Daddy & Me

One of the things John most looked forward to in having a kid was the hope that one day they would get to surf together. Like most Dads, when Baby Z was born, John couldn't help but think it would be a long, long time before they would get to do any activity together. But, we're excited to be working towards those future moments, by starting Baby Z on getting used to the water.
On Memorial Day, we took Baby Z to my Mom's pool (the slightly heated jacuzzi, actually) and John took him for a swim. Baby Z enjoyed it, I think, although he mostly just looked around and carefully observed the new experience.

As for Mommy, I mostly enjoyed the cute swimtrunks I got to put on Baby Z. Here is Baby Z submitting like a good sport to the sunblock application.

Post Postpartum

A good friend of mine once told me that the hormonal ups and down of the postpartum period can last for quite a while. She told me this to stay aware and not be too hard on myself when I suddenly turn into a psycho. Twice now, I've thought to myself, "you know, I think I'm finally over the hormonal stuff." Immediately following these thoughts, all those lovely chemicals in my brain and body decided to remind me that the Mommy Hormonal Cocktail is still in effect.

Yesterday, all in one day, I had a moment of extreme euphoria (This is the happiest I've ever been in my life!) and a moment of brewing crazy (If I don't get out of the house right now, my head will explode). John was extremely understanding of the latter, and let me go out for a cup of coffee and some time to myself. Now, in an attempt to focus on the positive, about that moment of euphoria...

I've had a few of them since getting pregnant and embarking on the adventure of Mommyhood. I wish I could bottle them up and open them later in life when I need a pick-me-up. I had many such moments toward the end of my pregnancy when thinking about the baby coming. John and I were so excited. It seemed like such a gift (and it is!) from God to have a child.

Those moments were a little different than the ones after Baby Z was born. While the pregnant euphoria was all tingly with hope and excitement for what was to come, the postpartum euphoria is more like a warm glow of satisfaction and contentment -- the feeling that the joy is more deserved or victorious for what we had to get through in order to feel it.
I had this moment of extreme joy yesterday while walking Baby Z in the sunshine, enjoying the flowers and birds. It sounds so cliche', but I think those are the most geniune moments of joy- when you aren't expecting it. I'm so thankful I recognized it when it hit, and perhaps that's why I'm writing about it. I don't want to forget these moments of contentment and joy that are recalibrating the bar of happiness in my life.

Update on Tornado of Changes

Just to summarize, here are the things Baby Z and I have tackled in the last couple weeks:
1. Starting solids
2. Giving up Pacifier
3. Dropping 11pm feeding (Yes, we did it a couple nights ago. See Batten Down the Hatches.)
4. No longer using the swaddle
5. Modifying the evening nap
6. Getting 6 month vaccinations
7. Turning over from back to front (some say it can impact sleep patterns)

It's been a little rough, but we're making it through. So far, giving up the pacifier has been the hardest thing. It has also been the change with the best results - sleeping a lot better at night. I'm so glad I went with my instincts that the pacifier was hindering his sleep at night. I've continued to modify my policy on when to use it, and I'm going to try not to beat myself up about it when I do use it. The key is that I will be able to use it as an emergency measure rather than the norm.

Feeling pretty good about the long weekend being over (as much as I enjoyed it) so we can get back into the normal patterns. I feel like we're at the end of the tunnel. We'll see.

Just Another Weekend

I passed some rite of motherhood today. For the first time, I faced a variance in the routine with grace and acceptance. And the best part is that the world didn't end.

We've had problems with Baby Z napping on Sunday mornings at church. We've played with different arrangements, such as getting him up earlier to tire him out by the time church starts, taking turns walking around with him in the stroller, etc. The arrangement that works best is to let him cry. The problem is that there are few places where it is acceptable to leave a crying baby. The nursing and toddler rooms (with the sermon piped in) aren't sound proof. And there are few noble souls who volunteer for the nursery AND volunteer to listen to a baby cry for X minutes.

Today I checked the bulletin to see who had nursery duty and was relieved to see it was a woman I thought would be seasoned at hearing a baby cry. I wheeled Baby Z over there only to find another person filling in. I knew there was no way this person would be able to let Baby Z cry.
And I decided it was okay.

