Project Sanity II

I am so grateful to everyone who has written or called and encouraged me about this. I think a lot of what I'm feeling is very typical of young mothers, but just a little too much so. Does that make sense? It's like I have a cup of average problems and irritations. And at another point in my life I would have felt stressed but not undone. Either there are too many things in the cup or my cup is smaller right now. It's like I'm just barely hanging on all the time. And the slightest thing can fill the cup up and everything overflows.
It's so easy to disregard how I'm feeling. There are lots of reasons to be overwhelmed or tired: new baby, three year-old, breast feeding, friction in marriage, interrupted sleep at night, lots and lots of work and very few breaks. All I can say is that I finally crossed that line for myself and realized I needed help. The biggest eye-opener for me was thinking back to how I've felt in the past- pre-kids and even after Z was born (let's say 4-5 months after when I started to feel more normal). I remember being bored, but I had the energy and desire to plan new things and try to keep active. I remember being overwhelmed by problems, but I had clarity and perspective to plan solutions. There were hard days, but usually by the next day I was ready to start again, refreshed and re-energized.
If anything, things should really be feeling good right now. Z is much better behaved (most days) than a year ago. Harper is a breeze. I have two delightful children but I just can't seem to delight in them. That's a line crossed.

So, a quick update on my plan for feeling better:
1. Still on vitamin supplement. Nothing new to report.
2. Weaning. A little bit of discomfort but I'm on day 2 of dropping the 2nd feeding. Will start dropping 3rd feeding on Saturday.
3. Waiting until next week to call for an appointment, after I've been to both doctors.
4. Saw general practitioner today about my thyroid. I've been on thyroid medication for twenty years or more, so this was an obvious thing to check. He agreed to check my blood and send me to have an ultrasound on my thyroid. (Back story- one side of my thyroid feels larger than the other. My Mom had severe hypothyroidism after she gave birth to me. It didn't show up on the blood test but they found it because her thyroid was enlarged.)
I'm realizing that it's likely my OB/GYN will just suggest anti-depressants. I think I'm going to get the prescription, but wait to fill it until I've completed weaning and I've gone to a therapist for a few sessions. I'd rather wait and see before starting medication.
5. Still looking for a regular babysitter, but have a few set up in the near term.

Thanks for listening.