Big Z - Four Years Old

Time is FLYING by and I've been too busy to write about it apparently. Really I just would rather nap than write for my blog. Anyway, I wanted to write about my amazing little boy. He turned 4 November 19th and he is at such a fun and curious age. There is so much going on in that little head!

Z still loves construction and machines (Might Machines, anyone?). Thanks to President Obama, there was lots of construction around our town this year and it is an endless fascination for him. The highlight was when the redid the sidewalk in front of our house and we watched a digger break apart the cement and pry it up with the pointy edges of the bucket like Harper picks up stickers with her tiny little forefinger. We literally sat on our front steps with snacks and watched for an hour! Z acts out his own construction in the house, using tape or books or play blocks as "yellow cones" and says there are signs saying "open trench" and "road closed." For his birthday he got a set of little sport orange cones from Grammy. The worst execution of this construction fascination was when he drew a line across the threshold of his room in black PERMANENT marker. (By the way, thank God for google, where we learned that a pencil pink eraser will get Sharpie off of hard wood floor. It worked!)

Z and Harper really love playing together. Z has recently discovered that he loves making her laugh and he does all kind of goofy things to make her giggle. But their favorite activity is chasing each other around the house or playing hide and seek. Harper adores Z and tries to do everything he does. Z is a typical big brother who knocks Harper around himself but the minute anyone else gets even close to hurting her... watch out! His claws come out - literally!

Z and Harper sleep in the same room now (I know! I haven't even written a post on that!). It is ADORABLE to hear them in there. Well, once we got past Z throwing things into her crib. Me: Z, STOP throwing things in her crib! You are going to hurt her! Z: I'm not throwing things. I'm just shooting cannonballs." Sometimes Z will start telling her stories or even singing to her. And he's so helpful when he comes out and tells me Harper wants me after she has been crying Mama, Mama for 5 minutes. :)

I'm amazed at how much kids can absorb at this age. There are so many times he just blows me away with stuff he says. He told me that next year for Halloween he wanted to be ice. Or maybe Word Girl. (Have you seen that show? Awesome!). He never wants to put a jacket on and he tells me he turned on the warm air in his boiler. One day he was going on and on in the car about his boiler and warm air and his fire. And then I hear him say, "Because fire changed the world." No idea where he got that. Hm. We are going over stories from the Bible for Advent and after talking about creation I asked him why God made the world. (I'm looking at a little devotional thing all ready to give him the answer.) He says: "Because He loves us!" The best answer ever! (And by the way, that was the answer in the devotional.)

Z's new preschool is a huge blessing. He really loves his teacher and is learning a ton. He comes home saying things like, "Mama, I shared with Harper, because that's loving." And "that's not how we treat our friends." They have music every day and his favorite song is "Slippery fish." Harper even knows it now and their favorite verse is "humongous whale, humongous whale, spouting in the water..." which shows another current obsession of Z's: the ocean.

We got passes to the Aquarium of the Pacific and we go almost every week. The kids LOVE it. Harper likes to find "nemo" and Z loves looking at the jelly fish, sting rays and sharks. It's a great outing for us and it reminds me of how big my kids are getting because we go without a stroller and the kids listen to me and stay with me (for the most part). I remember going when Z had just turned 3 and it was a completely different story.

And that's the note I want to end on... how much Z's behavior is improving. He is doing so much better at obeying and not fighting every thing. He is still a negotiator and I find myself pulled into his deal-making too often, which I need to work on, but at least it's not full-on defiance and fighting. He is learning how to control himself more and is showing more consideration and kindness for others. I can't believe how much kind words and affection from Z can help. I know my love should be unconditional but I'm human. My favorite is..."you're so sweet" which he says while holding my face in his hands. heh heh So funny.

So that's Z. I love him. And I'm so proud of what a big boy he's becoming.

Harper Joy - 19-20 months

It appears I'm on a once a month routine for writing on this blog. Well, that's okay. There's just a lot going on. But I've been meaning to write about Harper for a while to capture her development and personality around the 18 month mark.

Harper is just so much fun at this age. She can run after Z and jump on the bed and climb stuff at the park- it blows me away. There is such a difference when they have an older sibling to keep up with. Having an older brother has definitely slanted her interests more towards trucks than dolls. But she still has that feminine sweetness and she'll spontaneously "mma" you (a kiss) or even kiss the animal pictures in her book.

She is picking up new words all the time, which never ceases to delight me. The absolute most adorable thing she says right now is "Oody," which is Woody from Toy Story (yes, the no TV 'til two rule went right out the door with the second child). She LOVES "Oody." But she also loves her "bubba," brother. She says "elwo" for "hello" when she pretends she's talking on a phone. She says "almo" for animal and "eee" for treat, key, and sleep. She says "wa" for wash and walk. She says down and peez and mo. Now she is pointing out pumpkins wherever we go: "pumpy." And she says Harper as "hoppy."

Harper is also starting to assert her opinion a lot more and is most likely to throw a tantrum when she doesn't get a "ee"- treat. She can definitely pitch a fit. She has started to smack me when I do something she doesn't like, which, of course, I tell her no and sometimes flick her hand, but it is hard to take her seriously. She doesn't quite have the impact that Z did when he was her age. But maybe it's just because she's the second child and I'm no longer impressed.

Anyway, I am really, really enjoying this stage and our sweet little girl.

I Am What I Am

The kids and I were driving home from visiting a new park. I said that I wasn't sure I wanted to go to that park again. Z asked the ubiquitous "Why?"
Me: "There were a lot of people there."
Z: "Why?"
Me: "I don't know, it's a popular park, I guess. But that was too many people for me."
Z: "Why?"
I paused....
"Well, buddy, because I'm an introvert."
Z paused....
"Mama, I'm a truck!"

I've been reading a book called "Introvert Advantage" by Marti Olsen Laney, and it has been helping me understand some things better. Since 75% of the world are extroverts, being an introvert can make you feel like the odd-one-out. And there are all kinds of labels people throw on introverts like shy, quiet, self-focused, reserved. Here are some words from the book:
"The primary difference between extroverts and introverts is how they recharge their batteries. Extroverts spend energy freely and often have trouble slowing down. They can refresh themselves easily by doing something in the outer world. Introverts, on the other hand, are energized by the internal world - by ideas, impressions, and emotions. Their focus is inside their heads."

I've known since high school that I was an introvert. My entire immediate family are also introverts, so I think we had a good rhythm for our house and allowing each other space. I didn't really mind being an introvert until it started to make me feel really different from my very best friends. Three out of four of my closest friends in high school are extroverts. And at least two of them are probably on the extreme end of extroverted-ness. There were lots of times I would notice myself shutting down and wonder what was wrong with me. A weekend together was really exhausting but I didn't have the consciousness or self-discipline to take care of myself by taking breaks. I was often confused how I could feel so tired after doing something I loved (hanging out with friends).

