You Know You're a Mom When...

You know you're a Mom when you sign "all done" to your sushi chef.

A Recent Skill

With help from a great gift from Baby Z's aunt and uncle, Baby Z learned a new skill he is pretty proud of... (okay and we are too):

Careless Mom of the Year Award

I wouldn't go as far to say Worst Mom of the Year, but certainly among the top most careless. (At least an honorable mention.) Baby Z was crying up a storm during his nap yesterday because he's sick and because we took away his favorite chew toy: the rail on his crib which we covered in cloth after going through 3 gummi crib rail covers. Just when I decided I would get him up and I'm headed for his door, I hear a big THUMP. I rush into his room and see Baby Z just at the tail end of a ninja roll on the carpet.

He was fine/is fine, and there were no bumps or bruises, just a scared little dude. Thank the Lord. Seriously. I can't even think about the "what ifs" in that scenario. It turned out that I left the crib rail down. Just forgot. Dumb. I'm sure I'm not the first to do it. And I'm sure Baby Z is not the first to take a tumble out of his crib. Still. I felt bad about it. (However, not as bad as the time I snipped the edge of his little ear while trying to trim his hair. All healed now, no disfigurement. Thank the Lord. Seriously.)

Sicky Poo

Baby Z is in the middle of his 3rd cold in his life. I know we are very blessed with a healthy child and these colds are good for him to build his immune system....

But they suck.

Baby Z really doesn't feel that bad most the time (it appears, he hasn't actually told me), but it just makes every finicky thing that much harder. Lunch time-- always more difficult than the other meals-- but when he's sick. Wow. My broccoli, zucchini, scrambled egg eater? The one who was starting to really like the same food Mommy and Daddy eat? Gone. Of course when you're sick you want comfort food. So I'm trying to work with him and try different things he might like. But a person should only eat so much yogurt, don't you think?

Besides eating, sleeping also becomes a problem. You know how it is to try to sleep with a stuffed-up nose. At least we can take some NiQuil (or hard liquor, whatever works for you, I'm just saying...) and it knocks us out. The vast pharmaceutical industry only has this to offer our little ones under the age of 2: Vick's Vapor Rub. At least there's something we can offer. Because the worst thing about your baby being sick is the feeling of helplessness-- that you want to make them all better and you can't.

Little Time for a Victory Parade

Writing a blog is useful for many things. One of these things is it makes me realize how much I don't revel in the successes of being a Mom and just forge on ahead into the next challenge. So, I'm taking this moment of self-reflection to do a little victory parade of our sippy cup progress.

Before Operation Sippy Cup:

After:


I'm packing those bottles away, folks! Yeah!

Making Headway

After 52 hours of persistence, Operation Sippy Cup started to bring results. By Thursday night, Baby Z started to actually sip from the sippy cup mostly willingly. Once you got him going, he'd realize he wanted some of that. He even timed this display of victory at my Mom's house for our weekly dinner. He got a big round of applause for his big gulps from the sippy cup.

Although the war is over, there have been a few insurrections by supporters of the previous regime. Baby Z still occasionally cries and puts his head down in a very dramatic rendition of exhausted defeat. However, Baby Z is doing much better with it. I'm still working on getting enough volume in him, but we're getting there. Yeah!

As I mentioned, phase 2 would be getting him to hold the cup himself. I know he will love this in the long run, but it's hard getting him there. When I show him how to hold the cup with both hands, he locks his arms and screams. This boy does not like to be restricted, especially his hands. So I've been alternating between giving him the sippy cup myself and letting him bandy it about and "try" to drink from it. Needless to say, this is a messy process:



This has been a little hard to let happen, knowing I'm going to have a big mess to clean up. Lesson #849 of motherhood: kids make messes. Embrace them and wait until the VERY end before cleaning up.

Lose the Battle, Win the War

24 Hours into Operation Sippy Cup. There have been casualties:



Baby Z may have won this skirmish, but I'm confident my strategy will win in the long run. I'm pleased I've held my ground and have not touched a bottle since we started yesterday. I'm also pleased that Baby Z is not in any way dehydrated and has eaten very healthily to make up for lost milk calories. So, we can go on like this for a while. Today at breakfast he actually opened his mouth for the sippy cup, which is huge progress from yesterday when the only liquid consumed was dripped into Baby Z's screaming mouth.

There have been a few compromises and adjustments. I am only trying to get him to drink from the sippy cup, not hold it himself yet. That can be phase 2. I also suckered myself into buying more sippy cups. (I already have 4 different kinds I have tried in the past, thinking maybe THIS one he will like.) The ones I bought are the cheap disposable kind with a ridged side that's easy to grab, instead of handles (which only give Baby Z more leverage with which to throw). I am rationalizing that I was going to need more sippy cups anyway, because I've been washing the same sippy cup to use for every feeding, and that wasn't going to work.

Score one for Mommy because Baby Z started holding the new cups and chewing on them in the store. And he willingly drank some juice from it when we got home. It also has the added benefit of not dripping as easily as the other one I've been using, but it's cheapness/flimsiness makes it very easy for Baby Z to pull liquid out of. Yippee! Not that products are ever really the answer to your problems (that illusive holy grail of baby bottles that prevents spit up - ha!), but, heck, if it helps the tiniest bit, All Hail Capitalism!

More from Routine Mom soon, encamped at undisclosed location for Operation Sippy Cup.

Operation Sippy Cup

This week I will be initiating a new phase in Baby Z's development. He is going to graduate from the bottle to the sippy cup. After months of half-hearted attempts to get him to befriend the sippy cup, I've concluded that I will continue to get the full arm slap-away from Baby Z when he is 3 and 4 if I don't step up my game now. It is certainly not going to get easier the bigger and more determined he gets. Most of the skills that require some training have taken a focused, loving forcing, such as dropping feedings and sleeping through the 45-minute nap intruder. Baby Z takes well to a routine and thus doesn't like it too much when things change. (Hm... sound familiar?)

Why the sippy cup, you ask? Well, I was almost convincing myself he might just jump straight to a regular cup one day and be fine. What's so important about a sippy cup anyway? Here are my conclusions (emphasis on mine b/c I'm sure there are other Moms who think differently and love their kids just as much):
1. sippy cup is much more practical than regular cup for baby to use when younger and not as coordinated- less spills, happier Mom.
2. sippy cup is important step in developing different muscles in mouth and jaw -- the baby uses different ones than when they suck from the bottle. This might be the reason doctors recommend dropping the bottle by 18 months.
3. cleaning bottles is a pain and I can't wait to pack them up.
4. baby holding sippy cup himself rather than me holding bottle is easier and more convenient. (I know! I didn't insist on Baby Z learning to hold his bottle-- mistake number 19 of Momhood and something I will do differently with next child.)

I was thinking I could handle a little more work if I ignored many of the reasons above. (Just like I convinced myself that waking up for that one middle of the night feeding wasn't a big deal.) However, reason number 2 is the one that finally convinced me the sippy cup was important for Baby Z, not just a social norm we inflict on ourselves. Overall, I'm treating the sippy cup like a milestone in Baby Z's development -- it will help him master some new skills that will serve him better in the long run. The other reasons are niceties that will help motivate me in the next few days while I struggle to teach Baby Z the art of the sippy cup.

Commence Operation Sippy Cup.* OOhAh.

*Your prayers are much appreciated!

Solid As A...

Now that Baby Z is the big 1 year old, we switched to cow's milk instead of formula. Not only is this the next step in consumption for infants-turned-toddlers, we were hopeful it would help with the big C. Constipation. Poor kid has had it more or less for 6 months or so. Even the switch in formula kind of stopped working after a while. So far, Baby Z has taken to milk without a problem. And I think it's helping with the big C.

Also along the SOLID lines, I've been trying to give Baby Z more solid solids. In the past he has almost immediately gagged when I tried to give him something chunky -- independently chunky, that is, such as a small cube of apple or pear or cheese. He also doesn't like the puffs (the infant ones sold at the grocery store). I could feed him pretty chunky mixes of food like broccoli and kale by the spoon. But one little bite of something solid set that gag reflex a heavin'. The only thing he would feed himself was a teething biscuit. So, genius that I am, after 3-4 months of frustration, I decided to try crunchier textures instead of soft (which I gave him thinking they would be easier to eat). First stop: Cheerios (or the generic organic brand anyway- sorry Baby Z). Eureka!! He likes it, Mikey! (Oh, that's the other cereal) He did have a gag-vomit on his first sitting, but now he's gotten to be a pro after 4 days of trying. I can't tell you how much this breakthrough means to me.

