On Grief

The first year or so of being a Mom is definitely about transition and change. And it's not just about staying home more, eating out less, working at home instead of an office, etc. I have left behind the person I was. The first few months of this transformation were very difficult. I struggled with the constant demands and needs of a child and the fact that I was the main person who was responsible (sure, Dad can help, but Mom's the one with the full-time duty). I kept wanting to divide the work evenly (read: fairly) like we might with housework while we were both working full-time. Being a Mom just doesn't work like that.

In those first few months, I had a sense of grieving for the freedom and independence I once had. It was shocking and visceral, at first, and tears hovered on the surface almost all the time. Over time, I have become accustomed to my new role, and have started to appreciate the incredible blessings of being a Mom. Like the first time Baby Z looked at me like I was the only person in the world. And the way he reaches up to touch my face when he is breastfeeding. And the fact that when he is really upset, I am the one who is best able to comfort him. These are things Dad doesn't get, no matter how much he chips in and helps out.

However, as I'm learning is part of the process of grieving, there are times when the pain of loss hits you again. It comes often when you least expect it-- something reminds you of what you had, the way things were, the way things will never be again. It often comes when you do something you used to do, but it's just not the same, no matter how similar you make it.

For me, this loss hit me again when I went away with John for a night in celebration of our anniversary. We left Baby Z with Grandma, and went to a Bed & Breakfast where we spent one night of our honeymoon. I was so looking forward to not thinking about bottles or bed times. I could leave it all behind and have a great date night, just me and John, like before we had a baby.

The reality is that there is no going back. I am not the same person. I will never again be able to just be a woman or a wife. I am a mother.

It's hard to explain what this feels like. It wasn't that I was worried about Baby Z or I was so distracted by being away from him that I didn't have a good time. It felt good to have a break and to be away from the baby. It's just that I realized a part of me would always, forever, be tied to that other person. There no longer existed a world of just me, or just me and John.

Of course, it didn't help that I realized in the middle of the night that I had forgotten my pump. It seemed the perfect metaphor for the whole trip. I wanted very much to leave motherhood behind (thus leaving the pump at home), but physically (and emotionally) I realized I would never be able to do that, ever again. My boobs were there to remind me even if my brain didn't want to.

Just like grieving over the loss of a loved one, I start to remind myself to be thankful for what I did have before and the wonderful new blessings I have now. But it's okay to admit that I'm sad and I still feel the loss. It's okay to let myself mourn that loss. Then, once the tears are out and I've let myself feel what I need to feel, I'm ready again to focus on the blessings and joys of today.

Like this:

A Time of One's Own

Two Saturdays ago, I went surfing. It was the 2nd time I've gone since being 3 months pregnant, when I had to stop surfing by the doctor's orders. John and Baby Z went to swim lessons, and I had the entire morning, even most of the day, free to myself. I had everything ready for John to feed Baby Z at noon, so I really didn't need to be home until 4pm or so.

I packed up for the beach -- a task that I thought took some thinking before I had the baby, but now I realized was a piece of cake compared to the packing and prep required for going out with a baby. I hopped in our little 2-seater truck (no possible place for a baby seat) and took off with my surfboard hanging out the back and my cares and to-do lists draining out the back of my head.

A leisurely drive later, I was sitting on my board in the water, with the sun on my back, letting the roll of the waves soothe me better than any 60-minute massage. I stayed in for about an hour, taking my time, grabbing waves when I wanted, not stressed about getting "enough" in before I had to leave. I didn't have a time to leave by; I didn't even have a watch. I soaked in the freedom of having so much time to myself, knowing that Baby Z was fine with his Dad, and nobody needed me. I savored the preciousness of the time like a fine piece of Swiss chocolate in my mouth.

In the end, I was only gone about 2 hours, but it felt like a real vacation.

H. E. Double Wal-Mart

I have always hated going to big stores with crowded aisles and lots of people, no matter what the price discount might be. In the past, when I went to Costco, K-mart, Wal-mart, I left feeling like I had barely made it out alive, withdrawn into a stupor of overload, nurturing a little seed of hatred toward human kind.

However, since I'm staying at home now and we are on a tighter budget, I decided to give big discount stores the college try. I went to Costco by myself (with Baby Z) and made it through unscathed. I went to Wal-Mart twice and actually got in and out pretty quickly, and I really was amazed at the low prices. So, I realized that these places are great for buying things like diapers and formula, and they really aren't that bad if you can go during the day on a weekday.