By the time I was in the thick of my career I had more understanding about my abilities and limits and I was able to balance the intensity of work with recharging time (usually meaning alone time). There was quite a bit of alone time built into my day- the drive to and from work, time spent at the computer, chores at home, etc. There were times I would need some space from John when I got home, but we were able to work through that really quickly. And it didn't take much- just fifteen minutes to change my clothes, wash my hands, tie my hair back.

And then came children. The interaction with them, from the sweet and precious to the obnoxious and frustrating, DRAINS me. There are little people around ALL THE TIME. And they are very needy. And noisy. What's an introvert to do? There are lots of good tips in the book, but the ones I'm working on the most are:

1. Taking your temperament temperature. Being aware of what I can handle and not over-booking myself. Watching for the natural ebbs and flows in my energy and not expecting myself to do exhausting social things when I'm already low on energy. And, this is especially important, not feeling bad about saying no. This can be a little harder if your spouse is an extrovert, which I'm pretty sure mine is, although he is still denying it. I have a hard time saying no when I view it as holding John back. But we're starting to come up with more creative ways to handle things, like he goes early or stays late. Or I make sure I get some alone time prior to going out.

2. Re-charging. I already knew I needed alone time, but this book had some good ideas for things to do when you only have fifteen minutes or half an hour. Some of my favorites: staring off into space (I especially like to do this sitting on my front porch), doing a crossword puzzle, looking at a funny website or reading a magazine article. I've even had John drive the kids home after my Mom's house so I can have twenty minutes of quiet.

3. Be Kind, Don't Rewind. I love this snappy saying in the book. Introverts tend to go back over events and analyze (and often criticize) everything they said. (Extroverts are more critical of their actions.) It's all about how introverts process experiences and information. We have to compare things to the past, present and future to put it in a context that is important to us. One way we do this is by thinking things over again and again. But if the internal voice is critical, then it's not helping! Sometimes you gotta tell yourself to put a sock in it! And what's funny is that the words you think were so wrong probably weren't even noticed by most of the others (at least the extroverts, probably!). You can't let this internal critic make you fearful of sharing/talking/socializing in the future.

Anyway, just a few things I've been learning. I'll leave you with a link to this test for introversion/extroversion. You might surprise yourself!
Fun Test- Introvert/Extrovert

OK

Wow, it's been a while. I guess things have been busy. Since I wrote last I've been feeling better. Still some valleys here and there, but not like that weekend, thankfully. Some time away and a change of scene have helped.

I went on a girls' getaway weekend with some friends two weekends ago. They are more recent friends so I was looking forward to getting to know them better. It was a really great weekend with lots of good conversation and some alone time for me. I found it easy to do my own thing and they were all understanding. And I knew from previous weekend trips going all the way back to high school that I would need that alone time or I would get really crabby by Sunday. I really enjoyed it and felt refreshed coming back to my family on Sunday night.

Then, this last weekend, we took our first family trip since Harper was born. John, Z, Harper, my Mom and I all hopped on a plane and flew to Oklahoma for my grandmother's 90th birthday. We left on Thursday and came back on Monday. It all went very well, but it was pretty exhausting. Staying in one room with your children is not the easiest thing. The kids did really well and did sleep but just not exactly when I wanted them to. Harper took one nap with her head down on the shopping cart handle at Walmart. Z took one nap sitting in a swing.* It was a good learning experience for how we might want to structure a vacation in the future. And it was so worth it to be there for my grandmother, who is just as feisty now as she always was and ended her party with a ride on the back of a motorcycle.*

*Pictures below to prove it.

It was really hot and he just conked out. I was able to move him to the stroller and he slept inside for a while.


She's on the back in the pink t-shirt.

Hello Darkness My Old Friend (Psalm 88)

I'm learning that just when I start to feel like I've "kicked this thing," I start to struggle again. I've been tracking the depression and irritability in relation to my period, and there is definitely a pattern. So I was prepared for this weekend to be hard, but, man, it was hard! We went out Saturday night until late so I woke up Sunday morning completely drained and crabby. And then Z woke up crabby (at 6:15am!). And then John left to go surfing and I never did go back to sleep. I think I just laid there simmering. By the time John got home at 9:15am, I was done. I was so angry and resentful that, once again, John is off enjoying himself while I was home with crabby kids. Everything in me screams that this is unfair, even though we have worked it through so many times in our marriage. Him surfing on weekend mornings is really important to him and to me. But it's not always an easy gift to give. It wasn't John's fault that it happened to be a bad morning, but I was ready to blame him for all of it.

After a shower I was a little calmer and I was able to tell John how I was feeling. I so often bottle things up when I know they are ugly. This time I just told him how I was feeling and told him that it didn't mean he did anything wrong but that I was still struggling with it. He just listened, for which I was grateful.

Then off to church where the sermon was on depression from Psalm 42. Okay, God. Thank you. It was just what I needed in so many ways. There were so many things that spoke to me. First, that it is so common and it doesn't mean you're a bad Christian. I think this point is so obvious, but it helps to hear it again and again. And our pastor also mentioned how depression isn't something that just goes away one day, but it's something that can come and go and it's a process to work through it. So often I want to think that I'm just done with this hard part in my life and I'm finally "better." Second, that I have to stop listening to the lies I tell myself when I'm depressed. That I'm not good enough, that God isn't there, that I'm all alone, that I can't keep going another day. Third, that I need to listen to God's Word instead of the thoughts in my head. Like this:
The LORD your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with his love, He will rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17

-- I love this idea that God delights in me. Just as I am. Not just when I'm happy.
and this:
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:37-39
-- Nothing can separate me from Him. Even me.

Finally, the sermon also talked about going to other people for help. And not being too proud to ask someone to tell you the gospel again. And again. It's so hard for me to talk about this stuff and I hate crying in front of people. But John and I talked after church and I had some time to rest and reflect. I know God is using this for my good, but sometimes I just want to tell God that I'm done growing and learning. Can't I have it a little easier for a while? :) Well, I guess the Creator of the universe knows what He's doing.

Today I'm feeling a little better, but I'm on guard for the ugliness. It is most often stress-induced, so who knows what the rest of this day holds for me. I keep thinking about something my therapist said about God redeeming us. That the pain and suffering we go through is part of this fallen world. But that He is actively redeeming (buying back) and recreating us into His new creation. I'm going to pray that God will "redeem" my monthly cycle so that it isn't always my ticket to Crabby Land.
"I do believe; help my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24)

Quick Vignettes

Tonight at my Mom's, I asked Z to start cleaning up his toys outside. He climbed onto the chaise lounge and said, "Ok, but I'm just going to lay here and think about my day."

My Mom made a name tag with a string that goes around Z's neck. He calls it his medal. After he had decorated it with stickers and Grammy wrote his name, he said he wanted Harper's name on it too, because "she's my best friend."

Z has been very interested in what all of the traffic and parking signs say. He knows what all of the different colored curbs mean, too. The other day he pointed to a sticker on his three-wheeler and said it was his handicap sign. heh, heh. Well, I've tried to explain what it means, but I guess he just appreciates the close parking?