Since the Cheerios, I've tried toast, cooked potatoes, roasted chicken, apple. The apple was a gag-giver again-- he actually made a face as soon as he touched it. So we'll try that one again a little later. Anyway, I'm hugely encouraged that Baby Z won't be eating pureed food at his prom.

Making this transition from eating his own soft baby food to sharing food from the family meal is huge. The change is as big a deal for me as it is for Baby Z. Once again I feel overwhelmed by the change, but after some hints of progress, I'm up for the challenge.

1 Year Ago

A year ago on Monday, Baby Z came into the light of day bigger than we expected and earlier than we expected (by 4 1/2 weeks). He has been exceeding our expectations ever since. I am thrilled to look back on the feelings of Baby Z's birth day and realize how much we have all grown. The 2nd night of Baby Z's life, John and I looked at each other and mutually thought-- how could they trust us with this little tiny person. We don't know what the heck we're doing. Now we often think we don't know much about what we're doing but we wouldn't for a second expect him to be with anyone other than us. For all our first-time parent mistakes and overly cautious reactions, we're doing great! We have a happy, healthy (except for the cold he contracted in honor of his 1st birthday, and then generously shared with the rest of us) little boy who is quickly growing into his own person. We still have LOTS and LOTS of time with him as a dependent (in the literal sense not the tax-form sense), but I see how quickly the time is going to go by. So, I'm off to enjoy his latest stage of emptying drawers and bags and scattering the debris all over the house. Because I don't know how long it will last.

Flying High on Birthday Goodies

It was my birthday this weekend. John was out of town for Eia's Fiance's Bachelor Weekend, so I managed to fill up my birthday with lots of girlie fun. Shopping with my Mom, breakfast with the girls, drinks with the girls. It was fantastic! I got lots of great gifts like books and socks and seriously professional tweezers. Getting gifts is so much fun!!!

And John left a gift behind for me which I found on Sunday when I got home from church. A gift so good I jumped up and down and had to smother giggles lest I wake Baby Z. Are you ready for it? .......

Flying Trapeze Lessons!!!

Ha!!! It's freakin' AWESOME!!! I am so excited about it. And nervous. But mostly excited. I'm probably not going to do it for a couple of months, but when I do, you bet I'll be writing about it.

I am so thankful for all my friends and family who know me well and get me wonderful things I enjoy. And I'm especially thankful for my husband, the adventurer, who knows my secret (and not so secret) desires and pushes me to experience them.

Stand Up for Yourself, Baby Z

I mentioned that Baby Z has started to pull up and stand. I thought perhaps our house wasn't the best for a baby practicing his pull up skills, but that was before I watched Baby Z pull up on just about everything imaginable in the house, including a collapsable stepstool that... collapsed... oops.

Needless to say, my time in the last week has been much more devoted to keeping an eye on Baby Z lest he pull himself up on, the toilet, say. Oh, I forgot to mention that he's not very good at the getting back down part. Combine that with the time change and we've had a few mornings of sudden screaming in the 6am hour. The first time, I went in and found the little dude holding onto the side of his crib for dear life, tears streaming down his face. He looked terrified. Poor guy. I felt bad for him on day 1. Now I'm just wondering how long he'll cry before he just lets go. Boom. On the bottom. No big deal, right? Sigh, I'm sure this new development in his life is life-altering and challenging. So I'll give him a break. Or I'll try.



Not only can Baby Z physically stand up for himself, he is also getting more adept at asserting his wishes. Baby Z has suddenly grasped the gesture of shaking his head (as in "no"). It's pretty funny when he hits it right and he really means no. However, it's actually funnier that we realized he shakes his head any time something is stated in the form of a question. The lilting up syllable on the end is enough. You want more bottle? Shake-shake- No. You want another book? Shake-shake-No. You want absolute freedom to do whatever you want? Shake-shake- No.

Ha!! I outwitted a 1-year-old.* Hee hee.



*Baby Z will turn 1 year in 11 days. But it's easier to say 1-year-old than 11 1/2-month-old.

More Buzz

By popular demand, I give you Baby Z's Bee Stinger butt:



He's cute, but don't get too close...or you'll get stung! Ha!

ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz

Okay. Cutest freakin' thing of all time.



Could he BEE any cuter? (Okay, you know I had to do at least one pun.)
I thoroughly enjoyed Halloween this year. And it wasn't even about the candy.

Away Weekend

Just got back from our trip to Chicago for a weekend. Without Baby Z.
I learned many, many things in that urban midwestern town:

1. People are nice in the midwest. Including police officers who help lost tourists. Including women in line for bathroom at comedy club who don't give you the once-over to judge whether they are hotter than you.
2. Football is really important to a lot of people.
3. Missing someone can be like a physical ache. Saturday morning I woke up crying. Not worried about Baby Z, not wanting him there with me. Just wanting to hug him and feel him for a minute snuggled against me. It felt like suddenly I was missing a limb.
4. Sunset at the top of the Hancock Building is worth the extra money for drinks. Also, a sunset without an ocean or mountains around is still beautiful.
5. Baby Z can handle a lot of change and still be okay. He plowed through the weekend without hardly a problem and had a great little personal adventure (apart from us... and so it begins).
6. Weather in the 40's can be nice, when you are very bundled and walking around a beautiful city- briskly.
7. You can miss a 11-month old and his little personality. The physical ache of being away from Baby Z turned into a missing him as a person. A little person who beats his hands on his tray and tests out the vowel "AAAAAAAAAhhh" deep in his throat for as long as his lungs will go.
8. Public transportation is very convenient until construction delays you on your way to catch a flight. (Phew- we caught it just in time!)
9. Having excellent friends is among the greatest blessings you can have. Friends with whom you can trust your precious baby. Friends you travel across country to see. Friends you've known forever and with whom you can still travel.
10. Being away for vacation is fantastic. And so is coming home.

Go Figure

Literally the day after I posted about my worries that Baby Z was developmentally behind... Baby Z decides to pull himself up for the first time. I went in to get him up in the morning and he just scoots on over to the crib side I had just lowered, plops his hands down and pulls himself up to standing. Just like that.
If Baby Z could talk he would have said: "Ah Mom, I had you goin' there for a little while! Hee Hee!"

Worries

Baby Z has had a very uneventful and healthy first 11 months. Perhaps that is why I tend to make up things to worry about.

I've heard it's a first child phenomenon to worry about every little thing. John and I had a 30-minute "discussion" while I was on the verge of hysterics when Baby Z was 2 weeks old about whether my Mom's dog would be a contaminant for him or not. Dog germs and temperature were John's big anxieties in the first month. Mine was all related to breastfeeding and clocks.

And it seems that every new stage brings it's own set of worries (see Child Proofing). After the baby starts crawling, you realize quickly that they are going to be touching everything you don't want them to. It only took two times of finding Baby Z gnawing on my shoe to stop freaking out about it (however, we do put our shoes away now rather than leaving them out). I've started to relax a lot with germ-y thing, too, letting Baby Z touch tabletops at restaurants and not disinfecting his toys every time they touch the ground (unless it's outside or in public places). Okay, so I'm still a little germ-phob...or...uh conscious, let's say.

My latest worries (thank you all for saving me a therapist's bill) are about developmental milestones like pulling up and progressing to more mature food. Baby Z is getting more and more coordinated in his crawling, and he can even hold onto a table and stand up on his own (until he forgets and randomly lets go-yikes!). But his crawl has never been traditional with his belly off the floor. He does the commando crawl, pushing with one leg and has the blister on his right big toe to prove it. As for progressing in his solid food... he has lately developed an overly dramatic (in my opinion) gag reflex. Anything I put on his tray for him to try feeding himself is immediately suspect. Paradoxically, anything found on the ground is fair game for his mouth. Sigh. Oh, and the sippy cup...man, the sippy cup. This is an object only for chewing, apparently.

So, I vacillate between being convinced I'm a bad mother and determination to keep trying, come what may (including vomit). A little research online helped me understand the developmental aspect of learning to chew, so I'm relaxing a bit and trying a number of different things to see what might be easier for Baby Z. And as for the pulling up and walking, I have to keep reminding myself how one day Baby Z just rolled over. Just like that-- it clicks. So, relax, Mom, and enjoy the current stage, because before you know it Baby Z will be begging for cookies and bumping his head into every sharp corner in the house.

The Straight Poop on Poop

All right, so if you're of a more delicate nature, you may just want to skip this entry. On the other hand, if you don't mind a frank discussion of bodily functions, read on brave soldier....

