It's been almost three weeks. I'm tired but not delirious. I'm cheerful some, or maybe most, of the time. I'm still getting night sweats (yuck!). I'm sick of wearing pads. I had to buy another maternity bra in a bigger size. Yikes! I'm wearing a completely non-maternity outfit for the first time today (caviat: the jeans are post-partum transition jeans, but real jeans nonetheless). I've breastfed in public (meaning I used a cover and sat amongst many people) five times (probably more than I did for Z's entire time of breastfeeding).
Overall, I'm doing pretty well. Most of the time I feel good and I'm able to do the things I need to do. And then occasionally it hits me and I feel like I can't do one more thing. I'm realizing my image of the kind of Mom I want to be now is not realistic. I cannot be the same Mom now that I was when I had one child. And especially now, when Harper is small and I'm breastfeeding, there are going to be things Z has to miss out on. As much as I want to be the Mom who can take Z to the park and breastfeed on a bench, I'm just not there yet. Maybe I will be in a month or two, or maybe I'll never be. And, dang it, that's okay.
John goes back to work this Thursday. I'm scared about it. There will be many breakdowns in the next couple of weeks. John started researching preschools just to see what options we have and to help me out. I interpreted it as me failing at being the right kind of Mom for Z. It felt like John was going to contract out child services because I wasn't going to be able to handle the job. In a teary discussion last night, I told him how I was feeling and asked him to be mostly a listener in the next few weeks. I told him I needed to be able to fall apart and not worry about him "fixing" the problem in a way I didn't want. I needed to have some time to vent and cry and not feel like a failure of a Mom for doing so.
I know that adjusting to this phase is like adjusting to a new baby. It is extremely hard at first and then it gets easier. I need to give myself time to get our rhythm and pace. I need to give myself a break about Z; he is not going to be damaged if he doesn't get to go to the park for a month or two. Our backyard will be fine. He will be fine. We will all be fine.
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4 comments:
you are right. you will be fine. i think that even though it is scary having john go back to work, it is a good thing. part of the anxiety is the unknown. the sooner you start it, the better you will feel.
i keep meaning to ask, have you thought about getting a plastic slide or something like that for the backyard?
i know you are going to do a great job!!!
love,
m
I know that you can do it. I know the idea of it is SO overwhelming. The daytime "3" of you will become a team sooner or later and it will be ok. Don't be hard on yourself - it's a hard job and I haven't met anyone that is perfect at it yet. I will pray for you especially tomorrow and over the next couple weeks. Hang in there! I love you! Mrs. PJ
One more thing...during my first couple weeks alone when he returned to work, Paul said to me "you don't seem happy". I remember saying "I am, but I'm not". I read an article that has helped me that says "Before you lose control of your emotions and words, take a moment to invite God into the situation. Admit your need and ask Him to calm your reactions and help you show His love to your children". How in the world do people do this without our Lord?! :-) Mrs. PJ
Hey Dara!
I loved what Mrs. PJ had to say - good stuff for me to hear too!
I know you will be fine, as you say, probably better than that on most days:) Not that you're asking but I think when I stumble the most is when I try to think we ought to to more and look like someone else's family and the fact that they can do the park 3 days after delivery... What works best for other families is not what works best for us. It's great to see that you've already figured that out! The most important part of this business is building relationships with our little people - enjoy!
Hugs,
kristi gregg
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