. I remember thinking we would never be able to really enjoy those activities with Z. And now we can!

So, whatever phase you're in, be sure that some things will get better and that new challenges will come. But don't lose sight of you and your child's progress when you're in the midst of it all.

Proud Mama

I was just looking through some pictures and I realized how STOKED I am to be the Mom of these two kids.

Z, who 6 months ago spoke less than 50 words:


Harper, who continues to bless me every day with her mellow, good nature:

Sleep - Another Panacea?

Since Harper has been sleeping through the night for almost two weeks now (she did have one more night of waking up and crying for 20 minutes since the first two days), I've been re-evaluating my expectation that I'm going to wake up one morning feeling normal again. I do feel better mentally (not as fuzzy, a little quicker thinking), but I'm still tired. I still want naps and LOVE to get in bed at the end of the day. I've been reminding myself that I still have two small children. I still am breast feeding, which takes a lot out of you physically. I still have post partum hormones ebbing and flowing.

This feeling of disappointment even after getting something I wanted isn't new. With the help of an excellent Bible study I've recently been participating in, I'm realizing that this a pattern for me. I'm always waiting for that one thing that is going to make everything better. When Harper sleeps through the night, I'll be more patient with Z. When Z is past this phase, it will be easier. When John really appreciates me, then it will be easier to serve him. When this, then that. It's a great excuse for bad behavior. It's a great reason to never be content. And I want it to stop.

I want to be present in the moment of today. I want to be content no matter my circumstances. I want the joy of living a life pleasing to the Lord no matter how the day is going. I want a constancy of attitude and mood that is not jerked around by spilled cereal or a whiny toddler. And the only way I'm going to get that is by a daily (hourly!) surrendering of my discontentment and complaining to Christ. Only God can replace my mood with His fruit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control (Galatians 5:22-23).

God never promised life to be easy, but He did tell us it would be abundant (John 10:10). Living life in a way that is pleasing to God is the only way His children will ever feel satisfied and whole. But it is a daily struggle to do so (Galations 2:20, Luke 9:23). Seems paradoxical, but the only way to feel joy and peace is to struggle and strive for righteousness.

What Baby Wise says about Sleeping Through The Night

Read this one first.
Here is what Babywise says about sleeping through the night:
Of breast-fed girls, 86.9% were sleeping through the night between 7 and 9 weeks and 97% were sleeping through the night by 12 weeks. (Sleeping through the night in Baby Wise terms is 7-8 hours.)...
Of breast-fed boys, 76.8% were sleeping through the night between 7 and 9 weeks and 96% were sleeping through the night by 12 weeks.
In addition, 80 percent of babies in our survey began sleeping through the night on their own - without any further parental guidance apart from routine feedings. It just happened. Some periods of night crying were experienced by the remaining 20 percent of children. Most of this took place over a three-day period and the crying bouts averaged between five and thirty-five minutes in the middle of the night. On average it took three to five days for a nine-week-old to break the old patterns of sleep and establish new ones."

When I read things in Baby Wise I tend to go through the stages of grief:
1. Shock and Denial- there is no way that is true! They must be drugging those babies! They didn't have a baby like mine in their study.
2. Pain and Guilt- I guess I must be doing something wrong since my babies aren't following their statistics.
3. Anger and Bargaining- If I didn't already have a child, or if my baby was an Angel baby, I wouldn't be having any problems (both not true). If I had a bigger house, she would be sleeping through the night already because I wouldn't have to hear her as much!
4. Depression- She's never going to sleep through the night.
5. Acceptance- Wait. These statistics show it's possible. We can do it! Some crying now mean more sleep later. I have to try!

I think it's important to recognize what is in the realm of possibility but also not to get too down on yourself for perceived failure. Some Moms are just not able to work on sleeping through the night because of where they're at. It is often easier to get up and feed than to listen to crying. In that case, the immediate needs of the Mom or family outweigh the longer term goal of the baby sleeping through the night. That's okay! Every family has the right to make decisions that are the best for them. However, I hope that this posting and others on this blog are helpful for those who do decide the long term goal of sleeping through the night is a priority now.

