Twelve

John and I have been married twelve years today. Twelve. Think of a twelve year-old kid! That's a lot of years!

I'm so thankful for our marriage and how God has used it to make both of us more like Christ. This past year has been especially hard with having the second child and the post partum depression, yet I can see how God has used the struggle for our good. I can honestly say that we feel closer to each other now than ever before.

John's surf trip with four other Christian guys was really good. They did some lessons from a Tim Keller study on marriage and had good conversations about being husbands and fathers. And of course they did lots of surfing and relaxing!

Today we became members of our new church. It seems a fitting day for our anniversary and what I feel like is the beginning of lots of new beginnings. We already feel like we're growing at our new church and we're excited about getting to know everyone. It's awesome to feel hopeful and optimistic about the future. Praise the Lord!

Day Eight- He's Home!

Saturday
All in all a pretty good day. My babysitter canceled (I was going to have some time to myself this morning), but I turned it for the best and we had a nice morning at the Nature Center and then to an animal shelter to see the cats and dogs. We made a Welcome Home sign for Pap and washed his car. Visited with the wives and kids of the rest of the guys on the surf trip and then off to the airport to pick up John.
Z is SOOOO happy to have John home. He was literally beaming and bouncing around. John brought him two really cool shells and Z put them on the shelf like they are the greatest treasure he's ever owned (which they probably are!).
I am SOOO happy to have John home too. He told me how proud he is of me for doing such a good job this week. And he thanked me again for allowing him to go. And he almost jumped with joy when I showed him the reorganized cabinets! :)

Goodnight! Looking forward to a good night's sleep tonight.

Day Seven

Friday
Today was pretty easy because it's the day my Mom watches the kids and I go to work. I took off early for some alone time, which was nice. But I have to say I'm feeling pretty worn out. I had to pray and gear myself up for going to my Mom's house to pick up the kids. Z usually starts to act up right when I get to my Mom's but today he was tired so he was pretty good. I got the kids in bed early tonight because they were both so tired, but now Harper is crying and Z is reading a book. It feels harder when there's no one else here in the house.

-10 minutes later-
Aaah. Harper's finally asleep.

Overall, I guess I should be really proud and thankful we all made it through this week with some fun moments (and a few not so great moments). Again, I'm so, so thankful I don't have to do the single parent thing all of the time. But it's funny how you kind of just suck it up and do it because there is no other option. I wonder if sometimes I call John during the day about some difficulty because it is a way to feel like someone out there knows that my job is hard. This week I prayed a lot and really had to rely on God to "see" me.
This makes me think of Hagar, who after being mistreated by Sarai, runs away into the desert. She is pregnant with no where to go and no one to take care of her. God speaks to her directly and tells her that she is part of His plan. "She gave this name to the LORD who spoke to her: "You are the God who sees me," for she said, "I have now seen the One who sees me." (Genesis 16:13) I love this idea that God SEES me. He knows me better than I know myself and even when I can only pray, "God help me," He can, and does, help me better than anyone else. I hope I can take that truth into the weeks and years to come: that I am not flying solo ever and God is the best co-parent, spouse, friend there is.

-Another 10 minutes later-
Z is asleep!! 8:25pm. Yipee!

Day Six

Thursday
Drop-off and pick-up without tantrums! Yipee! I praised Z over and over again for being such a big boy and handling his disappointment. He said he wanted to stay and started to sit at the tables but I reminded him that he couldn't stay and that he told me he wasn't going to through a tantrum like the last time. Other kids were getting picked up too so I was able to point out that other kids were going home. And the teacher helped by saying he was a lucky boy who got to go home.

I'm already seeing what a great school this new one is going to be for us. I talked to his teacher and the director of the preschool at drop-off today and they were both very encouraging and supportive. I really feel like I'm going to have another resource for ideas in how to help Z. I'm so thankful!

So this is the long stretch between now and bedtime tonight. I have some shopping and a trip to the park (meeting friends) planned, so hopefully it goes by quickly and we have a good time.