UNTIL TODAY.

Here is what I just unloaded on the Wal-mart customer feedback web page:

"I was just beginning to think I could regularly shop at Wal-Mart.
Then, today, I had the worst shopping experience I have ever had. There were 3 checkout lanes open, with each one having 4-6 people in line. I waited in line for 15 minutes before the checkout lane I was in closed. No one informed me of this or directed me to another line or even apologized for the inconvenience. When I commented to a manager (standing right there next to me), she very carelessly stated there was nothing she could do and, again, did not apologize.
After moving to another line, the checker made a mistake with a coupon. Two managers stood near-by and did not hurry to help. They gave her very unclear directions and she had to re-do the order TWICE. Meanwhile, my baby had started screaming and the managers continue to show no concern or interest in the inconvenience to me.
I am appalled at such general lack of service and courtesy. I understand that sometimes stores are busy or they don't have enough people on staff. But, at a minimum, show that you CARE that this is difficult for the customer!! I am a very understanding person and I would have easily empathized with all of the workers if they had just stated they were sorry. Instead, I left feeling very angry and upset.
Although the prices at Wal-Mart are generally good, I will NOT shop there again. The headache and frustration are not worth the savings."

I feel better getting this out. For those of you who are brave enough to shop at the super-stores, I applaud you. You are made of stronger mettle than I.

Monday, July 30th - UPDATE
I got a call from the Wal-mart senior manager at that store!! Holy cow, they do actually read the comments from their web page. Stay tuned-- I'm supposed to call him back to give him more details so "they can improve the situation."

A Fair Day

Baby Z, my Mom and I went to the county Fair this past Friday. It was a lot of fun, although we were all pooped afterwards. Baby Z had a great time and especially enjoyed the plants. At one point he grabbed onto some alfalfa and wouldn't let go, blatantly disobeying the signs that said "Don't pick the produce." (What a rebel!) We walked around and pointed out the cows, sheep, pigs, making the appropriate noises for Baby Z. He didn't seem too impressed with the smelly animals. However, he didn't appear to have an allergy, which is good, since his Dad is VERY allergic to farm animals.

Although the Home Arts & Crafts building is my favorite, Baby Z was not too impressed. It was time to sleep and he was not enjoying the hanging patchwork quilts or collections of Betty Boop memorabilia. After a few laps around the building, he fell asleep. I was then able to really enjoy the table-settings (my favorite). At our county fair, the judges have an acerbic wit of which they are probably quite unaware. They judge the arrangement of the table, the use of themes, the coordination of the plates and glasses with the printed menu, the placement of silverware and so on. They must jot down some notes that then get printed on the cards awarding ribbons; they must know their words will be displayed, but perhaps they feel they must keep their impartial judge persona. Here are some of the comments this year:
"Silverware is not equal distance from edge of table on both sides."
"Good use of fair theme, but too many items on table. Table is hectic."
"No bread on menu to go with bread plate."
"Table is very happy."
"Wine glass should be to the right of the water glass."

and the best this year:
"I did not find anything wrong."
Really, this is glowing praise from the austere and strict table-setting gods, er, judges! I love it!

Baby Proving Nothing

I feel I must give an account of my baby proofing efforts. Have you ever experienced the Chore Daisy Chain Effect? You know, when you start working on one project and one of the steps in that project leads to a tangential project and then before you know it you're cleaning all the door frames in the house rather than moving the cleaning supplies out from under the sink like you should have? Since starting on the baby proofing project, I have rolled $180 worth of coins, researched selling CDs, dusted for cobwebs, cleaned the door jams and frames in the house (very gratifying, actually), and figured out the difference between a blind cord cleat and cord loop tie down (we had the wrong kind). Really, all of these had something to do with making the house safe for Baby Z. But I admit I did get a little off track.

The baby proofing is going to have to wait until next week because we have plans today and I never accomplish anything on the weekend. I'll wait until our new cord loop tie downs arrive. Yippee. A package!

Summer is for Reading

When I was young, my Mom would take my brother and I to the library every other week during the summer. I LOVED going and browsing through the aisles and aisles of books. I would check out 15 at a time and my Mom would write down how many because I inevitably lost one under my bed every time. So, for me, reading is just as much a part of summer as playing in sprinklers, eating outdoors and strawberry shortcake.

