The first month or so I kept thinking how much easier this post partum experience has been compared to the first time. I didn't feel the extreme exhaustion or the crazy, emotional mood swings. Even the night sweats weren't as bad. And then week five hit. Now I'm feeling all of the things I felt last time: frustration at the narrow window of time between feedings, feeling like a slob all of the time, tired to the point of delirium, wishing my boobs weren't so freakin' big... Last night I cried and cried because Z was late getting into bed and I kept thinking of that half an hour of down time I just lost. I would love to get outside and go for a walk or even just be by myself for a while, and I just can't manage to do it. I could go before dinner time if I take Harper in a sling and put Z in the stroller. But I don't have the energy and patience to get Z talked into the stroller (he's been walking to the park for the last six months or more). Anyway, this is when it all sinks in for me and I start to really struggle.
I am so, so tired. My eyeballs ache.
So, the good news is that I remember that this phase will pass. And it goes a lot more quickly than it feels like at 3am. And Harper went about five hours between feedings last night - the longest so far- so I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I gotta just hang in there and try not to murder my two-year-old. I've been praying a lot. Begging God for patience and mercy in the difficult moments. I have also been calling John at work so he can hear the crying fit Z is having (or whatever the situation is) and telling him to pray for me. It helps to know someone else knows what I'm going through. And, of course, God knows. God knows my heart and thoughts better than I do and He will supply all my needs. I keep thinking of that verse: His strength is perfected in my weakness.
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9
I'm not at the point of boasting about my weakness, but I do know that just like with Z, God will use this time to make me grow. Perhaps God doesn't always use difficulty to help us grow, but I have seen how effective it has been in my life. Maybe one day (when I'm a grandmother and I don't remember my kids ever crying?) I'll boast in the "weakness" of this time and how it changed me for the better.
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I completely understand what you're going through! Thanks for letting me know I'm not the only one. I just had my 2nd about 3 months ago and it has been crazy. She is a great baby until it's time to go to sleep then she cries and cries and cries. It is so frustrating. Nothing I do seems to work, and with an 18 month old running around I can't be as attentive as I'd like to be. I cry and pray alot. Sometimes I feel like God isn't listening cuz the situation isn't getting any better. Just when I think it's a little better, it seems to get worse. But I am doing my best to trust God and believe that He has not forgotten me and He will see me through. Just because Aliyah still cries doesn't mean He isn't listening. I know this season will pass, but when you're int he middle of it it's hard to really see it. But I'm doing my best. I'll be praying for you... as I know first hand the joys and trials of having two kids. :-)
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