Baby Z has had a mild form of constipation for about 3 months or so. It began as I started to cut back on breastfeeding. Every day was a struggle to get him enough to eat of the loosening kind (prunes, fruits, etc.) and eliminate the binding kind (apples, carrots, some kinds of cereal). I had prune juice in his cereal, Karo syrup in his bottle, mineral oil in his bottle, prunes, pears, peaches and peas (notice the P trend for Poo?). This pretty much kept Baby Z flowing like rush hour traffic-- you'll get there eventually, but it might take longer than you want. At one point we even had to do the glycerin enema, which resulted in a poo the size of....(wait for it)....a tennis ball, I kid you not. (I have pictures to prove it that I won't post for fear I will lose my two readers forever.)

At the same time, I've been looking for a new doctor. I finally decided I was never going to be comfortable talking to my old doctor. As Baby Z is approaching the 1 year mark and I have lots of questions about the vaccines coming at that age and later, I decided it was time to switch. I followed many, many recommendations until finally hitting the jackpot. Baby Z's new doctor is very personable, easy to talk to, understanding, capable and a Mom, too. After spending 5 minutes with her on the phone I felt better about the constipation thing than I did after 2 calls and one visit to my old doctor's office. Mostly it was just enough for her to confirm it was normal for recently weened breastfed babies and that she had the same struggle with her daughter (empathy, doctors, empathy!).

After a meet-the-doctor visit with Dr. P that lasted 15 minutes, we unlocked the secret to Baby Z's bowels. We changed formula. Dr. P said that the Similac Organic worked for her daughter, so we gave it a try. I'm not one for much things organic, and with formula especially, think it is just a reason to charge more. But, the proof is in the pudding (chocolate, of course). I guess the Organic version has pure cane sugar in it that works like a charm. I only give him one bottle of it a day, and it's enough to do the trick. Victory! Let the good poops roll!

Accomplishment

Everyone likes to feel like they accomplished something at the end of the day. I've heard it said that Moms don't get to have that feeling of accomplishment that often. Sure, a Mom can feel good that they are doing something good for their kids and family every day, but to really feel like you DID something. You got it DONE. That might not come that often. After all, the laundry just has to get re-done, the bathroom has to be re-cleaned, the baby re-fed. I've also been told that this missing feeling of accomplishing something can be hard for women who worked in a career before having kids. At work, things get done, people notice, and, shoot, you even get a paycheck for it.

Now I'm not exactly the MUST GET IT DONE personality type, but I like to see progress and feel successful. I recently had the benefit of feeling both in the past few days. First, at work, I finally started to feel like I was worth taking back on the job 8 hours a week. The first few weeks were filled with catching up on training and other administrative things. But last Friday, almost the entire day was completely fruitful and helpful to others. Not only did I see and hear their appreciation, I felt that glow walking out at the end of the day: I did a good job today.

As discussed above, one might expect to get this sort of feeling more often in the work world. But my feelings of accomplishment didn't end there. We had to travel several hours to a family event this weekend. I was a little anxious as it meant waking Baby Z up early (1 1/2 hours early), feeding him several meals on the road, hoping for some kind of nap, and still being able to be present (you know-- not just physically) at the family event. Everything went well and we all managed to remain civil, friendly even, despite the lack of rest. At the end of the day, I commented to John that I felt extremely fulfilled and proud of us all. I can see how I'm getting better and better at this Mom thing. It takes a little challenge and difficulty to stretch me so I can see that. So, I'll say it again:
I did a good job today.

Baby Proofing - The Results Show

A while back I wrote an entry about baby proofing-- what to safety-fy and what not...

Now that Baby Z is considerably more mobile, I have learned more about baby proofing than you can read in a book. (Although I certainly have much more to learn, I'm sure.) But perhaps some new Mom out there will learn from a little of my experience.

So, there were the obvious dangers I easily wrangled:
Safety gate to keep baby out of laundry room with dangerous cleaning supplies. Blind cord cleat to keep cord out of baby hands and away from his neck.

Then I discovered the not so obvious dangers - the tag behind the refrigerator that flutters so temptingly (yes- the one that reads "Danger of Electric Shock!"):


Then the danger if things happen just right-- and Baby Z plays with the curtains until the rod falls down?:


And then...the, oops-I-didn't-think-of-that-I'm-glad-it-didn't-seriously-injure-him danger:
Baby Z swung the blinds sideways and it swung back and hit him in the cheek. So now I keep the blinds raised above where he can reach.

As always, the best child proofing is supervision. And I'm happy to say I've developed the Mommy ears that can hear Baby Z even thinking about touching the fireplace, or TV stand, or whatever...

Firsts

Baby Z played on a swing for the first time today. For the past few weeks I've been walking past the park thinking I've got to put Baby Z in a swing- he would love it. But I kept forgetting wet wipes and hand sanitizer. I know. First Mom. Germaphobe. (But did you see that Good Morning America on the germs found at playgrounds!)

Finally, today, I brought everything I needed to put Baby Z in the swing, including my camera and video camera. So, I thought I would share a clip.


Honestly, I should have taken video of me instead, because I had a HUGE smile on my face. I can't believe how much fun it is to introduce Baby Z to new things. And there are so many new things ahead!

Multi-Tasking

I hit my first crisis in multi-tasking between Baby Z and work.

Today was the first time I worked from home WITH other people. I had to call into a meeting at 11am. Perfect. Baby Z will go down for a nap at 10:30am, like usual, and I'll have time to do a little work and log into the meeting. Naturally, for the first time in about 3 or 4 months, Baby Z decided to cry A LOT before settling down for his nap. And this wasn't the off and on, settling down cry that I could probably talk over (What, that? I think that's the neighbor's dog). It was the loud screaming that made me worry about the cops showing up (See police incident in "New Patch for My Sash"). I sat there in front of my computer, with my phone on mute, wondering, should I check on him?...should I hang up the phone?...should I tell my boss I can't work because of an emergency? What would usually be a challenge just from the perspective of the routine was now more complicated because I was trying to juggle working also.

After a few minutes of my head buzzing with confusion, I finally decided to pretend I wasn't trying to work and do what I would normally do. I did check on him, because the crying was so out of the ordinary, and it didn't show signs of stopping. I went in and calmed him down and reinitiated the nap-time routine. As I walked Baby Z around, with the wa-wa-wa of the work meeting droning on my phone in the background, I realized that my priorities were pretty clear. I also realized that I wouldn't want it any other way.

Needless to say, I stayed on mute for the majority of the meeting. About 45 minutes after the meeting started, Baby Z finally settled down and slept. I was able to participate in enough of the meeting to get assigned some work... just as my cell phone dropped the call. Better timing than Baby Z.

Chock-Full of Fun

We had a weekend full of fun things. On Thursday night, John and I went to a Damien Rice concert. Baby Z stayed at Grammy's for the night, since he would be staying there on Friday when I go to work. We had such a great time at the concert-- really good seats, awesome music, no horrible traffic or parking problems. It was really, really great. It felt like a Pre-Kids date. Not having to pick up Baby Z from a babysitter after was nice, too, since I didn't worry about time at all. When we got home to our empty little house, though, we both felt a little sad. Our little dude wasn't there. It was very strange. It's amazing how quickly these little people become so engrained in your life that you can't possibly imagine life without them.

Friday, after work, we all went to the local Aquarium. It was a lot of fun, mostly just to get out and do something different. I really enjoyed it. Even feeding Baby Z his dinner, while sitting on a hard bench in front of the Seal tank was a lot of fun. Baby Z was not exactly impressed by the marine life, but I think I saw a healthy respect for the sharks - what every surfer should have.

On Sunday, I got to enjoy a fabulous afternoon with a bunch of ladies at my dear friend E's wedding shower. Us bridesmaids got to just show up for this one and enjoy. What a treat! Meanwhile, John watched Baby Z at his parents' house. Once again, when everything was done, John stated he couldn't watch Baby Z all day every day. That makes me feel good for two reasons: 1) John recognizes how challenging it can be, and 2) I don't feel like such a wimp for being so exhausted at the end of each day (mentally and physically).

I can definitely see how having some time away from Baby Z, either just with John, or just me (at work or with friends), can be extremely beneficial for my well-being. I am so much more energized and enthusiastic when I come back to Baby Z. Another way to say it... not being a Mom for a little while helps me be a better Mom.

Child Labor

Seeing as Baby Z turns 10 months old today, I decided it was time to put him to work. I mean, really, he's been free-loading since the day he was born! It's never too early to get the kids started on household chores, I say. And Baby Z's current mobility can be put to excellent use:


As with any employee, a manager must find the right motivation to inspire results:

And it's a Win-Win for all. Mommy has a little less housework, and Baby Z has the rewarding satisfaction of a job well done.