Recently, I started going to our neighborhood library. It is a 15 minute walk away and it's a nice trip to take with Baby Z. I just finished reading Jane Austen's Persuasion. If Jane Austen were published today, her books would have a hot pink cover and a close up of a pair of high heeled boots and a man's shadow in the background. Seriously, Jane Austen is some serious chick lit. You know this already if you have read Sense and Sensibility, or seen the movie version (with Emma Thomson and Kate Winslet), and the scene where the maiden with a twisted ankle (oh no!) in the rain (she'll catch her death!) is saved by the handsome stranger on the horse.

Now, lest you think I am mocking the illustrious Jane Austen, let me tell you that I highly recommend any Jane Austen book. You get all the romance and suspense of a hot pink girlie book, but you look really smart while doing it! You may even get away with asking your husband to change the baby's diaper because you're almost at the end of your literary novel (didn't work with mine, but hey, it might with yours!).

So go to your neighborhood library and pick up some good, juicy 19th-century British literature.

Baby Proving

Since Baby Z seems to be on the verge of crawling very soon, I've decided to deem this week Child Safety Week. I see now how all the Expecting Parents books tell you to baby proof before the baby comes. The responsibility and excitement that hits you while waiting for the baby is probably enough to make you perform such a tedious task. I have been putting off the child proofing since my first coherent thought of it after Baby Z was born (probably when he was 8 weeks or so). Maybe it's because it seems so all-encompassing and overwhelming. Maybe it's because it will most likely involve a screwdriver. Or maybe it's because plastic locks on cabinet handles and such are really not aesthetically appealing.

Anyway, the time has come. I have no social engagements this week and the other special projects are more tedious than baby-proofing (disaster preparedness- yawn). This will be a good opportunity to think about how I want to teach Baby Z in his ever-expanding world. TV Remote? Fireplace? Cords behind the TV? A good friend gave me the advice to pick 2 or 3 things I want to vigorously and consistently enforce. Then, focus on those things in the beginning (of course, preventing any danger with other things) to teach Baby Z the concept that he is not allowed to touch everything. This seems like wise advice to me. It is much more doable for both me and Baby Z and helps me to think about the real priorities for setting limits.

The current candidates for off-limits areas for Baby Z are the fireplace and perhaps the entertainment center (er, more like a TV stand). Then there's the kitchen. Hmm... gotta think that through. In the meantime, I know I need to move all the cleaning products and anything chemical out from under there. I'll put a lock on it also, but I'm not counting on a tiny piece of plastic to keep Baby Z away from anything truly life threatening. And the bathroom-- a lock on the toilet, really? I have heard they don't work that well anyway. Maybe I'll just keep the door shut? The idea of Baby Z crawling around in there makes me rethink how often I clean. Oogie. But I guess I'll get over that, right?

Well, are there any moms out there who want to tell me what worked for them? I'm off to find the screwdriver. Boo.

Genius of Baby Einstein

I think I've mentioned before how much Baby Z enjoys playing in "the Office," our Baby Einstein activity center. I love that it keeps him occupied and allows him to use his legs to stand and bounce a little.

Now, I've found a new reason to love Baby Einstein. Twice now, Baby Z has gotten a little too eager playing and given himself the Baby Heimlich, projecting a gooey concoction of sweet potato and oatmeal all over the Office. But the genius activity center has a little tray of easily cleaned plastic where the majority of the goo pooled. The first time, I cleaned that up pretty quickly with minor spreading to the toys or Baby Z. But the second time, the goo runneth over and I discovered the highly engineered drain holes at the seat of the activity center through which the goo drained and pooled in the floor saucer.

I think Baby Z really enjoyed this new tactile learning experience in the Office:


Don't worry! Baby Z didn't slip and slide too much, because the handy grippy zig-zags gave him the traction he needed. They also made the cleanup more exciting for me as I got to play trace the barf in fun zig-zaggy patterns. Thrilling learning for baby and Mommy!

Walking Among the Trees

Baby Z and I started a Infant Nature Explorers class yesterday. It's four weeks of walking around outside (with Baby Z in a carrier), looking at nature and singing songs about nature. Since Baby Z loves going for walks, I thought he would probably enjoy it. And I knew that I could use the push to get out and do something fun and maybe meet some other moms.

Our first class was a lot of fun. Baby Z smiled the entire time (so I was told, since I can't see his face while he's in the carrier). He actually giggled and laughed too. So, I'm excited to go back for the next few weeks and have fun with my little dude.

