Potty Lifestyle Change

I've realized that it's not really about Potty School but a Potty Change in Lifestyle. Sure, the potty school kicked things off, but the day-to-day is the real test. After my last post, when Z had a good morning, the rest of the day was nothing but accidents. I continued to prompt and prod in the indirect ways the book states and Z continued to perfect the art of distraction until a panicked "I have to potty" announced already wet pants. For these accidents John got to share the load of the "Positive Practice," which amounts to dragging Z, crying and screaming, from various points in the house to the toilet and moving his hands to pull his pants down and up. Needless to say, this is not fun for anyone.

At the end of the day, with the prospect of church and a trip to John's parents' house the next day, John and I had a very tough heart to heart. I was emotionally drained from the day; I felt defeated and disappointed. I talked John out of throwing out the entire approach and we decided to just slow things down a little. We decided to skip church to work on the training at home in the morning and then go to his parents for lunch. Since we would have to drive in the car, we told him to go potty before we left and again when we got there. He had no problem going either time. It was nice to be with family, who all made a big deal about Z going in the potty. He was really excited and proud of himself.

The rest of the day we would just prompt him to go when it seemed about time. He told me he had to go before and after his nap, so that was encouraging that he was starting to feel it before it was too late. That night, when we got home, I gave him his diploma and told him he graduated from Potty School. He was pretty excited. Overall, we are all feeling more relaxed about it. I have adjusted my expectations to let him gradually work on his independence. He has already learned a ton- pulling his pants up and down, going in the potty, wiping the seat, flushing, washing his hands after. It is a lot to learn. I'm going to be mindful of allowing him to do as much as possible on his own and I think he will pretty naturally start to do the whole thing on his own. My fear that I will be telling him to go to the potty a year from now is really unrealistic. He is very independent and as soon as he gets it, I'm sure he'll want to do it

Once again, when teaching my child, I really learned more about myself than anything else. I have to be realistic and optimistic about what Z can do. I need to let go of my predetermined goals and work at Z's pace. I need to look at learning as a process, not a job to just get done. And, (oh, when will I really learn?) I will not allow a book to dictate what I call success for my child.

Potty School - Day 2

Yesterday was the longest day of my life composed of all my pet peeves as a Mom: trapped in the house all day (in 97-degree weather), confined to a small area, limited toys to play with, continual snack fixing and cleanup, lots of pee-pee and poo poo cleanup. Oh, and Z hopped up on sugary drinks and treats, bored and, at times, frustrated. Wow. Rough Day.

After a few good potties in the toilet early on, I jumped right to the last stage of training, where you no longer prompt the child to go to the potty. You simply continue to check their pants to see if they are dry every 15 minutes. Except I again jumped the gun and went to inspections every 45 minutes to an hour (the very last last step). Yeah, I guess I should have read the book (again) a little more closely. So after the initial success in the morning, the rest of the day was nothing but accidents. And our very first accident was a soft, smeary poo poo. Oh man. What a day.

That evening, after John got home, I had to run out on a quick errand (that couldn't be delayed). The entire time I'm re-thinking the strategy, thinking through what I wanted to change for day two, bummed at the apparent lack of success. Then, when I got home, I got the news that Z had gone to the toilet by himself and even for a number two! Holy cow. I thought all along that poos were going to be the last thing Z would get. When we tried earlier in the day, he fought me to even sit on the toilet (he goes pee standing up). I felt like crying with the relief and joy of it. Thankfully, John took a picture:



We put Z to bed with a pull-up and I thought through how we would continue day 2 of Potty School. I decided to make some changes. So this morning we started with the question prompt: "Z, do you need to use the potty?" and I kept up with the dry pants inspection every 15 minutes. I also decided he would only get sugary treats when he went potty in the toilet. I would give him salty snacks and drinks at the dry pants inspection to encourage more potty-ing. I also pulled out the big gun:
George. Why didn't I think of that yesterday? I told Z this morning that he would get to watch George as a reward when he went potty in the toilet. Bing! The lightbulb went on inside little Z's head!