First Day Report

First day back went very smoothly. The handoff of Baby Z in the parking lot, getting into my old work place, seeing co-workers again. It was all a breeze. Like a friend of mine said, the anticipation is usually worse than the actual event.

It felt good to be just me (not Mommy me) for a good part of the day. I liked wearing my hair down all day, without baby hands to grab it. I liked going to the bathroom, a good distance from my desk, without having to listen for Baby Z and whether he got into something he shouldn't have. I liked eating my lunch whenever I wanted and making phone calls without having to think about Baby Z's schedule (about to wake up, about to sleep, etc.).

On the side of a reality check, I also had a hard time staying awake and was a little bored, since there wasn't a lot I could do on my first day back. I also felt a little dusty, like that part of my brain had atrophed just a little. I'm sure that will change soon enough and I'll be in the swing of things. I got a slight buzz seeing my name just where I left it on the organization chart, but quickly reminded myself it would be removed*. And that actually felt really good! I was relieved!

And, at the end of the day, I liked seeing Baby Z. His huge smile when he saw me was validation for all the effort and time I spend with him. I'm so thankful I can work a little and still have lots of time with my baby.


*Doing 8-10 hours/week, neither I nor my bosses thought I could hold the leadership position I had before, but I will be doing some similar things in a lot less volume.

T-minus 20 Hours

Tomorrow morning I return to the corporate work world. I'm excited and nervous-- not unlike a first-day-of-school feeling. I've made lists and lists and checked off almost all of them. I'm taking a bunch of stuff to my Mom's tonight so I'll have time to set up over there and verify she has everything she needs. I'm ready.

I'm ready.

A Little Marketing Goes A Long Way?

Well, in the wake of the police officer visit, we decided a little marketing would be a good thing. I made some lovely blueberry muffins, attached a note, and we walked over to the neighbor's house. If it was our new neighbor who was "concerned about the welfare of a child," then we wanted to give her the opportunity to meet us and hopefully see us as a normal, pleasant family with a young baby. Baby Z pulled out all the stops, giving her smiles and reaching out his hand to her. He was charming, healthy, active and free of bruises.

Besides our guerilla marketing, we also did some recon and got a better feel for our new neighbor. Both John and I thought it was even more likely that it was her who called the police. Her personality definitely seemed like she would do something rather than sit and wait, and she seemed extremely aware of the noises in her new neighborhood. Fair enough. I will choose to appreciate her watchful concern as a good attribute to have in a neighbor. Otherwise, she was very pleasant and friendly and I dont think we will have any problems.

Phew. I'm glad that's over with. Hopefully I can relax again and not freak out about Baby Z crying too loud or too long.

New Patch for My Sash

If there was such a thing as a patch sash for Mommyhood, I would have earned a new one tonight:
The Cop Visit badge.
Yes. Someone called the cops because they were concerned for the welfare of my baby, who was screaming with a rough case of stranger anxiety and exhaustion. The badge would be dark green with light brown stitching of the profile of a police officer, with cursive little "Waaaaas" in the background.
I jest so that I won't scream in anger. Or cry.

John and I went to dinner at our Vaguely Urban friend's house and left Baby Z with Aunt E and Uncle R. We were a little worried since Baby Z responded to seeing his Uncle by erupting into a body-shaking cry. But he calmed down before we left and we knew that Uncle and Auntie could handle a little crying. Apparently our neighbor cannot.

So our sweet, long suffering babysitters had the pleasure of answering the door to a police officer. Thankfully, he was very nice and didn't seem to take the accusation too seriously. He came in and checked on Baby Z, who was, again thankfully, sound asleep in his crib. Aunt E and Uncle R took it all in stride and didn't even call us in the middle of our night (again, again, thankfully!).

Baby Z was crying off and on for about 45 minutes to an hour, while they tried to settle him down and feed him his bottle. What can I say- that boy can scream. I admit it can be disconcerting at the very least. He's especially good at rolling his tongue into a rolling R kind of scream. And our windows were open. And we have a new neighbor who moved in just a few days ago, so I guess she hadn't heard Baby Z's full repertoire yet. At least, I'm guessing it was her, since our other neighbors have certainly heard this sort of thing before, and they know us, and know there is nothing to be concerned about.

Well, I'm trying very hard to be Christianly about it and take this as an opportunity to introduce myself to our new neighbor. I'll just sachet over there with a plate of cookies and my healthy, smiling baby on my hip. I should also give her the benefit of the doubt and think that it might not have been her, or that she might have just been seriously concerned about the baby, given her only information is an hour of crying. (And I'm fighting, oh, I'm fighting the thought that she called just 'cause she was irritated by the noise. Lord help me.

Obsessed with Toofies

I know I seem obsessed, but these teeth are just so dad-gum cute (pun intended)! I couldn't resist posting a gratuitous picture.

It's Only 72 hours

John and I are planning a trip to Chicago for a weekend to visit friends. We debated whether or not to take Baby Z and decided to leave him at home with babysitters (aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends). Every day I think about it and wonder if that's going to be okay. On one hand, I'm pretty sure everything will be fine, and even missing a few naps here and there isn't going to hurt him. On the other hand, I think about the worse case scenario of major meltdowns and babysitters that vow never to watch Baby Z again. And the very worst case, which I'm sure many parents have worried over: Baby Z gets sick or hurt and we're not there for him.

Between now and then, every touchy nap and every finicky mood makes me worry about how the weekend will go while we're away. I keep thinking about all the little things I need to tell each babysitter-- when he smacks the bottle with his open palm, it means he's enjoying it, not that he doesn't want it anymore; sometimes he won't take his bedtime bottle in the living room, but if you take him to his darkened bedroom, he'll eat some there, and on and on. You can imagine the spreadsheet I'm going to have waiting for them. But I have to remember that they're not going to be a surrogate Mom and Dad while we're gone. They are going to be loving, caring, fun aunts and uncles, grandmas and grandpas-- including the indulgences, slight blunders and heaps of laughs. They are going to do their very best for Baby Z, and Baby Z will get early lessons in adaptability.

And the most important lesson will be for me-- learning to let go.

Milestones Two--oof

Just as I started to admire Baby Z's delicate little toofies on the bottom, out come two teeth on the TOP! Wow! They just pop up one day-- just like that. As much as his little bottom teeth added an adorable impishness to his smile, I'm afraid these new top teeth are going to give him the look of a hill-billy ready to eat some corn. No, seriously... they are really big! My husband, John, has pretty big teeth and we used to joke that if the baby got his teeth and my little mouth, then we'd be in trouble. Hopefully Baby Z's mouth is big enough, because he's got a couple of snowy boulders on the rise!

And, as Vaguely Urban commented, the teeth could be prime motivation to stop nursing. Ta da! I nursed for the last time (with Baby Z) on Monday. I'm now on day 5 of slightly sore boobs, but it's getting better. It seems nature was producing more on the left, so I'm slightly lopsided for now. Hee. I'm sure it will go back to normal (whatever boobs-post-baby look like, that is). Well, before I branch off into a discussion sure to scare my yet-to-have-children friends, I'll sign off.

Happy weekend, everyone.

Milestones

This Sunday, when we were at church, Baby Z got the closest ever to crawling. We were in the main sanctuary and Baby Z was playing on a blanket on the floor. I watched him get up on his knees and one arm (the other arm wasn't quite straight) and move a little forward until he went back to his belly. I got really excited but could only drop my mouth open in delight because I didn't want to make noise. Any day now, I think, he'll be crawling around like a flash.

Since I was thinking of milestones, I thought I would put a picture up of another one-- Baby Z's first teeth. They are super cute and this is the only picture I've managed of them so far. Enjoy!

Subconscious Processing

Well, I didn't think I had too much more to say about going back to work. My subconscious is telling me otherwise. Since making things official, I've had several stress dreams-- of a light variety. They are about exploring something new and getting a surprise: swimming comfortably and then an eel pops out of a rock and comes toward my face; I woke my husband kicking at that one. Or, they are about starting back at something I already do, but feeling a little anxious and not all together prepared: deciding to surf in a contest and so excited I run out into the waves, feeling like I'm missing some good sets only to realize that I don't have my board.

Those who know me know that I tend to have vivid dreams. My husband sometimes thinks I may need psychological attention for them. They almost always give me a good look into how I'm really feeling when on the surface I'm not paying much attention. I tend to need time to process things and really understand how they are affecting me. So, I'm thankful for the little jump starts God gives me in my dreams (by creating a thing such as dreams as a way for the brain to exercise and reveal; not in a "Samuel, Samuel? Yes, Lord" kind of way).