And some funny words Z has said recently:
> zuppachini (zucchini)
> carnita (granita- an italian sorbet style of ice cream that we made. I just thought that was an ironic pronunciation. Smile.)
> While playing Thomas, Z pointed to a spot and said, "Dat's Downa Mine!" I finally realized he was saying it was the mine which Thomas fell into in one of the stories. The title of the story is "Down A Mine."
> Z put one of his toys on my belly like a stethoscope and said "sumping's wrong with your insects."

Here he is making a train noise while driving this train. He can't seem to do it without closing his eyes. :)

Twelve

John and I have been married twelve years today. Twelve. Think of a twelve year-old kid! That's a lot of years!

I'm so thankful for our marriage and how God has used it to make both of us more like Christ. This past year has been especially hard with having the second child and the post partum depression, yet I can see how God has used the struggle for our good. I can honestly say that we feel closer to each other now than ever before.

John's surf trip with four other Christian guys was really good. They did some lessons from a Tim Keller study on marriage and had good conversations about being husbands and fathers. And of course they did lots of surfing and relaxing!

Today we became members of our new church. It seems a fitting day for our anniversary and what I feel like is the beginning of lots of new beginnings. We already feel like we're growing at our new church and we're excited about getting to know everyone. It's awesome to feel hopeful and optimistic about the future. Praise the Lord!

Day Eight- He's Home!

Saturday
All in all a pretty good day. My babysitter canceled (I was going to have some time to myself this morning), but I turned it for the best and we had a nice morning at the Nature Center and then to an animal shelter to see the cats and dogs. We made a Welcome Home sign for Pap and washed his car. Visited with the wives and kids of the rest of the guys on the surf trip and then off to the airport to pick up John.
Z is SOOOO happy to have John home. He was literally beaming and bouncing around. John brought him two really cool shells and Z put them on the shelf like they are the greatest treasure he's ever owned (which they probably are!).
I am SOOO happy to have John home too. He told me how proud he is of me for doing such a good job this week. And he thanked me again for allowing him to go. And he almost jumped with joy when I showed him the reorganized cabinets! :)

Goodnight! Looking forward to a good night's sleep tonight.

Day Seven

Friday
Today was pretty easy because it's the day my Mom watches the kids and I go to work. I took off early for some alone time, which was nice. But I have to say I'm feeling pretty worn out. I had to pray and gear myself up for going to my Mom's house to pick up the kids. Z usually starts to act up right when I get to my Mom's but today he was tired so he was pretty good. I got the kids in bed early tonight because they were both so tired, but now Harper is crying and Z is reading a book. It feels harder when there's no one else here in the house.

-10 minutes later-
Aaah. Harper's finally asleep.

Overall, I guess I should be really proud and thankful we all made it through this week with some fun moments (and a few not so great moments). Again, I'm so, so thankful I don't have to do the single parent thing all of the time. But it's funny how you kind of just suck it up and do it because there is no other option. I wonder if sometimes I call John during the day about some difficulty because it is a way to feel like someone out there knows that my job is hard. This week I prayed a lot and really had to rely on God to "see" me.
This makes me think of Hagar, who after being mistreated by Sarai, runs away into the desert. She is pregnant with no where to go and no one to take care of her. God speaks to her directly and tells her that she is part of His plan. "She gave this name to the LORD who spoke to her: "You are the God who sees me," for she said, "I have now seen the One who sees me." (Genesis 16:13) I love this idea that God SEES me. He knows me better than I know myself and even when I can only pray, "God help me," He can, and does, help me better than anyone else. I hope I can take that truth into the weeks and years to come: that I am not flying solo ever and God is the best co-parent, spouse, friend there is.

-Another 10 minutes later-
Z is asleep!! 8:25pm. Yipee!

Day Six

Thursday
Drop-off and pick-up without tantrums! Yipee! I praised Z over and over again for being such a big boy and handling his disappointment. He said he wanted to stay and started to sit at the tables but I reminded him that he couldn't stay and that he told me he wasn't going to through a tantrum like the last time. Other kids were getting picked up too so I was able to point out that other kids were going home. And the teacher helped by saying he was a lucky boy who got to go home.

I'm already seeing what a great school this new one is going to be for us. I talked to his teacher and the director of the preschool at drop-off today and they were both very encouraging and supportive. I really feel like I'm going to have another resource for ideas in how to help Z. I'm so thankful!

So this is the long stretch between now and bedtime tonight. I have some shopping and a trip to the park (meeting friends) planned, so hopefully it goes by quickly and we have a good time.

I just want to say thank you to everyone who has been praying for me. I really have felt God's strength in me this week. We are really looking forward to John coming home. Z keeps saying that he wants to go to Mexico. And yesterday he asked if Papa is coming home. Home stretch!

8:32pm. Both kids are in bed but neither are asleep. We skipped the shopping but went to the park. It didn't quite turn out like I thought (when will I learn) and I spent my time running after the kids rather than eating or talking to anyone. Oh well. We made it through another day. Just praying for a little more patience to make it through until Z falls asleep.

Day Five

Wednesday
I feel like we're at the top of the hill now. Just downhill to go. But, man, I'm tired.

Went to the beach today with a babysitter to help. It was pretty fun and killed a bunch of time. A friend and her little girl came so it was nice to have some adult conversation. I also had that at book club last night, so that was good. After getting the kids home and down for nap time/quiet play time, the babysitter and I reorganized the bathroom cabinets and kitchen cupboard. Awesome!! It's totally one of those things I have a hard time making myself do, so having someone there to help was a good impetus.

I'm praying that the drop-off and pick-up at preschool tomorrow goes okay. Z keeps saying he's never going back to "dat preschool." I'm hoping he changes his mind when he sees the playground? Or maybe he'll just throw a fit upon drop-off like the rest of the kids. :)

I'm also praying for a good night sleep. Last night wasn't great. Perhaps I'm adjusting to the new bed? Or maybe it just feels strange to not have John there with me. I miss him. And not just in a co-parenting way. Our house is definitely less fun without him. Just a few more days!

Day Four... Solo

Tuesday
How can it be only 1pm? It feels like an entire day has gone by already. New mattress delivered at 7:15am. Both kids already up by then. Z started his new preschool. Drop off was fine. Pick up was a nightmare.

All of the other kids are full-day kids so they stay for lunch and the rest of the afternoon. Z was very upset that he wasn't staying for lunch. Massive, code-red, full blown tantrum. Z screams, yells, cries, runs off along the side of the school (which is by a major street). Spankings. The drag-by-the-arm routine. Somehow I manage to remain calm in a kind of out-of-body sort of way where I'm seeing this all happen from a fluffy cloud above. More spankings. The physically-restrain-while-forcing-into-car routine. Z screams the whole way home. A flying shoe hits my arm. I am silent. I am a strong, unperterbable fortress of self control.

I leave the car on in the driveway with Z still strapped in while I carry my things inside. I ask the babysitter to take Harper outside so I don't have to manage her while handling Z's tantrum. I unstrap the monster, I mean, Z and tell him to go inside to his room. He can come out when he is calm and we will talk. He doesn't want to get out of the car so I walk away leaving both doors open. Thankfully, he soon follows and comes inside. He goes to his room and slams the door a few times. I ignore it.