He went potty the first time this morning after a pants inspection when I was telling him what he would get if he went potty in the toilet (candy and George). I then moved to just the dry pants question rather than any prompting. He went potty the second time by himself when I was checking his pants and I reminded him what he would get when he went potty in the toilet (candy and George). Now, for the next potty, he is going to get just the candy. I'll probably stick to candy the rest of today, with dry pants inspections less and less frequently. Then, tomorrow, I'll switch to dry pants inspections at set times of day (get up, before snacks, before we leave the house, before nap, etc.). I'll keep the candy as a motivator for more challenging circumstances like being at the store or outside perhaps. Then, that will phase out too.

Holy cow! What a difference from yesterday afternoon. I know there will be more accidents, and we still have to work on all of the steps (like leaving his underwear at his ankles rather than stepping out of them because then he needs my help to get them back on). But I'm so HUGELY encouraged that we are making progress!

Potty School

It's been a year in the making...
Z is going to potty school tomorrow. No, this isn't a high-priced preschool for the toilet-challenged. It is a special day with just me and Z to focus on going potty in the potty. I've been working on the concepts of potty training for a while-- you know, a book here, comments there (Look at Papa go potty in the toilet!). But tomorrow is the day.

I'm using a book called "Toilet Training in Less Than a Day". The idea is that you spend an entire morning (or longer if needed) doing repeated practicing. You feed your child lots of treats and drinks to give them lots of opportunities to practice. It emphasizes building independence in the child so that the parent does not have to prompt the child to go potty. It's starts with a lot of hand holding and then, by the end of the training, they are initiating and doing it all themselves.

I decided to call it Potty School and I've been hyping it up to Z for a couple of weeks. He went with me to the store to pick out big boy underwear (he picked tighty-whitey's, I kid you not) and special snacks and treats. Harper will be with my Mom all day so that Z and I can focus entirely on potty training. I have a chart for checking for dry pants with glittery stars for each time he's dry. I even found a diploma and have told him when he learns everything he needs to learn he'll be graduating.

I'm really excited for this next big step for Z. He's getting so big!

Respite

The rest of the week sans pacifier has gone pretty well. Thursday and Friday we were back to a busy schedule with more interrupted naps and such. Harper did really well with only one more really tough crying session. And she continues to do better in the morning waking up close to 7am. I am so thankful!!!

Now, taking a break from milestones and crying it out...

I am feeling better lately, which is such a relief after a few really hard weeks. I just re-read some of my blog entries from when Z was about 6 months and it reminded me how I didn't feel completely normal then either. I sort of forgot how much hormones and breastfeeding and being a Mom of an infant can really affect me physically and emotionally. Of course, the recent sleep interruptions from Z waking up in the middle of the night didn't help either. After a few big breakdowns when I finally told John how I was feeling, I felt much better. Amazing how just talking about it helps.

One of the results of those conversations with John was that I've been taking more time for myself lately. Since I've preached that gospel in the past, I'm surprised I've forgotten it, but here I am again. So I've been trying to get out without kids more often and schedule more time with friends. It has really helped. Harper is so easy-going that I convinced myself that time with just her was a break (as opposed to having both kids), but it's not the same. This is also true with date time with John; we thought if we go out with Harper it was like a date, but it's not. We really need time just the two of us. So we need to schedule that more often also.

John surprised me with a You-Survived-6-months present: a massage and day at the spa! This was a gift before I had breakdowns, but it is certainly timely. I'm going this Tuesday and John is taking the day off to watch the kids. I'm really excited. I'm hoping to take some time to reflect and give thanks. Six months is an accomplishment and there is so much to be thankful for.

Phase 2: No More Pacifier or Swaddle - Day 2 & 3

Now that I have enough data points... Here is how the Crying It Out looks for Phase 2: No More Pacifier or Swaddle:



You can see the overall crying has gone down and the amount of heavy crying has gone down. Note also that the very first nap was the hardest crying session by far. Thank goodness I didn't give up! Harper is definitely learning how to soothe herself and put herself to sleep. Even at the end of the nap she is waking up and kind of playing rather than crying.

It's funny how I had all kinds of expectations about going through this and there have been a lot of surprises. For one thing, I was expecting the sleep to be hardest at the start of a nap and, instead, it has been harder at the 45-minute intruder point. Also, I didn't think Harper's cries would be that bad and she proved me wrong. When she has cried the "heavy crying," it was enough to make me doubt everything. I'm thankful she has had enough meltdowns previously that I recognized the crying and knew that it wasn't a matter of physical pain or something like that. Her meltdowns in the past have been when she was tired and there was a "stranger" (you know, anyone except Mom) situation to throw her over the edge. Anyway, if she had been 100% angel baby (the kind that doesn't exist, i.e., never cries), this crying would have been very alarming.