I was thinking about this class and other classes we've taken so far. I'm struck by how much of the class is just the stuff you would do with your child if you're out having fun exploring the world together. If you know "If You're Happy and You Know It," it will take you a long way towards learning something with a bit of song. It makes me feel good that every day I'm doing the types of things you could pay for a class to learn. So, I'm glad we've taken these classes and I don't mind the money we've spent on them (they are very inexpensive through the city's parks and recreation). But I admit that we pay for the class more to give us something to do around other kids and mothers. Maybe my next class should be "How To Meet Other Moms."
:)

Balance Beam or Tight Rope?

As with so many things in life, being a Mom is all about balance. Everything from breastfeeding to vaccinations is a balancing act between benefits and disadvantages. I've had an ongoing struggle with balance between going out and doing things with Baby Z and getting him solid nap time. There have been times I declined to do something because I was worried it would be too hard on Baby Z. Then, there have been times I pushed too hard to go out or stay out and Baby Z had a pretty tough time because of it.

Usually, if the outing affects only one nap time, then Baby Z handles it fine. He catches up some rest during the other nap and seems no worse for wear. Unfortunately, Sundays are one of the hardest days because almost always both of his naps are affected. So, we have been trying different scenarios with Baby Z on Sundays. I have tried over and over to get him to take his morning nap at church, with mostly no success (he did it twice!). The hard thing is that he really needs to cry for a good 10-15 minutes before he'll sleep, and at church, there really isn't a good place to let him do this. That is, there is no place where he can do it where I don't feel self-conscious and awkward. I know, I know, I should feel comfortable that no one is going to judge me at church of all places, and I should toughen up and not worry about what others think of me. However, me developing a thicker skin will be a life-long pursuit, not a near-term strategy for dealing with Baby Z on Sundays.

Since Baby Z's Sunday morning naps are usually spotty at best, I'm always faced with a dilemma on Sunday afternoons when John (and I) want to go do something fun and enjoy our afternoon. But then I'm always thinking how Baby Z will have another terrible nap and how is that going to affect Baby Z that evening and even for a few days after. It seems a good approach to assume the worst case scenario with how it will affect Baby Z and see if I want to do that activity bad enough to deal with the repercussions. Where I get into trouble is when I go to magic "what if" land where Baby Z miraculously shows no impact from a hectic schedule. I think about the few times he did nap when... rather than the majority of the time when he didn't. Then, when the repercussions hit, I'm upset at the situation and at the change in expectations.

This is part of learning in this new phase of my life. I remember struggling with balance in other phases, also, such as school (studying, friends, church). As Baby Z grows, I imagine he'll be a little more resilient, no matter what balance of choices we make. And perhaps I will too.

ABCs of XLS

As a follow up to XLS, My Baby Z, I thought I would post some of the spreadsheets I've created since starting on the Mommy adventure. You may refrain from comments about my geekiness-- I already know. :)

• Pregnancy Diet - to help keep track of eating the right things while pregnant. I have to admit I created this in a fit of neuroticism--when I was overwhelmed by the thought that I was solely responsible for the well-being of this new little person. I actually didn't end of up using it, but it might be helpful to someone out there.
  
• Feeding Chart-Newborn - I used this to keep track of the in's (breastfeeding) and out's (pees and poops) of Baby Z's early weeks. At a time when I literally couldn't remember what time it was for longer than 10 seconds, this was the only thing that kept me from going insane. It also helped me keep track of things like spit up and gas. A psychologist would just tell me it was about trying to control minutia because I had so lost control of everything else. Hey- whatever works! It did help the lactation consultant diagnose that I had over-productive let down (mostly in one breast). Note: the Left/Right column was for keeping track of which side I fed Baby Z on, because in the beginning I only fed him on one side per feeding.
  
• Feeding Chart-After 8 weeks - Same as the Newborn feeding chart but condensed to fit more on one page with less room for things that aren't as important after a while.

I have a whole notebook of feeding charts for the first 3 months or so of Baby Z's life. Perhaps I should preserve them for an anthropologist one day who will write a thesis on the survival strategies of neurotic new mothers.

Note To Self

I've been meaning to write some words of encouragement for myself for the difficult times. I'm going to give these words to my husband so he knows what to say when I'm frustrated and upset.