After a stroll outside with Harper and the babysitter, I come back inside. Z is calm. Hallelujah! We have a talk and I tell him his behavior is unacceptable. He is a completely different child than 15 minutes before. He says, "I'm sorry, Mama, for throwing a tantrum... at my new... preschool." I forgive him and give him a hug. We talk about how disappointed he was about not getting lunch. I think it was partly that he was hungry and he didn't get to eat what they were eating (which apparently looked really good to him) and partly that he was singled out, sitting on a bench while all the kids ate their lunches at the tables. Boy. Well, I know how to do things better next time: prepare him for the lunch thing, getting there right on time (I was 3 minutes late!) before lunch is served. Once again I hear that phrase I hate: "We've never had this happen..." They've seen lots of tantrums over getting dropped off for preschool but none involving a child not wanting to leave. Well, Z is certainly one in a million. And praise the Lord, he is a napping one in a million right now.

Day Three Flying Solo

Monday
Still going okay, but I've already calculated once how far into it we are. One-quarter through.

Had a good night and day at my Mom's. It was really nice to have the extra help and be in a different place. Adventureland was really fun. There was no wait for the rides and the rides are just right for pre-schoolers. This afternoon has been more challenging as Z has decided to test me at every turn. I'm hoping it's because he's tired (he stayed up late last night watching Toy Story 2) and that he'll go to bed easily tonight. One hour until bedtime. I can do it!

P.S. Confession: I'm having a celebratory orangina, tequila and citron drink. A little Mexico for me too!

Day Two Flying Solo

Sunday
Made pancakes this morning, took a shower, got myself and the kids ready and made it to church on time. Wow! Church was great and then we just finished lunch at home. Nap time/Quiet Play Time then we'll go to my Mom's this evening. We're going to have a slumber party and then go to Adventureland tomorrow.

A bunch of people at church told me what a great wife I am that I let John go on a seven day trip. Although I do think I'm giving him a gift, what people don't know is what a huge gift he's been for me this past year. It has not been easy and I imagine John must have wondered many times who this woman was he was living with because she was pretty different from the one he married. And recently John has been so supportive and encouraging. We just changed churches recently to have a church family closer to our home. And God is really using it to challenge us and wake us up from the post-baby busy life stupor. It is really making a big difference in John, who is praying more and reading his Bible more. It really is an Awakening. And our family has already been extremely blessed by it.

So, yeah, I'm a pretty awesome wife to allow John to have a dream surf-trip. But John's a pretty awesome husband for loving me at my worst and helping me get to my best.

7 Days Flying Solo

Saturday Morning. Day One of a week without John, who is on a surf trip in Mexico. (Yes, fully supported and not resented by me.)
Goals for the Week:
1. Have fun. Pancakes for dinner. Ice cream for breakfast. Whatever! We are going to have fun! Special day trips and beach fun planned. Don't just count down the moments until John gets home.
2. Pray every day. For myself, for John, for Z and for Harper. Praying Z has a "good" week of behavior. Praying I am strong and consistent no matter what kind of week Z has.

I have a plan for every day and some kind of help almost every day. I'm funding our babysitter's summer vacation. :)

Day One- Saturday:
> Babysitter at 9:30am. Breakfast with a friend. Home for naps and afternoon. Babysitter at 6:30pm. Dinner with a friend.

Here we go!

Saturday Night (10pm). Pretty good day, but very little of it was me at home by myself. Feeling okay. Off to bed!

Mess Making During Nap

The up side to no nap? House of total quiet at 9pm. The down side to no nap? Figuring out how to get through quiet play time without gigantic messes (one of which included diaper rash cream and a lot of crying on my part). I've tried a variety of tactics to motivate Z to keep his room clean, and so far there has been a little improvement, but I can't say it's not a problem at all anymore. Sometimes the mess is made in playing - Z likes to pile all his stuff together and then "plow" it across the room. Or sometimes the pile is a natural disaster or sometimes a beaver dam (see picture below). As long as he's not destroying anything I've been telling him he can make messes as long as he cleans them up. I've been telling him he can come out when he's done cleaning everything up.



At first I wasn't sure if it was realistic to expect him to clean up his room on his own. One day he pulled everything out of the dresser- clothes and diapers were everywhere. I told him he had to clean it up and left the room. After crying and praying and trying to calm down, I went back in. I honestly expected it not to be done and I was looking forward to it so I could discipline him. I admit my goal was really punishment, not discipline. I was just still mad that he had made the big mess. When I went in, I was shocked. The room was spotless! He had put everything back- even into the right drawers. Harper's pajamas with Harper's pajamas, Z's with Z's. Diapers in the center cabinet. It wasn't perfect but he did a really good job! Well. I couldn't discipline him after that! I told him I didn't want him to do that again (which he hasn't) and told him he did a good job cleaning up.

But then the cleaning up was taking a REALLY long time. He was in his room for another two hours after the first hour and a half "cleaning" up the mess. I realized that I didn't want him taking that long to clean up. What if we had to go somewhere? So, borrowing an idea from a new book I'm reading, Loving Our Kids On Purpose by Danny Silk (a book which may have just changed my life- I'll write more on it later), I tried a new tactic. I told Z that if he didn't want to clean up the mess he could pay me to do it.

We talked it through a lot and I gave him examples of how he could pay me. I would accept payment in the form of his toys. I listed the toys that were worth enough for my labor: garbage truck, dump truck, fire truck. No, not the stroller- that's Harper's. No, not Elmo (because he doesn't really play with him anymore). No, not books. Why? Because they are something all of us enjoy; they don't belong just to you. This negotiation gave me insight into what Z really valued so I know what the high cost items are.

The first time he told me he wanted to pay me to do it. I said it would cost the garbage truck. But if he wanted to help me clean it up, it wouldn't take me as long so it would cost less. If we cleaned up together it would cost him the dump truck. Deal. We shook hands on it and cleaned the mess together. No fussing or crying. No punishment. The next day I took dump truck with me when I went out by myself. As I was leaving with the truck, Z asked about it and I reminded him that he paid me with it yesterday. He said, "oh... bye dump truck!" With some help from a friend, I "sold" dump truck and showed Z the money in my pocket when I got home.

We've only just started this new approach, so I'm curious to see what effect it has. However, I already like what I see. After Z and I cleaned up the mess together, later in the day, Harper tried to pull books off the shelf. Z said, "No, Harper, I just cleaned that up!!" Does that sound familiar?

The End of the World: Dropping Naps

I thought it would be the end of the world when Z stopped taking his afternoon nap. Has anyone noticed the world ending? So it turns out life moves on and I've found ways to adapt.