So it has gotten better and I think we're almost through it. I can already see improvements in her sleeping since she has not woken up early two days in a row. That's a HUGE victory! (By the way, Z has also slept straight through two nights in a row and I'm starting to feel like a normal person.) I am so encouraged to see progress and growth.

Phase 2: No More Pacifier or Swaddle - Day 1

Some survival rules for this week:
> Keep busy during crying (Incidentally, this is much easier to do with two kids.)
> Get out of the house and have a little fun when both kids are awake (Today we went to the park and had a picnic lunch.)
> Use Curious George (on TV) when I need it
> Don't worry about making dinner every night, or other household chores that can wait
> Keep nap times consistent and give her the opportunity for a good nap, meaning I'm not going to expect her to fall asleep in the grocery cart and then transfer easily to bed. I'm trying to set her (and me) up for the most likelihood of success.

Today's results:
Overall, starting out was tough, but it got a little easier. Every nap that passes I just keep thinking I'm one step closer. Here are the details. For those who prefer the big picture, you can wait for the summary in a few days complete with metrics on Harper's progress. :)

1st nap: 6 minutes of crying and then some small whimpers. She busted right out of the blanket and when John peeked at her he said she seemed to be enjoying the freedom. Then we hit the 45-minute intruder. Harper cried a little from 9:30-9:45am and then she cried A LOT from 9:45-1035am. I went outside with Z and we vacuumed out the inside of my car. And it was still really, really hard. This was the kind of crying where she reaches the end of her register. Somewhere around 10:15 or so, I caved a little and went in and reswaddled her. Not sure if that helped or not.... Total crying: 1 hour, 5 minutes

2nd nap: A good start again. Harper went to sleep after 20 minutes of intermittent minor crying and fussing. But, oh boy, that *&^%*& 45-minute intruder. She woke up at 2:30pm and cried a little off and on until 2:37pm and then the crying got more frantic. About ten minutes of that and then the crying got worse: full register, not stopping much. But that lasted only 4 minutes or so. Total crying: 25 minutes

With 1st and 2nd nap, once she fell asleep again after the 45-minute intruder, I let her sleep past her normal time so she could get 45 minutes of sleep. Harper's second nap is during Z's nap, so I was afraid he would wake up early, but he didn't! Yeah!

3rd nap: Maybe ten minutes of minor crying and then she slept. No 45-minute intruder, praise the Lord.
Down for the night: Fussing on and off for 20 minutes or so.

Phase 2: No More Pacifier or Swaddle

It's been two weeks since I initiated Phase 1 (Stop Early Wake-Up) in my plan for getting the kids in one bedroom. Overall, things are much better and Harper isn't waking up (most days) at 5:30am. She is still waking up around 6:30am, so I have to keep working on that.

I've decided it's time to proceed to Phase 2: No More Pacifier or Swaddle. I've noticed more mid-nap wake-ups recently and I can see we're heading down the path of pacifier sleep disruption. I just re-read my posts from 2007 when I went through the same thing with Z and it helped strengthen my resolve. It also reminded me of how Z's cries were so much worse than Harper's are. It's never easy to hear your baby cry, but Z could have made a Nazi grimace. Seriously, I mean, someone called the cops on him, all right? I rest my case.

Anyway, I've been debating whether to go gradually with Harper or just cut it all out cold turkey. As for the pacifier, I'm going to stop cold turkey. It really is like an addiction where if I let myself use it even a little (just one drink), I can't stop there. However, for the swaddle, I've already started phasing it out by wrapping her more loosely and then using a stretchier blanket for an even easier swaddle. There have been a handful of naps where she got one or two arms out and did fine. So, starting tomorrow morning, I'm going to wrap her hands up by her chin as usual, but not tuck in the blanket around her torso. I'll see how that goes for a day, I think. If the pacifier withdrawal is really bad, I may step back to the very loose swaddle. I'm more concerned about getting rid of the pacifier than the swaddle for now. We'll see how it goes. Stay tuned. For the geeks out there, there is a high probability of charts being posted. (ooh....charts...)