Granted, it would have been extremely awkward to back out at that point. But I made the conscious decision to let it go. To go back to hear the sermon and just not worry about it. I plied a few delusional platitudes like "maybe he'll just sleep the whole time" to make myself feel better, but inside I knew that I would go back to pick up Baby Z and he would be in the nursery person's arms- wide awake. It turned out just like that and Baby Z missed his entire morning nap. I adjusted his schedule a little the rest of the day so he could catch up on some sleep and it all went okay. We had one of the best Sundays we've had in a long time. We fit in time with family and friends and some time just for John and I (while Baby Z slept).

So, praise God for giving me a little more acceptance today to handle the quirks and blips that make life what it is. And thank the Lord that I got to hear an entire sermon for the first time in quite a while.

From Obsession to Phobia

It’s probably a good time for me (and you?) to move off the topic of pacifiers and sleeping patterns. So, I’ll take this time to discuss another obsession, or should I say phobia. On Wednesday night, I had just finished feeding Baby Z his bottle. He was playing in “the office” (what we call his Baby Einstein activity center) and I was eating dinner on the couch. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a small black object dart around the corner of the Kleenex box on our coffee table. Small black thing moving fast? I jumped about 3 feet and ended up at the farthest place in the room from the thing. After starting to breath again, I inched back toward it to see what it was. S.P.I.D.E.R. It was black and furry with some yellow dots on it. Bad enough already. But what was hugely frightening for me was how FAST it could move. The minute I moved toward it at all, it would jump/run quickly in the other direction.
I have a mild (okay extreme) phobia of spiders and any other bug with jumping or erratic flying patterns (grasshoppers, Japanese beetles, June bugs). My reaction to this spider was by far the worst I have ever had. I was sweating and shaking; my heart was pounding. I started to hyperventilate. I was practically paralyzed in my living room.
John was at work (he’s been working late all week) and I really didn’t want to bother him. I thought about who else I could call. My brother lives not too far away, but he’s almost as scared of spiders as I am. I considered knocking on the door of the 13-year-old boy down the street who I once paid five dollars to catch a flying beetle in the house. I finally called John, hoping he could just calm me down. Once I was on the phone with him, that kind of backfired because I immediately lost it even more. He decided to come home.
After a 20 minute search for the hairy little bugger, John was ready to convince me that the spider must have left the house. I had an overwhelming anxiety that it was somewhere in my chair where I feed Baby Z. John agreed to search it to humor me. And low and behold, the bastard was lurking there under the fold of a blanket. I still have to take deep breaths just thinking about it.
Cutting to the chase (or capture), John caught the spider and we still have it in a jar with tape around the top. I may be attempting to de-phobia myself. Or maybe we just can’t stand to open the jar to kill it or let it go. Anyway, hopefully he dies before I have the urge to name him.
Here is the type of spider, appropriately named the Bold Jumper.

Batten Down the Hatches

48 hours since giving up the Pacifier.
It's been a long day.

Baby Z had his 6-month checkup today, including the nefarious vaccinations. The last time he got them he didn't seem that affected, so I thought today would go pretty smoothly. He was quite the little trooper after getting the shots, and slept well after that, but the rest of the day, he's been really fussy and hasn't slept well at all. I have to admit I gave in and gave him the pacifier for a little bit. It seemed to comfort him but then he spit it out, so I didn't put it back in. It wasn't really making a difference as far as getting him to sleep. I'm going to choose to interpret that as a sign we are knocking the addiction.
So, we fell off the wagon, but we are back on now. I'm considering a Pacifier Policy that allows for its use only in extreme emergencies, such as screaming in public when I can't make a quick exit, sleeping at other people's houses, etc. Such a policy would certainly have a clause for crankiness due to illness or vaccinations.

Anyway, since Baby Z hardly got any sleep this afternoon and evening, I'm considering not waking him up at 11pm. Of course, I don't have the Pacifier to help him through the dropped feeding, but I'm thinking I'll have to let him cry either way- 1. when putting him down after 11pm feeding, or 2. when he wakes up expecting the 11pm feeding. I'm leaning towards the all or nothing philosopy-- might as well suck it up and get it all over with.