For almost a year, Z hasn't been going right to sleep when we put him to bed. Thankfully we got through the phase where he wouldn't stay in his room or in his bed. So we put him to bed at 8:30pm and he would read and play in his bed until 9:30 or 9:45pm. I knew that the afternoon nap was contributing to it, but when he missed his afternoon nap he got SOO cranky by 6/7pm. I figured we were in a transition phase and decided to put him down for a nap and get one when I could, knowing he would be up making noise (and perhaps requiring some interaction) until 9 or 10pm. If you know me, then you know I also grabbed a nap at the same time, thus, my desire to keep Z's nap as long as I could.

I continued my wishful nap thinking for a good six months where he would miss a nap maybe once or twice a week. And I figured out that I could sleep even when Z doesn't. This involves ear plugs and my head between two pillows. Since the personal sacrifice (no nap for me) was no longer as much of an issue, I recently decided to let him decide whether he wanted to take a nap. I told him he had to stay in his room for quiet play time or to sleep. I think the novelty of not having to take a nap motivated him to stay in his room. There were a few times I had to tell him to go back, but he has been pretty good about staying in there. For the first week he played for a little while (maybe 30-40 minutes) and then put himself to sleep. We're in the third week now and he has not gone to sleep once this week. I have him stay in his room for an hour and half to two hours and I manage to catch a 30-45 minute nap. Z is doing better with more sleep at night and he isn't getting unbearably cranky in the evening. It just took some adjustment time to get over the crabby hump.

At the same time, Harper has pretty much dropped her morning nap. She'll be 16 months at the end of this week. Unlike with Z, I could hardly wait for her to drop the morning nap because it makes things easier. Without the nap, we can all go out and do things and we're not stuck at home so much. Also, she is sleeping longer in the afternoon, so that gives me more time to do my stuff or to hang out with just Z. She is so easy-going still that even when she is pretty tired, and could have taken a morning nap, she isn't overly cranky. Sometimes I try to get her down a little earlier than 1pm for her nap, but it's not critical. I'm looking forward to some fun things we can do this summer with the whole morning uninterrupted!

No nap for Z has brought on new challenges, which I'll save for another post. But I guess I'm glad we've gone through another milestone and I see yet again how we can all adjust and adapt. And it never is really as bad as I think it's going to be.

Why Being A Mom Is So Hard

I've been talking to a lot of friends lately about the struggles of being a Mom. I've also been thinking a lot about my own struggles- when I feel the most defeated, what I feel when I'm frustrated and angry with my kids, what events cause the most stress to me. Here are some reasons why motherhood is difficult for me. Perhaps they'll ring true for you also.

Previous Levels of Success Don't Always Translate to Motherhood
No matter what you did before you were a mom, you will always feel out of your element when becoming a mom for the first time. And as I come across every new step in mothering, I feel yet again out of my league. Then the second child comes along and you think it will be easier. To some extent it is easier, but every child is different and you have to learn how to adapt and change your approach with that new child. It's easy to remember previous successes in life- high school awards, college degrees, promotions at work- and think, I should be able to handle this. I have a college degree! I did this or that! And our society tells us that those are obvious measures of success and set you up for a prosperous future. And the irony is that a college degree doesn't really help with the daily challenges of being a mom- disciplining your children, not losing your temper, stacking blocks for the 15th time, cutting grapes and packing diaper bags.
Don't get me wrong, a college degree (as one example of success) is valuable and I highly recommend it. I even think it will come in handy (and already has) in communicating with my children, problem solving, multi-tasking. I'm just saying that it's a fallacy to think that a successful person will automatically be successful at parenting.

Parenting Requires A Different Measure of Success
Since my previous measures for success aren't translating to motherhood, I've been thinking a lot about what I view as successful parenting. And I'm starting to see why my frustration is so high when I have to discipline Z over and over again. I've been judging my success as a parent by Z's behavior. When Z is obedient, I'm doing a good job. Talk about setting myself up for failure! Z is a sinner, just like me. He will never be perfect, just like I won't. Yet I'm holding myself responsible for his behavior. If I did a better job, he wouldn't be disobedient or unkind. The only measure of my success is my own actions as a parent. Z will disobey. Z will knock over his sister. So, what did I do in response? Did I discipline him in anger? Did I take the time to firmly and lovingly discipline him and teach him what is right? THAT is my success or failure!
The tricky thing is that there is a correlation between successful parenting and the behavior of the child. If I am doing my best in training and disciplining Z, there will be results. But those results are long term and gradual. And Z's behavior is his responsibility as well. Even perfect parenting (as if that existed) does not always bring perfect results. A child does eventually make his own way and may turn away from the things you've taught him. Which is just another reason to trust God and rely on His grace in our failures and your kids' failures.

Lack of Recognition
Of course your two-year-old doesn't tell you good job. No one thinks they will. But I certainly think that someone ought to notice. Someone is going to stop me in the grocery and tell me what well-behaved children I have. My mom or in-laws are going to say that I'm doing a great job with their grandkids. My husband is going to be daily blown away by the way I handled the day with endurance and a sense of humor. Okay, maybe not that much, but shoot, a little appreciation goes a long way, right? If only I could really grasp this verse: "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving." (Colossians 3:23-24) How much would that change my daily life? And, I'm not letting our husbands off the hook, who really should make an effort to encourage us in our mothering, but imagine if we only cared about what God thought. And we only thought about our eternal reward. Phew. I'm not anywhere close to that, but thank the Lord that He is working in me. That is definitely something I'll be praying for...and I know God will appreciate it!

Therapy Session (2)

Be careful of the stories you believe about yourself.

This one has really been brewing in my head for a while now. It's kind of a big umbrella for all the ways we think about ourselves- either from what others have told us, the roles we've filled, or our own patterns of thinking. For one woman this might be the care-taking role she has always filled as the oldest sibling that develops into caring for everyone else except herself. She finds her worth in caring for others to such an extent that she might feel worthless when she doesn't. For another woman this might mean that she thinks she's not smart because of words a teacher or parent said to her when she struggled in school.

For me, it looks like this. I think that if I plan and prepare and work hard enough then everything in my life will go smoothly. I think I'm smart and capable (which is good). But I think that because of that, everything should be easy. When I make mistakes, I beat myself up about them. It could be something as silly as forgetting to write something on my grocery list, thus causing another trip to the grocery store. Or it could be the bigger mistakes like losing my temper with Z or, on the other side of the coin, letting a discipline problem go unaddressed. If I really let the voice go in my head, these mistakes turn into failures, with a capital F. It's only a short jump to go from "I'm failing" to "I'm a failure."

What a lie! Not only am I not a failure, God tells me that He is perfecting His work in me. I will never be perfect on this earth, just like no one else will be. And sometimes stuff just happens no matter how perfectly I might plan and prepare. It is unrealistic to think that I can make anything perfect in this world. But, I can be confident that GOD is refining me in His perfect timing. And I can rest in knowing that His grace for me is infinite. And, if I really think about it from His perspective, does God care if I forget to buy milk? Doesn't He care more that I don't get bent out of shape about it and snap at my family? So, I'm working on staying alert for that voice in my head that tells me I'm failing. I'm fighting back against it and replacing it with God's words about me.

