Potty Training... Does It Ever End?

I've been thinking that there should be a t-shirt that says "I survived Potty Training." Really! Getting through potty training has to be at least as challenging as hiking Half Dome, right? But then I don't think any mom would know when they earned the t-shirt. When is potty training really done? Just when I think we're there, I'm cleaning up poop off the top of the swirly slide at the park. (Seriously- that was on Wednesday.) When I was joking about the t-shirt with another mom, she commented that by the time you know they're really potty trained, there is another list of things you've survived besides. So, maybe we need a fill in the blank kind of t-shirt with the phrase "I'm surviving _____ "

By the way, when Z finally unloaded the big poop he had been holding back for a few days (thus the accident at the park), he said: "Don't go on da slide! Dare's a poop dare!"

Better and Better

John says, "I can't believe what medicine can do." He's feeding Harper on the couch and I'm hustling to get the laundry put away before the kids go to bed.
I say: "What do you mean?"
John says, "It was like I used to come home every night to someone drowning. And now I'm watching you do laps in the pool."

Harper's Womanly Discovery

Here is Harper's exploring at 11 months.

Glad I don't have to explain those for a very long time.

Sanity Status

Things are moving along here. After the initial boost on the medicine I started to feel a little bit down again towards the end of the first week. The doctor started me on a week of 25mg and then switched me to 50mg after that. I think the higher dose has started to help again. This week has been challenging with lots of rain and lots of time inside, but I've been feeling okay. I haven't woken up feeling defeated or hopeless. I've been making the effort to plan things for Z to do inside and keep us all busy. Those are all good signs.
As for the plan, here is the status:
1. Vitamin supplement- I stopped it for now because I'm on the anti-depressant. Will keep it for use later on. Still think it helped.
2. Wean Harper- Done. Done. Done. Dropped a feeding at a time and have been off breast feeding for over a week. Harper was a little bothered by it, I think. Or, it could be teething. Who knows. Still having a hard time getting her to take the recommended number of ounces a day (24-32), but all I can do is keep trying. She has been waking up a little at night so I'm trying hard to just get her enough food.
3. Go to a counselor/therapist/psychologist- Finally have an appointment for this Saturday. What an ordeal trying to find someone. I kept waiting to see if I could get someone perhaps recommended by a friend and covered by our insurance. It felt weird to just pick a name on a list. In the end? I picked a name on the list. Oh well. We'll see how it goes.
4. See my doctor about my thyroid and hormones- Done. Thyroid fine. Anti-depressants prescribed.
5. Get regular babysitter so I have guaranteed time to myself at least once a week- Have this week covered. Trying out a new babysitter for long term duty.

Phew. That's about it.

LIGHT

I've had four days of medication for postpartum depression.

And...

I

Feel

BETTER!!

I can't believe the difference already! I'm so, so thankful to God for giving wisdom to man to figure out things like medication for depression. It reminds me of the line in Joy To The World: "He comes to make His blessings flow, Far as the curse is found."

I started to feel more calm and less agitated pretty quickly. But by the fourth day, I could tell a difference in how I felt and thought. Everything seemed clearer and lighter. I had a long afternoon to find something for the kids to do and I didn't despair about it. I thought of several ideas and we ended up doing them all. Z had a couple of discipline problems, but it didn't even phase me! And, for the first time in a very long time, I really enjoyed spending time with my kids! It was like looking at them with new eyes. You know how when you're away from your child(ren) and you come back and see all their adorable-ness newly and freshly? It was like that- like I was coming back from a long trip away. I noticed it more with Z, who can try the patience of a saint. I watched him play and talk and smile and it filled me up with joy. Overflowing joy!

I can't even describe the relief I feel. I have a sense of well-being and settledness. Praise God!

Sanity Update

My husband pointed out that my last postings have been a little dramatic. The terms I used like "crazy" and "crossing a line" sounded really intense. I agree. And I think it's what I needed. Once I really accepted that there was a "problem," I had to label it to the extent that I felt justified in seeking help. Hm. Up until that point I kept expecting the solution to be within me. If I could just have the right perspective then the cloud would go away. When I decided that it just wasn't something I could change on my own, the labels set down a marker for me. I would not go backwards over that marker again. I'm going forward from this point. No talking myself out of it.