Harper Joy - 6 months

Harper is six months old! I can't believe it. I feel like these six months went a lot faster than the first six with Z. Perhaps having two kids will do that- make time go even quicker (although every day between 4 and 8pm I think they slow time down. hmm.).

Since all I've been doing is talking about Harper's early wake-up problem, this is a good time to revel in the delight of my little girl. She has continued to amaze me with her good-natured mellowness. She is still so easy to please: a small whine says she wants a change in scenery, a small cry means she wants to go to sleep. She's a great eater and hardly ever spits up (which after Z is a HUGE blessing for me). She sleeps really well (except for early morning problem, but we all know that, right?) and through almost anything (read: Z's tantrums).

Harper is super resilient and even when she misses a big chunk of her nap she still holds up pretty well. Besides five major meltdowns (the signs for which I have now narrowed down so I can avoid them in the future) she doesn't cry a lot. She has been flipped over twice in her infant seat and I found her hanging upside down with just her head on the floor and she barely cried. She is going to be tough with big brother Z around. :)

She loves to put her fingers in her mouth, especially backwards (holding her hand palm away from her and bending her fingers back into her mouth!). She laughs for her brother and her Obaachan (John's Mom) more than anyone. When she is lying in bed before going to sleep she'll kick her heels down into the bed or prop them up on the side of the bassinet. She likes to have her legs up a lot and wiggles around until she finds a spot to prop them up. She just got her depth perception and likes to look at her hands like she just discovered them again and they are blowing her mind.

We love you so much, Harper Joy.

Phase 1: Stop Early Wake-Up- Report 5

Oh boy, are you as sick of this as I am? This is going to be my last report on Phase 1.

Day 9: Harper woke up at 5:20am, cried until 6:45am and then fell asleep. I let her sleep until 7:30am and then got her up. Despite the very long session of crying off and on, I felt encouraged that she did fall asleep again. I think that shows progress that she was able to soothe herself back to a solid sleep.
Day 10: Harper woke up at 6:45am and cried pretty good. I held out for 7 minutes or so and then fed her. (Funny how I can go over an hour one day and then not make it even ten minutes another day. I think it was because she was SO close.)

As with a lot of things with kids and their development and training, there is a lot of two steps forward and one step back. I think we're making progress, but I don't think it's going to just be done. We'll probably struggle with this for a while longer and then I'll realize one day that I can't remember the last time she woke up early. I'm going to wait a few more days and then start with Phase 2. I'll be posting on a few other topics in the meantime to lighten things up a bit.

Phase 1: Stop Early Wake-Up- Report 4

Day 7: A breakthrough? Harper didn't wake up until 6:30am and cried off and on until 7am. I got in the shower so that helped the time go by quickly.
Day 8: Another pretty good morning. She didn't wake up until 6:20am. She only made a little bit of noise until 6:45am and then she really started going. I got up and fed her at 7am and saw that she had pulled down the sheet I cover the bassinet with.

Besides this early morning training, I think Harper did just hit a growth spurt. There were a few days where it seemed she just didn't want to stop eating even when the milk was gone. And then on Sunday morning it was like, pop, her cheeks just got chubbier. I kid you not. Crazy how that happens. I think it's pretty much over now, so maybe we'll make it to our 7am start time soon.

Phase 1: Stop Early Wake-Up - Report 3

Day 5: Back to 5:30am wake-up. Bummer. Off and on crying until 6am, quiet for 15 minutes then awake again with more persistent crying. Got up and fed her at that point.
Day 6: 5:40am wake-up. Playing and light crying until 6am. Off and on crying until 6:45am. Small coos and talking until 7am.

This morning I used my iPod and listened to hymns with the pillow over my head. It was at least more relaxing if not restful (as in sleeping). Z woke up this morning when Harper was crying and said, "Mama, help Harper!" I put him back in bed and reassured him that everything was okay. I'm thankful this is the first time he has woken up with her crying. One good thing about this morning (Day 6) is that I can see how her crying off and on really shows that she is fine. She is not starving; she just wants to get up because she is used to waking up then. By 7am, when she was practically playing in her bed, I felt even better about sticking it out. When I finally got her up she was all smiles and charm. She is fine. Fine. Fine.