I just want to say thank you to everyone who has been praying for me. I really have felt God's strength in me this week. We are really looking forward to John coming home. Z keeps saying that he wants to go to Mexico. And yesterday he asked if Papa is coming home. Home stretch!

8:32pm. Both kids are in bed but neither are asleep. We skipped the shopping but went to the park. It didn't quite turn out like I thought (when will I learn) and I spent my time running after the kids rather than eating or talking to anyone. Oh well. We made it through another day. Just praying for a little more patience to make it through until Z falls asleep.

Day Five

Wednesday
I feel like we're at the top of the hill now. Just downhill to go. But, man, I'm tired.

Went to the beach today with a babysitter to help. It was pretty fun and killed a bunch of time. A friend and her little girl came so it was nice to have some adult conversation. I also had that at book club last night, so that was good. After getting the kids home and down for nap time/quiet play time, the babysitter and I reorganized the bathroom cabinets and kitchen cupboard. Awesome!! It's totally one of those things I have a hard time making myself do, so having someone there to help was a good impetus.

I'm praying that the drop-off and pick-up at preschool tomorrow goes okay. Z keeps saying he's never going back to "dat preschool." I'm hoping he changes his mind when he sees the playground? Or maybe he'll just throw a fit upon drop-off like the rest of the kids. :)

I'm also praying for a good night sleep. Last night wasn't great. Perhaps I'm adjusting to the new bed? Or maybe it just feels strange to not have John there with me. I miss him. And not just in a co-parenting way. Our house is definitely less fun without him. Just a few more days!

Day Four... Solo

Tuesday
How can it be only 1pm? It feels like an entire day has gone by already. New mattress delivered at 7:15am. Both kids already up by then. Z started his new preschool. Drop off was fine. Pick up was a nightmare.

All of the other kids are full-day kids so they stay for lunch and the rest of the afternoon. Z was very upset that he wasn't staying for lunch. Massive, code-red, full blown tantrum. Z screams, yells, cries, runs off along the side of the school (which is by a major street). Spankings. The drag-by-the-arm routine. Somehow I manage to remain calm in a kind of out-of-body sort of way where I'm seeing this all happen from a fluffy cloud above. More spankings. The physically-restrain-while-forcing-into-car routine. Z screams the whole way home. A flying shoe hits my arm. I am silent. I am a strong, unperterbable fortress of self control.

I leave the car on in the driveway with Z still strapped in while I carry my things inside. I ask the babysitter to take Harper outside so I don't have to manage her while handling Z's tantrum. I unstrap the monster, I mean, Z and tell him to go inside to his room. He can come out when he is calm and we will talk. He doesn't want to get out of the car so I walk away leaving both doors open. Thankfully, he soon follows and comes inside. He goes to his room and slams the door a few times. I ignore it.

After a stroll outside with Harper and the babysitter, I come back inside. Z is calm. Hallelujah! We have a talk and I tell him his behavior is unacceptable. He is a completely different child than 15 minutes before. He says, "I'm sorry, Mama, for throwing a tantrum... at my new... preschool." I forgive him and give him a hug. We talk about how disappointed he was about not getting lunch. I think it was partly that he was hungry and he didn't get to eat what they were eating (which apparently looked really good to him) and partly that he was singled out, sitting on a bench while all the kids ate their lunches at the tables. Boy. Well, I know how to do things better next time: prepare him for the lunch thing, getting there right on time (I was 3 minutes late!) before lunch is served. Once again I hear that phrase I hate: "We've never had this happen..." They've seen lots of tantrums over getting dropped off for preschool but none involving a child not wanting to leave. Well, Z is certainly one in a million. And praise the Lord, he is a napping one in a million right now.

Day Three Flying Solo

Monday
Still going okay, but I've already calculated once how far into it we are. One-quarter through.