How Long is Too Long?

I got a question on how long one should let a baby cry, when trying to get them to sleep through the night.

Chronicles of a Baby Wise Mom has a good post on Crying It Out Responsibly. For me, if the baby is crying at intervals, that is, he/she stops crying occasionally (even for just a little bit, but not the kind where they are just pausing to draw in breath) then you can know that they are fine. They need time to resettle. When I pushed Z to sleep through the night, his cries were pretty loud and angry sounding but they only lasted 15 minutes. However, I knew from his crying during naps and such that it was a cry within normal limits, if that makes sense. Doctors will tell you anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour and a half of crying is okay. That seems a bit arbitrary to me. The best judge is Mom. Definitely listen to your baby and gauge whether she is okay. But remember, in the middle of the night, even very modest crying seems overwhelming. Listen for a pattern of crescendos and calms. If the baby is coming back down from the peaks of crying, then you know they are soothing themselves and are likely to settle back down. But you may have a few more peaks to go through first.

Also, you should consider how the baby falls asleep for naps. Do you rock the baby to sleep, use the pacifier, swaddle, etc? If the baby woke up during daytime naps, did you help him/her fall back asleep? These are important elements to how able the baby will be to falling back asleep on her own at night. Now, the nighttime sleep should be one of the easiest for baby to fall back asleep because they are in that sleep phase which tends to be deeper. That said, if you have been giving the baby a pacifier to go to sleep or fall back asleep, consider that in the equation. You could either give her the pacifier and decide to work on going without at another time, or you could go whole hog and wait for her to go back to sleep without pacifier. The second option will probably require more crying. Even Baby wise says it's okay to help soothe your baby back to sleep with a pacifier when working on dropping a feeding (just beware that once you're up and holding her, you're much more likely to cave in and feed her-at least that is how it was for me). However, the pacifier does tend to interrupt nighttime sleep. The baby is used to it and then they wake up without it and can't go back to sleep on their own. One option would be to work on the baby going to sleep on her own (if she doesn't already) and then try the crying it out in a week or so.

Another thing to consider is that sleeping through the night is a developmental skill. I just read that in an article-- that sleeping through the night has more to do with the age of the baby than the weight of the baby. It just happens that a common age for sleeping through the night (5-6 hour stretch) is also about the time when the average baby hits the 8 or 10 pound mark (would that make it around 6 weeks or so?). It helped me to think of the crying it out as training Harper to sleep rather than denying her food. Sure, a baby who is used to waking up at night to eat will be hungry if they wake up. You or I would also be hungry if we woke up in the middle of the night. However, the baby doesn't need the food; she will make up for the calories in her waking hours. The first night you let the baby cry, she'll be hungry, but usually by the second night the baby has compensated for the missed feeding and will be better "prepared." If your baby has slept longer through the night than what they are currently doing, then you know they can do it. Harper did a couple of nights where she went to 5am and then 6am. This told me she was able to wait to eat and was ready to work on the sleeping skill. I could also tell that she wasn't starving for her 7am feeding since she had just eaten at 4am. Remember these facts when your heart feels like it will burst listening to your sweetie cry at 4am.

You could also push the last feeding of the night a little later and see if that helps her go a little longer. This was a good test for me. When I moved Harper's last feeding later it didn't make a difference. She still woke up at 4am. This told me her little clock was stuck on that time. It was a matter of habit not necessity. I've also heard of others who suggest cluster feeding at the end of the day to pack in more food. So, rather than doing one 3 hour increment between the evening and late night (7pm and 10pm), you squeeze in two feedings at a two hour increment (7pm, 9pm, 11pm). I never really did this, but others have liked it. I kind of think it just helps you feel better that they've gotten enough so you're more likely to stay strong in the middle of the night (see comments above about developmental skill rather than feeding matter). I am completely supportive of doing whatever you need to do to make sure you are as strong as possible in your will to let the baby cry it out. Set yourself up for success. Don't push baby to cry it out after a crazy day of erratic feedings and naps.