It's 10:31pm. I have 29 minutes to decide.

Swirling Results II

Results Phase Two (Giving up Pacifier Addiction during daytime naps):
It's been over 24 hours since we gave up the Pacifier. That's three daytime naps down, not sure how many to go. As I reported previously, the morning nap went okay. He slept straight through until just before Noon (when he eats). The second nap went okay at first and then that dang-nabbit 45 minute intruder hit. I listened to Baby Z cry really hard (the one that hits a high-pitched note at the end and eventually starts to sound hoarse) for about 20 minutes before I gave in. I fed him 15 minutes early and hoped the next nap would be better. The 6pm nap went well going down, but the same thing happened after 45 minutes. (Of course this nap is now his "cat nap," so I'm telling myself it's okay.) I fed him and he gulped down the bottle. So, he ended up in bed at about 8pm, which is my ultimate goal for his bedtime. I guess we'll see how it goes tomorrow. I'm very thankful that he has been going to sleep pretty easily, and I think getting rid of the pacifier will help him really work through the 45 minute intruders so they don't happen all the time anymore.
I have to say I sound extremely optimistic at the end of a long tiring day.

Swirling Results

Now for the results....to Swirling Problems

Results Phase One (Working on the Evening Nap and Sleeping Through the Night):
I kept Baby Z up until 6:30pm and then put him down for the evening nap. Just when I was wondering if "cat nap" meant 45 minutes or an hour, Baby Z woke up (at 45 minutes). I decided to term this 45-minute intruder the cat nap and claim a small victory. After feeding and a little awake time, I put Baby Z to bed at 8:30pm. Move ahead to Phase One, Part 2.

Results Phase One, Part 2 (Recovering from Relapse in Pacifier Addiction):
I put Baby Z to bed at 8:30pm without the pacifier. Whereas in the past, I could sometimes get away with this without much crying, Baby Z seemed to detect that I had admitted him to Rehab. He cried for 15 minutes pretty persistently (the I'm-not-happy-about-this cry) and then another 5 minutes of intermittent (the Wait-No-I'm-not-really-sleeping-yet cry).
I then considered jumping to Phase 3 (dropping the 11pm feeding), just so I wouldn't have to wake him up and put him to sleep again without the Pacifier. I decided I couldn't do it, though, while pursuing Phase One, Part 2, which might involve listening to him cry at night. If I have the tiniest doubt that he could be hungry, I tend to cave in during the wee hours of the morning.
So, Baby Z went back to bed after the 11pm feeding, and I curled up in the fetal position with my head in John's lap until Baby Z stopped crying (about 15 minutes again). After that, I went to bed with earplugs near at hand... and....
I woke up this morning at 7:15am! I didn't hear a peep all night!!! This has renewed my resolve and encouraged me to no end! One day at a time...Pacifier Free.

Preliminary Results Phase Two (Giving up Pacifier Addiction during daytime naps):
When I was writing my Solutions yesterday, I thought I would give myself a week to get used to Night-time sans Pacifier. This morning, however, I decided to try putting Baby Z down without it. I thought..."Okay, I'll give myself 5 minutes just to see what happens..." and then before I had even looked at the clock to see how much time had passed, he was asleep! But when I usually breakdown is when he wakes up in the middle of his nap. I know that when I give it to him I am reinforcing the very problem we are trying to deal with: Baby Z has learned to associate the pacifier with sleep, especially getting back to sleep. Isn't it during the difficult times that the pull of addiction becomes stronger? Will I be able to do it?
Maybe I should move all the pacifiers to the garage.
And hide the garage door opener.

To be continued...

