Sanity Update

My husband pointed out that my last postings have been a little dramatic. The terms I used like "crazy" and "crossing a line" sounded really intense. I agree. And I think it's what I needed. Once I really accepted that there was a "problem," I had to label it to the extent that I felt justified in seeking help. Hm. Up until that point I kept expecting the solution to be within me. If I could just have the right perspective then the cloud would go away. When I decided that it just wasn't something I could change on my own, the labels set down a marker for me. I would not go backwards over that marker again. I'm going forward from this point. No talking myself out of it.

I went to my OB/GYN and I'm so glad I did. As soon as I said a few words and started crying, she launched into a speech about post partum depression and how it is physical and it's not just in my head, and it's not just that I'm a bad Mom, etc. Her words couldn't have been more perfect. I knew she really understood what I was feeling and that she didn't think I was crazy. (Well, you know, like make-stuff-up crazy. Okay I'm overusing that term.) We talked for a little while and she prescribed me Zoloft (anti-depressant). She said she thought I would be feeling a lot better within a week. A WEEK!

I was thinking I would wait a little before going on medication, but when I heard that, I realized how badly I want to be better. And the whole thing about this being a physical thing happening to me really sunk in. I thought I knew that about post partum depression, but I didn't really KNOW it. You know? If I accept that this is a physical condition (sure, with lots of environmental, emotional and mental components), then why wouldn't I take medicine to help me? Waiting to see if stopping breastfeeding or the vitamin supplement would help just isn't worth it. I don't want to wait in this state to see if it gets better. I'm done waiting.

So that's it. I'm on medication. I'm still going to see a therapist because I think it will still help a lot to talk through things. I'm still getting babysitters because I still need breaks. But I feel like I'm doing the best thing for me and my family to start to feel better soon. (A week! Will keep you posted.)