So think about it. What stories do you hear about yourself? Are they true? Where do they come from? Just because the words are in your head doesn't make them true.

Therapy Session (1)

So it turns out that I don't blog as much when I go to a therapist. Interesting. I always knew blogging was therapeutic for me!

I've been learning a lot in my therapy sessions. I ended up switching to a Christian therapist and I'm so glad I did. The biggest difference was really just that I felt a lot more comfortable with her. She is very warm and personable and it is easy to talk to her. I've been surprised by the breadth of things we've talked about. All of it has been really good for me. I'm going to share some of what I'm learning where I think it could be helpful for others.

1. Parents Need To Take Breaks... especially if you're an introvert.
I always knew I was an introvert, but I underestimated how important getting alone time is for me. I can see how most of my breakdowns in the past have been after an intense time without breaks. I've really been prioritizing time away and it is helping a ton. John has really been supportive of this and reminds me every weekend. Having babysitters more often has helped and even when I'm working I take a half hour or more to do something on my own- get coffee and read a book, drive and listen to music. Having more time to myself has helped in my relationship with John also. So often in the evenings I'm just ready to shut down and zone out. Unfortunately, that is the most common time that John and I have together. But I find that my alone time during the day helps me reserve some energy for him at the end of the day. Talking through all of this with him has helped him understand me better, I think. The other night I was on the couch just decompressing from the day. He sat down on the chair next to the couch and said that he wanted to give me a hug and tell me that he loves me, but he could tell that I needed some space to myself. It was the best gift ever! It was like getting a hug and space at the same time! Perfect!

New

Just adjusting to the new normal here. Learning the difference between hard days and days lived in depression. Every time a difficult day pops up I get scared that the depression is returning. It feels like the black cloud (think Lost) is circling at my ankles and I'm not sure if it will grab me and throw me across the jungle or just click and go away. So far it has always left. Sometimes I kick it lose and sometimes I realize it was never there at all.
Mostly it is really just fear. Fear that the depression will come back. Fear that I won't realize it and I'll suffer through months of darkness again. But I have to remember that I will never be in the same position again. Before I didn't really know what was going on. Now I know what to watch for and I'm on medicine that is already working and can be adjusted to work better if needed.
My therapist (how weird is it to say that?!) says that every time I "exercise" my brain to get through the struggles and realize that it is not depression that I build my ability to do it again. Each time the exercise will get a little easier until I won't even realize I'm doing it. I'll just recognize the feelings and move past them. I like this idea of exercising or practicing. It reminds me of when Paul talks about training as if for a race (1 Corinthians 9:23-27). I feel like I'm practicing trusting that God will take care of me and by doing so I gain confidence in getting through the struggles of every day life.

Speaking of new... I think I felt the need to mark this new phase of my life. I decided to change my hair. I have not changed my hair significantly since high school.
Here it is:


(Don't pay attention to my dirty mirror.)

Harper: One Year Old

Warning-- Gush alert...

My little sweet girl is one year old! Harper continues to exude her middle name, Joy. I love getting to know her personality as she becomes more expressive and able to communicate. Every time she turns her hands up (like she's offering you a delicate plate of tea cakes) in her "all done" sign, my heart melts. She scoots/crawls around like a little monkey with one leg tucked under her and the other foot out in front pulling her along. She is getting very quick at this crawl and loves to insert herself in whatever Z is doing at any given moment. Harper will often crawl over to my or John's legs, grab hold and bury her little face into a shin or calf. Her favorites sounds to make are "teh"- like a soft push of air through her teeth, and "mama" and "da" (with the long "a" like cat).

Harper is curious and likes to explore although she tends to stick to toys, books and swinging doors. She does not show the same fascination Z had for electric cords, thankfully. She does like to get into a cabinet in the kitchen she's not allowed. I tell her no and she gives me the most charming "who me" smile you've ever seen. A lot of the time she'll stop when I say no. She easily moves on to other interests. Sometimes she'll throw a mini-fit when I take something away. There is no more appropriate phrase than tempest in a teapot. She throws her head back, sheds a few tears and then, pop, as if the lid went back on the teapot, she's off to find something else to do. This is highly amusing although I have to stop laughing at this highly unacceptable behavior (hee hee).

Harper's favorite game is for me to chase her. I tell her I'm gonna get her and I make sounds on the wood floor behind her. She looks at me, sticks her tongue out and then scampers off to get away. When I finally catch her and grab her around the middle, her giggle sounds like bubbles percolating up through her throat. I can't get enough of that giggle. I can't say enough about my precious, sweet, fun little girl.

Here are some pictures from birthday festivities:
She was not impressed with what her Papa called a gratuitous American birthday tradition.


Her chubby little hands enjoyed mushing the frosting, though.


She's just started to push things and walk behind them. We see this tongue-out expression often. :)

Job Performance Feedback

When I stopped working full time and became a stay-at-home mom, I knew that I would no longer get the feedback on my work that you get in a career job. I knew there would be no more performance evaluations or awards or raises. Getting praise for my work was very important to me and I wanted to know I was doing a good job and feel accomplishment.

In motherhood the feedback comes in smaller, less obvious ways. It's rarely in a verbal form from someone else, but I might see some changes or improvements in Z's behavior. Or I might realize that something I struggled with is no longer a struggle. I see it the most when I have markers to highlight changes. For example, when I compare Z's two-year checkup with his three-year checkup, I can see Z's growth summarized in an hour-long contrast. At two years I had a very hard time keeping Z calm in the exam room. I did everything I could to entertain him and he was still whiney and upset most of the time. When the doctor came in he tried to get out of the room. He hid in the corner and just stared at the doctor. It took a lot of coaxing to get the exam done. I remember being very worried about his minimal speech and frustrated that I couldn't understand what he needed. At three years we had a good time in the exam room. We read together and watched the cars outside. When the doctor came in, he sat calmly on the exam table and was very curious about her tools. He talked to the doctor and wasn't the least bit shy or nervous. Although I can't say that the improvement is really a direct result of my parenting, because age and development are a part of it, I can at least feel good that I'm helping Z along the way. I can say to myself that I'm doing a good job.

Yesterday, I had the uncommon experience of having a lot of feedback all in one day. I talked about depression at our MOPS meeting. Not only did I see the other women connecting to what I was saying while I was talking, I also got a lot of comments about it afterward. I'm so thankful it was helpful to others. I really feel like the Lord is using my experience to encourage others. What a great feeling!
And then, I had my family over for dinner last night to celebrate Harper's birthday. Everyone is usually complimentary of my cooking, but my brother specifically said, "You do good work." Something about the phrasing made it stick in my head more than usual. And then, after everyone had left, John said, "Thank you for doing such a great job on Harper's birthday." That felt really great! It told me that he noticed the time I took to decorate and make special heart-shaped cupcakes and so on.

What a great day! Besides the feeling of accomplishment, I also just felt happy! Happy! Celebrating our little girl made me so thankful and joyful. She is such a treasure and I'm enjoying her so much. I have so much to be thankful for, including the ability to feel thankful. Hallelujah! Thank you, Heavenly Father.