Swirling Problems

I'm having one of those days that made me want to blog to keep my head from imploding. You know the day- when all of the issues and questions about the routine build up like warm and cold air fronts that combine into the perfect little tornado in your mind?
So here they are, in no particular order:
a. baby not sleeping well at night again
b. baby not sleeping well during evening nap (6-8pm)
c. baby starting solids
d. baby still addicted to pacifier
e. Mommy still addicted to pacifier
f. baby still eating at 11pm to keep up Mom's milk supply

I would like to end a, b, d, e and f.
I think solving b may help a.
Have to solve e before we can solve d.
Fixing e and d will also help a.
Will c help b or a?
Will getting rid of f while doing c cause my milk supply to diminish?
More important to solve a and b than others.

Okay.
Solution Phase One: start working on a and b.
I read in Baby Wise II about a 6 month old who was waking up suddenly in the middle of the night. One suggestion was that the evening nap may be too long, so the baby wasn't as tired at night. It also talks about 6 month-old's transitioning to a "cat nap" in the evening rather than the full 1 1/2 to 2 hour nap. This is kind of what Baby Z has been doing already. I tried to jump directly to cutting out the nap and it was very difficult, so I went back to the 2 hour nap. This cat nap could be the perfect in between step.
Solution Phase One, part 2: work on a by beginning to work on d and e.
I will recommit after a relapse in Addiction to the Pacifier. No giving the pacifier after the 8pm feeding through to the morning. I will remove the pacifier from the room and put it in the noisy cabinet in my kitchen, in a ziploc, behind the chips, under a can of beans.
Solution Phase Two: continue working on d and e.
I will continue our walk through the 10 steps of Pacifier Addiction until it is eradicated completely. There is no such thing as just one suck for an Addict.
Solution Phase Three: will drop f.
Once we've gotten through the withdrawal of Phase Two, I'll start working on dropping the 11pm feeding. Regarding the milk supply, I'll keep an eye on it and if it starts to diminish, I'll do some pumping at night before I go to bed.

If you understood any of the above, then all I can say is: sometimes a tornado sweeps you up, spins you around, and then just puts you right back down somewhere else. I hope you landed on your feet, not your head.

The One Who Gets To

My first Mother’s Day was more meaningful than I expected. It made me think about being a Mom and what it meant. It made me think of how many more Mother’s Days I would have now that I am permanently part of the Moms.

We filled the day with the usual holiday accommodation of both families (mine and John’s). Lunch with his family. Dinner with mine. And in the middle of a busy Mexican restaurant, mariachi in full swing, I had a special moment of motherhood. Baby Z had missed his morning nap at church and was being rather civil despite the fact. Grandpa had walked him around, then Dad, then it was my turn (I was done with my flan, after all).

I took Baby Z outside and found a semi-quiet spot in the sun. Baby Z was alternating between looking around and burying his head into my shoulder. As I shooshed and swayed, I realized there was no place I’d rather be. I was the one Baby Z looked to for comfort. I had the shoulder he loves to cuddle. My voice is what calms him when he is upset. Those private moments are what set me apart from the rest of the world. They are what make me Baby Z’s Mom.

This revelation was especially enlightening when I think back to the first month of being a Mom. I had a hard time accepting the restriction in my freedom and was painfully aware that this new job was full time all the time. Friday nights were sad for me, because they no longer marked the weekend- a break when I got to do whatever I wanted. I resented the fact that I was the one who had to do most of the work- I had to get up at night, I had to feed him, I couldn’t be away for more than a couple of hours before pumping or feeding Baby Z again. I’d smear my way out of bed in the middle of the night and look at my peacefully sleeping husband and think, “Why does it always have to be me?”

And that was what was so special about Mother’s Day. For the first time I really understood that now, most of the time, it still has to be me, but it feels like it gets to be me.

Catch-22

I had a great weekend with Baby Z and John. We packed it full of activities (which I was mildly anxious about) and Baby Z handled it with zeal and poise (read: no breakdowns). On Sunday afternoon, we went to a Children’s Arts Fair and got a glimpse of the “with Kids” side of life. Although Baby Z was too young to make an endangered species out of pebbles, we all enjoyed watching all the squeals and sunburns.

We sat down for lunch on an outdoor patio with a spectacular view of the ocean. While John was walking Baby Z around to distract him from the fact he wasn’t getting a nap just yet, I breathed in the ocean air and warm breeze and vowed that I would simply enjoy this moment and not get upset later when the repercussions hit.