I'm still feeling good about my decision and I'm excited for the new challenge. I know that the first few weeks will be a little tough and then things will settle down. And I know that I should expect some really funky dreams for the next few weeks.

Change, Again

I'm down to breastfeeding once a day for the morning feeding. It has been very easy to drop the other feedings and give Baby Z a bottle instead. Except for the occasional attempt to suck on my cheek, I don't think Baby Z really has a preference for bottle or breast. It has always been my goal to breastfeed at least for 6 months. Now that we're past the 9-month mark, I think I'm okay with letting it go any time.

As with a lot of other changes for Baby Z, I need an impetus to motivate me to make a change. I really don't mind change, as long as everything stays the same. :) The most immediate impetus is going back to work. I could still feed him before I leave for work, but I guess it would be easier to not have to. Since I have to make his solid food breakfast anyway, it's not that much extra work to make a bottle. So, knowing the practicalities of it are in favor of dropping breastfeeding, I'm forced to recognize that I have an emotional reason for hesitating.

Other women used to tell me things about it being hard to stop breastfeeding, and I would think, "Man, I can't wait to stop breastfeeding!" They would talk about the closeness of nursing and that warm, Mommy feeling of connectedness to their baby. Letting go of the breastfeeding was truly a signal that their little baby was no longer an infant, but well on their way to toddlerhood. If you told me 5 months ago I would hesitate to stop nursing when I could, I would have been shocked. I couldn't wait for it to end so I could get my body back.

Part of me still feels that way a little, but I finally did reach the point where I can appreciate the special intimacy of nursing. It feels nice to start the day with such warm closeness. I'm trying to take mental pictures of it now since I won't have it much longer. And, like the other changes we've made in the past, I'm waiting for the impetus to overwhelm the last bit of hesitation. Just as sure as Baby Z will continue to grow, I'm sure the changes will continue to come. We're ready. But not just yet.

Are You Going Back to Work?

One of the questions John and I get a lot is when/if I will be going back to work. This is one of the biggest questions for a lot of Moms, although not everyone has full liberty in making the decision; that is, the ability to either stay at home, go back to work or some combination thereof. I am extremely blessed to have all of those options. Before Baby Z was born, I knew I wanted to give myself lots of time to be home with him and really settle into being a full-time Mom. The past almost 9 months have been priceless. I have so enjoyed learning my new role and learning about this new little person in our lives.

In the first few months, I struggled with the work question, wondering if I could be the Mom I want to be and still work. My employers are very open to alternative arrangements, like working from home, so I knew I would have flexibility and the option to work as few or as many hours as I wanted. I wrote down lists and lists of my priorities and things I didn't want to give up if I started to work again (like exercising, or going to the park in the middle of the day). The biggest thing is that I don't want to be stressed like I used to be working full-time-- rushing through things and feeling exhausted at the end of the day. I don't want to be so busy that I start to feel like I don't have enough to give to John or Baby Z.

After a lot of thinking, praying and planning, I have decided to go back to work. I'm going to work 8-10 hours a week and do 4 of those hours from home. I'll go into the office one day a week while my Mom watches Baby Z. The time Baby Z gets to spend with Grandma will be beneficial for both him and Grandma. And I feel like the amount of time working will be just the right challenge for my entire week (how I work at the office and at home).

I'm excited for this new chapter of balancing home life and a work life. It's going to be challenging, I'm sure. And if I start to get panicky about it, I just remember that nothing is permanent and if I don't like it, or it is too hard, I can always go back to being a full-time Mom at home. I am so extremely thankful for the options and liberty I have to make these decisions.

P.S. I'm also extremely thankful that my old work clothes fit now. Yeah!!

Monday, Funday

When I worked an office job full time, Mondays were always a bummer. It was hard to get up in the morning, hard to get back into the swing of things, hard to gear up for another week.

Now, as a full time Mom, I actually really enjoy Mondays. As much fun as the weekends are, by Sunday night I start to get a little antsy for the return of routine and down time. I usually wake up Monday morning ready to go, with a list of chores for the week in my head and with new energy to tackle housework and time with baby. I must admit that some of it is relief at the return of control: the ability to call the shots and do things the way I like them for most of the day. I like being able to pick up the house and set things in order and have it stay that way for a while. I like being able to take a nap without interruption. I like being able to coast through the day with our routine and not have to explain the special timing of this day to anyone.

On any day, by the time John gets home in the evening, I'm excited to see him and looking forward to some adult conversation. However, the degree of need for this adult interaction gradually increases as each day of the week passes. By Thursday night, I'm looking forward to the weekend again and thinking of all the fun, routine-interrupting activities we will do. But Monday night is a little different. When John gets home on Mondays, my need for him is the smallest, but in some ways my enjoyment of him is the greatest. As the week progresses, I need him more and more as a break from baby. Early on in the week, I need him just for him.

So, a salute to Mondays for Moms. Do some laundry, take a nap, run an errand with the little one(s). Enjoy!

Skilled in Discourse

Besides growing a third arm and eyes in the back of your head, learning how to have a conversation in 60-90 second intervals is a skill every Mom must learn. As much as you want to focus on your spouse or friend, as much as you swore you wouldn't be one of those woman who couldn't have a normal conversation after having kids, it is just not possible to have an uninterrupted conversation when you have kid(s) around. As soon as I realized this reality, and started to work with it instead of against it, I have started to develop conversational skills of which any Elizabethan courtier would be proud.

The key is learning how to compartmentalize the brain, much like a super-secret, undercover CIA agent would (with a kick-ass wig like Sydney Bristow). On one side, you have the child-interactive brain making statements like, "Yah, there's a bird!" and "No, don't eat the sand." Then, the other part of your brain picks up where you left off with "I know, sometimes I feel like my husband just doesn't understand....etc," or "I'm sorry to hear about your cousin....what is she going to do now?" It's easier to do this sort of thing with other Moms, who have learned the same skills and hardly even notice the breaks in discussion. The friends without kids may be a little phased, even disrupted, by this sort of thing. You must prove that you can hear them and respond while wiping spit up from the crevices in the car seat. At first it will be awkward, but over time, they will learn this new rhythm and start to follow along.

Adaptation, growth, transformation. I will embrace the lessons of motherhood. However, as good as I get at this new pattern of conversation, I think I will always prefer a cup of coffee with a friend without the adorable little discussion-buster.

Doctor Do-Little

Going to the doctor stinks. It never goes as quickly as I hoped and I never feel like I get enough time with the doctor. I went for a checkup today and by the time I got in (an hour after my appointment time), Baby Z was starting to unravel. I really like this doctor and I haven't seen him in a long time, so I was looking forward to catching up. Alas, the little dude was overly ready for his nap and needed to go. So I got prescription refills and shot for the door. I'll have to go back another day for lab work. I'm a little wiser now, since a few months ago I might have tried to get the lab work done even with the dude starting to fall apart.
I'm just wondering what other Moms do, especially with more than one child, when they have to go to the doctor-- for themselves or the kids. Holy cow. It is not easy. It's gotta be one of the olympic events for motherhood. I'm going to try to schedule from now on when I can get a babysitter for Baby Z, because I'm not at the olympic level yet.

Summer is for Reading II

After having just spent an entire weekend mostly neglecting my family, I finished reading the final Harry Potter book today. No need to stop reading, this is strictly a NO SPOIL ZONE...
I just wanted to say how much I enjoyed it. I'm sad it is over. That's always the sign of a good book: when you're sad it's over. So, I thought I would mention some other books I've read that I wished wouldn't end:

• War and Peace, Tolstoy (seriously, you would think I would just be relieved when it was done, but it was sooo good.)
  
• Bridget Jones' Diary (either one), Helen Fielding
  
• Prodigal Summer, Barbara Kingsolver
  
• East of Eden, John Steinbeck
  
• The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay, Michael Chabon
  
• The Queen's Fool, Philippa Gregory (She has a whole series on British monarchs. Very easy reads and slightly addictive.)
  

And while I'm thinking about books, how about a few other categories.
Books I Threw Across the Room when finished

Animal Farm, George Orwell

Gone with the Wind, Margaret Mitchell

Books I stopped reading(usually because I didn't like where the characters were going)

Crime and Punishment, Fyodor Dostoevsky

Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy

The Corrections, Jonathan Franzen

Cannery Row, John Steinbeck (this one I stopped out of boredom)

That's it for today. I would love to hear from anyone else about books they might put in these (or other) categories.