The Sunny Side of the Street

I'm still thrilled that the medicine is really helping and I feel like myself again.

This past week was a little challenging because I have a cold and sinus infection. I had to call John home early from work one day. It felt reminiscent of the "dark time" but I'm glad I was able to ask for help. And even more thankful that it really was just the sickness and not the feelings of depression coming back. I just got medicine for the sinus infection today and I'm imagining how great I will feel when I'm over that. Yeah!

Plus, things are picking up again as I start up MOPS again every other Wednesday and I'm going to start working more and we're starting a music class on Monday afternoons. I'm really happy for all of the activity and change. I feel like I've come out of a hibernation and feeling the warm sunshine on my face.

I'm going to be talking (briefly) tomorrow at our MOPS meeting about postpartum depression. I'm really excited to do it because I really hope it might help someone there in the room or even a friend of theirs down the road. It just feels like a miracle how different I feel from even three weeks ago. Praise God for His grace and steadfast love to me!

Potty Training... Does It Ever End?

I've been thinking that there should be a t-shirt that says "I survived Potty Training." Really! Getting through potty training has to be at least as challenging as hiking Half Dome, right? But then I don't think any mom would know when they earned the t-shirt. When is potty training really done? Just when I think we're there, I'm cleaning up poop off the top of the swirly slide at the park. (Seriously- that was on Wednesday.) When I was joking about the t-shirt with another mom, she commented that by the time you know they're really potty trained, there is another list of things you've survived besides. So, maybe we need a fill in the blank kind of t-shirt with the phrase "I'm surviving _____ "

By the way, when Z finally unloaded the big poop he had been holding back for a few days (thus the accident at the park), he said: "Don't go on da slide! Dare's a poop dare!"

Better and Better

John says, "I can't believe what medicine can do." He's feeding Harper on the couch and I'm hustling to get the laundry put away before the kids go to bed.
I say: "What do you mean?"
John says, "It was like I used to come home every night to someone drowning. And now I'm watching you do laps in the pool."

Harper's Womanly Discovery

Here is Harper's exploring at 11 months.

Glad I don't have to explain those for a very long time.

Sanity Status

Things are moving along here. After the initial boost on the medicine I started to feel a little bit down again towards the end of the first week. The doctor started me on a week of 25mg and then switched me to 50mg after that. I think the higher dose has started to help again. This week has been challenging with lots of rain and lots of time inside, but I've been feeling okay. I haven't woken up feeling defeated or hopeless. I've been making the effort to plan things for Z to do inside and keep us all busy. Those are all good signs.
As for the plan, here is the status:
1. Vitamin supplement- I stopped it for now because I'm on the anti-depressant. Will keep it for use later on. Still think it helped.
2. Wean Harper- Done. Done. Done. Dropped a feeding at a time and have been off breast feeding for over a week. Harper was a little bothered by it, I think. Or, it could be teething. Who knows. Still having a hard time getting her to take the recommended number of ounces a day (24-32), but all I can do is keep trying. She has been waking up a little at night so I'm trying hard to just get her enough food.
3. Go to a counselor/therapist/psychologist- Finally have an appointment for this Saturday. What an ordeal trying to find someone. I kept waiting to see if I could get someone perhaps recommended by a friend and covered by our insurance. It felt weird to just pick a name on a list. In the end? I picked a name on the list. Oh well. We'll see how it goes.
4. See my doctor about my thyroid and hormones- Done. Thyroid fine. Anti-depressants prescribed.
5. Get regular babysitter so I have guaranteed time to myself at least once a week- Have this week covered. Trying out a new babysitter for long term duty.

Phew. That's about it.

LIGHT

I've had four days of medication for postpartum depression.

And...

I

Feel

BETTER!!

I can't believe the difference already! I'm so, so thankful to God for giving wisdom to man to figure out things like medication for depression. It reminds me of the line in Joy To The World: "He comes to make His blessings flow, Far as the curse is found."

I started to feel more calm and less agitated pretty quickly. But by the fourth day, I could tell a difference in how I felt and thought. Everything seemed clearer and lighter. I had a long afternoon to find something for the kids to do and I didn't despair about it. I thought of several ideas and we ended up doing them all. Z had a couple of discipline problems, but it didn't even phase me! And, for the first time in a very long time, I really enjoyed spending time with my kids! It was like looking at them with new eyes. You know how when you're away from your child(ren) and you come back and see all their adorable-ness newly and freshly? It was like that- like I was coming back from a long trip away. I noticed it more with Z, who can try the patience of a saint. I watched him play and talk and smile and it filled me up with joy. Overflowing joy!

I can't even describe the relief I feel. I have a sense of well-being and settledness. Praise God!

Sanity Update

My husband pointed out that my last postings have been a little dramatic. The terms I used like "crazy" and "crossing a line" sounded really intense. I agree. And I think it's what I needed. Once I really accepted that there was a "problem," I had to label it to the extent that I felt justified in seeking help. Hm. Up until that point I kept expecting the solution to be within me. If I could just have the right perspective then the cloud would go away. When I decided that it just wasn't something I could change on my own, the labels set down a marker for me. I would not go backwards over that marker again. I'm going forward from this point. No talking myself out of it.

I went to my OB/GYN and I'm so glad I did. As soon as I said a few words and started crying, she launched into a speech about post partum depression and how it is physical and it's not just in my head, and it's not just that I'm a bad Mom, etc. Her words couldn't have been more perfect. I knew she really understood what I was feeling and that she didn't think I was crazy. (Well, you know, like make-stuff-up crazy. Okay I'm overusing that term.) We talked for a little while and she prescribed me Zoloft (anti-depressant). She said she thought I would be feeling a lot better within a week. A WEEK!

I was thinking I would wait a little before going on medication, but when I heard that, I realized how badly I want to be better. And the whole thing about this being a physical thing happening to me really sunk in. I thought I knew that about post partum depression, but I didn't really KNOW it. You know? If I accept that this is a physical condition (sure, with lots of environmental, emotional and mental components), then why wouldn't I take medicine to help me? Waiting to see if stopping breastfeeding or the vitamin supplement would help just isn't worth it. I don't want to wait in this state to see if it gets better. I'm done waiting.

So that's it. I'm on medication. I'm still going to see a therapist because I think it will still help a lot to talk through things. I'm still getting babysitters because I still need breaks. But I feel like I'm doing the best thing for me and my family to start to feel better soon. (A week! Will keep you posted.)