I’m talking about the Catch-22 I’ve been experiencing every since Baby Z joined our little household. It goes something like this:
1. Mommy is going crazy being in house all the time.
2. Mommy decides to go out despite looming dread that things will go wrong with Baby Z.
3. Baby Z either: a) tries out his new high-pitched scream in a crowded restaurant, or b) behaves like an angel to settle Mom into a relieved feeling of accomplishment until- SLAM- the day-after nap apocalypse begins.
4. Mommy vows to never go out again.

This pattern repeats itself just often enough to make me think hard about every outing lasting longer than an hour. It is very easy to sink into Pavlovian submission and confine myself to the house until Baby Z is 18. I tell myself I can’t live life by what might happen. I think to myself: I feel strong enough (today) to handle the repercussions (of tomorrow). But when the fallout occurs, I curse myself for trying to have coffee with the girls or letting John talk me into that fair (of course it’s all his fault!).

If I dig deep into the root of my fear, it comes down to mostly my own and other people’s opinions of me. Breakdowns in public make me hyper-conscious of the opinions of others. The curious well-meaning looks (Is that a baby?) look to me like probing stares of judgment (What kind of Mom is she?). As much as I intellectually understand that being a good Mom does not mean your baby never cries, I can’t seem to emotionally convince myself of that. Whether the crying occurs in public or at home during his afternoon nap, I feel his cries like daggers shredding my confidence and peace of mind. Am I really doing the right thing? Is he going to recover from this? Have I ruined his napping pattern forever?

Thankfully, the napping catastrophes really never last more than a day or two. Both Baby Z and I always do get through it (not to mention my longsuffering husband). And that magical amnesia of parenting always does kick in enough to make me willing to venture out again. If I could just bottle that assured confidence after weathering a two-day storm and make it into a little life vest for the next baby hurricane that comes my way.

Say My Name, Say My Name

Growing up, I remember my Dad calling me pumpkin. I loved it. I think my Mom and Dad probably also called me sweetie or something like that, but I mostly remember pumpkin. Now, with a son of my own, I imagine that my parents had many more nicknames that fell by the wayside as I got older. I have already cycled through six or eight terms of endearment for Baby Z, and now, after 5 months, I’m noticing the ones that stick. From the womb, John and I started calling him The Dude. That one remains. In fact, that is how John and I often refer to Baby Z when talking to each other. As far as the names I use when speaking to Baby Z, at first it was Bean, Sugar Bean, Butter Bean, then Booger Bean. Then Booger. Then Boog. Boog stuck. I had moments of awareness that Booger isn’t the nicest of nicknames, but I couldn’t stop the evolution. It just rolls off the tongue- over and over again. At least it isn’t a variation of Poop. ☺

Nicknames and Pet Names are used for those with whom you have an intimacy. Obviously this applies to that person who is attached to your breast for hours every day and depends on you for everything. I wonder which name will stick long enough in Baby Z’s life for him to remember it when he’s older. At what point will he no longer be “Boog” to me? Or, at what point will he no longer like to be “Boog” to me? Sigh. For now, I hope that’s a long way off.

Addicted

Uh oh. I unwittingly hooked Baby Z on baby crack:
The Pacifier.

Sigh. It was like magic at first-- one suck on it and he was instantly droopy-eyed and quiet. It really worked! But then…

Baby Z started waking up in the middle of the night a lot more often. Usually (since we dropped the middle of the night feeding) he would wake up maybe once or twice and fuss a little then go back to sleep. Before I knew it, I was waking up every hour all night long, groping my way to his room to give him his pacifier. At first I rationalized that I could do it as often as needed as long as I wasn’t feeding him in the middle of the night. Surely a minute or two every hour wasn’t that disruptive to my sleep, right? (My husband would certainly disagree with his crabby wife on that one.)

