Sacrificing the Now for the Good of the Later

Here we are at 6 weeks. According to Baby Wise, between 6 and 9 weeks "most babies" will drop the middle of the night feeding. That means I'll feed Harper at 10pm and then only get up once around 3am to feed her again until the start of her day at 7am. I'm starting to see her go longer- she'll go from 10/10:30pm to 3am, but then she only goes to 6am. Then I've been doing a quick "snack" feeding and putting her back down to sleep until 7am. Unfortunately, this hasn't always worked, and she'll move around and wiggle and murmur in that hour just enough that I can't sleep (mostly worrying that she'll wake Z).
This morning, though, I had a realization. I soothed and used the pacifier for about thirty minutes and then I finally reswaddled her because she had gotten pretty loose and kept pulling the blankets up over her face. And she fell asleep again! Duh. I think the swaddle will do more than the snack feeding actually. So, I can try that tomorrow.

All of this had me thinking about how often while building a routine for little ones, you have to sacrifice the immediate for the long term. It is so tempting to do whatever it takes to get the baby to stop crying now. You're sleep-deprived and your toddler is crabby and today is just a tough day so you adjust the routine or break it all together. In the middle of the night, when I know I should be letting Harper wiggle and fuss a little longer (she doesn't even cry that much- man, I'm a wimp!), I just think about getting the feeding over and done so I can get back to sleep. It's hard to lie there awake listening to the crying when you know you can put a stop to it quickly and get more sleep that way. However, that only gets me a few more minutes of sleep today and doesn't help get us closer to Harper sleeping through the night.

There are other examples, of course, such as rocking the baby to sleep one more time, or putting the pacifier back in for the tenth time. Each of these things have their place, but I often find that I want the easy, immediate solution at the expense of the long term goal. But, really, I don't want to be putting the pacifier in all night when Harper is 5/6 months old. I also don't want to be rocking her to sleep in a few weeks/months when she weighs a lot more than she does now. These are my priorities and goals as a Mom, so I need to "start as I mean to go"* with implementing them.

One of the most important strategies for me with establishing a routine is to set goals for myself in the daytime (at the start of the day, usually) about what that night and the next day will look like. I find that, in the day, I am much stronger than at night, when my primary motivation is my own sleep. If I want to start letting the baby cry, I decide when I'll start and how long I'll let the baby go before interceding. For example, lately I have set the goal to let Harper fuss/cry for at least three minutes at night. Amazingly, this has been hard to do. Three minutes seems easy in the daytime, but in the dead silence of the night, three minutes can seem like ten. I whip out my cell phone (which I use as my watch at night) and watch the minutes go by and, honestly, with Harper, I haven't been that successful with my goal. I usually make it about two minutes: one lying in bed and one to get my sweatshirt and slippers on.

This leads me to the next struggle I find in establishing a routine. I tend to think that things will magically happen. This is where Baby Wise is a little misleading. Now, every baby is different, so maybe this worked for you, but.... I kept thinking with Baby Z that the next night would be the night when I would just wake up in the morning surprised he never woke up. Every night I went to bed with hope and woke up deflated. There were a few implementation errors on my part, I have to admit, such as barely letting him cry at night from the beginning. I never realized the lightning speed at which I could get out of bed and have him feeding until I actually started to time it. So Z got stuck on the three-hour feeding schedule. I would record his wake-up times which only varied by about 10 minutes either way and convince myself that this meant he wasn't stuck. This ability to hope and rationalize can be helpful in coping with all of the interrupted sleep, but it also kept me from seeing what I needed to do.

It wasn't until the continual hope-deferred pushed me to a breaking point at 10 weeks (1st middle of the night feeding) and then 14 weeks (2nd middle of the night feeding) that I finally decided to let him cry it out at night. On the advice of a friend, I watched the clock to see how long he cried. The first night he cried 15 minutes, the second 8, the third 5 and that was it. He would occasionally wake up after that but I knew he could do it and it usually wasn't very long before he was back to sleep. Now, with Harper, I really don't want to get to that point of frustration before pushing to get to our goal. Out of the two babies, it really should be easier with Harper since she barely cries at all. I have a threshold (I couldn't give you an exact time span) for the amount of crying I hear and then I start to go nuts. Baby Z would hit the threshold pretty much every day at first. Harper hasn't hit it yet. So, I should be able to take a little crying at night, right?