Had a good night and day at my Mom's. It was really nice to have the extra help and be in a different place. Adventureland was really fun. There was no wait for the rides and the rides are just right for pre-schoolers. This afternoon has been more challenging as Z has decided to test me at every turn. I'm hoping it's because he's tired (he stayed up late last night watching Toy Story 2) and that he'll go to bed easily tonight. One hour until bedtime. I can do it!

P.S. Confession: I'm having a celebratory orangina, tequila and citron drink. A little Mexico for me too!

Day Two Flying Solo

Sunday
Made pancakes this morning, took a shower, got myself and the kids ready and made it to church on time. Wow! Church was great and then we just finished lunch at home. Nap time/Quiet Play Time then we'll go to my Mom's this evening. We're going to have a slumber party and then go to Adventureland tomorrow.

A bunch of people at church told me what a great wife I am that I let John go on a seven day trip. Although I do think I'm giving him a gift, what people don't know is what a huge gift he's been for me this past year. It has not been easy and I imagine John must have wondered many times who this woman was he was living with because she was pretty different from the one he married. And recently John has been so supportive and encouraging. We just changed churches recently to have a church family closer to our home. And God is really using it to challenge us and wake us up from the post-baby busy life stupor. It is really making a big difference in John, who is praying more and reading his Bible more. It really is an Awakening. And our family has already been extremely blessed by it.

So, yeah, I'm a pretty awesome wife to allow John to have a dream surf-trip. But John's a pretty awesome husband for loving me at my worst and helping me get to my best.

7 Days Flying Solo

Saturday Morning. Day One of a week without John, who is on a surf trip in Mexico. (Yes, fully supported and not resented by me.)
Goals for the Week:
1. Have fun. Pancakes for dinner. Ice cream for breakfast. Whatever! We are going to have fun! Special day trips and beach fun planned. Don't just count down the moments until John gets home.
2. Pray every day. For myself, for John, for Z and for Harper. Praying Z has a "good" week of behavior. Praying I am strong and consistent no matter what kind of week Z has.

I have a plan for every day and some kind of help almost every day. I'm funding our babysitter's summer vacation. :)

Day One- Saturday:
> Babysitter at 9:30am. Breakfast with a friend. Home for naps and afternoon. Babysitter at 6:30pm. Dinner with a friend.

Here we go!

Saturday Night (10pm). Pretty good day, but very little of it was me at home by myself. Feeling okay. Off to bed!

Mess Making During Nap

The up side to no nap? House of total quiet at 9pm. The down side to no nap? Figuring out how to get through quiet play time without gigantic messes (one of which included diaper rash cream and a lot of crying on my part). I've tried a variety of tactics to motivate Z to keep his room clean, and so far there has been a little improvement, but I can't say it's not a problem at all anymore. Sometimes the mess is made in playing - Z likes to pile all his stuff together and then "plow" it across the room. Or sometimes the pile is a natural disaster or sometimes a beaver dam (see picture below). As long as he's not destroying anything I've been telling him he can make messes as long as he cleans them up. I've been telling him he can come out when he's done cleaning everything up.



At first I wasn't sure if it was realistic to expect him to clean up his room on his own. One day he pulled everything out of the dresser- clothes and diapers were everywhere. I told him he had to clean it up and left the room. After crying and praying and trying to calm down, I went back in. I honestly expected it not to be done and I was looking forward to it so I could discipline him. I admit my goal was really punishment, not discipline. I was just still mad that he had made the big mess. When I went in, I was shocked. The room was spotless! He had put everything back- even into the right drawers. Harper's pajamas with Harper's pajamas, Z's with Z's. Diapers in the center cabinet. It wasn't perfect but he did a really good job! Well. I couldn't discipline him after that! I told him I didn't want him to do that again (which he hasn't) and told him he did a good job cleaning up.