After consulting the Baby Wise book (problem solving chapter at the back), and a friend at church, I addressed it as a hunger problem first. So, I supplemented some formula at his 8pm feeding (a bottle feeding Dad does while I pump). The amount I was pumping at 8pm had been dwindling, and he was usually more fussy than usual after the 8pm feeding, so I think he just wasn't getting enough. Once we added the formula for that feeding, we had a more content baby at that time of day and he did sleep a little better- waking up only a couple of times through the night. However, after a few days, he was still waking up from 3 to 5 times a night. Grr. As usual, I had to get to a breaking point of frustration before I was willing to really address the problem.

Following my hunch, I did some research online about pacifiers and waking up at night. Sure enough, I had been reinforcing Baby Z’s association of sleep with the pacifier. I bit the bullet and didn't give it to him at his bedtime at night (haven't pulled back on its use during naptimes yet). The first night he woke up twice and cried for 10-15 minutes (brutal!), but then the next night he slept completely through the night. I was so relieved and much happier in the morning, after a good night's sleep. It’s been that way for over a week now, and I am so thankful for the real sleep.

My life lesson on this subject is the realization that it has sometimes been challenging for me to recognize a problem when either the cause or solution is something I don't want to face. For example, the pacifier problem- my fault for starting it (hard to admit) and the solution- letting him cry at night (very hard to face). It is very humbling to think how blinded I can be by my own issues. This is just the beginning of God using Baby Z to humble me and cause me to depend on God.

“And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ,” Philippians 1:9-10

On the Positive Side

Thanks to others who provided information from those who have had positive experiences with Baby Wise!

Everyone has their own experience, and I am sure that there are lots of Moms (like myself) who have found PD feeding to be a lifeline in the early weeks of motherhood.

www.ezzotruth.com provides a lot of great information about the Growing Families International curriculum, including some answers to Frequently Asked Questions about the parent-directed feeding approach.

Mistakes I May Make

In response to my question regarding fellow Baby Wise-rs out there, a commenter directed me to a helpful site (www.ezzo.info) where people share their experiences (mostly negative) with Baby Wise. I have to admit I was at first dismissive. But, in the spirit of honesty and openness, I read through quite a few of the experiences shared. I am so glad I did! I valued the thoughts and experiences because they were first and foremost the genuine experiences of fellow parents, struggling with raising kids in a way that would glorify God.
There were many lessons learned shared that I will truly take to heart. Here are just a few:
➢ Not feeding baby when he is hungry because overly focused on schedule
➢ Not paying attention to breastfeeding/milk supply because overly focused on schedule
➢ Focusing so much on rules and steps that the principles and goals get lost
➢ Thinking that the Baby Wise approach is the One and only method for raising godly children
➢ Surrounding yourself with only BW parents; not being open to discussion with parents with other approaches

It’s easy to think of the mistakes I’ve already made in my first 5 months of motherhood. Just to name a few: not letting baby cry for more than 0.02 seconds at night before intervening, giving baby pacifier too often, not defending what I knew to be best for my baby (sleep vs. play time). When using any type of approach to anything, there is always the risk of following steps and rules rather than understanding concepts and applying them in the way you think is best.

Oh, how I wished (still wish) for the one easy answer that would solve my new Mommy problems. I wanted the answer to be a trick, an action, a product, even, which would make the problem go away. I’ve been blessed with many cases where the advice of a friend or my instinctual response to something has proven to be very effective in helping with the problem. However, I have often ignored God, the One who is able to give us everything we need to handle life’s trials, the One, Jesus, who understands our weakness, the Holy Spirit, who intercedes with the Father on our behalf. The best tool for parenting was there all along, waiting for me to ask and depend on Him.

Now God gives us resources on earth (friends, books, doctors) to help us in life, so I’m not saying I will quietly sit in my prayer closet until the answer comes. I am saying that I need to first go to God in my frustration and confusion. Then, I can seek for advice elsewhere and ask God to help me weigh them prudently.

I am thankful for the www.ezzo.info website because it has given me insight into the mistakes I’ve already made and could easily make in the future. It reminded me of how important it is to focus first on God and His Word in everything I do. So, today, I think I’ll pray a little more for Baby Z to learn to love the Lord and a little less for the solution to him waking up an hour into his morning nap.