> I know it's frustrating. It's hard to (fill in the situation).
> You are doing a really great job. Baby Z is healthy and growing.
> Remember all the things you've made it through already- going to sleep without crying when you put him down to sleep, sleeping through the night, giving up the pacifier.
> All those past things you worked through, your instinct was right -- you stuck with your decision (even when doubt started to creep in) to try something and it worked.
> You've seen over and over again how you and Baby Z worked through an issue and things got better. But it's never easy- this is just another thing you're working through.
> I know it feels like this stage is going to last forever- but it really won't. Usually when things get really hard and you hit a bottom, it turns around right after that.
> Remember how it feels to finally make a breakthrough and Baby Z is better off for it -- more content, eating better, less tired, easier to manage.
> You can do it! I am so proud of you!

Strategies for Crying It Out

Some hopefully helpful strategies for getting through "Crying It Out."

Before embarking on this challenging journey, make sure you are really committed. Are you convinced that this is the best or only method for achieving the result you desire? For me, this usually meant that I had tried other options such as picking up Baby Z and trying to comfort and soothe before putting him back down. This might work once or twice, but usually (for me) it would either stop working or I would realize that I couldn't continue down that path for x number of months. There usually comes a breaking point for me where I am so tired of the situation that I'm willing to really throw down to get through it (e.g., Pacifier Addiction).

Next, determine the action you will take before you are in the situation (such as a 3am wake-up cry). Give yourself time to think it through clearly- what will you do, when will you do it, what will you do if.

• For the 45-minute intruder when Baby Z was 3-4 months old, at first I decided I would let him cry 15 minutes without doing anything. I would listen for any break in the crying. If he stopped crying for a few minutes at a time, or I heard him making the noises of him comforting himself (mmm, sucking on fist, etc.), then I would set the timer in my head to another 15 minutes. I might set an ultimate time limit of within 15 minutes of the next feeding time. If he was still crying at that point, then I would get him up.
  
• For the 45-minute intruder when Baby Z was 6 months old, I realized that I needed to wait it out until he got back to sleep. At this point, his internal clock was set and eating every x hours was not a concern. Assuming I got him his 3 meals and the bedtime feeding, then I didn't need to worry about it being exactly 4 hours apart or anything like that. So, I determined (with help from my BWG) I would let him cry until he fell back asleep (See Mile 13 Wall).

Now, do something to keep yourself distracted. Hop in the shower, go outside and pick weeds, wash dishes with your headphones on. Ideally, you're somewhere you can still hear the baby, but not so close you feel every shake of his tiny little tonsils. If you're just sitting there watching the clock and thinking about the crying, you're very likely to crack. Also, if you go in and peek at him/her, you're also likely to crack. So limit how many times you do that and know what you are hoping to accomplish before you creak open that door (e.g., reassurance he's not stuck in a crib slat).

If you crack (or when, because we all have at one point or another), don't beat yourself up. Focus on the bright side, that you tried something new and you're learning. You may decide on a different strategy that will work great for you. Or, you may realize that the strategy was good, but you weren't quite ready for it yet. I often had to give in on an approach and see the results before I knew what I really had to do and had the resolve to do it. So, remember, every day you learn something new.

Don't forget you are doing what you believe is best for your baby. If you're not sure of that, see first paragraph above. Remember that the immediate difficulty has a long-term purpose. For example, letting baby cry it through the 45-minute intruder will help him learn how to fall back asleep by himself. It will give him greater independence (and you too!) and better, longer naps that help him grow and be more content. Also, don't forget that babies cry. That is one of their main occupations. If you know the baby is fed, has a clean diaper, doesn't have gas or an arm stuck in a crib slat, then let him be. Let him work it out and learn to sleep on his own.

Finally, don't let others decide what is right for you. If you think all of the above is a pile of crap, so be it! Every Mom has to make their own decisions about what they think is best. If you're doing something just because you read it in a book (or on a blog) and you're not really convinced it is right or good- then don't do it!

I hope that helps someone out there. I plan on reading it next time I hit a crying streak.
(Aside: Baby Z is doing much better with his 45-minute intruders now. He usually cries just about 5-10 minutes or so and then goes back to sleep. There are still the times (maybe once a week) where he cries 30-45 minutes, but that certainly beats it happening every day. And the good part is that he is so much happier in the evening before bedtime. There is such a huge difference when he gets more than that 45 minute nap.)