So, I'm renewing my commitment before these witnesses to focus on the long term. I will put Harper down while she's awake (but sleepy) and let her put herself to sleep. I will continue with the bottle despite signs that Harper isn't stoked on it (more on that later- yikes!). I will let Harper cry (current goal: 3 minutes; starting slow) at night. I'll keep everyone posted. The accountability will keep me strong. Go Team!



*From "Secrets of a Baby Whisperer" by Tracy Hogg. A really good book to balance out the somewhat dry, unemotional "Baby Wise."

Does The Floor Really Have To Be That Clean?

It occurred to me today that Fridays are the closest thing I get to a weekend. Z is at Grammy's and I have good chunks of time to either relax or get things done. And although it can feel really good to clean up the house or pay the bills, I wonder if I'm using the time for the best. Contrary to my to-do list (which prioritized other items), I just spent about an hour sweeping and mopping the dining room and kitchen. Now I'm thinking I should have done something more enjoyable for myself, like take a walk, write, read or work on Harper's baby photo album. Then again, cleaning (without a toddler around) gives me a sense of Flow.

As with most things in life, I guess it's about balance. I got some cleaning done this morning and I'm going to take a nap and go for a walk this afternoon. I think that is probably a mixture that works well for me. It is a good question to ask, however, since especially women tend to prioritize others over themselves. If my husband had a day like today, he would be surfing or retooling a skateboard in the garage. I really can't complain (or maybe just not as much) if I don't take the opportunities I have to do some things that re-energize me. And if I think the floor really does have to be that clean, then I need to be realistic about other things that won't get done, such as dusting (which was on my list of to-do's). I guess the bottom line is that I think it's okay to let some things on the to-do list go in order to find some time to relax and recharge. Of course I'm not advocating not feeding your toddler lunch so you can take a nap (although don't think I haven't thought about it).

Catching Up to Me

The first month or so I kept thinking how much easier this post partum experience has been compared to the first time. I didn't feel the extreme exhaustion or the crazy, emotional mood swings. Even the night sweats weren't as bad. And then week five hit. Now I'm feeling all of the things I felt last time: frustration at the narrow window of time between feedings, feeling like a slob all of the time, tired to the point of delirium, wishing my boobs weren't so freakin' big... Last night I cried and cried because Z was late getting into bed and I kept thinking of that half an hour of down time I just lost. I would love to get outside and go for a walk or even just be by myself for a while, and I just can't manage to do it. I could go before dinner time if I take Harper in a sling and put Z in the stroller. But I don't have the energy and patience to get Z talked into the stroller (he's been walking to the park for the last six months or more). Anyway, this is when it all sinks in for me and I start to really struggle.

I am so, so tired. My eyeballs ache.

So, the good news is that I remember that this phase will pass. And it goes a lot more quickly than it feels like at 3am. And Harper went about five hours between feedings last night - the longest so far- so I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I gotta just hang in there and try not to murder my two-year-old. I've been praying a lot. Begging God for patience and mercy in the difficult moments. I have also been calling John at work so he can hear the crying fit Z is having (or whatever the situation is) and telling him to pray for me. It helps to know someone else knows what I'm going through. And, of course, God knows. God knows my heart and thoughts better than I do and He will supply all my needs. I keep thinking of that verse: His strength is perfected in my weakness.
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

I'm not at the point of boasting about my weakness, but I do know that just like with Z, God will use this time to make me grow. Perhaps God doesn't always use difficulty to help us grow, but I have seen how effective it has been in my life. Maybe one day (when I'm a grandmother and I don't remember my kids ever crying?) I'll boast in the "weakness" of this time and how it changed me for the better.

Confessions of a Mom of Two

This week turns out to be what I expected from last week. Z is sick. And testing my limits. Lots of discipline for Z. Three times while nursing Harper at one feeding yesterday afternoon. Breakdowns from me about three or four times a day. Lots of tears from Mommy.

Tantrum at grocery store yesterday because the cart with the car in front wasn't there. Z wouldn't get into the regular cart so I told him we were leaving. On our way out the door, actually, when I stopped to discipline him because he wouldn't walk out the door, a cart with a car showed up. He still got the discipline but I did go ahead with the shopping. Not sure if that was the right thing to do or not. Then, as we were buying our groceries, the bagger asked if the checker had scanned the candy, looking down at Z in the car. I said, oh, no, we're not going to buy that... and then he informed me it was already being consumed. A Butterfinger eviscerated, chocolate slobber running down Z's chin.