But then the cleaning up was taking a REALLY long time. He was in his room for another two hours after the first hour and a half "cleaning" up the mess. I realized that I didn't want him taking that long to clean up. What if we had to go somewhere? So, borrowing an idea from a new book I'm reading, Loving Our Kids On Purpose by Danny Silk (a book which may have just changed my life- I'll write more on it later), I tried a new tactic. I told Z that if he didn't want to clean up the mess he could pay me to do it.

We talked it through a lot and I gave him examples of how he could pay me. I would accept payment in the form of his toys. I listed the toys that were worth enough for my labor: garbage truck, dump truck, fire truck. No, not the stroller- that's Harper's. No, not Elmo (because he doesn't really play with him anymore). No, not books. Why? Because they are something all of us enjoy; they don't belong just to you. This negotiation gave me insight into what Z really valued so I know what the high cost items are.

The first time he told me he wanted to pay me to do it. I said it would cost the garbage truck. But if he wanted to help me clean it up, it wouldn't take me as long so it would cost less. If we cleaned up together it would cost him the dump truck. Deal. We shook hands on it and cleaned the mess together. No fussing or crying. No punishment. The next day I took dump truck with me when I went out by myself. As I was leaving with the truck, Z asked about it and I reminded him that he paid me with it yesterday. He said, "oh... bye dump truck!" With some help from a friend, I "sold" dump truck and showed Z the money in my pocket when I got home.

We've only just started this new approach, so I'm curious to see what effect it has. However, I already like what I see. After Z and I cleaned up the mess together, later in the day, Harper tried to pull books off the shelf. Z said, "No, Harper, I just cleaned that up!!" Does that sound familiar?

The End of the World: Dropping Naps

I thought it would be the end of the world when Z stopped taking his afternoon nap. Has anyone noticed the world ending? So it turns out life moves on and I've found ways to adapt.

For almost a year, Z hasn't been going right to sleep when we put him to bed. Thankfully we got through the phase where he wouldn't stay in his room or in his bed. So we put him to bed at 8:30pm and he would read and play in his bed until 9:30 or 9:45pm. I knew that the afternoon nap was contributing to it, but when he missed his afternoon nap he got SOO cranky by 6/7pm. I figured we were in a transition phase and decided to put him down for a nap and get one when I could, knowing he would be up making noise (and perhaps requiring some interaction) until 9 or 10pm. If you know me, then you know I also grabbed a nap at the same time, thus, my desire to keep Z's nap as long as I could.

I continued my wishful nap thinking for a good six months where he would miss a nap maybe once or twice a week. And I figured out that I could sleep even when Z doesn't. This involves ear plugs and my head between two pillows. Since the personal sacrifice (no nap for me) was no longer as much of an issue, I recently decided to let him decide whether he wanted to take a nap. I told him he had to stay in his room for quiet play time or to sleep. I think the novelty of not having to take a nap motivated him to stay in his room. There were a few times I had to tell him to go back, but he has been pretty good about staying in there. For the first week he played for a little while (maybe 30-40 minutes) and then put himself to sleep. We're in the third week now and he has not gone to sleep once this week. I have him stay in his room for an hour and half to two hours and I manage to catch a 30-45 minute nap. Z is doing better with more sleep at night and he isn't getting unbearably cranky in the evening. It just took some adjustment time to get over the crabby hump.

At the same time, Harper has pretty much dropped her morning nap. She'll be 16 months at the end of this week. Unlike with Z, I could hardly wait for her to drop the morning nap because it makes things easier. Without the nap, we can all go out and do things and we're not stuck at home so much. Also, she is sleeping longer in the afternoon, so that gives me more time to do my stuff or to hang out with just Z. She is so easy-going still that even when she is pretty tired, and could have taken a morning nap, she isn't overly cranky. Sometimes I try to get her down a little earlier than 1pm for her nap, but it's not critical. I'm looking forward to some fun things we can do this summer with the whole morning uninterrupted!

No nap for Z has brought on new challenges, which I'll save for another post. But I guess I'm glad we've gone through another milestone and I see yet again how we can all adjust and adapt. And it never is really as bad as I think it's going to be.