So I know this is another one of those things you read that leave you with a bunch of options rather than answers. The bottom line is that you know your baby best. One baby's 15 minutes could be too much while another baby's 2 hours is fine. Listen to your baby and remember that you're working for what's best for her in the long run. An hour of crying seems okay to me, but I would be listening for those variations in intensity. The longest Z ever had to cry was an hour and a half. This was when we were working through the 45-minute intruder at 6 months of age. I think you already deserve a medal of honor for holding out for an hour with your 18 week-old. Hang in there and keep trying!

P.S. For what Baby Wise says about sleeping through the night, go here. For those who may already be shocked, dismayed or discouraged by this post, don't go see what Baby Wise says.

Best Mother's Day Gift Ever

Both my kids slept through the night.

For those who are wondering, for Harper's Crying It Out 2009 - Night 3, it looks like this:

Crying It Out 2009 - Night 2

I made it through the second night of pushing Harper to sleep through the night. Last night she cried intermittently for 20 minutes. That is seven minutes less than the night before, but, again, who's counting? Seriously... this is what I'm picturing in my head:


But, as I should have learned with Z, children do not follow linear trend lines. So, I'll hope for just a couple more nights of crying. I knew I was dreading it, but I forgot that feeling of lying in bed while your child cries. It is really difficult. I doubt my decision and almost get up two or three times. I start to think, I'll just go look at her or I'll get up to go pee to distract myself. But in my heart, I know that if I get out of bed, and especially if I go look at her, then I'll want to intercede. Some moms use the pacifier to ease the child back to sleep. With Harper (and with Z), I found that putting the pacifier in woke them up more than it settled them down. So I just lie there wishing it was over, praying she'll stop crying. It's amazing how long those twenty-something minutes seem.

It will be such a huge Mother's Day gift to start sleeping seven or more hours at night. It really feels like we're rounding the corner on the newborn phase. Once I get more sleep and then when we switch to a four hour feeding cycle, I really start to feel normal again. I'm thankful to be moving forward but also thankful that I enjoyed this early phase so much with Harper. It really did go by fast.

Crying It Out 2009 - Night 1

Since Harper hit week 12 this Thursday I started thinking more about pushing her to drop that last middle of the night feeding. She has been waking up at 4am pretty consistently although a few times she went past to 5 or 6am. I mentioned that her eating has been a little funny lately; that is, she's not always super interested in eating and isn't eating as much (it appears) as she used to. So, I took these to be signs that she really doesn't need the middle of the night feeding (she is ready nutritionally - is that a word?) and she will be able to reset her clock to sleep through the night (she is ready developmentally).

Once I figured that Harper was ready, I asked myself if I was ready. Was I really at the point where I could stick to it? Was this a good time for me and the rest of the family? I kind of have a habit with routines and such that when things are tough, I decide it's a good time to tackle another change. I guess I think that if it's already hard, I might as well kill two birds with one stone and try to get through the next change. I did that with 6-month old Baby Z when we stopped using the pacifier, started solids and dropped the 11pm feeding pretty much all at the same time. Let me be clear: this is not something I recommend. Really, it's usually easier on everyone to work on one change at a time, but what can I say, I'm a glutton for punishment?

So, all of that to say that I decided this week- this long, hard, sick-kid, exhausting week- was the week to start letting Harper cry it out in the middle of the night.
Night 1 (last night):
I moved her bassinet to the kitchen, tucked to the side of the fridge (the farthest place I could put her from the bedrooms, hoping for some insulation with the appliances in the kitchen). I fed her a little later than usual (11:00pm instead of 10:30pm) just to give us a less time between that feeding and the 7am wake up. She barely ate her 7pm bottle, but I didn't let that deter me (although it almost did).

At 4am I heard cries. Oh wait, that is Z! I find him crying in front of the TV, having just turned it on. I convinced him it was the middle of the night and bodily carried him to his bed while he kicked and screamed. Got him down at 4:05/4:08am. I got back in bed and prayed that Harper wouldn't wake him up again when she got up. 4:15am: Harper starts to fuss. Then cry. Then silence. Then cry. Then CRY. Then fuss. Then silence. Then fuss. Then silence ...... This took 27 minutes (but who's counting?). Twenty seven difficult minutes in my life, which apparently had no effect on either my husband or my toddler. They both slept right through it. Twenty seven minutes was more time than it ever took Z, but Harper's crying was a lot less disturbing. As long as she settled down and was quiet at all, I knew she was really fine. I talked to myself and prayed the entire time, telling myself this was what Harper needed and what the rest of us needed. I thought about being a better Mom when I have more rest. I thought about the short-term pain being worth the long-term results. Finally, she went back to sleep and so did I.