Project Sanity II

I am so grateful to everyone who has written or called and encouraged me about this. I think a lot of what I'm feeling is very typical of young mothers, but just a little too much so. Does that make sense? It's like I have a cup of average problems and irritations. And at another point in my life I would have felt stressed but not undone. Either there are too many things in the cup or my cup is smaller right now. It's like I'm just barely hanging on all the time. And the slightest thing can fill the cup up and everything overflows.
It's so easy to disregard how I'm feeling. There are lots of reasons to be overwhelmed or tired: new baby, three year-old, breast feeding, friction in marriage, interrupted sleep at night, lots and lots of work and very few breaks. All I can say is that I finally crossed that line for myself and realized I needed help. The biggest eye-opener for me was thinking back to how I've felt in the past- pre-kids and even after Z was born (let's say 4-5 months after when I started to feel more normal). I remember being bored, but I had the energy and desire to plan new things and try to keep active. I remember being overwhelmed by problems, but I had clarity and perspective to plan solutions. There were hard days, but usually by the next day I was ready to start again, refreshed and re-energized.
If anything, things should really be feeling good right now. Z is much better behaved (most days) than a year ago. Harper is a breeze. I have two delightful children but I just can't seem to delight in them. That's a line crossed.

So, a quick update on my plan for feeling better:
1. Still on vitamin supplement. Nothing new to report.
2. Weaning. A little bit of discomfort but I'm on day 2 of dropping the 2nd feeding. Will start dropping 3rd feeding on Saturday.
3. Waiting until next week to call for an appointment, after I've been to both doctors.
4. Saw general practitioner today about my thyroid. I've been on thyroid medication for twenty years or more, so this was an obvious thing to check. He agreed to check my blood and send me to have an ultrasound on my thyroid. (Back story- one side of my thyroid feels larger than the other. My Mom had severe hypothyroidism after she gave birth to me. It didn't show up on the blood test but they found it because her thyroid was enlarged.)
I'm realizing that it's likely my OB/GYN will just suggest anti-depressants. I think I'm going to get the prescription, but wait to fill it until I've completed weaning and I've gone to a therapist for a few sessions. I'd rather wait and see before starting medication.
5. Still looking for a regular babysitter, but have a few set up in the near term.

Thanks for listening.

Project Sanity

Today started as another down day. So this is a good time to remind myself of the steps in Project Sanity:
1. Take vitamin supplement for hormones (Evening primrose and some other oils)
2. Wean Harper
3. Go to a counselor/therapist/psychologist
4. See my doctor about my thyroid and hormones
5. Get regular babysitter so I have guaranteed time to myself at least once a week

Report to date:
1. So far the vitamin supplement actually really seems to be helping. There have been a few moments that would have defeated me in the past and I was able to stay calm and handle it.

2. Weaning is going really well, contrary to what I would have thought even two weeks ago. I've dropped one nursing time (11am) completely and just started dropping another one (when I usually pumped at 8pm or so). Harper seems to be fine with formula; she is more temperamental about the temperature than anything else.

3. I've called several counselors and talked to a couple. Both told me to be sure to check with my doctor. After having a couple good days, it's easy to talk myself out of going. I'm going to wait and talk to my doctors, but still set up an appointment to talk to someone too. I don't want to bury some things I'm feeling and thinking and then have another crisis situation in a few months.

4. Two appointments scheduled, which seems a miracle as I've always had a hard time getting in with my general practitioner and my OB/GYN. I've written down the things I've been feeling so I don't downplay or minimize when I talk to them.

5. I have some babysitters scheduled for the next week or so, but still don't have a regular one. Trying out a new one this week, so I'll see if she might work out. I do have one for this Saturday, which my genius friend M suggested. Saturdays are always so hard for me, so why not use that time to get away and recharge rather than become further depleted. I love it! And, I might even be able to go surfing with John rather than fight resenting him for going while I'm "stuck" at home.

Perhaps it's good I'm feeling down today because it is reminding me that this problem isn't going to just disappear. I always do this-- like when I have bad cramps and then twenty minutes later they are better and I think I was just being dramatic or something. What is that about? I don't trust myself? I don't want to be weak so I downplay my struggles? Hm. Maybe that is something a therapist will help me see.

Well, I just took my vitamin and I'm headed outside for some sunshine with Z. Praying for patience and perseverance.
Jeremiah 32:17- "Ah Lord GOD! Behold, You have made the heavens and the earth by Your great power and by Your outstretched arm! Nothing is too difficult for You,"

Breaking Through

I finally decided I'm crazy. After another couple of breakdowns and good conversations with a couple friends and John, I realized that things are just not right. I am not myself. At all. I kept thinking it would get better. I kept thinking, "It's just a bad day." But it's been ten months since Harper was born (plus the pregnancy-induced craziness before that) and not that much has changed. It really should be better by now and in some ways it feels worse.

The good news is that I have a plan of action. But I realized that I often don't want to face a problem, or talk about it until I have a solution, so today I'm just going to talk about the problem. For now I want to describe what crazy feels like for me. Because perhaps someone else out there is going crazy too and doesn't know it. To me, crazy feels like this:

There's a feeling of pressure building up where I think that I can't possibly handle one more thing. Little, seemingly innocuous things send me either into rage or a frenetic state of indecision, where I jump from one thing to the next and never finish anything and can't focus on anything. My mind literally can't focus on something like making lunch because I can FEEL that runway of dirt and leaves and footprints trailing from the front door. I know the dirt can wait, but I FEEL it will destroy me if I don't handle it immediately. When it's really bad, I just cry. And cry. And cry. (To which Z says: "Mama, why you cryin' all time?")
Some days I wake up feeling already defeated and exhausted. I dread getting out of bed or hearing the kids wake up. At many points during the day I calculate how many hours until the kids are in bed, or until I'm in bed. I wonder what I'm going to do with the chasm of time between now and then. I wish that someone would come over and play with the kids so I could leave. I wonder how many more times I will have to play "gardener" with Z and sometimes I remember when I used to be able to have fun with him when doing it. I think up "errands" to go on to get out of the house and to have the kids strapped into car seats for even just the ten-minute drive so I don't have to interact with them.
Other times, it feels like there is a thick curtain between me and what is going on. I am in the moment but not of it. I watch the kids play but am distracted by the shadows and anxiety in my head. Even when I'm doing something I love, like hanging out with friends or spending time out alone, I can't quite enjoy it. The gloomy cloud has followed me and I find reasons to be annoyed or discontent with what should bring me joy.
All the time I think that I should be able to snap out of it. A quiet moment of prayer, a refocusing on what is important, wise words from a friend repeating through my mind... these should help me turn my day around. Sometimes they help a little, but often they don't. I blame myself for my failure, my bad attitude, my sin. I'm ashamed.

And then I went to see movie and laughed out loud several times. It felt like something my cheek muscles hadn't done in a long time. And then I talked to a friend* who reflected back to me what she had seen and heard for months. And she reflected back to me the person I usually am- the person she has known a long time. And I remember that I actually usually enjoy my friends, my kids, my husband. I usually have a sense of humor. I usually can get my way to a solution to most problems pretty quickly. And I realize that I am very, very tired of feeling like this.


I'm sure some of what I described are very normal mother-of-small-children feelings. But there's a line there somewhere (and perhaps it's in a different spot for each of us) and there's a point where you just have to listen to yourself and others and realize things just don't feel right. I crossed the line, folks. But I'm making changes and getting help and I'm going to break back through again.

* P.S. Thanks, M. Friend is not a big enough word to describe you.