I have renewed my commitment to stick with it. I talked to my Baby Wise Guru (BWG) and she confirmed my decisions, including adding a feeding at night. She said five feedings is a good spot to stay on at this age if I want to continue breastfeeding. Switching to four hours and starting solids both can diminish milk supply. I remember that happening a little with Z, so I'll keep the five feedings and stay watchful to make sure the well doesn't run dry (so to speak). She also thought that 9-10 hours was a reasonable stretch at night for an exclusively breastfed baby. BabyWise kind of talks about that but isn't that clear, so I appreciated that feedback from an experienced mom. Once I start her on solids I can probably expect her to go a little longer.

Another suggestion BWG gave me was to really relax the swaddle so that Harper can get her hands to her mouth. I had been waiting on getting rid of the swaddle, but thought that she would be able to get her hands in the blanket to her mouth anyway. The first 3-4 days of Crying It Out, I swaddled her in a way that the more she pulled the blanket actually tightened so that she couldn't get her hands up. Last night I did only use one blanket and she could easily get her hands to her mouth. I think that helped her sooth herself which is why there was more talking and cooing than crying this morning.

Also, BWG brought up a good point that I shouldn't feed her at 6:30am unless I want that to be the wake-up time. I agree. If I'm going to go through this then I want to get to my true goal at the end of it. BWG said this is one of the hardest habits to break- the early morning wake-up - but that it would be worth it. The wake-up time has a way of getting engrained in the child so they continue with it even through the toddler years. Having started Z at 8am and seeing how now it's drifted to 7/7:30am, I'm all the more resolved to keep Harper to 7am. Something about waking up in the 6 am hour is really hard for me psychologically. (I could never be a teacher!)

I am pleased that we've made it this far without the pacifier in the morning. I can sense the end coming near. Just praying God will renew my strength. I'm a person who needs eight hours of sleep. Getting six or seven hours with a few Z interruptions at night is really draining me.

22 Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
24 I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him."

Lamentations 3:22-24

Phase 1: Stop Early Wake-Up - Report 2

Day 4: Harper didn't wake up until 6am! That's a good improvement. She kind of played and talked to herself for 15 minutes (also a good improvement) and then started to cry off and on. Her crying got loud and persistent at 6:25am, so I waited five more minutes and then got up and fed her. I didn't wait as long as the other days because I was just happy to see some improvement. I think my goal for now will be to get her to at least 6:30am consistently. Then I can slowly work on moving that to 7am. 6:30am is a heck of a lot better than 5am.

I'm just encouraged that there was some change. I didn't feed her until kind of late last night (around 10:30am), so that makes me wonder again if it's just hunger. Then I start to wonder if we're in a growth spurt. She is just about to hit the 6-month mark. I'm going to stick with it for now and see how we're doing in a week.

On another encouraging note, Z has slept through the night without waking up twice in a row. I made a really big deal of what a good job he did and gave him a Curious George sticker (his special reward for very good behavior). I've been emphasizing how important sleep is and that it makes him grow big and strong. (I also tell him that it makes Mama very happy.) I'm extremely thankful for this glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.

O satisfy us in the morning with Your lovingkindness,
That we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.
Psalm 90:14

Phase 1: Stop Early Wake-Up - Report

Boy, this is a rough one.
Day 1: Harper cried an hour and 5 minutes
Day 2: She woke up even earlier than the day before and cried for an hour and ten minutes and then I decided to feed her.
Day 3 (this morning): She woke up at 5:22am and cried for about 52 minutes and then was quiet for 15 minutes and then awake again. I fed her at that point which was around 6:30am.

Last night, I even gave her an extra feeding at 9:30pm because her feeding before that was at 6:45pm. Since she's waking up early, it's hard to get her back to the 7pm feeding. She goes 4 hours between each feeding, but I can't push her much past 7pm. I was letting her go longer when she would so that her last feeding of the night would be as late as possible. I have now decided to stick to four hours and then add one more feeding around 9pm or so to help with the early mornings. This makes it less stressful during the day since I don't have to push her longer at each feeding. I was feeling like the early wake-ups were just perpetuating the early wake-ups.