Harper then woke up at 6am. I didn't have the heart or guts to force her to cry and wait until closer to 7am, so I fed her. I could have pushed her longer; she was hungry but not ravenous (lesson learned). Then I stretched her feeding and topped her off at 6:45am or so. By the way, my BabyWise Guru recommended just pushing her as long as I could and then feeding her and adjust her schedule accordingly, rather than prolonging a feeding. I would have done this instead except I have a hair appointment very carefully orchestrated for the PERFECT time between feedings which is now not at all the perfect time. Oops. Perhaps that was another reason to wait one more day on the crying it out. Oh well. We'll figure it out.

I'll update more later about how I adjusted the day based on the earlier start time - a common problem when working on dropping the middle of the night feeding. I'll also update more later on Days 2-n of Crying It Out 2009.

CONTINUED / 5pm:
I adjusted Harper's schedule as follows after the 6am wake-up. I pushed her to wait until 9:40am (it helped that I was dropping Z off at my Mom's so I couldn't cave in to feed her earlier since we were driving). Then, I kept her up as long as I could; she made it to 11am. Then, I woke her up at 12:45pm, because that was what worked with my hair appointment (although she would have made it to 1pm). Then, I put her to bed at 2pm (kind of her usual) and woke her up at 4:30pm (oops, I slept too long). Well, you get the picture. Basically, adjust the schedule by 15 minute increments, at least. Or, if they'll sleep longer, jump to 30 minute increments until you're back on track.

Where Have I Been?

How is it that each day can seem SO long and yet the weeks just fly by? Harper is 12 weeks old today. It seems like not that long ago we brought her home. I still do occasionally get surprised when I see her sitting in her little seat or laying on a blanket. I tend to leave her places in the house and then forget about her (she is so quiet!). I'll be walking by her seat and suddenly a little kick of the legs will catch my eye. I'm going to blame it a little on the cumulative effects of sleep-deprivation, but there is a little of the second child syndrome in there also.

This week seems to be barely creeping by. Z has had a fever for the past three days and now has cold symptoms. That means we haven't really been out of the house much and we're watching a lot of Curious George. On top of that, Harper has been eating funny (not long enough, not interested, etc.) and then that is throwing her naps off a little. I have to just be thankful for how little she does cry because when she does and it coincides with Z needing something (always urgently!), I feel like my head will explode.

And, in the perfect trifecta of domestic life, John and I had a big fight this weekend. Everything is fine now and it was really good for us to air out some things. It's amazing how God uses children as a refining fire in my life. He continually brings my ugliness to light and makes me deal with it. In this highly demanding infancy and toddlerhood phase, I find myself going into a self-preservation mode where I convince myself I can only give exactly what I'm giving. Any other demands (typically my husband's) are just going to have to wait. Along with this self-protection comes a resentment and anger at the other demands that come, in whatever form: whatever seems to me to be above and beyond the daily strain of life. Somehow I manage to clean the bathroom but can't spare five minutes to cuddle with my husband on the couch. (Of course, some of that is feeling overwhelmed by the amount of physical touch required for a baby. I'm not an extremely cuddly person and I find that a baby more than fulfills my cuddle-meter, so more physical affection for and from my husband seems more than I can handle.)

Anyway, the point is that this is hard. But I can't let that be an excuse for my ugly behavior. All the things I'm trying to teach Z: self-control, not throwing tantrums, being patient, I need to work on for myself. There is nothing so humbling as realizing you just threw a tantrum (high chair tray across the room, anyone?) when you've disciplined your toddler all day for doing the same. I need to focus on praying for patience and endurance amidst the difficulty rather than praying the difficulty would go away.