I know that part of Z's disobedience is boredom. We couldn't go to speech play group because he was sick, and I only have short windows of time and little imagination at the moment. So we're inside a lot and coloring gets old. Thus, Z eats a pink crayon and spits it out on our rug. I feel like I did in the first trimester of pregnancy when I didn't have the energy to keep Z moving and then got frustrated when he got into everything. The up side is that I have enough energy and strength to discipline him. I know that will help in the long run and that it is the right thing to do. He is testing the limits now that Harper is here, and I have to show him now that the rules haven't changed or else...everything gets a lot harder.

I'm struggling with patience and love for Z. I have often thought how nice it would be to just have Harper right now. Then I feel like a horrible Mom, of course. But I think it's okay to want a break from your toddler, right? I'm not planning on dropping him off at the orphanage or anything. Just a few hours to take a shower, check email, clean up the house. That's fair, right? Well, I have my wish for now because a babysitter just took Z to the park. He gets to run around; I get down time. Win-Win.

So, I'm praying that my down time now will help me be more patient and energetic with Z this afternoon. And I'm praying my love for Z will be unconditional and persistent even when he's disobedient. (Does that mean I have to always like him too?) This has made me think about how God continually forgives and loves us when we do a lot worse things than grind our cereal into dust all over the living room.

Comfort in Numbers

Harper had her one month checkup yesterday. I was shocked that she weighs 8 pounds, 14 ounces. That's almost nine pounds!! I thought she was doing well- eating well, gaining weight, etc. But hearing that number was like getting an A+ on my report card. There is something so reassuring about numbers. In parenting, there is rarely clear, objective feedback on your performance. Coming from a life of school and then the working world, it is hard to transition to motherhood where the most feedback you get in a week is a smile or a trip to the grocery store without tantrums.
So while numbers still mean something, before Harper is big enough for more complicated needs and feedback, I'm celebrating my chubby little girl (well, in the cheeks at least).

Our Routine - Two Kids

We're getting into the swing of things with our routine. Here is how it works for us with both kids' schedules. For times when Harper's not quite ready for a nap and not liking her chair, I've been using a sling to carry her around. This is extremely helpful when I want to get a few things done and I can't be in the same room with her and Z (We are still on high alert with Z's interaction with Harper. He is learning, but still not 100% obedient about not touching her faces- eyes especially- and not putting things in her mouth, like food he wants to share or her pacifier).

Time	Harper	Z	Mom
7am	Wake Up, Feeding	Still asleep, or still playing in bed	Feeding
8am	Awake Time	Wake Up	Get Breakfast for Z (unless John has already)
8:15 - 9:00am	Nap	Breakfast, Some Television, Getting Dressed	Put Harper to bed, Get Breakfast, Get Ready. On days I want a shower, I do that before Harper's 7am feeding.
8:45 or 9am	Move to Car Seat	Get in Car	Get Kids in Car (When we have to be somewhere, approx. 3-4 times per week.). I'm trying to get all bags and such ready the night before so there is less to do that morning.
10am	Feeding	Play. Good time for private play time. Or, I'm going to set him up with coloring or read books with him.	Feeding
11am	Nap	Playtime with Mom	Playtime with Z (outside when possible)
12pm	Still Napping	Clean up and Lunch	Lunch
1pm	Feeding	Alone playtime or TV	Feeding
2/2:15pm	Sit with Z and me	Read books then go to bed for nap	Put Z down for nap and then Harper
2:30pm-4pm	Nap	Nap	Nap (aahhh.... God shines his goodness on me!)
4pm	Feeding	Get up & Snack. If Z isn't up by 4pm, he plays while I'm feeding Harper. If he gets restless, I'll yell for him to go ahead and get out of bed.	Feeding & Snack
5pm-6pm	Nap	Play with Mom and Alone Play time	Play with Z until have to get dinner ready
6/6:30pm	Nap	Dinner	Dinner and then clean up
7pm	Feeding	Playtime with Dad	Feeding
7:45pm	Sit with us for storytime before Z goes to bed	Get ready for bed and storytime	Storytime
8/8:15pm - 10pm	Nap	Bed	Clean up, Change into PJs, Watch TV with John
10pm	Feeding	Bed	Feeding
10:45/11pm	Bed	Bed	Bed

More Than Surviving

So far, so good. Day Two of Whole Week By Myself With Two Kids.