Check Up

Since I tend to write about things with the routine and Baby Z when things are hard, I decided it was a good time to do a little self check up when nothing in particular is going wrong. It's been 2-3 weeks, I think, that Baby Z has been sleeping much better through his naps. He's only waking up for 5 minutes or less at the 45 minute mark during his nap. The first few times this happened consistently I told myself it was a fluke. And then I stopped noticing. Yesterday, Baby Z cried for maybe 7 minutes during his nap and I thought, "Hmm, that's strange." Then it hit me. He hasn't been crying for 15-30 minutes or more like he was a month ago. What a blessing and a relief!! Yeah!

As I mentioned before, John and I left Baby Z with my Mom while we went away for a night. I thought he would probably be okay at night, but worried a little that he might wake up and realize he was in a strange place and freak out. He didn't. He slept great all night long and my Mom got to go in and get him up at 8am and see his beaming, smiling face, like John and I do every day. Baby Z also slept fine through his morning nap, which I thought he might miss completely. He went down fine and did a little fuss mid-way but went back to sleep for the full 2 hours. Piece of cake! Yeah, yeah, yeah!

It's really great to think about how much both Baby Z and I have grown. There are so many little struggles that we made it through and I'm so, so glad I stuck to the routine and worked through the issues. Things I used to dread, like putting him down for a nap, or the 45 minute mark during the nap, aren't as big of deal anymore. It's just a regular part of the day and is so much easier for both of us. I can see how keeping consistent and helping him learn to sleep well have made him a well-rested and content baby (Most of the time. He is still a baby!). What a joy it makes spending every day with him!

P.S. Another thing I've noticed recently and am extremely thankful for... even when Baby Z does wake up from a nap, in the middle, or when it's over, he doesn't cry the "I'm upset" cry. It is more like a "hey, hello? are you there?" or a "Ergh. I'm awake and I don't want to be." It's much easier to hear and doesn't twist my heart into a knot like his "upset" cry used to.

On Grief

The first year or so of being a Mom is definitely about transition and change. And it's not just about staying home more, eating out less, working at home instead of an office, etc. I have left behind the person I was. The first few months of this transformation were very difficult. I struggled with the constant demands and needs of a child and the fact that I was the main person who was responsible (sure, Dad can help, but Mom's the one with the full-time duty). I kept wanting to divide the work evenly (read: fairly) like we might with housework while we were both working full-time. Being a Mom just doesn't work like that.

In those first few months, I had a sense of grieving for the freedom and independence I once had. It was shocking and visceral, at first, and tears hovered on the surface almost all the time. Over time, I have become accustomed to my new role, and have started to appreciate the incredible blessings of being a Mom. Like the first time Baby Z looked at me like I was the only person in the world. And the way he reaches up to touch my face when he is breastfeeding. And the fact that when he is really upset, I am the one who is best able to comfort him. These are things Dad doesn't get, no matter how much he chips in and helps out.

However, as I'm learning is part of the process of grieving, there are times when the pain of loss hits you again. It comes often when you least expect it-- something reminds you of what you had, the way things were, the way things will never be again. It often comes when you do something you used to do, but it's just not the same, no matter how similar you make it.

For me, this loss hit me again when I went away with John for a night in celebration of our anniversary. We left Baby Z with Grandma, and went to a Bed & Breakfast where we spent one night of our honeymoon. I was so looking forward to not thinking about bottles or bed times. I could leave it all behind and have a great date night, just me and John, like before we had a baby.

The reality is that there is no going back. I am not the same person. I will never again be able to just be a woman or a wife. I am a mother.

It's hard to explain what this feels like. It wasn't that I was worried about Baby Z or I was so distracted by being away from him that I didn't have a good time. It felt good to have a break and to be away from the baby. It's just that I realized a part of me would always, forever, be tied to that other person. There no longer existed a world of just me, or just me and John.

Of course, it didn't help that I realized in the middle of the night that I had forgotten my pump. It seemed the perfect metaphor for the whole trip. I wanted very much to leave motherhood behind (thus leaving the pump at home), but physically (and emotionally) I realized I would never be able to do that, ever again. My boobs were there to remind me even if my brain didn't want to.

Just like grieving over the loss of a loved one, I start to remind myself to be thankful for what I did have before and the wonderful new blessings I have now. But it's okay to admit that I'm sad and I still feel the loss. It's okay to let myself mourn that loss. Then, once the tears are out and I've let myself feel what I need to feel, I'm ready again to focus on the blessings and joys of today.

Like this:

A Time of One's Own

Two Saturdays ago, I went surfing. It was the 2nd time I've gone since being 3 months pregnant, when I had to stop surfing by the doctor's orders. John and Baby Z went to swim lessons, and I had the entire morning, even most of the day, free to myself. I had everything ready for John to feed Baby Z at noon, so I really didn't need to be home until 4pm or so.

I packed up for the beach -- a task that I thought took some thinking before I had the baby, but now I realized was a piece of cake compared to the packing and prep required for going out with a baby. I hopped in our little 2-seater truck (no possible place for a baby seat) and took off with my surfboard hanging out the back and my cares and to-do lists draining out the back of my head.

A leisurely drive later, I was sitting on my board in the water, with the sun on my back, letting the roll of the waves soothe me better than any 60-minute massage. I stayed in for about an hour, taking my time, grabbing waves when I wanted, not stressed about getting "enough" in before I had to leave. I didn't have a time to leave by; I didn't even have a watch. I soaked in the freedom of having so much time to myself, knowing that Baby Z was fine with his Dad, and nobody needed me. I savored the preciousness of the time like a fine piece of Swiss chocolate in my mouth.

In the end, I was only gone about 2 hours, but it felt like a real vacation.

H. E. Double Wal-Mart

I have always hated going to big stores with crowded aisles and lots of people, no matter what the price discount might be. In the past, when I went to Costco, K-mart, Wal-mart, I left feeling like I had barely made it out alive, withdrawn into a stupor of overload, nurturing a little seed of hatred toward human kind.

However, since I'm staying at home now and we are on a tighter budget, I decided to give big discount stores the college try. I went to Costco by myself (with Baby Z) and made it through unscathed. I went to Wal-Mart twice and actually got in and out pretty quickly, and I really was amazed at the low prices. So, I realized that these places are great for buying things like diapers and formula, and they really aren't that bad if you can go during the day on a weekday.

UNTIL TODAY.

Here is what I just unloaded on the Wal-mart customer feedback web page:

"I was just beginning to think I could regularly shop at Wal-Mart.
Then, today, I had the worst shopping experience I have ever had. There were 3 checkout lanes open, with each one having 4-6 people in line. I waited in line for 15 minutes before the checkout lane I was in closed. No one informed me of this or directed me to another line or even apologized for the inconvenience. When I commented to a manager (standing right there next to me), she very carelessly stated there was nothing she could do and, again, did not apologize.
After moving to another line, the checker made a mistake with a coupon. Two managers stood near-by and did not hurry to help. They gave her very unclear directions and she had to re-do the order TWICE. Meanwhile, my baby had started screaming and the managers continue to show no concern or interest in the inconvenience to me.
I am appalled at such general lack of service and courtesy. I understand that sometimes stores are busy or they don't have enough people on staff. But, at a minimum, show that you CARE that this is difficult for the customer!! I am a very understanding person and I would have easily empathized with all of the workers if they had just stated they were sorry. Instead, I left feeling very angry and upset.
Although the prices at Wal-Mart are generally good, I will NOT shop there again. The headache and frustration are not worth the savings."

I feel better getting this out. For those of you who are brave enough to shop at the super-stores, I applaud you. You are made of stronger mettle than I.

Monday, July 30th - UPDATE
I got a call from the Wal-mart senior manager at that store!! Holy cow, they do actually read the comments from their web page. Stay tuned-- I'm supposed to call him back to give him more details so "they can improve the situation."

A Fair Day

Baby Z, my Mom and I went to the county Fair this past Friday. It was a lot of fun, although we were all pooped afterwards. Baby Z had a great time and especially enjoyed the plants. At one point he grabbed onto some alfalfa and wouldn't let go, blatantly disobeying the signs that said "Don't pick the produce." (What a rebel!) We walked around and pointed out the cows, sheep, pigs, making the appropriate noises for Baby Z. He didn't seem too impressed with the smelly animals. However, he didn't appear to have an allergy, which is good, since his Dad is VERY allergic to farm animals.