I went to my OB/GYN and I'm so glad I did. As soon as I said a few words and started crying, she launched into a speech about post partum depression and how it is physical and it's not just in my head, and it's not just that I'm a bad Mom, etc. Her words couldn't have been more perfect. I knew she really understood what I was feeling and that she didn't think I was crazy. (Well, you know, like make-stuff-up crazy. Okay I'm overusing that term.) We talked for a little while and she prescribed me Zoloft (anti-depressant). She said she thought I would be feeling a lot better within a week. A WEEK!

I was thinking I would wait a little before going on medication, but when I heard that, I realized how badly I want to be better. And the whole thing about this being a physical thing happening to me really sunk in. I thought I knew that about post partum depression, but I didn't really KNOW it. You know? If I accept that this is a physical condition (sure, with lots of environmental, emotional and mental components), then why wouldn't I take medicine to help me? Waiting to see if stopping breastfeeding or the vitamin supplement would help just isn't worth it. I don't want to wait in this state to see if it gets better. I'm done waiting.

So that's it. I'm on medication. I'm still going to see a therapist because I think it will still help a lot to talk through things. I'm still getting babysitters because I still need breaks. But I feel like I'm doing the best thing for me and my family to start to feel better soon. (A week! Will keep you posted.)

Project Sanity II

I am so grateful to everyone who has written or called and encouraged me about this. I think a lot of what I'm feeling is very typical of young mothers, but just a little too much so. Does that make sense? It's like I have a cup of average problems and irritations. And at another point in my life I would have felt stressed but not undone. Either there are too many things in the cup or my cup is smaller right now. It's like I'm just barely hanging on all the time. And the slightest thing can fill the cup up and everything overflows.
It's so easy to disregard how I'm feeling. There are lots of reasons to be overwhelmed or tired: new baby, three year-old, breast feeding, friction in marriage, interrupted sleep at night, lots and lots of work and very few breaks. All I can say is that I finally crossed that line for myself and realized I needed help. The biggest eye-opener for me was thinking back to how I've felt in the past- pre-kids and even after Z was born (let's say 4-5 months after when I started to feel more normal). I remember being bored, but I had the energy and desire to plan new things and try to keep active. I remember being overwhelmed by problems, but I had clarity and perspective to plan solutions. There were hard days, but usually by the next day I was ready to start again, refreshed and re-energized.
If anything, things should really be feeling good right now. Z is much better behaved (most days) than a year ago. Harper is a breeze. I have two delightful children but I just can't seem to delight in them. That's a line crossed.

So, a quick update on my plan for feeling better:
1. Still on vitamin supplement. Nothing new to report.
2. Weaning. A little bit of discomfort but I'm on day 2 of dropping the 2nd feeding. Will start dropping 3rd feeding on Saturday.
3. Waiting until next week to call for an appointment, after I've been to both doctors.
4. Saw general practitioner today about my thyroid. I've been on thyroid medication for twenty years or more, so this was an obvious thing to check. He agreed to check my blood and send me to have an ultrasound on my thyroid. (Back story- one side of my thyroid feels larger than the other. My Mom had severe hypothyroidism after she gave birth to me. It didn't show up on the blood test but they found it because her thyroid was enlarged.)
I'm realizing that it's likely my OB/GYN will just suggest anti-depressants. I think I'm going to get the prescription, but wait to fill it until I've completed weaning and I've gone to a therapist for a few sessions. I'd rather wait and see before starting medication.
5. Still looking for a regular babysitter, but have a few set up in the near term.

Thanks for listening.

Project Sanity

Today started as another down day. So this is a good time to remind myself of the steps in Project Sanity:
1. Take vitamin supplement for hormones (Evening primrose and some other oils)
2. Wean Harper
3. Go to a counselor/therapist/psychologist
4. See my doctor about my thyroid and hormones
5. Get regular babysitter so I have guaranteed time to myself at least once a week

Report to date:
1. So far the vitamin supplement actually really seems to be helping. There have been a few moments that would have defeated me in the past and I was able to stay calm and handle it.

2. Weaning is going really well, contrary to what I would have thought even two weeks ago. I've dropped one nursing time (11am) completely and just started dropping another one (when I usually pumped at 8pm or so). Harper seems to be fine with formula; she is more temperamental about the temperature than anything else.

3. I've called several counselors and talked to a couple. Both told me to be sure to check with my doctor. After having a couple good days, it's easy to talk myself out of going. I'm going to wait and talk to my doctors, but still set up an appointment to talk to someone too. I don't want to bury some things I'm feeling and thinking and then have another crisis situation in a few months.