It felt a little like a step backward to feed her the dream feed again, but I know it's the right thing to do for now. I remember now that Z was almost 7 months when I dropped the dream feed with him but he had already been doing the 4 hour schedule. He was also already eating solids by that point. I did it in a different order for Harper, dropping the dream feed and then switching to four hours. This is the first time she has had the four hour schedule and the dream feed, so we'll see how it goes.

This whole thing reminds me how important it is to really listen to your baby and not get too caught up in "the right" way to do things. Giving her the extra feeding will set her up for success with the early morning wake-up. So, I'll keep plugging away with the crying in the morning. It will be worth it. It will be worth it.

P.S. As a relevant side-note, lest you imagine I'm handling this all with confidence and courage, I've cried every day this week. Lots. I'm really missing the sleep and feeling overwhelmed (not just with this but with other stuff too). Just want to keep the honesty in Routine Honesty. Being a Mom is hard (understatement of the year).

Working Toward One Bedroom

Harper is a couple inches away from outgrowing the bassinet. So, I have a few more weeks to work on some things before I put her in the same room with Z. I figure it's better to do some Crying It Out situations BEFORE they sleep in the same bedroom.

1. Early Wake-Up
Harper sleeps great at night but is still waking up early - around 5:30am. I give her the pacifier and she goes back to sleep and then I usually have to give it to her one more time around 6/6:15am to make it close to her 7am wake-up time. She does this whether her last feeding of the night is 9:30pm or 7:30pm, so I'm pretty confident it isn't a hunger issue but just a waking up habit. I decided I need to break the habit of pacifying her since I don't want to be going into the kids' room at that time when Z is likely to wake up and because I don't want to keep waking up that early every day.

2. Pacifier
I swore I wouldn't keep the pacifier going as long as I did with Z, but here I am close to 6 months still using it. Harper is no where as near addiction as Z was, but I still depend on it for most naps to help her settle down quickly. I definitely want to get rid of using it in the next month or so. I think it just gets harder the longer you wait.

3. Swaddle
I also want to stop using the swaddle around the 6 month mark. Harper has good control of her arms and hands and is always putting her fingers in her mouth. I think she will figure out how to suck on her fingers to calm herself.

Phase 1- Stop Early Wake-Up:
So, the plan is to work on Early Wake-Up first. I'm going to keep the swaddle at night for now, but I won't use the pacifier. I have never used the pacifier when she went down for the night because of what happened with Z. He got so used to going to sleep with the pacifier that he would partially wake up when he didn't have it. So, I just have to stop giving her the pacifier when she wakes up early. Ha. Just. This involves some Crying It Out. No Mom likes that. I started this morning. I didn't really have a plan exactly about how long I was going to let her go for or anything. I just decided to plunge into it. She cried for an hour and five minutes and then slept for another 15 and then I fed her a little early at 6:45am. It was rough. Thankfully, the men in the house, yet again, are not affected by Harper's crying and they didn't wake up. I kept my cell phone in bed to check the time, put my earplugs in and kept a pillow over my head. This helped to the extent that the cries didn't sear through my gut, however, not enough to allow me to sleep. I talked myself through it by thinking, "Well, I already went 15 minutes, I might as well go for another 15." And so on and so on. I just didn't want to lose the ground I already conquered. I'm really hoping it's better tomorrow morning, but now I can say, I did an hour one day already, I can't stop now!

Phase 2- No More Pacifier or Swaddle:
The next step will be to work on stopping the pacifier and the swaddle. I'm going to do those together since Harper will hopefully start to use her fingers when she isn't swaddled. Also, if I'm going to listen to crying, I might as well kill a couple birds with one stone. Why not kill the Early Wake-Up bird also? Three reasons. One, I think once we break the habit of that wake-up time, she'll be able to make it through regardless of no swaddling later. Two, keeping the swaddle while breaking the habit will make breaking the habit a little easier. Three, I can't handle early morning crying AND crying for most naps at the same time. I'm hoping we can tackle the early morning crying and then I'll get more sleep to better handle the crying for naps.

Here we go.

Saturday

Why are Saturdays so hard? How long before I give up the ideal of the weekend? Children don't know it's the weekend. They don't know you used to sleep in on a Saturday. You used to do something fun on a Saturday. A Saturday used to feel like a break.
Complaining over. Off I go with our Saturday-not-a-Saturday-day.