Although the Home Arts & Crafts building is my favorite, Baby Z was not too impressed. It was time to sleep and he was not enjoying the hanging patchwork quilts or collections of Betty Boop memorabilia. After a few laps around the building, he fell asleep. I was then able to really enjoy the table-settings (my favorite). At our county fair, the judges have an acerbic wit of which they are probably quite unaware. They judge the arrangement of the table, the use of themes, the coordination of the plates and glasses with the printed menu, the placement of silverware and so on. They must jot down some notes that then get printed on the cards awarding ribbons; they must know their words will be displayed, but perhaps they feel they must keep their impartial judge persona. Here are some of the comments this year:
"Silverware is not equal distance from edge of table on both sides."
"Good use of fair theme, but too many items on table. Table is hectic."
"No bread on menu to go with bread plate."
"Table is very happy."
"Wine glass should be to the right of the water glass."

and the best this year:
"I did not find anything wrong."
Really, this is glowing praise from the austere and strict table-setting gods, er, judges! I love it!

Baby Proving Nothing

I feel I must give an account of my baby proofing efforts. Have you ever experienced the Chore Daisy Chain Effect? You know, when you start working on one project and one of the steps in that project leads to a tangential project and then before you know it you're cleaning all the door frames in the house rather than moving the cleaning supplies out from under the sink like you should have? Since starting on the baby proofing project, I have rolled $180 worth of coins, researched selling CDs, dusted for cobwebs, cleaned the door jams and frames in the house (very gratifying, actually), and figured out the difference between a blind cord cleat and cord loop tie down (we had the wrong kind). Really, all of these had something to do with making the house safe for Baby Z. But I admit I did get a little off track.

The baby proofing is going to have to wait until next week because we have plans today and I never accomplish anything on the weekend. I'll wait until our new cord loop tie downs arrive. Yippee. A package!

Summer is for Reading

When I was young, my Mom would take my brother and I to the library every other week during the summer. I LOVED going and browsing through the aisles and aisles of books. I would check out 15 at a time and my Mom would write down how many because I inevitably lost one under my bed every time. So, for me, reading is just as much a part of summer as playing in sprinklers, eating outdoors and strawberry shortcake.

Recently, I started going to our neighborhood library. It is a 15 minute walk away and it's a nice trip to take with Baby Z. I just finished reading Jane Austen's Persuasion. If Jane Austen were published today, her books would have a hot pink cover and a close up of a pair of high heeled boots and a man's shadow in the background. Seriously, Jane Austen is some serious chick lit. You know this already if you have read Sense and Sensibility, or seen the movie version (with Emma Thomson and Kate Winslet), and the scene where the maiden with a twisted ankle (oh no!) in the rain (she'll catch her death!) is saved by the handsome stranger on the horse.

Now, lest you think I am mocking the illustrious Jane Austen, let me tell you that I highly recommend any Jane Austen book. You get all the romance and suspense of a hot pink girlie book, but you look really smart while doing it! You may even get away with asking your husband to change the baby's diaper because you're almost at the end of your literary novel (didn't work with mine, but hey, it might with yours!).

So go to your neighborhood library and pick up some good, juicy 19th-century British literature.

Baby Proving

Since Baby Z seems to be on the verge of crawling very soon, I've decided to deem this week Child Safety Week. I see now how all the Expecting Parents books tell you to baby proof before the baby comes. The responsibility and excitement that hits you while waiting for the baby is probably enough to make you perform such a tedious task. I have been putting off the child proofing since my first coherent thought of it after Baby Z was born (probably when he was 8 weeks or so). Maybe it's because it seems so all-encompassing and overwhelming. Maybe it's because it will most likely involve a screwdriver. Or maybe it's because plastic locks on cabinet handles and such are really not aesthetically appealing.

Anyway, the time has come. I have no social engagements this week and the other special projects are more tedious than baby-proofing (disaster preparedness- yawn). This will be a good opportunity to think about how I want to teach Baby Z in his ever-expanding world. TV Remote? Fireplace? Cords behind the TV? A good friend gave me the advice to pick 2 or 3 things I want to vigorously and consistently enforce. Then, focus on those things in the beginning (of course, preventing any danger with other things) to teach Baby Z the concept that he is not allowed to touch everything. This seems like wise advice to me. It is much more doable for both me and Baby Z and helps me to think about the real priorities for setting limits.

The current candidates for off-limits areas for Baby Z are the fireplace and perhaps the entertainment center (er, more like a TV stand). Then there's the kitchen. Hmm... gotta think that through. In the meantime, I know I need to move all the cleaning products and anything chemical out from under there. I'll put a lock on it also, but I'm not counting on a tiny piece of plastic to keep Baby Z away from anything truly life threatening. And the bathroom-- a lock on the toilet, really? I have heard they don't work that well anyway. Maybe I'll just keep the door shut? The idea of Baby Z crawling around in there makes me rethink how often I clean. Oogie. But I guess I'll get over that, right?

Well, are there any moms out there who want to tell me what worked for them? I'm off to find the screwdriver. Boo.

Genius of Baby Einstein

I think I've mentioned before how much Baby Z enjoys playing in "the Office," our Baby Einstein activity center. I love that it keeps him occupied and allows him to use his legs to stand and bounce a little.

Now, I've found a new reason to love Baby Einstein. Twice now, Baby Z has gotten a little too eager playing and given himself the Baby Heimlich, projecting a gooey concoction of sweet potato and oatmeal all over the Office. But the genius activity center has a little tray of easily cleaned plastic where the majority of the goo pooled. The first time, I cleaned that up pretty quickly with minor spreading to the toys or Baby Z. But the second time, the goo runneth over and I discovered the highly engineered drain holes at the seat of the activity center through which the goo drained and pooled in the floor saucer.

I think Baby Z really enjoyed this new tactile learning experience in the Office:


Don't worry! Baby Z didn't slip and slide too much, because the handy grippy zig-zags gave him the traction he needed. They also made the cleanup more exciting for me as I got to play trace the barf in fun zig-zaggy patterns. Thrilling learning for baby and Mommy!

Walking Among the Trees

Baby Z and I started a Infant Nature Explorers class yesterday. It's four weeks of walking around outside (with Baby Z in a carrier), looking at nature and singing songs about nature. Since Baby Z loves going for walks, I thought he would probably enjoy it. And I knew that I could use the push to get out and do something fun and maybe meet some other moms.

Our first class was a lot of fun. Baby Z smiled the entire time (so I was told, since I can't see his face while he's in the carrier). He actually giggled and laughed too. So, I'm excited to go back for the next few weeks and have fun with my little dude.

I was thinking about this class and other classes we've taken so far. I'm struck by how much of the class is just the stuff you would do with your child if you're out having fun exploring the world together. If you know "If You're Happy and You Know It," it will take you a long way towards learning something with a bit of song. It makes me feel good that every day I'm doing the types of things you could pay for a class to learn. So, I'm glad we've taken these classes and I don't mind the money we've spent on them (they are very inexpensive through the city's parks and recreation). But I admit that we pay for the class more to give us something to do around other kids and mothers. Maybe my next class should be "How To Meet Other Moms."
:)

Balance Beam or Tight Rope?

As with so many things in life, being a Mom is all about balance. Everything from breastfeeding to vaccinations is a balancing act between benefits and disadvantages. I've had an ongoing struggle with balance between going out and doing things with Baby Z and getting him solid nap time. There have been times I declined to do something because I was worried it would be too hard on Baby Z. Then, there have been times I pushed too hard to go out or stay out and Baby Z had a pretty tough time because of it.

Usually, if the outing affects only one nap time, then Baby Z handles it fine. He catches up some rest during the other nap and seems no worse for wear. Unfortunately, Sundays are one of the hardest days because almost always both of his naps are affected. So, we have been trying different scenarios with Baby Z on Sundays. I have tried over and over to get him to take his morning nap at church, with mostly no success (he did it twice!). The hard thing is that he really needs to cry for a good 10-15 minutes before he'll sleep, and at church, there really isn't a good place to let him do this. That is, there is no place where he can do it where I don't feel self-conscious and awkward. I know, I know, I should feel comfortable that no one is going to judge me at church of all places, and I should toughen up and not worry about what others think of me. However, me developing a thicker skin will be a life-long pursuit, not a near-term strategy for dealing with Baby Z on Sundays.