We went to Z's speech play group this morning and to the grocery store after. Tackling the grocery store with two kids feels like a major accomplishment. Yeah! I put Z in the play car in the front of the cart and Harper in her car seat up in the front seat of the cart. I felt like the super-size SUV of the aisles, but we managed.

Yesterday, John came home and said how proud he was of me. He said more words of praise at one time than I think he ever has. "I came home and you seemed fine! In fact, you seemed happy. It didn't seem like the day had defeated you." He said he was really proud of me and what a great Mom I am. It felt really good to hear that, because I often don't have the appropriate perspective to see it for myself. It felt like a pretty good day despite having to discipline Z several times and losing my temper once. Perhaps my expectations were a little low, but it just felt normal. Normal is good.

So, praise the Lord for a good week so far. And pray to God for continued endurance and patience for me. I sure do appreciate everyone's words of encouragement.

First Day Us Three

I survived the first day without John. In fact, I did more than survive. I handled it. The three of us made it through the day, accomplishing everything we intended: getting dressed, eating meals, getting to Z's speech therapy group, playing outside for a little while, taking naps. Z had a few discipline moments, but we made it through. I was extremely tired by the end of the day, which is when I tend to get negative. (Really, there should be no self-evaluation allowed after 6pm.) Today, I can see how well it really went.

Next week will be the test, when there are more consecutive days of caring for two children. I'm extremely thankful that the two routines I laid out for the kids are working really well. There are some sticky moments of both kids needing me at once, but for the most part, things are staggered so I'm not going crazy. I did some planning and I realized there is not a lot of time where we aren't busy at least part of the day. When we're not busy is when Z starts to get more restless and tends to act up. I do better when I'm busy (but not too busy!) also.

Today Z has been at Grammy's all day and I've enjoyed some time at home with Harper. I am shocked at how much I can get done when there's no toddler around. It's amazing to me that I think life with a newborn is actually easier than with a two-year-old (not to mention both a newborn and a two-year-old). Anyway, here's to one day of success managing two children on my own. Hurray!

Post Partum Status

It's been almost three weeks. I'm tired but not delirious. I'm cheerful some, or maybe most, of the time. I'm still getting night sweats (yuck!). I'm sick of wearing pads. I had to buy another maternity bra in a bigger size. Yikes! I'm wearing a completely non-maternity outfit for the first time today (caviat: the jeans are post-partum transition jeans, but real jeans nonetheless). I've breastfed in public (meaning I used a cover and sat amongst many people) five times (probably more than I did for Z's entire time of breastfeeding).

Overall, I'm doing pretty well. Most of the time I feel good and I'm able to do the things I need to do. And then occasionally it hits me and I feel like I can't do one more thing. I'm realizing my image of the kind of Mom I want to be now is not realistic. I cannot be the same Mom now that I was when I had one child. And especially now, when Harper is small and I'm breastfeeding, there are going to be things Z has to miss out on. As much as I want to be the Mom who can take Z to the park and breastfeed on a bench, I'm just not there yet. Maybe I will be in a month or two, or maybe I'll never be. And, dang it, that's okay.

John goes back to work this Thursday. I'm scared about it. There will be many breakdowns in the next couple of weeks. John started researching preschools just to see what options we have and to help me out. I interpreted it as me failing at being the right kind of Mom for Z. It felt like John was going to contract out child services because I wasn't going to be able to handle the job. In a teary discussion last night, I told him how I was feeling and asked him to be mostly a listener in the next few weeks. I told him I needed to be able to fall apart and not worry about him "fixing" the problem in a way I didn't want. I needed to have some time to vent and cry and not feel like a failure of a Mom for doing so.

I know that adjusting to this phase is like adjusting to a new baby. It is extremely hard at first and then it gets easier. I need to give myself time to get our rhythm and pace. I need to give myself a break about Z; he is not going to be damaged if he doesn't get to go to the park for a month or two. Our backyard will be fine. He will be fine. We will all be fine.