4. Two appointments scheduled, which seems a miracle as I've always had a hard time getting in with my general practitioner and my OB/GYN. I've written down the things I've been feeling so I don't downplay or minimize when I talk to them.

5. I have some babysitters scheduled for the next week or so, but still don't have a regular one. Trying out a new one this week, so I'll see if she might work out. I do have one for this Saturday, which my genius friend M suggested. Saturdays are always so hard for me, so why not use that time to get away and recharge rather than become further depleted. I love it! And, I might even be able to go surfing with John rather than fight resenting him for going while I'm "stuck" at home.

Perhaps it's good I'm feeling down today because it is reminding me that this problem isn't going to just disappear. I always do this-- like when I have bad cramps and then twenty minutes later they are better and I think I was just being dramatic or something. What is that about? I don't trust myself? I don't want to be weak so I downplay my struggles? Hm. Maybe that is something a therapist will help me see.

Well, I just took my vitamin and I'm headed outside for some sunshine with Z. Praying for patience and perseverance.
Jeremiah 32:17- "Ah Lord GOD! Behold, You have made the heavens and the earth by Your great power and by Your outstretched arm! Nothing is too difficult for You,"

Breaking Through

I finally decided I'm crazy. After another couple of breakdowns and good conversations with a couple friends and John, I realized that things are just not right. I am not myself. At all. I kept thinking it would get better. I kept thinking, "It's just a bad day." But it's been ten months since Harper was born (plus the pregnancy-induced craziness before that) and not that much has changed. It really should be better by now and in some ways it feels worse.

The good news is that I have a plan of action. But I realized that I often don't want to face a problem, or talk about it until I have a solution, so today I'm just going to talk about the problem. For now I want to describe what crazy feels like for me. Because perhaps someone else out there is going crazy too and doesn't know it. To me, crazy feels like this:

There's a feeling of pressure building up where I think that I can't possibly handle one more thing. Little, seemingly innocuous things send me either into rage or a frenetic state of indecision, where I jump from one thing to the next and never finish anything and can't focus on anything. My mind literally can't focus on something like making lunch because I can FEEL that runway of dirt and leaves and footprints trailing from the front door. I know the dirt can wait, but I FEEL it will destroy me if I don't handle it immediately. When it's really bad, I just cry. And cry. And cry. (To which Z says: "Mama, why you cryin' all time?")
Some days I wake up feeling already defeated and exhausted. I dread getting out of bed or hearing the kids wake up. At many points during the day I calculate how many hours until the kids are in bed, or until I'm in bed. I wonder what I'm going to do with the chasm of time between now and then. I wish that someone would come over and play with the kids so I could leave. I wonder how many more times I will have to play "gardener" with Z and sometimes I remember when I used to be able to have fun with him when doing it. I think up "errands" to go on to get out of the house and to have the kids strapped into car seats for even just the ten-minute drive so I don't have to interact with them.
Other times, it feels like there is a thick curtain between me and what is going on. I am in the moment but not of it. I watch the kids play but am distracted by the shadows and anxiety in my head. Even when I'm doing something I love, like hanging out with friends or spending time out alone, I can't quite enjoy it. The gloomy cloud has followed me and I find reasons to be annoyed or discontent with what should bring me joy.
All the time I think that I should be able to snap out of it. A quiet moment of prayer, a refocusing on what is important, wise words from a friend repeating through my mind... these should help me turn my day around. Sometimes they help a little, but often they don't. I blame myself for my failure, my bad attitude, my sin. I'm ashamed.

And then I went to see movie and laughed out loud several times. It felt like something my cheek muscles hadn't done in a long time. And then I talked to a friend* who reflected back to me what she had seen and heard for months. And she reflected back to me the person I usually am- the person she has known a long time. And I remember that I actually usually enjoy my friends, my kids, my husband. I usually have a sense of humor. I usually can get my way to a solution to most problems pretty quickly. And I realize that I am very, very tired of feeling like this.


I'm sure some of what I described are very normal mother-of-small-children feelings. But there's a line there somewhere (and perhaps it's in a different spot for each of us) and there's a point where you just have to listen to yourself and others and realize things just don't feel right. I crossed the line, folks. But I'm making changes and getting help and I'm going to break back through again.

* P.S. Thanks, M. Friend is not a big enough word to describe you.