Since Baby Z's Sunday morning naps are usually spotty at best, I'm always faced with a dilemma on Sunday afternoons when John (and I) want to go do something fun and enjoy our afternoon. But then I'm always thinking how Baby Z will have another terrible nap and how is that going to affect Baby Z that evening and even for a few days after. It seems a good approach to assume the worst case scenario with how it will affect Baby Z and see if I want to do that activity bad enough to deal with the repercussions. Where I get into trouble is when I go to magic "what if" land where Baby Z miraculously shows no impact from a hectic schedule. I think about the few times he did nap when... rather than the majority of the time when he didn't. Then, when the repercussions hit, I'm upset at the situation and at the change in expectations.

This is part of learning in this new phase of my life. I remember struggling with balance in other phases, also, such as school (studying, friends, church). As Baby Z grows, I imagine he'll be a little more resilient, no matter what balance of choices we make. And perhaps I will too.

ABCs of XLS

As a follow up to XLS, My Baby Z, I thought I would post some of the spreadsheets I've created since starting on the Mommy adventure. You may refrain from comments about my geekiness-- I already know. :)

• Pregnancy Diet - to help keep track of eating the right things while pregnant. I have to admit I created this in a fit of neuroticism--when I was overwhelmed by the thought that I was solely responsible for the well-being of this new little person. I actually didn't end of up using it, but it might be helpful to someone out there.
  
• Feeding Chart-Newborn - I used this to keep track of the in's (breastfeeding) and out's (pees and poops) of Baby Z's early weeks. At a time when I literally couldn't remember what time it was for longer than 10 seconds, this was the only thing that kept me from going insane. It also helped me keep track of things like spit up and gas. A psychologist would just tell me it was about trying to control minutia because I had so lost control of everything else. Hey- whatever works! It did help the lactation consultant diagnose that I had over-productive let down (mostly in one breast). Note: the Left/Right column was for keeping track of which side I fed Baby Z on, because in the beginning I only fed him on one side per feeding.
  
• Feeding Chart-After 8 weeks - Same as the Newborn feeding chart but condensed to fit more on one page with less room for things that aren't as important after a while.

I have a whole notebook of feeding charts for the first 3 months or so of Baby Z's life. Perhaps I should preserve them for an anthropologist one day who will write a thesis on the survival strategies of neurotic new mothers.

Note To Self

I've been meaning to write some words of encouragement for myself for the difficult times. I'm going to give these words to my husband so he knows what to say when I'm frustrated and upset.

> I know it's frustrating. It's hard to (fill in the situation).
> You are doing a really great job. Baby Z is healthy and growing.
> Remember all the things you've made it through already- going to sleep without crying when you put him down to sleep, sleeping through the night, giving up the pacifier.
> All those past things you worked through, your instinct was right -- you stuck with your decision (even when doubt started to creep in) to try something and it worked.
> You've seen over and over again how you and Baby Z worked through an issue and things got better. But it's never easy- this is just another thing you're working through.
> I know it feels like this stage is going to last forever- but it really won't. Usually when things get really hard and you hit a bottom, it turns around right after that.
> Remember how it feels to finally make a breakthrough and Baby Z is better off for it -- more content, eating better, less tired, easier to manage.
> You can do it! I am so proud of you!

Strategies for Crying It Out

Some hopefully helpful strategies for getting through "Crying It Out."

Before embarking on this challenging journey, make sure you are really committed. Are you convinced that this is the best or only method for achieving the result you desire? For me, this usually meant that I had tried other options such as picking up Baby Z and trying to comfort and soothe before putting him back down. This might work once or twice, but usually (for me) it would either stop working or I would realize that I couldn't continue down that path for x number of months. There usually comes a breaking point for me where I am so tired of the situation that I'm willing to really throw down to get through it (e.g., Pacifier Addiction).

Next, determine the action you will take before you are in the situation (such as a 3am wake-up cry). Give yourself time to think it through clearly- what will you do, when will you do it, what will you do if.

• For the 45-minute intruder when Baby Z was 3-4 months old, at first I decided I would let him cry 15 minutes without doing anything. I would listen for any break in the crying. If he stopped crying for a few minutes at a time, or I heard him making the noises of him comforting himself (mmm, sucking on fist, etc.), then I would set the timer in my head to another 15 minutes. I might set an ultimate time limit of within 15 minutes of the next feeding time. If he was still crying at that point, then I would get him up.
  
• For the 45-minute intruder when Baby Z was 6 months old, I realized that I needed to wait it out until he got back to sleep. At this point, his internal clock was set and eating every x hours was not a concern. Assuming I got him his 3 meals and the bedtime feeding, then I didn't need to worry about it being exactly 4 hours apart or anything like that. So, I determined (with help from my BWG) I would let him cry until he fell back asleep (See Mile 13 Wall).

Now, do something to keep yourself distracted. Hop in the shower, go outside and pick weeds, wash dishes with your headphones on. Ideally, you're somewhere you can still hear the baby, but not so close you feel every shake of his tiny little tonsils. If you're just sitting there watching the clock and thinking about the crying, you're very likely to crack. Also, if you go in and peek at him/her, you're also likely to crack. So limit how many times you do that and know what you are hoping to accomplish before you creak open that door (e.g., reassurance he's not stuck in a crib slat).

If you crack (or when, because we all have at one point or another), don't beat yourself up. Focus on the bright side, that you tried something new and you're learning. You may decide on a different strategy that will work great for you. Or, you may realize that the strategy was good, but you weren't quite ready for it yet. I often had to give in on an approach and see the results before I knew what I really had to do and had the resolve to do it. So, remember, every day you learn something new.

Don't forget you are doing what you believe is best for your baby. If you're not sure of that, see first paragraph above. Remember that the immediate difficulty has a long-term purpose. For example, letting baby cry it through the 45-minute intruder will help him learn how to fall back asleep by himself. It will give him greater independence (and you too!) and better, longer naps that help him grow and be more content. Also, don't forget that babies cry. That is one of their main occupations. If you know the baby is fed, has a clean diaper, doesn't have gas or an arm stuck in a crib slat, then let him be. Let him work it out and learn to sleep on his own.

Finally, don't let others decide what is right for you. If you think all of the above is a pile of crap, so be it! Every Mom has to make their own decisions about what they think is best. If you're doing something just because you read it in a book (or on a blog) and you're not really convinced it is right or good- then don't do it!

I hope that helps someone out there. I plan on reading it next time I hit a crying streak.
(Aside: Baby Z is doing much better with his 45-minute intruders now. He usually cries just about 5-10 minutes or so and then goes back to sleep. There are still the times (maybe once a week) where he cries 30-45 minutes, but that certainly beats it happening every day. And the good part is that he is so much happier in the evening before bedtime. There is such a huge difference when he gets more than that 45 minute nap.)

Baby Book, Mommy Book

I'm trying to catch up a little on Baby Z's baby book -- the first this's and special that's. I can't believe he is 7 months old now. He is getting so mobile; he rolls all over the floor now, trying to get into trouble.

Just as I'm amazed by the little dude's growth over the last 7 months, it is probably a good time to reflect on my own growth as well. I just read an article in Parenting magazine about noticing the Mommy moments, not just the baby firsts. Here are some of the ones they pointed out - from my perspective:

Realizing You're Actually Someone's Mother
For me, this came when I filled out the first form for Baby Z at the Doctor's office, just 4 days after he was born. I started filling in Patient's Name as myself, as I have done for all my adult years. Then, slowly, in the postpartum fog, I realized they were talking about that new little person. I filled that in, feeling the specialness of the moment. Then, for Mother, I (again) started to write down my Mom's name. Before I got two letters down, I had the "ah ha" moment. That's me! I am a Mother. I am Baby Z's Mother.

Doing Mom Duty in Public
Although there were times I handled being a Mom in public, the moment of realization or appreciation came when I met some friends for coffee at a Starbucks. We sat outside on the patio and I had to feed Baby Z. I didn't stress too much about it and just got a blanket and started to feed him in the metal chair. For a Mom who usually breastfed with a strategic propping of pillows and cloth diapers, this was certainly a higher level of difficulty. It was awkward, but we did it. I seriously felt like a pro!

Realizing You Can't Do It Alone
The first time I called a friend to share my frustration and let myself cry. Baby Z was about 10 weeks old and the infant easy sleeping was starting to wear off. After several days of very frustrating naps and DREAD hanging over me at all times, I finally took my husband's advice and called a friend (and Mom of 3 kids). This was a turning point for me because I realized I wasn't supposed to have all the answers inately and that it was okay to ask for help besides letting someone get groceries or do the laundry. This was also a turning point because we started to swaddle again and let Baby Z cry until he fell asleep. After just a day or so, he was already sleeping better and I felt like I was finally making decisions rather than just letting myself get whipped around by the day's events.

Those are some of my special Mom moments. Maybe you all will think of some of your own.